movingonandon Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I'm a guy and I see absolutely nothing wrong with waiting for sex. That is what I've done with my last several relationships and I think I'm better off for it. There are plenty of other guys that do this too. I think everyone understands pretty well that it's not possible to really know someone quickly--people are on their best behavior for the first few months and you never see how they really react early on. I think that alone is reason enough to wait so you're not hormonally bonded to the person before you ever even know who they are. The most important thing is to understand what your values are and find someone who is compatible. If your current boyfriend is not rest assured you will find someone who is. Scott "hormonally bonded"? What are you, an amoeba with no brain and free will? Your other points I agree with, it's just that having or not having sex has no direct relationship to what conclusions people draw about compatibility. In fact, the oppoeite effect is at least as likely - people could fool themselves that the compatibility is ok, just to they could get to sex. The quilt associated with sex in this country never ceases to amaze me. If it wasn't for the low taxes and the flexible labor market I'd probably pack and leave .
Scottdmw Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Maybe you're misunderstanding my point. When two people have sex the hormones are such that the people will have a strong tendency to fall in love regardless of other factors. You will end up loving the person (most likely) whether they are compatible or not, and whether you really share a lot of values or not. I think it makes sense to wait at least until you're more sure the values are really compatible first. Do you ever wonder why people stay in abusive relationships? This is one reason--they had sex early before knowing the person and then when they found out what they were dealing with it was too difficult to leave because they are bonded emotionally. Aside from that, for the women involved here, consider this. Many guys talk about how they expect sex early on these days. But, birth control can and does fail, it happens every day to someone. Failure rates are around 1-10% per year. If you have sex with a guy early and you draw the "unlucky" stick here, what's he going to do? More than likely he will expect you to get an abortion, or even demand it. Further, he will probably expect you to do it quietly with a minimum of fuss and guilt for him to deal with. He will want you to "take care of it", for the problem to go away so the two of you can go back to having sex. He will not want to offer much in the way of either financial or emotional support--statistically he is only 50% likely to even attend the abortion with you and/or offer any money. If you do end up feeling badly he will likely dump you and find another woman to have sex with that doesn't have these "issues", which he may blame you for. What happens if you don't want to go the abortion route? You're probably on your own there. Almost no guy that has known you for a month or three is going to consider marrying you on the spot, or signing up to pay child support, or even helping you through a pregnancy leading to adoption. Their attitude may be that if you don't get an abortion and do it quickly and quietly it's your problem not theirs. I may be wrong here about some guys, so if there's someone out there who is in favor of early sex but is honestly willing to stand by a woman who gets pregnant and offer real support, then that's different. But, offering advice to women, I would say that you really need to know what they would do and what you would do if pregnancy happens before you have sex. That's why it makes sense to me to wait until a very committed relationship or marriage. Any guy will say what you want to hear early on if it means sex, I suggest you take the time to get to know him so you can be reasonably sure what he would really do. Scott
prettybaby Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I'm a girl and I find it impossible to consider someone my boyfriend unless we have sex lol Potential boyfriend? Sure. Boyfriend? No. I'll never understand the reasoning behind wanting an official engagement and all the headaches that come with it before you can finally have some fun with the man you love. Edit: I wanted to clarify though: I never have sex right away. It generally takes me a few months to take that step. I just wanted to say that -to me- the "before" phase is a time when I don't consider the guy my boyfriend. Simply my date.
LovieDove24 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Only if she's wasting another person's time by not having sex with him, from which would follow that he's not the right person for her. I agree with others here: it's either a control, or self-esteem, or being religiously fecked up in the head issue. If two people like each other there is no reason for them not to have sex. I call MAJOR bull$hit on this. There is a slew of other reasons why a person would wait to have sex. For instance, I got pregnant irresponsibly and my boyfriend left me to raise our child alone. I'm the strongest damn person I know these days, do NOT have poor self esteem, but choose not to have sex because I'VE SEEN FIRSTHAND the consequences it can bring if its not with the right person. Now please, I thought men had come along way from their caveman thinking. I suppose its still all about the prick...
