Lippy2 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I am in need of some insight as I am feeling lost. My boyfriend and I had gotten back together this past Christmas, we had been broken up since August and talked and texted each other during that time. The whole time that we were broken up he told me that he never stopped loving me and that he would always be interested in me. He is the one who broke up with me saying it just wasn't going to work, he was mad at me at the time that happened. ( We have been together for 5 years - LDR for the past three years when he had to move away for work) So, we got back together at Christmas and he still seemed a little hesitant because he has so much going on in his work life and things were about to change there. He traveled some as it was but in the middle of January he found out that he would be traveling to the west coast almost every week for awhile and didn't know how much and when even after that. It seemed to really stress him out plus all the other changes work wise. He asked me to be patient and I said of course I would and I supported him 100%. He wasn't calling much or texting like he use even before this. Then he seems totally stressed from all the travel and everything. I was okay with it, I was trying to be understanding. Then a couple of days ago he calls and he seemed all agitated. Finally at somepoint in the conversation, I said is there a reason you don't call me back or want to talk to me. He said no, I just have been so tired and I feel bad for not calling because I want to but then I don't and then I think you'll be upset with me. So, he then says if I am going to be honest with myself and you, I have been doing alot of thinking and I think I need to take a step back and be by myself for awhile because I feel guilty that I can't give you what you want and need right now and I don't know when all the stuff is gonna slow down. That it isn't a question of him loving me because he does. He said he feels like he is always depressed when he talks to me. He is contemplating everything because he just doesn't know if it would work (like what are the expectations, what's the next step). He told me that I was the perfect girlfriend and no one could ask or better, that I was so supportive, giving understanding etc. If he wanted to be with someone it would be me. He said he didn't want to see anyone else, hence the I want to be by myself for awhile and he can't make any committments or promises right now. That he doesn't want to waste more of my time because I am wonderful and deserve better than he can give right now or might not ever be able to give. He said I don't want to tell you to wait because that's not fair to you. He said I know it's not you, it's me .. UGH>>>> Theres more but I think ones gets the jist. Can anyone help me with a some insight as I am so very confused and HURT? I thought this was the man I was going to spend my life wife. Right now I don't know what to think?
wowIlose Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 The best thing to do is listen to him and go with the flow. He wants to step back - what you need to do is step back as well... while you do this you must tell him your not going to put your life on pause while he is trying to figure out what he wants because it isn't fair to you. Then you must start making an effort to move on with your life and start moving forward. The last thing you want to do is corner him and pressure him to staying with you. This will push him further away from you - the only way he will reconsider is if you fall back and disappear from his life. That alone might be enough to wake him up and realize hes letting go of someone special and if it doesn't then you've already got a head start on moving forward. Its a win/win situation - don't make the mistake of becoming needy and desperate and you'll be fine. Good luck.
Author Lippy2 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 The best thing to do is listen to him and go with the flow. He wants to step back - what you need to do is step back as well... while you do this you must tell him your not going to put your life on pause while he is trying to figure out what he wants because it isn't fair to you. Then you must start making an effort to move on with your life and start moving forward. The last thing you want to do is corner him and pressure him to staying with you. This will push him further away from you - the only way he will reconsider is if you fall back and disappear from his life. That alone might be enough to wake him up and realize hes letting go of someone special and if it doesn't then you've already got a head start on moving forward. Its a win/win situation - don't make the mistake of becoming needy and desperate and you'll be fine. No, I won't become desperate and needy. I am just confused is all. It was like he said so many different things. At some point in that conversation he also said, do you want to be friends and go from there, I like talking to you or do you need a clean break. I mean all of it seemed a little odd. Things that contradicted. Very cliche if you will. I mean do men really feel they don't deserve you? Or is that a copout for I don't want you?
wowIlose Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Don't worry about what hes saying. Look to his actions. His actions are saying that he does not want to be with you exclusively but wants to keep you around just in case. Don't play his game. Tell him your fine with this but you don't think its good to keep talking and then politely tell him you need to go now. Be very nonchalant and polite about the whole thing. Two things will happen. He will either very quickly reconsider and panic because A) Your fine with the break B) Your showing maturity about the situation and C) Your willing to move on with your life and aren't playing his game. Or he will not care, in which case you got a head start on the healing process and will feel better about the fact you kept yourself together and didn't lose self respect by pleading/begging or sticking around.
