sooooconfused Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 How quick is too quick for a SO to get into another relationship after a break-up? I broke up with my BF in January and we got back together last week. During that time he had a heated rebound with a girl at work that involved feelings on his side and her saying she loved him...and of course sex. I did leave him and it took 3 weeks of begging to get him back, but I still feel weird that 3 days after we broke up he had a date. I know he was mad at me, but he actually got to really like her until he realized I was "the one" and took me back. Is there such a thing as getting into another relationship too quick? Is every situation and person different? or would you be distraught if they replaced you in a heartbeat? What do you guys think?
monkeymaid Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 he had to stroke his ego so it would heal as you had hacked it to pieces with a machete. (i was in your position btw) he never had real feelings, he just redirected the ones he had for you onto someone else so he didnt have to forget about them. it was his way of dealing and not dying. it is a stress response and his defense mechanisms reacted in such a way as to make this hole scenario easier for him to deal with. besides, guys want to be wanted and after you rejected him, he sought to be wanted.
Author sooooconfused Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 he had to stroke his ego so it would heal as you had hacked it to pieces with a machete. (i was in your position btw) he never had real feelings, he just redirected the ones he had for you onto someone else so he didnt have to forget about them. it was his way of dealing and not dying. it is a stress response and his defense mechanisms reacted in such a way as to make this hole scenario easier for him to deal with. besides, guys want to be wanted and after you rejected him, he sought to be wanted. you're right. i think i'm overly sensitive because he told this girl a huge lie to break up with her and not hurt her feelings. they work together and he was scared of her messing up his job so he told her he was coming back to me because i'm pregnant (i'm not!). he told her he had feelings for her and he didn't use her, but he has to be with me out of obligation. it pisses me off a bit that the whole time we were broken up and he was with her we were having phone sex a few times a week and then when he and i get back together it's under a huge lie and she thinks he still cares for her. he just doesn't want to lose his promotion because of her and we're moving cross-country in a few weeks so he thought she'll never know. she texted him today and called saying i love you and then yelling that she doesn't believe i'm pregnant and that he used her. he talked to her and said he wasn't happy that he had to be with me and that i really am pregnant and that he really did care for her and still does, but he made his choice (the whole thing was a lie as in i am not pregnant and he is ecstatic and wants to propose). i said i understand her having one freak out, but i don't approve of the lying and if she calls again he needs to make sure that he puts his foot down and stops it from happening a third time. i said that if it continues after that i would consider leaving.
Template Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Sooo... let me get this straight. YOU broke it off with him, and he, in his pain, suffering, and misery, ran and found someone else - regardless of whatever feelings was truly involved in that relationship. After 3 weeks, you begged to take him back, in which he concocted a whole slew of lies to the new girl, so he can get back with YOU. What is really the problem here? Is it a trust issue? Do you feel that since he's lying to this girl, that he's capable of lying to you? Or, do you think that he's still secretly has feelings for this girl? Or, do you feel like your ego got a huge B*tch slap, because he found someone so quickly? You broke his heart, and he did what he felt was necessary to heal. I'm not going to judge whether it was right or wrong, because everyone has done it, men and women. You've both been given the opportunity of a 2nd chance, which many of us would kill for, and you are concentrating on a time in his life, in which you don't have any rights to. What he did in that time, and what he's doing to put that past in the past, should be irrelevant to how you are going to live your future and present with him. He's lying to a person who he clearly has no regard for, to be with a person he does, and you're going to leave him for that? Me thinks there's a whole lot more to this, than meets the eye. It sounds like you two of unresolved issues, that clearly hasn't been worked out from the first breakup. Maybe you should concentrate on that first.
Author sooooconfused Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 Sooo... let me get this straight. YOU broke it off with him, and he, in his pain, suffering, and misery, ran and found someone else - regardless of whatever feelings was truly involved in that relationship. After 3 weeks, you begged to take him back, in which he concocted a whole slew of lies to the new girl, so he can get back with YOU. What is really the problem here? Is it a trust issue? Do you feel that since he's lying to this girl, that he's capable of lying to you? Or, do you think that he's still secretly has feelings for this girl? Or, do you feel like your ego got a huge B*tch slap, because he found someone so quickly? You broke his heart, and he did what he felt was necessary to heal. I'm not going to judge whether it was right or wrong, because everyone has done it, men and women. You've both been given the opportunity of a 2nd chance, which many of us would kill for, and you are concentrating on a time in his life, in which you don't have any rights to. What he did in that time, and what he's doing to put that past in the past, should be irrelevant to how you are going to live your future and present with him. He's lying to a person who he clearly has no regard for, to be with a person he does, and you're going to leave him for that? Me thinks there's a whole lot more to this, than meets the eye. It sounds like you two of unresolved issues, that clearly hasn't been worked out from the first breakup. Maybe you should concentrate on that first. i left because the first few months we were in a relationship and talking about being in love and having a future together he was still talking to an ex behind my back. he says it was friendly...she said it mostly was but that he would sometimes say he still loved her and wished they could be together. he also has a bad past since i am the only woman he is hasn't cheated on. he is a serial dater so he has cheated on alot of women, but he says that is his past and he would never repeat that with me. i have trust issues because of this.
