Lee2 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I've been out 3 times with this girl and I really like her, a week ago she stopped returning my texts. The last few texts went as follows:- Hi, how's it going? I hope you don't think Im being a pain in the ass, but when would you like to go out next. She replied: Actually, I do think you're coming on a bit strong. I said I'd let you know when I'm free, well I don't know when I'm free. Don't know if I've still got a job yet, and I'm house siting for the rest of the week. Would you please back off a bit so I can sort my life out I replied: Of course. But if you don't think you wanna see me again I'd rather you tell me now. She replied: If I didn't want to see you again I'd tell you, this is just a polite 'back off a bit please' while I get my life sorted That was a week ago As for coming on strong, I've not had more than a small kiss and I've tried to play it cool so I don't believe that to be true. I did see her last Friday & Saturday evening in the bar she works and the few words I managed to grab with her were very friendly as usual but ..... should I forget her and move on or wait? What would you do?
northstar1 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I've been out 3 times with this girl and I really like her, a week ago she stopped returning my texts. The last few texts went as follows:- Hi, how's it going? I hope you don't think Im being a pain in the ass, but when would you like to go out next. She replied: Actually, I do think you're coming on a bit strong. I said I'd let you know when I'm free, well I don't know when I'm free. Don't know if I've still got a job yet, and I'm house siting for the rest of the week. Would you please back off a bit so I can sort my life out I replied: Of course. But if you don't think you wanna see me again I'd rather you tell me now. She replied: If I didn't want to see you again I'd tell you, this is just a polite 'back off a bit please' while I get my life sorted That was a week ago As for coming on strong, I've not had more than a small kiss and I've tried to play it cool so I don't believe that to be true. I did see her last Friday & Saturday evening in the bar she works and the few words I managed to grab with her were very friendly as usual but ..... should I forget her and move on or wait? What would you do? Yes, move on. She's flaky man and it telling you to back off, which you will now more than happily do. Back right off and let her sort her stuff out, don't contact her again. Incidentally, were you texting/calling her a lot? because that can scare off some girls.
Author Lee2 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Not really, maybe a couple of times before I got a reply but no more than that. But at the weekend she was really friendly in the bar. I think the best thing may be to do is have a word with her this weekend in the bar and see what her intentions are, but I'm not gonna call/txt her til then. What do you think?
BCCA Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Her response was kind of harsh, but if she thinks its too much than it is for her. I would let this one go. Generally, when people are interested, they'll ask you to understand that they're busy at the moment, but will make time for you. She basically said 'go away, I'll tell you when we can hang out' which to me means youre not a high priority. Also, you sounded kind of desperate, which is usually a turn off to women. You were essentially groveling, and in the alternative, demanding an answer about how she felt. Looking for reassurance is not something a confident person would do, and truth be told, she could tell you she loved you forever, and then want nothing to do with you 5 minutes later. Thats life. If I can ask, is this your first dating experience since a LTR?
Dexter Morgan Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I've been out 3 times with this girl and I really like her, a week ago she stopped returning my texts. The last few texts went as follows:- Hi, how's it going? I hope you don't think Im being a pain in the ass, but when would you like to go out next. She replied: Actually, I do think you're coming on a bit strong. I'd stop contacting her after that comment. I said I'd let you know when I'm free, well I don't know when I'm free. In other words, she is in control, wants to be in control, and is arrogant as hell. Again, stop contacting her. I replied: Of course. But if you don't think you wanna see me again I'd rather you tell me now. She replied: If I didn't want to see you again I'd tell you, this is just a polite 'back off a bit please' while I get my life sorted[/qutoe] Just reply and say, sure...I'll back off....then don't return any more of her texts/calls. As for coming on strong, I've not had more than a small kiss and I've tried to play it cool so I don't believe that to be true. I did see her last Friday & Saturday evening in the bar she works and the few words I managed to grab with her were very friendly as usual but ..... should I forget her and move on or wait? What would you do? Move on. I wouldn't be with someone so cold.