LovieDove24 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Maybe you're misunderstanding my point. When two people have sex the hormones are such that the people will have a strong tendency to fall in love regardless of other factors. You will end up loving the person (most likely) whether they are compatible or not, and whether you really share a lot of values or not. I think it makes sense to wait at least until you're more sure the values are really compatible first. Do you ever wonder why people stay in abusive relationships? This is one reason--they had sex early before knowing the person and then when they found out what they were dealing with it was too difficult to leave because they are bonded emotionally. THANK YOU Scott. This is so true. And yes, many many couples stay together purely for the sex. I don't think either of us is saying to NEVER have sex...but the OP's girlfriend may have it right after all. At least wait till things are really serious. AT LEAST wait till I love you's are being said.
DavidH Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 THANK YOU Scott. This is so true. And yes, many many couples stay together purely for the sex. I don't think either of us is saying to NEVER have sex...but the OP's girlfriend may have it right after all. At least wait till things are really serious. AT LEAST wait till I love you's are being said. The OP is the girlfriend. She's looking for assurances that it's alright to string the guy along (that she isn't serious about) without having sex. if you're just stringing him along, it sounds fair that you atleast give him sex. I'd atleast tell him that we weren't serious at all, before all else, though.
LovieDove24 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 The OP is the girlfriend. She's looking for assurances that it's alright to string the guy along (that she isn't serious about) without having sex. if you're just stringing him along, it sounds fair that you atleast give him sex. I'd atleast tell him that we weren't serious at all, before all else, though. It doesn't necessarily mean shes not serious at all. If you want to equate it to something else that should usually wait in the relationship, how bout comparing it to an "I love you." You don't have to warn a person "Hey, just because I'm not saying I love you doesn't mean I'm not serious about youl." NO, you don't have to say that because its simply not true. It shouldn't be that way about sex either. Just because she is waiting for the *Right Time* does not mean the seriousness can't build up in the process!
shazam Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Sex is all just fun and games until somebody gets pregnant. As a female, this would be my main argument for waiting to get to know someone a little bit before doing the deed. Reality is, birth control is not always foolproof. You really do not see a person’s true colors in the first couple months, and would you really want to chance an unwanted pregnancy with some selfish d-bag? Men can easily walk away from the situation, women not so much. It becomes our problem to deal with. So understandable that a man would be very lax in his values/views on sex…what does he have to worry about.
shazam Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 OP has every right to want something serious before having sex with him, it is her choice. Sure the bf may not like it. All the guys on here who said they wouldnt wait more than a few dates are doing those women a favor by dropping them
kashmir Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Sex is all just fun and games until somebody gets pregnant. As a female, this would be my main argument for waiting to get to know someone a little bit before doing the deed. Reality is, birth control is not always foolproof. You really do not see a person’s true colors in the first couple months, and would you really want to chance an unwanted pregnancy with some selfish d-bag? Men can easily walk away from the situation, women not so much. It becomes our problem to deal with. So understandable that a man would be very lax in his values/views on sex…what does he have to worry about. That's what abortions are for.
BCCA Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 OP has every right to want something serious before having sex with him, it is her choice. Sure the bf may not like it. All the guys on here who said they wouldnt wait more than a few dates are doing those women a favor by dropping them I think its important to understand that there is no right or wrong answer here. You are not more/less of a person because of your views on when to have sex. While it is true, there are guys who just want to get laid, there are also women out there who just want attention. Girls will let guys buy them drinks and listen to their complaints on the phone, knowing the whole time that this guy is going to be lucky to get a kiss on the cheek. And by the same token, there are also a LOT of girls out there who just want a lay themself. Me personally, I dont put a time limit on that stuff. If Im with a girl, and we like eachother, I can wait. How long depends on my interest, but I wouldnt consider someone my girlfriend unless we were doing it. I feel like thats the adult way to handle it, but I conceed that others have a different opinion, and neither of us is wrong. I do think its pretty mean to have a girl strip down to her panties over and over and only get a hand job. That would seriously frustrate me, and if youre going to do that, whats the hold up on doing other stuff, too? Just a personal opinion.