Template Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 i left because the first few months we were in a relationship and talking about being in love and having a future together he was still talking to an ex behind my back. he says it was friendly...she said it mostly was but that he would sometimes say he still loved her and wished they could be together. he also has a bad past since i am the only woman he is hasn't cheated on. he is a serial dater so he has cheated on alot of women, but he says that is his past and he would never repeat that with me. i have trust issues because of this. So knowing all of this, why did you ever date him? More importantly, why did you take him back? A leopard can't change their spots. Do you really know you are the only woman he has never cheated on? If so, do you think it may just be a matter of time before he does? You don't need to find an excuse to break up with him. He IS the excuse to break up with. I just hope you aren't with him because he fed you all those lines of "You're the only one I'd never sleep around on.", "you're speical", etc. I mean c'mon, he CHEATS on women. The whole "How quick is too quick to rebound?" questions is moot at this point. Guys like him make me sick to my stomach, because he is the type of person to have a woman (good woman), wrapped around their fingers, mess up their lives, and who really is punished-the subsequent men (most of them genuinely good) these women date.
Author sooooconfused Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 So knowing all of this, why did you ever date him? More importantly, why did you take him back? A leopard can't change their spots. Do you really know you are the only woman he has never cheated on? If so, do you think it may just be a matter of time before he does? You don't need to find an excuse to break up with him. He IS the excuse to break up with. I just hope you aren't with him because he fed you all those lines of "You're the only one I'd never sleep around on.", "you're speical", etc. I mean c'mon, he CHEATS on women. The whole "How quick is too quick to rebound?" questions is moot at this point. Guys like him make me sick to my stomach, because he is the type of person to have a woman (good woman), wrapped around their fingers, mess up their lives, and who really is punished-the subsequent men (most of them genuinely good) these women date. He told me that he had dated alot and cheated, but I had no idea it was everyone until later. When I met him he was coming out of a divorce (and 2 year seperation). I went into the relationship thinking that he had been faithful to his ex-wife. He said he respected the sanctity of marriage and that she was horrible to him and he thinks she cheated on him. He would go on and on about how he was always faithful. After we had been together a year he finally revealed that when he was in the army and things were going really badly between them he cheated 2 times while away in training. I was devastated because the only reason I forgave his sketchy past was because I thought he had gotten it together and was faithful in marriage. When I found out he wasn't (even though he said he hated himself for it) I was really messed up about it. Also add in the other stuff. He hasn't had much opportunity to cheat on me unless it was in the beginning. He is always with me, I know all of his passwords and we share a phone plan so I see he only talks to me. I feel caught between his past and trusting him. I have never cheated on anyone.
Author sooooconfused Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 You know it's OK to call a guy a loser. is it even remotely possible that he's changed? he did just spend years in the army deployed in iraq and now all he wants is to settle down with a family. has anyone known a cheater to change?
carhill Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Anything is possible A pattern of cheating is generally indicative of an underlying personality characteristic. Tell me, how does he feel about psychotherapy? I imagine that the stresses of war have been substantial. Perhaps that could help him.
Author sooooconfused Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 Anything is possible A pattern of cheating is generally indicative of an underlying personality characteristic. Tell me, how does he feel about psychotherapy? I imagine that the stresses of war have been substantial. Perhaps that could help him. he refuses therapy or the mere mention of it. if i press about it he gets angry. he thinks its BS and takes offence that he may need it. when he was growing up his parents forced him into therapy alot because they couldn't get why they were christian and he wasn't. they even put him in summer therapy programs...and outward bound type stuff. he wasn't a bad kid (i knew him then), so it was just sad. i think that's why he's so against it.
carhill Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 So, if you were to erase the thoughts of his past cheating from your mind, how is the relationship now? In the present? With all that openness and proactive verifiability? MC taught us to respect and accept the past and live in the present. Do you think you can do that?