Author Lee2 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 If I can ask, is this your first dating experience since a LTR? Yes, broke up with my wife of 11 years last October. This is my first since then.
Author Lee2 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Move on. I wouldn't be with someone so cold. But that's the thing when I see her in the bar, (i think) she's genuinely happy to see me, she comes from around the bar, playfully taps me and is all smiles.
northstar1 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 But that's the thing when I see her in the bar, (i think) she's genuinely happy to see me, she comes from around the bar, playfully taps me and is all smiles. Right, maybe she just transforms into "Bartender" mode, where she can be happy, and flirty - it works wonder for female bartenders,and lands them lots of tips and attention. I'm not trying to downplay that this girl wasn't interested at all, but as BCCA says, right now you are not a priority to her, which means you need to stop making her one. I know it stings, I've had that happen where a girl can be very hot and then suddenly cool. People go through phases and they dont' know what the want. Just back off, don't bring it up at the bar. Just be cool and if you see her, just be natural and don't mention any of it. If you do, you'll look needy.
Star Gazer Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Coming on strong isn't limited to physical activity. When a girl tells you that she needs to let you know when she's free - particularly if her life is up in the air as it is now, wondering if she's still got a job - LET HER contact you. Do not continue to initiate contact, and don't demand that she tell you whether she wants to see you again. Continuing to chase the ball after she's removed it from your court is the definition of coming on too strong. At this point, I'd chalk it up to a lost cause. Whatever interest she had is likely now gone entirely.
Author Lee2 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Yeah, I know you're right, I guess I just needed to hear it.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 But that's the thing when I see her in the bar, (i think) she's genuinely happy to see me, she comes from around the bar, playfully taps me and is all smiles. Then she is giving you mixed signals. Either she wants you around or she doesn't. She needs to quit playing games. i'd just stop contacting her. She wants you to back off? Sure...back off....permanently.
calazhage Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 She doesn't even sound nice.. I would forget this one.
kashmir Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 She seems pretty snippy and snooty if you ask me. Forget her, man.
reservoirdog1 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Not really, maybe a couple of times before I got a reply but no more than that. But at the weekend she was really friendly in the bar. I think the best thing may be to do is have a word with her this weekend in the bar and see what her intentions are, but I'm not gonna call/txt her til then. What do you think? Nope, don't do that. Don't text, phone, email her or anything. She has told you in no uncertain terms that you're coming on too strong and she wants space, so by initiating the next communication, you seem needy and desperate. If you see her at the bar, act friendly and upbeat towards her, but don't try to corner her or get her to talk to you. Let her set the agenda. If she doesn't seem to have the time of day for you, enjoy yourself with your friends, other girls, etc. You've only been on three dates -- you don't owe her your allegiance yet. This isn't game playing -- this is you living your life, being happy, and not getting too wrapped up over a girl who seems, frankly, like a bit of a grouch. Leave the ball in her court, and if she's interested, she'll initiate things. And if she doesn't, you've got your answer and you've preserved your dignity.
sid3 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I think the best thing may be to do is have a word with her this weekend in the bar and see what her intentions are, but I'm not gonna call/txt her til then. What do you think? I think that's absolutely the worst thing you could do. Doing so would tell her you haven't listened to what she is telling you. I'm sorry to say it, but BCCA is correct. You came across as extremely desperate and showed no confidence. I'm no lady killer, but I can safely say you should never ask for a date while confessing to be a pain in the ass. That right there killed your value in her eyes. She asked you to back off then you replied asking her to tell you whether or not she wanted to see you again. That was probably the nail in the coffin. I don't agree with the reply that suggests she's playing games. That's hilarious IMO. She's actually being honest with you and not playing games. She is telling you A) you are coming on too strong. One could say she is/was giving you a chance and to tone down your approach. B) She let you know she is concerned with her future employment, has to house sit, and she has things in her life to sort out. There is nothing about her replies that even remotely indicate that she is trying to gain control. After three dates she is still forming an impression about you, not looking to gain an upperhand. It just sounds like a case of coming across as being needy. Seeing as it's your first experience in getting back out there it's bound to happen. I wouldn't sweat it. Figure out where you may have gone wrong and avoid making the same mistakes with the next one. I'd avoid the bar she works at. Why not go somewhere new and look for someone else. Not contacting her would probably be the best way to allow her interest level to increase if there is any left.
