How do I fix this?

[cresentcrow44]

I find myself in a frustrating mess. 24 years ago, I had this huge crush on this guy, Mason. I never acted on the crush, because I was 'one of the guys' and hung out with Mason and a few other guys that I was good friends with. I didn't want to mess up a good friendship. And there was, the way he was always trying to make me go home when there was a party there at his fathers house (his dad had syndicate ties). I just always had the impression that Mason didn't really like me 'that way', I never gave his father's business a second thought. I mean everyone in the area knew what his father was.

 

Due to a hard home life, as soon as I graduated I took off for parts unknown. I tried to find Mason and the guys to tell them good bye, but I wasn't successful, so I left without a word to any of my friends, including Mason.

For several years I enjoyed the gypsy life style. I eventually got married, had a child, divorced a few years ago and started my gypsy traveling again. My son is grown so I thought why not? I can afford it.

 

During all of this time I never knew what being in love really meant. It had never happened to me. Looking back, I see now, that I have always been in love with him, just never knew I was, and I'll be honest and say that at 15-17 years old, I didn't know what to do with these feelings anyway.

On various web sites like class reunion type deals, I looked for him because over all these years, I still thought about him from time to time. Mason actually saw my profile on a couple of these sites and started trying to get in touch with me. It was always a hit and miss kind of thing because I rarely checked into these sites, so I didn't know he was trying to find me. That he had been trying to find me for a couple years now.

 

One month ago he found me on a site that I just joined, one that I do check frequently. He asked me to call him, so of course, I did. We talked for hours and that is when I learned he was trying to keep me away from his father's business, when he would try to make me leave any kind of gatherings there at his father's place, all of those years ago. I told him about the huge crush I had on him in high school and then we talked some more. When he asked if he could call me in the morning (he had to get some sleep for work) I said sure.

After I hung up the phone, something made me pick it right back up and call him back.

 

I stuttered and stumbled, finally telling him, I had no idea why I called back.

 

He laughed softly, and said, "It's alright, I've been in love with you for years, too." I nearly swallowed my tongue.

Sounds like a dream come true doesn't it? Here's the thing.

 

He lives 4 hours away. He is in a mess right now that keeps him from leaving the city he is in. This mess also prevents me from coming to him. He refuses to have me there while he is dealing with said mess. Again being protective. Yes, the mess is a legal one concerning his fathers old business, (his father died recently). No Mason isn't in that business, but he knows allot about it. Too much, apparently.

He asked me if I would rather him not call again until he gets it all sorted out. I said that I wanted him to keep calling me, emails, text, ect. I wasn't about to let this chance slip away.

 

The first three weeks have been wonderful, we have gotten to know each other again. Then I started to back off a little. Before I knew it, I found myself holding back my thoughts and feelings, here and there, because I just think that some things need to be learned, or said face to face.

 

Mason seems to be picking up on me holding back and has started doing the same thing. It's a mess. That instant click, that connection we both felt? Well, seems like it is starting to deteriorate, before it's had the chance to solidify.

I don't know how to fix it. I have tried to explain to him that I am trying to give him the time and space, he needs to handle his legal mess, that I'm trying to NOT demand too much right now. But maybe I came off too practical? Too something. I don't know, I just don't know.

Any advice on how to fix this? Patients? Ignore him asking me to not come there yet and jump in my car and go? Stop holding back? What?

 

I'm new to this site. I have read page after page of good sound logical advice for various problems. I'm hoping I can't figure out what to do because I am too close to it. Any suggestions?

[Island Girl]

Hi there

 

Sorry for the delay in replying to you

 

You posted on another thread that you think you answered your own questions by reading through that one.

 

Basically anything in life that is worth anything takes effort.

 

Sometimes that effort is physical. Sometimes that effort is mental. Sometimes it is emotional.

 

In your case it is mental and emotional.

 

You have said you have started to pull away somewhat and in response to that so has he.

 

That is one thing that you can not do in an LDR.

 

We don't have the luxury of not being very open and still dating - then things develop slowly but they still develop.

 

In an LDR if sharing and communication get difficult it is really easy to (after a time) say "screw it" and end the relationship.