serendipity_2008 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I definitely agree with the OP about waiting. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you are doing and in essence it will weed out those who are serious vs. those who want a quick lay. I think very similar to you along the lines of sex. I believe that people should not be so quick to just jump in the bed with anyone. Like a lot of the posters have said, most people put on their best for the first few months and then their true personalities come up. i know this for a fact bc my ex bf was like this. He was bringing up marriage and pushing for committment early on in the relationship, but all of this was just for me to let me guard down and eventually have sex with him. When I didn't, his true personality really did come out and boy was it ugly! Fast forward the situation, the relationship ended and to this very day he still calls me to tell me how he made a mistake and if he could do it all over again, he would. But he knows that there is no possibility to salvage what he lost and what is done is done. So continue with your beliefs and you will win in the end because sex is easy to find but love isn't.
BCCA Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 So continue with your beliefs and you will win in the end because sex is easy to find but love isn't. The problem with this is that youre assuming every guy that doesnt wait three months for sex is only looking for sex and sex alone. Thats not true at all. I would love to be in a LTR, and am so not about going from girl to girl looking for some action. At the same time, I dont want a precedence to be set early on that the girl controls sex and that I have no say over it whatsoever. I'm also not going to deny my sexual desires because someone else seems to be paranoid that as soon as we have sex, Im going to be out the door. Plain and simple, if you wait at least 3 months after dating someone to have sex, most guys are going to lose interest or think youre getting it from somewhere else. This is not about guys being sleazy, there are plenty of women that think 4+ dates is enough getting to know someone to sleep with them. And it doesnt make you a dirty whore because you had sex with a guy you've been seeing for a month, its pretty much the norm with dating. There is no right or wrong answer here. And I think its unfair to label any guy who doesnt think waiting 3+ months to have sex is neccesary or what they want. Its a personal choice, and if you want your views respected, you have to respect others, too.
tanbark813 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 The problem with this is that youre assuming every guy that doesnt wait three months for sex is only looking for sex and sex alone. Thats not true at all. I would love to be in a LTR, and am so not about going from girl to girl looking for some action. At the same time, I dont want a precedence to be set early on that the girl controls sex and that I have no say over it whatsoever. I'm also not going to deny my sexual desires because someone else seems to be paranoid that as soon as we have sex, Im going to be out the door. Plain and simple, if you wait at least 3 months after dating someone to have sex, most guys are going to lose interest or think youre getting it from somewhere else. This is not about guys being sleazy, there are plenty of women that think 4+ dates is enough getting to know someone to sleep with them. And it doesnt make you a dirty whore because you had sex with a guy you've been seeing for a month, its pretty much the norm with dating. There is no right or wrong answer here. And I think its unfair to label any guy who doesnt think waiting 3+ months to have sex is neccesary or what they want. Its a personal choice, and if you want your views respected, you have to respect others, too. Totally agree.
Author conehead Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 That's what abortions are for. Wow, do you think abortions are that simple? Why do you think there's huge debates over it and women who go into deep depression after getting one? I did have a pregnancy scare once with my ex bf and luckily it turned out to be a false alarm. After that, I asked him what would happen if I did so happen to get pregnant, and he just said 'I don't know.' That was not reassuring at all.... Well, my bf and I have not even exchanged I love you's yet like a poster said. So I agree that I will wait until at least then.