Author sooooconfused Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 So, if you were to erase the thoughts of his past cheating from your mind, how is the relationship now? In the present? With all that openness and proactive verifiability? MC taught us to respect and accept the past and live in the present. Do you think you can do that? i'm scared he told this girl that he had feelings for her still not to let her down easy, but because he wants to have a back-up. Yesterday he said he goes back and forth about if we'll work or not and that he still doesn't forgive me for leaving him (even though he did stuff he doesn't think it was bad enough for me to leave). I thought things were rocky, but getting better and we have been all lovey-dovey and were having sex like crazy. All of a sudden he is going back and forth about this working and we're not really having sex as much and its very distant and a bit awkward. i don't know.
carhill Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Set aside the sexual relations for a moment. They are a barometer, yes, but let's put them into perspective. How are you relating regarding everyday tasks? Is there proactive support and consideration? Does he seem focused on prioritizing your relationship? You both have taken actions. They are in the past. Ask him to set aside the past and work together in the here and now.
Author sooooconfused Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 Set aside the sexual relations for a moment. They are a barometer, yes, but let's put them into perspective. How are you relating regarding everyday tasks? Is there proactive support and consideration? Does he seem focused on prioritizing your relationship? You both have taken actions. They are in the past. Ask him to set aside the past and work together in the here and now. he wants to marry me and he says he wants to work through these issues. he says everything is my fault...the rebound girl, the drama, everything. he says all he did was talk to someone and nothing happened. its weird for me to have him always play the victim. he is prioritizing our relationship, but it's on his terms and what he wants ...he did say he would try to communicate with me better...but thats it. there is no outside support. he doesn't want anyone involved. he says no to therapy and he hates when i talk to my family. so no outward support, but he does seem very intent on trying to work things out.
GorillaTheater Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 but he does seem very intent on trying to work things out. It doesn't seem to me that this squares very well with everything that preceded this line.
carhill Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 I'm not sensing a team approach or supportive environment. This was a critical part of MC, for me. I wanted to feel like both my W and I were prioritizing our M and were working as a team. We each had (and have) to bend to make the team the priority. My frustrations and distance from her now stem from feelings of being alone, not part of the team. What do you think about that?
Author sooooconfused Posted February 27, 2009 Author Posted February 27, 2009 I'm not sensing a team approach or supportive environment. This was a critical part of MC, for me. I wanted to feel like both my W and I were prioritizing our M and were working as a team. We each had (and have) to bend to make the team the priority. My frustrations and distance from her now stem from feelings of being alone, not part of the team. What do you think about that? sorry that sounds rough carhill he has been trying by being more communicative with me than before. we spoke about his history and he said that when he got married he settled down and sex wasn't the purpose of his life anymore like it was when he was younger. he just wanted one good woman. he cheated on his ex-wife because they were miserable and she was physically and emotionally abusive. i know this is true because his family and friends backed this up and she stalked me when we first got together. he said he felt horrible because he had matured and that he should have divorced her sooner. i can't imagine him cheating. his whole life is me literally. he has no friends and he's not close with family. he talks to me all day while he's at work and then he comes home straight away and its just me and him. i do believe him, but for me right now it's more that he is very unemotional and i am very very emotional. i like to talk about emotions and he, most of the time, hates it. i want to go to school in the UK and he wants me to marry him and move to a small town in maine while he goes to a year long school program that he is passionate about. he says a LDR is not an option because he goes crazy without me. i love him so much and feel that what we have is special i don't want any regrets...i don't want to regret losing him and i don't want to regret not pursuing a dream.
Author sooooconfused Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 Sooo... let me get this straight. YOU broke it off with him, and he, in his pain, suffering, and misery, ran and found someone else - regardless of whatever feelings was truly involved in that relationship. After 3 weeks, you begged to take him back, in which he concocted a whole slew of lies to the new girl, so he can get back with YOU. I actually begged to come back 8 days after we broke up. He wanted me back the whole first week and i said no. the day he went on a date with this girl everything changed. he quit asking me to come back. So a few days after it's over he goes on a date and within 8 days he says no he doesn't want me because I left him. I continued begging for 4 weeks, then he said he couldn't get over me and wanted me back. It is confusing because when he said he wanted me back he was really unsure and I said this is silly let's have a face-to-face I am flying out there. He at first said I was pressuring him too fast. I said I want you to make your choice so we can both move on. So I came out here and he broke up with her before I got here. If I hadn't of come here I don't know what his choice would really have been. I have been doing well, but today was rough. I keep thinking if he had feelings and it got "intense" in 2 weeks and this chick fell in love in 3 weeks then wtf did he and i really have??? I know he gets into things fast and "she still wasn't me", but the whole first few weeks I was begging him to get back together he was telling me she "had potential" and "it's complicated breaking it off to get back with me because there are feelings on both sides". I would cry and say all the things I had done for him and i only left because he hurt me. he would say he would be settling for someone else and she's "not me, but in time deeper feelings would develop". He also made a list of pros and cons between her and I while he thought it out. So what am I doing here? Am I really that replaceable or would anyone else be settling? He wants to marry me. Am I just a girl or THE GIRL?
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