Author Lippy2 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Understood. Thanks for your input, I greatly appreciate it. I suppose after 5 years thought that he wouldn't do this to me. After everything we have been through. I would rather someone tell me that they don't want me in there life than play some kind of game with me. I am not saying that's what he is doing but it's certainly how I feel. That's why I wonder if it's a copout and he is too cowardly to tell the truth? I won't contact him. Although sometimes I feel like I want to. If nothing else to get clarification about what he was saying. Your right ACTIONS ACTIONS.. I trusted this person with my heart and always supported in everything he's done. I feel thrown away.
Narf Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I know this is very very hard... But let him play the game by himself, There is nothing you can do or say that will help this situation as he is doing this all by himself in his head... I agree with the other poster... Give him space and try look at it from what you can tolerate... Even now you are questioning how he can do this after 5 years... Will you trust him if he decides to come back?? I would talk to him one last time stay how you feel and that you understand but you cant wait for someone who is taking out there confusion on you :/ When all you want to do is be there and help
Author Lippy2 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 I left him a text message the next day after we broke up, so tell him somethings and tell him what I thought. I texted him because I knew he was busy at work. I ask him if he got a chance to give me a call later that afternoon or evening. I never heard from him. So, I don't think that I should be calling him again. I mean he loves me right but can't answer my calls. I don't think I can rightfully make that call anymore. It would devestate me even more. I can give him space but don't ask me if I want to be friends and start with that but you can't even have the decency to give me a call back. I AM SO ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED.... Thanks for helping me through this, I certainly need the support and help right now.
D-Lish Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 No more texting or calling. Sometimes people aren't very good at breaking up with other people- it sounds as if he is trying to break up but isn't being clear, perhaps out of apprehension, confusion, guilt, etc. Don't go the friends route- don't even consider it, that arrangement will only end up hurting both of you. Sometimes when people say they need space, they really just need time and space- sometimes "space" is a way of avoiding saying "I don't want to be with you anymore". This is obviously something he has been thinking about for a while- so he has had a chance to do some processing. You haven't had this chance to process yet. The very best way to handle this is to back right off and leave him be. He'll either come to the conclusion that he misses being with you, or he won't. The worst thing you can do is to keep contacting him. He's asked for space- give it to him. It's the only way to handle this situation. He can't come to the conclusion that he misses you unless you aren't around. Any pressure will lead to resentment. If he does happen to call you back- tell him that you've thought about things and agree that space is a good thing for both of you. Make it a short, sweet call.... then discontinue contact. Telling him you agree with him will confuse him a bit- it's the opposite reaction of what he will be expecting. Then, by cutting off contact- you can regain some power back in this break up. It does sound like a break up (for now)... he has some stuff to work out- let him do it. Use this opportunity to make some plans and concentrate on your own life.
Author Lippy2 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 Why do I keep going over it in my mind. It hurts so badly. So many questions and just no answers. Why if you love someone so much do they need space? Was he telling me what he thought I wanted to hear? Whats the guilt thing, I mean why was he feeling so guilty? Why did he say he sometimes doesn't think it will work because of his guilt ? Why did he say he doesn't want to waste anymore of time. Its not fair to me to ask me to wait? I mean truly, you tell me how much you love me and if you wanted to be with someone it would be me. Why am I trying to make sense of this. It hurts to much. Sorry for the ramble, I just have so many thoughts right now. Thanks everyone for being here for me. It really does help. My god, I am in such a state of confusion. I want to throw up.
wowIlose Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Stop over analyzing it. Just step back from the situation because if you allow yourself to get mentally weak and you let your emotions run the show then you will ultimately end up scaring him away. You need to breath and relax. Its going to be okay. With him or without him. Take care of yourself and try not to worry so much about why this or why that. The more you analyze the more crazy your going to feel.
Author Lippy2 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 Thanks for the support. I know what your saying. I haven't called or anything. I told him on the phone that day that I would support whatever he did. Just wondering in my mind if this was really just a COPOUT on his part. Seriously, that would change everything with me!!
Author Lippy2 Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 I am having a really bad day. I couldn't sleep last night. I think I have made myself physically sick. I trusted this man, I really did. UGH..
Author Lippy2 Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Having another really horrible day!!! I try not to think about it, but that's impossible. Why would a man that loves you so much or so he says do what he did? Is it even remotely possible that he really believes what he told me or does he just want what he thinks is an easy way out? I waver back and forth and I know I shouldn't be dwelling on all of this but I am curious as to what he was thinking saying all those things to me. I just don't know what I should think here.
Author Lippy2 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 I WANT TO SCREAM... All these tears. I just can't take it. NC almost three weeks. Haven't heard from him either.