movingonandon Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I think its important to understand that there is no right or wrong answer here. You are not more/less of a person because of your views on when to have sex. While it is true, there are guys who just want to get laid, there are also women out there who just want attention. Girls will let guys buy them drinks and listen to their complaints on the phone, knowing the whole time that this guy is going to be lucky to get a kiss on the cheek. And by the same token, there are also a LOT of girls out there who just want a lay themself. Me personally, I dont put a time limit on that stuff. If Im with a girl, and we like eachother, I can wait. How long depends on my interest, but I wouldnt consider someone my girlfriend unless we were doing it. I feel like thats the adult way to handle it, but I conceed that others have a different opinion, and neither of us is wrong. I do think its pretty mean to have a girl strip down to her panties over and over and only get a hand job. That would seriously frustrate me, and if youre going to do that, whats the hold up on doing other stuff, too? Just a personal opinion. I think this is pretty accurate depiciton of guy's thought process, mine for sure. As for the OPs approach - all you are achieving with it is to weed out the men with some self-respect versus the ones that will put up with shet just to get in your panties
Scottdmw Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 The problem with this is that youre assuming every guy that doesnt wait three months for sex is only looking for sex and sex alone. Thats not true at all. I would love to be in a LTR, and am so not about going from girl to girl looking for some action. At the same time, I dont want a precedence to be set early on that the girl controls sex and that I have no say over it whatsoever. I'm also not going to deny my sexual desires because someone else seems to be paranoid that as soon as we have sex, Im going to be out the door. Plain and simple, if you wait at least 3 months after dating someone to have sex, most guys are going to lose interest or think youre getting it from somewhere else. This is not about guys being sleazy, there are plenty of women that think 4+ dates is enough getting to know someone to sleep with them. And it doesnt make you a dirty whore because you had sex with a guy you've been seeing for a month, its pretty much the norm with dating. There is no right or wrong answer here. And I think its unfair to label any guy who doesnt think waiting 3+ months to have sex is neccesary or what they want. Its a personal choice, and if you want your views respected, you have to respect others, too. BCCA, it sounds like you believe that it's okay to have sex quickly, say after a month, and that you feel like a girl is too controlling if she won't. So I'm curious, let's say you meet a girl, have sex after a month, and she turns up pregant despite using birth control? What level of support would you personally be willing to offer her, and do you usually make that clear either before or shortly after you start having sex? To me it doesn't seem like an issue of control. It's simply that some women do not want to go the abortion route and believe that a risk of pregnancy is a very big deal. That seems perfectly reasonable to me. Scott
kashmir Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Wow, do you think abortions are that simple? Why do you think there's huge debates over it and women who go into deep depression after getting one? I did have a pregnancy scare once with my ex bf and luckily it turned out to be a false alarm. After that, I asked him what would happen if I did so happen to get pregnant, and he just said 'I don't know.' That was not reassuring at all.... Women can go into deep depression over having a kid too. They can go into a deep depression because their boyfriends didn't comment on their lingerie on valentine's day. In other words, a woman going into a depression is pretty inevitable...so you might as well have a depression without an unwanted kid. And yeah, abortions are that simple. Granted, it gets different in later months/trimesters when it's been with a woman for a while and has an effect on her (not to mention it's pretyt much the size of a baby), but seriously, if you found out you've been pregnant for a month and get an abortion you're essentially just getting rid of a a little bundle of tissue...kind of like getting a tumor removed. People need to stop putting so much value on fetuses or cells that could eventually become another human. I mean, I get rid of hundreds of MILLIONS potential lives every day, usually in a napkin or down a toilet. I'm pretty much a horrible insane tyrant responsible for all those lives, but you don't see me crying. /tongue in cheek
LovieDove24 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I personally enjoy waiting because it is in my experience that guys tend to lose interest if the sex card is on the table too soon. It is also my experience that men are able to more easily compartmentalize sex from love and for this reason have no difficulties walking away. Since we are all probably referencing different internal timelines, I'm referring to "too soon" as ANY time before I love you's are spoken. Or six months, whichever comes first I do hear on these forums time and time again men proclaiming they in fact DO NOT lose interest just because sex is introduced. Hell even my best friend is in a LTR where they had sex on the first date. But it is just absolutely not in my experience that men stick around long after. And if they do...all the wooing and chivalry is usually out the window. It sucks. Honestly, if men did not lose interest soon after sex, they could be getting a lot more of it, a lot sooner. Because if I could find a man that didn't lose respect for me...I'd be having a lot more fun! But as it stands, I lose the potential of a relationship so I don't.
