wantoheal Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 hi everyone. I am new here and have been reading some of the posts. I have just gone through a terrible break up and am very devastated about it. I believe my ex started seeing someone before we broke up-but have no way of confirming, but it really just kills me. The question I have is about NC. What does that mean? No contact? And why is it so important? Please explain I am new to the break up thing and I want to talk to him and see him every minute of every day...please help me understand the nc thing. Thanks:(
onestepin Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 NC means No Contact and it only applies when you break up with someone or they want time alone. It has two different uses, 1. In the case of breaking up it allows you to get over her more quickly. 2. And in the time case it gives her her space and lets her know you are respecting her request. She might call you or she might not but after awhile its best to move on. Basically once you enter the no contact phase erase all numbers and contact info and burn all images. "IF" she contacts you it might work out but you need to be very careful if you take her/him back.
Author wantoheal Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 thanks onestep. Does that include looking to see when they are online and stuff? I've been doing that a lot lately and discovered his profile on a dating site today:mad:
paperchase Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 This is a No Contact guide another poster created: Q. What is no contact. A. No contact is just that. It's breaking all ties to your ex. Q. What is no contact for? A. No contact is meant as the quickest means for you to heal. Q. If I implement NC will I get my ex back? A. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you're banking on NC as a way to manipulate your ex back into your life you are in for a rude awakening. Q. What should I be doing to implement NC? A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex. That means no calls, emails, text/sms, IM's - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach. Q. What should I be doing during NC? A. First off, allow the grieving process to happen naturally. You need to grieve a loss, but don't dwell on it. Hang out with your friends, immerse yourself in a new hobby and start working out. Working out is especially useful because not only does it release endorphins which help make you feel better but you'll start looking your best which will help you attract someone new. If you need Counseling, by all means go. Q. I don't want to implement NC because I don't want to lose him/her. A. Unfortunately you already have. Clinging on to them or the hope you'll get them back will only keep you down longer. Additionally, the natural reaction of any Ex when you cling on to them is for them to literally spring in the other direction. If you do have any chance of a reconciliation, your best bet is to leave them alone and forget about them. Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea? A. No, not if you are still in love with them. For the most part Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being #2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string. All it will do is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex. Q. I can't resist the urge to contact my ex! What should I do?? A. If you've deleted all their contact info yet still remember how to reach them, call a friend instead. Go work out. Take a bike ride. Go for a jog. Do something to occupy your mind. Get out, don't sit around the house pining for your Ex. Rest assured they are not sitting around with their new love wondering why you aren't calling them. Q. How long should I wait to contact my ex. A. Never be the first to contact your ex. If you need something back, ask a friend to go get it for you. If you have kids together, NC is almost impossible. The best thing to do is keep whatever contact you must have to a minimum. Don't argue with them, don't ask for a second chance, don't beg them to take you back. Just be very polite and business-like. You thank yourself later for being the bigger person. Additionally the best way to make someone see they're being an a**hole is to not be one in retaliation. Let them vent and just be quiet. Sooner, rather than later, it'll hit them that they're being absolutely childish and you'll come out smelling like a rose. Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do? A. The question is why are they contacting you? If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them. No need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree with me on this, but I'm a skeptic. I want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed. Q. What happens if I break NC? A. You'll end up right back to square one and have to start all over. Don't believe me? Read through some of the 'I broke NC' threads. Trust me, while you are on NC with them and they are with someone else, you don't want to know how they are doing. You don't want to hear how happy they are. As "No Foolin" says, you can't handle what they have to say. Q. What if I see them in public? A. Read No Foolin's thread on NC (in my signature file). Bottom line, avoid contact with them at all cost. If you can't, just be polite and smile and wave if they wave at you. If they want to talk, remember the rule. No small talk, no information. You're doing great without them, even if you aren't. Q. What if my Ex never contacts me? A. Then it was never meant to be. Consider yourself lucky and smart enough to realize the sooner you implemented NC and got on with your life the sooner you can meet the right person for you. That's really what this whole no contact deal is all about. Realize that none of us are immune to heartbreak. Consider each relationship as a lesson life teaches us that we carry on to the next relationship. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. That's what NC does. It allows you to reflect on your past mistakes and grow as a person. Each time you fail in a relationship you gain invaluable knowledge that will aid you in the next. Men say women are like buses, there is always another one coming around the corner. It's the same for women too. There will be someone else, I guarantee you that. The sooner you cut ties with the ex, healed yourself up, improved where you can and have imbedded the lessons of your past the better off you'll be for someone else. Above all, never tell yourself "I'm not good enough, no one loves me, blah blah blah." That's a self-defeatist attitude and kills your confidence and self-esteem. You are plenty good enough and someone will love you. You just have to be happy with who you are. Be the best you you can be. Every step forward you make is one step closer to meeting the person of your dreams. It will likely happen as soon as you have decided you respect yourself enough to take back your personal power. The power you give to your Ex every moment you spend thinking about them, wishing they would call or clinging on to them. Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. To accept what has happened. To let go compeltely. To be free to love again.
Author wantoheal Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 wow. Thank you so much. i have not contacted him in 1 1/2 days and the last thing I texted him was nice-and he texted me back something nice. I have been kind of spying on him though because I need to know if there is someone else. It looks like there might be. I deleted him from all online stuff now-but there are still some forums he belongs to that I can just look at anytime-I am trying not to but already have 5 times today. Also saw him on the dating site and saw what he is "looking for" That hurt so much. So I am going to start now not looking anymore but I don't know if I can follow through. I do have some things of his and owe him a little bit of money. I'm thinking I might just drop it on his porch while I know he is at work. Does that sound okay? Any suggestions? Thank you very much
paperchase Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 you must stop the obsessive behavior. trust me, I've done it all. it's not productive. so what if there's someone else. the fact remains he doesn't want to be with you either way. you are tourturing yourself by tracking his movements and life's events. I woulnd't worry about his belongings unless he asks for them at which point you mail them. don't go to his house and put them on his doorstep. that could be perceived as an invasion of privacy. just go NC and let the chips fall where they may.
Author wantoheal Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 well-I haven't looked at any online stuff since lunch-i know that doesnt' sound very long, but Im proud of myself because i sit at a computer all day and usually i just rationalize and say to myself...im just curious...what would it hurt to look? but today I fought the urge. about his stuff-I don't want to break NC but I don't want his stuff at the house either-also I think he probably does want it back..he has stuff of mine too that I think he should give back-but it's not important enough to me to break NC. Is mailing his stuff without a note attached breaking NC? I just don't want him to be like..she kept my stuff and never paid me back the money I loaned her..
blondesmiler Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 NC ~ no texts, no calls, no facebook, no myspace, no stalking, no IMing, no emails Basically cut all ties as best you can, put away right at the back of a cupboard within a box in another box anything that reminds you of them and will make you feel bad. Wanting to see and hear them everyday is normal, doesn't feel like it but it passes. Would highly recommend getting some plans together, some things to look forward too with girl friends etc or go visit somewhere or someone. Just have a diary you can glance at and think ok I feel poo right now but in two days I am off too "wherever" and that should be fun.
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