Author Lippy2 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 I really want to call him and see how he is doing? I know I shouldn't but it isn't as if we broke up in a bad way. I just don't know. I am afraid all it would do for me is make it worse but at the same time I want him to know I am here for him and that I still support him. Should I call or is that stupid to do?
bubblegum Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I just don't know. I am afraid all it would do for me is make it worse but at the same time I want him to know I am here for him and that I still support him. Should I call or is that stupid to do? He already knows that you are there for him. I realize you are wondering how he is, but you're also motivated by feelings of loss and desperation, right? You want to hear something from him that will make you feel better. And maybe he'd say a few nice things that would temporarily make you feel better, give you hope. But after a couple hours and certainly the next day, when you don't hear from him again, all these bad feelings will return. I know this is an awful place you are in, a very low point, and that it sucks. But eventually and slowly you will move forward. So no, I don't think you should call.
Author Lippy2 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Bubblegum, you are most likely right. I shouldn't. He knows I am here and if he wanted to contact me he would. I am afraid his pride won't let him, that's why I guess I thought maybe I should. On the flip side, he's the one who wanted to be by himself, no matter how he put it to me. He wants to be alone for now or maybe not just be with me. I guess I am afraid because I feel like I will lose him but then again, I suppose I should look at it as I already have. He's already gone. That's where my brain gets screwed up, I dont understand why he said all the things he did to me?
bubblegum Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Well, from what you wrote of what he said, he loves you, but not in the way he should love a gf, so he feels guilty being with you, leading you on so to speak. He said you were a wonderful gf, but I think he's trying to express to you that he just doesn't feel that you're the one for him. Yes, you should look at it as if he's gone for good. That's the only thing to do. While he's taking this time to focus on himself and work whatever out in his mind, you should do the same. It's very sad and difficult, but it's absolutely the only thing you can do. Then, if or when he contacts you you'll be in a much better, more emotionally stable place to deal with him.
Author Lippy2 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Well, from what you wrote of what he said, he loves you, but not in the way he should love a gf, so he feels guilty being with you, leading you on so to speak. He said you were a wonderful gf, but I think he's trying to express to you that he just doesn't feel that you're the one for him. Yes, you should look at it as if he's gone for good. That's the only thing to do. While he's taking this time to focus on himself and work whatever out in his mind, you should do the same. It's very sad and difficult, but it's absolutely the only thing you can do. Then, if or when he contacts you you'll be in a much better, more emotionally stable place to deal with him. Bubblegum.. so you don't think what he said to me was the truth? It's not all the stress in life and figuring out what to do. I myself couldn't understand the guilt thing but he says that that's one of the reasons he doesn't know if it will work, because he wants to give me what I deserve and right now he can't with the new work and traveling, I mean could one be that selfless?
bubblegum Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I'm sure all his stress is a contributing factor. He's saying he wants to devote himself to work, and can't give you enough of himself. How much of his not wanting to give you enough of himself is due to work alone, or due to his not loving you the way he wants to love a gf is unknown.
Author Lippy2 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Well, good question. He company did a huge amount of layoffs. He still has his position but when all this happened at work and his having to travel all the time far away, he seemed to get very stressed out and this wasn't what he expected, he thought things were finally settling down and they went topsy turvy. He seemed concerned about everything, his life, me, his mortality. He feels overwhelmed and frustrated. So, I don't know. I suppose it could have been one big copout. I asked him if he wanted out or didn't want to be with me and he said I would tell you if that was the case. I just don't know what's what anymore. So maybe your right, maybe he doesn't feel I am the girl for him. UGH
bubblegum Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Forgive me, I'm confused. Have you 2 officially broken up or did he say he wants time and space but that you aren't broken up?
Author Lippy2 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Oh, sorry I thought you read my original post. That's where I got confused. If you can re-read my original post, maybe it might give you a little insight? I myself am confused but I took it as a break-up. Let me know what your thoughts are. By the way bubblegum, thanks for being here for me. It is much appreciated.
bubblegum Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 No problem, I know how painful this is that you're going thru. I read your original post, and thought you had a break-up, but then in that next to last post you made you said you asked him if "he didn't want to be with me or wanted out" and he said no, he'd tell you if that were the case. That's what confused me.
Author Lippy2 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 No problem, I know how painful this is that you're going thru. I read your original post, and thought you had a break-up, but then in that next to last post you made you said you asked him if "he didn't want to be with me or wanted out" and he said no, he'd tell you if that were the case. That's what confused me. Well during that conversation we last had when he said everything else, he said that too. That's why I am so confused. I don't understand?
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