LovieDove24 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Women can go into deep depression over having a kid too. They can go into a deep depression because their boyfriends didn't comment on their lingerie on valentine's day. In other words, a woman going into a depression is pretty inevitable...so you might as well have a depression without an unwanted kid. Sounds like someones got mommy issues!!!
kashmir Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Sounds like someones got mommy issues!!! Actually, quite the opposite. My mom is probably what gave me such a loose view on abortion. For example, when I lost my virginity, I obviously wasn't prepared (and was pretty drunk) and didn't use a condom. Dumb idea. I felt horrible. A few days later I talked to my mom about it and she was concerned about me having an STD (which I didn't, thank god). I then asked her, very tensely, about the pregnancy aspect of it. Her response was something like, "Oh, you're worried about THAT? Tell her to take a morning after pill, and if that doesn't work then she can get an abortion. Plain and simple. What isn't so plain and simple is if that dame gave you herpes."
movingonandon Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Sex is all just fun and games until somebody gets pregnant. As a female, this would be my main argument for waiting to get to know someone a little bit before doing the deed. Reality is, birth control is not always foolproof. You really do not see a person’s true colors in the first couple months, and would you really want to chance an unwanted pregnancy with some selfish d-bag? Men can easily walk away from the situation, women not so much. It becomes our problem to deal with. So understandable that a man would be very lax in his values/views on sex…what does he have to worry about. Well this is the George Bush & Co. school of sex. ed. talking - nobody competently using birth control (i.e. pill + condom) will get pregnant. The likelihood of a freak accident still exists, yes, but the probability is so small that it is silly to base your whole life on it. Have you stopped flying planes because of the 1:1000000 probability of an accident?
fishtaco Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 It sucks. Honestly, if men did not lose interest soon after sex, they could be getting a lot more of it, a lot sooner. Because if I could find a man that didn't lose respect for me...I'd be having a lot more fun! But as it stands, I lose the potential of a relationship so I don't. Hahaha! okay. One of my female friends is always complaining that men get clingy after sex. There is more symmetry between genders than you realize. To well adjusted people, sex only matters as ONE of many factors if a relationship will work out. If the sex check box is marked, whether it is to have sex or to wait to have sex, the rest of the equation can still make or break a relationship. Looking at sex as the single point of failure to if a relationship is going to work out is... well, people have the right to believe what they want to believe. Anyway again, only people that have similar views should date each other. I would never date a woman with this sort of views about sex. And that's a good thing, for me and for her.
Lucky555 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 If you want to wait to have sex this is your choice. I do know a couple who are not having sex and are in a serious relationship. She is even going to move in with him. She wants sex and so does he but there are circumstances. She is in school and almost done. If she were to get pregnant then it would essentially ruin her whole career which she has worked hard for! they have mutually agreed to wait on sex, its not that they don't want it, like it, or value the relationship, THEY JUST DONT WANT A KID. they have been together for 3 years! She sees him every weekend! she is 22 and he is 27. Abortions are not easy to do or easy to handle since it is a potential life. the person going through it has to deal with the issues that accompany it including risking death through the procedure. thing's can go wrong. Now you can be in a serious relationship and not have sex. This is true. most guys won't wait and a very few percent of guys do wait. There are methods of birth control which would be helpful for someone who is considering being in an intimate relationship. I know right now another friend of mine HAS TO GO OFF birth control because her body just can't handle the side effects of it and she feels miserable and her relationship is suffering. But she is getting a IUD..but there are side effects to this such as it interfering with having children in the future, probably a small percent but still a chance. So if you want to wait for sex thats your choice. Women do get the not so pretty side of protection when it comes to sex.
LovieDove24 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Hahaha! okay. One of my female friends is always complaining that men get clingy after sex. There is more symmetry between genders than you realize. To well adjusted people, sex only matters as ONE of many factors if a relationship will work out. If the sex check box is marked, whether it is to have sex or to wait to have sex, the rest of the equation can still make or break a relationship. Looking at sex as the single point of failure to if a relationship is going to work out is... well, people have the right to believe what they want to believe. Anyway again, only people that have similar views should date each other. I would never date a woman with this sort of views about sex. And that's a good thing, for me and for her. First you laugh at me and then incinuate I'm not a well adjusted person. Next!
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