Author Lee2 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 Thanks for the advice guys, I posted a message on her facebook page tonight as follows:- Just seen your facebook post pop up on my computer, how do u fancy another customer later? I am totally bored out of my head!! Lol. She txt: Hey, trust me, coming here will not relieve your boredom! I'm expecting 4 customers between now and 11 and I'm hoping to clean the shelves to pass the time. I'll see you Friday, if we're open! Lol. I replied: K, as the txt silence has now been broken (and I know I shouldn't have asked this but what the hell), what's the situation? Do u still need me to back off? Do u wanna go out sometime or 2 b just friends? Whatever you decide I'll c u on Friday and buy u a drink!! I just wanna know where I am, you know what I mean. She replied: I don't know what I want at the minute apart from some more time. I'm trying to sort my life out and I kind of need a clear head to do it. x. I replied, no problem, No more bul**** and no more coming on strong, u know I like u. x That's it. The way I see it at least if she decides no more, which let's face it she probably will, i'll have got a friend out of this. I know I'll probably get flamed on here for initiating contact with her but i'm a positive kind of guy and I like to take control of my life. I feel better for having had contact with her tonight. I don't like uncertainties and I like to know exactly where I stand (ok it hasn't exactly worked out that way but I tried )
Dexter Morgan Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I replied: K, as the txt silence has now been broken (and I know I shouldn't have asked this but what the hell), what's the situation? Do u still need me to back off? Do u wanna go out sometime or 2 b just friends? Whatever you decide I'll c u on Friday and buy u a drink!! I just wanna know where I am, you know what I mean. She replied: I don't know what I want at the minute apart from some more time. I'm trying to sort my life out and I kind of need a clear head to do it. x. I replied, no problem, No more bul**** and no more coming on strong, u know I like u. x Oh no....no no no no. *shaking head* now you come off as needy as well as giving her the upper hand. She now knows she can play you like a fiddle, treat you like crap, and you'll keep coming back for more. I know I'll probably get flamed on here for initiating contact with her but i'm a positive kind of guy and I like to take control of my life. No flaming, but someone needs to shake the p!ss outta ya my good man. The contact you intiated wasn't taking control. You gave it to her.
D-Lish Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Oh no....no no no no. *shaking head* now you come off as needy as well as giving her the upper hand. She now knows she can play you like a fiddle, treat you like crap, and you'll keep coming back for more. No flaming, but someone needs to shake the p!ss outta ya my good man. The contact you intiated wasn't taking control. You gave it to her. I am shaking my head as I read this post. You have TOTALLY gone about this the wrong way. You are coming off as way too needy and over eager. She hasn't given you one positive sign she's interested- she's actually asked you to back off.... Truly, it's time to move on. When a guy pursues me in such a manner I get so annoyed and turned off. I'm sorry to be harsh- but she isn't interested. No more contact- and in the future, when interested in a woman, don't lay your cards on the table so early or come on so strongly.
Krytie TV Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Yep, you successfully blew it. You lost all machismo and pride that you had left in her eyes with that little exchange. If you do, in fact, have any more pride left, you will politely tell her Friday is off (with no explanation) and swiftly sneak yourself out of all contact with this person. She owns you, she knows it, and you are in serious trouble if you keep engaged with her. THIS is how people get their still-beating hearts ripped from their chests and eaten while your still warm body watches.
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