 

Real effort needs to be taken to make everything very honest and open.

 

It sounds like he was doing this as long as you were so go back to that.

 

You have to be really vulnerable about what you are feeling or thinking. WAY more vulnerable than in person.

 

We get a lot of reassurances through looks and touches when we date in person.

 

In an LDR some of those reassurances we have to ask for. We can't dance around what we are really looking for or need. And we can never expect our SO to read our minds.

Even those people who are intuitive have difficulty when the non verbal queues are removed.

 

All we have is our personalities, thoughts, and feelings to share. You have to take the risk to be able to put yourself out there.

 

Even your insecurities are part of your intricacies as a unique individual.

So let him get to know you - all of you.

And I am sure he will reciprocate.

 

I know it can be hard to be open and honest at all times. Sometimes we don't want to show our soft underbellies because we are so afraid of getting hurt. But the best feeling is being able to show that to someone who in turn shows theirs to us.

And then cherishes us for our courage.

 

Best wishes to you.

[Nicodaemos]

Agreed with Island Girl, wish she could take with the woman I love, heh.

 

Anyway, to your issue. Agree I do that you cant hold back. I am interested in what you think must be learned in person. I have skeletons in my closet, and one in particular is rather serious, but other than that, I have told everything to my love. I cant be there for her to see them, to have the little nuances of behavior, sight, touch, even taste and smell too. Maybe he saw your holding back, and he misinterpreted it, and might be holding himself ready for a good bye, I cant say, cant read his mind.

 

All people have a certain way of thinking, its what defines them, makes them who they are, and sometimes, they cant understand, or get past something that others can do easily. Its easy to see strengths and weakness in the physical world, being good at math, fixing things. Maybe hearing all the little inane problems, the mundane as well as the significant in your life is what helps him get through his problems. I am a guy that believes both new and old ways. I respect women, put myself in the position to take care of them, but, I dont expect subserviance, I also dont expect accomidation to a person in the work place just because they are a woman. Biological things, yes, that I understand, but not getting down and dirty, not being strong enough, I dont accept, anyone can build muscle, and having a little dirt under yer nails is a turn on.

 

maybe he has a similar mindset. Trying to protect you seems to show that, but really there isnt much there about who he is. Maybe having that searching quest for you, and finally finding you was a bit of a quest. Always though, what to do after your goal is reached, for him it may be easy, in thought, get you into his life. BUT, not yet, not till it is safe. If he tried to protect you before, I imagine he will now, and seems he is. Maybe it is what gives him that reason to fight what ever needs fighting.

 

Being that there is a past between you two, a word of caution. Dont let nostalgia bring you to expect the 'better times' they were better cause of the lack of worries, the carefree, fun filled times. Well, yea, school, yer hair, and who is cutest was the primary concern for most at that time. you have been past that though to a childs priority. You said you left home right after school, due to things being hard at home. Use that as a reference. Remember the good, but keep it in the past, and dont try to recreate it, relive it, make new good. Cause then you will have more memories in late life, more good, and more variety to remember when things stop.

 

Overall, yea, dont hold back, tell all. She held back alot from me, and it is one of the things that ruined what we had between us. dont let it ruin yall.

[cresentcrow44]

Hi there

 

Sorry for the delay in replying to you

 

You posted on another thread that you think you answered your own questions by reading through that one.

 

Basically anything in life that is worth anything takes effort.

 

Sometimes that effort is physical. Sometimes that effort is mental. Sometimes it is emotional.

 

In your case it is mental and emotional.

 

You have said you have started to pull away somewhat and in response to that so has he.

 

That is one thing that you can not do in an LDR.

 

We don't have the luxury of not being very open and still dating - then things develop slowly but they still develop.

 

In an LDR if sharing and communication get difficult it is really easy to (after a time) say "screw it" and end the relationship.

 

Real effort needs to be taken to make everything very honest and open.

 

It sounds like he was doing this as long as you were so go back to that.

 

You have to be really vulnerable about what you are feeling or thinking. WAY more vulnerable than in person.

 

We get a lot of reassurances through looks and touches when we date in person.

 

In an LDR some of those reassurances we have to ask for. We can't dance around what we are really looking for or need. And we can never expect our SO to read our minds.

Even those people who are intuitive have difficulty when the non verbal queues are removed.

 

All we have is our personalities, thoughts, and feelings to share. You have to take the risk to be able to put yourself out there.

 

Even your insecurities are part of your intricacies as a unique individual.

So let him get to know you - all of you.

And I am sure he will reciprocate.

 

I know it can be hard to be open and honest at all times. Sometimes we don't want to show our soft underbellies because we are so afraid of getting hurt. But the best feeling is being able to show that to someone who in turn shows theirs to us.

And then cherishes us for our courage.

 

Best wishes to you.

 

 

 

Thank you so much Island Girl....I think your right and I did take your advice. Things seem to be moving in the right direction again. This does really test everything doesn't it? And your right, being open isn't a thing I do very well. Never have, but I am trying to now. Thank you again.

[Island Girl]

I'm glad things seem to be back on track.

 

As hard as it is to be open - it IS worth it. The return is amazing.

[cresentcrow44]

Thank you for your insight here. We did have a past, thats true, but it was only a friendship because neither of us would take that chance, I really was just one of the guys to our little group. I hadn't thought about being aware of not mixing the past and the present up, but I will now. I agree about not trying to recreate those good times, to ya know keep them in that past where they belong. We do enjoy some good laughs over things that happened back then, but both of us really do want to make different memories, new ones. The only thing I guess I can explain to the 'in person' part of my thinking is that in my kind of business I rely almost completely on instinct. This is a very five senses kind of thing to me. After all of these years I suppose that I tend to think this way now.

The protective part? Yes that is exactly what he is doing. Again. And it irritates me to no end.

I slipped into the city he lives in about 8 or 9 days ago, and found him. He was glad to see me and he was very pissed. We had a very heated exchange when he tried to take me to the train to go back home. Thats when he picked up on the one thing I really didnt intend for him to, not that I care that he knows. Its just not my thing to tell. Complicated.

At any rate he gave up trying to convince me to go and we went to his place. Spent 3 very nice days together. I wanted to stay, he wouldnt hear of it. It wasnt until I picked up on his panic that I gave in and came back home. But I still feel like I should have stayed, I could have helped. I just have this feeling that he needs me.What he is trying to do is very dangerous to him, not me.

SO let me ask you this. If the one thing I am holding back would help him, or at the least put his mind at ease concerning my safety should I toss confidences out the window? Or will anything I tell him put his mind at ease anyway? Or should I just follow my gut and get back there asap? He doesn't have to know Im watching his back right this second. Im thinking of doing this exact thing, to tell the truth. I already have most of it set up. I know he will be pissed, but I can live with pissed. The thing is I can take care of myself in this kind of thing, Ive handled similar situations like it before, its that kind of business. But Mason doesn't know that and once I tell him he will want to know all the details, and I dont know that I can break these confidences to tell him. Im still trying to work all of that out.

Its a real complicated mess.

[cresentcrow44]

I believe you Island Girl, I really do. I know I should be open about everything right now, and I am as far as my feelings and my emotions are concerned. At least I am doing my very best to. I still find him pulling things out of me, as he says, lol. We are doing much better, Ill be taking this down tonight, I have found that I have to delete it soon for one reason or another, but I wanted to say thank you again.

[Island Girl]

Wow. I don't know what to say about all of the business of watching his back but he can't know the details of how you know you can protect yourself, etc.

 

It sounds like The Sopranos.

 

Anyway - this thread can't be taken down. It is not like a blog or something.

 

I hope things all work out in your favor.

 

And whatever is happening - all involved are safe.

 

Good luck to you.

[cresentcrow44]

Yep I just figured that out, lol. Boy do I feel ridiculous. The Sopranos? It's probably my writing taking on a tone that I didn't intend, occupational hazard sometimes. It really isn't anything like that, it's mostly boring stuff in truth. Mason is just trying to handle too much of his Father's crap alone. He should have handed it all over to the cops and washed his hands of it all the day after his dad passed away. Stubborn man. I was a bail retrieval agent for some years, that's where I get most of my inspiration for my work now. I'm probably making it sound more than what it really is.