I don't want my ex in my life in any way, but he's messing with my head I think.

[sad_panda]

This is long, so here goes. It's about me trying to live my life apart from my ex so I can heal, and him not knowing his boundaries.

 

My ex-bf dumped me December last year, just before Christmas. It wasn't a really messy break-up, although it was unexpected on my part. I cried for an hour or so and also begged for another chance while I was at it. But in the end I graciously accepted his decision and the blame he left on my shoulders. I walked away with as much dignity as I could. Before I left I told him that I was sorry for being inadequate, that I loved him, and that I was grateful for all the wonderful things he did. I also told him not to contact me ever again, and that I would block him from my Yahoo messenger, emails, Facebook, etc. I told him that it was nothing personal. I just wanted a clean break and a faster healing. I even told him that after I get to be okay, maybe we could have a real shot at being friends.

 

Now it has been more than two months since the break-up. Within those two months, I've implemented strict NC. No Christmas and New Year greetings, no birthday greetings, no get-well soon messages even after he got into a car accident that had him hospitalized for a few days. In short, nothing at all. I let my sister handle the unfinished business between my ex and me (like stuff that needed returning, etc.). The only time I broke NC was when I sent him a succinct "thanks" after he sent me a greeting via text message on my birthday, and I only did it to be polite.

 

Also, within those two months, I found out that my ex lied to me when he told me that there was no one else and that he just needed a break to rest his heart. Just within days of breaking up he already hooked up with a girl from work, and now they're officially together. I expected him to date around right away but I never expected he would settle down right away with someone new. Although I can't prove it, I have a very strong feeling that my ex might not have physically cheated on me with that girl, but he most likely did some emotional cheating.

 

So given all that, here I am. Still strong, still holding on to that NC even after I found out about him and the girl (he doesn't know that I know). I no longer miss him, I'm no longer in love with him (and I'm not just saying this, it's really one of his issues with me, his feeling that I didn't really love him enough anyway, and now looking back, I realize that what he said must have been true). I'm still angry at him, though, for making a fool out of me when he lied. Eventually I know I will be able to forgive him, but I absolutely don't want to be friends with him. I am certain I never want to have anything to do with him, not even as a friend. I can't be friends who can lie to me like that. I can't look at him and not be embarrassed by the fact that I begged him to give me another chance. For me he is a reminder of a past that I choose to forget because it was too painful and too humiliating.

 

All trace of him is deleted from my life. I removed pictures of him from my photo albums both offline and online. I deleted him, his brother, his sister, and his friends from my social networking sites. I also erased archives of my IM conversations with him. I also erased from my cell phone all text messages he had ever sent me. His number and his family's numbers are no longer in my cell phone's contacts list. When I meet up with mutual friends, I never ever bring up his name or even make a reference whatsoever to the breakup. Except here for LS, I never bring up my ex and the breakup anymore in conversations, even ones with my family and close friends. Long story short, I deleted my ex from my life as if he never existed. If I could delete him from my head and heart I would've done it.

 

Am I being bitter if that's what I want? I don't want to be remembered as the bitter ex. It's worse now, since he recently added back my sister (who deleted him) to his social networking sites. He started talking to my cousins and my friends via IM, but they said he never talked about me. Take here for example, my ex just had a conversation on YM chat with my sister's boyfriend about sports. My ex also had a Google mail chat with my cousin about an upcoming concert. My ex was always the one who initiated the conversations.

 

I hate what he's doing! My sister and friends don't want anything to do with my ex, too, and that they're only talking to him to be civil. In fact my sister told him upfront that he should know his boundaries but he said that he doesn't see why he had to 'break' up with my family and friends just because he broke up with me. He even said that he doesn't know why he and I can't be friends just because we broke up. Then he went ahead and uploaded old group pictures with me in it on Facebook. Those pictures came from a trip we took with a few of our friends, a trip that marked the official beginning of our relationship. No, I didn't check his Facebook. A mutual friend tagged me in all eight photos so they showed up in my profile, and I untagged myself from each one of them.

 

I feel like my ex is subtly implying that I'm childish and bitter for wanting him completely out of my life by acting the way he is acting. But I can't pretend to be okay having ties with him even if it means it makes me look more mature. It has only been two months, I wish he could leave me and everyone alone on my side for a few more months until I'm completely healed. He could be friends with my family and friends after that for all I care.

[Treasa]

I think your family and friends need to stop being polite (unless they genuinely want to be friends with him) and tell him to stop contacting them. If they don't want to be friends with him, they should value your feelings over not hurting his, and tell him to F off.

[sad_panda]

I think your family and friends need to stop being polite (unless they genuinely want to be friends with him)

 

Ah fortunately I'm sure that they don't want to be friends with him. In fact, they loathe him because the way he broke up with me was horrible. My family and friends are just unsure how to act around him because they know that their behavior will reflect on mine, and they don't want my ex to have another reason to believe that I'm so affected by the breakup.

 

I was affected deeply, but at this point I just don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. It's more indifference than bitterness.

[Treasa]

Perhaps they can just avoid his calls, emails, etc. When someone I don't want to talk to calls, I don't answer.

 

Or else they can politely tell him that they don't have time, but that they hope he has a great day.

[2sure]

You are not being bitter or childish. The reality is that you have chosen the best and only way to move on after a break up.

 

For him to feel that he must continue to be accepted by your friends and family is his manipulative way of showing he did nothing wrong. Even if he DID do nothing wrong, he is over stepping into YOUR life through them.

 

I understand they want to be civil and polite, and you cannot ask them to be rude. Some of them may feel you seem to have completely moved on and that the contact is harmless and irrelevant.

 

And you HAVE moved on. But moving on does not change the fact that you have chosen to completely extricate him from your life.

 

Saying something like this to people to encourage them to ignore him might help:

 

"Our break up was made easier for me because he ceased to exist in my world. You are part of my world, and if you have to talk to him, I understand , but dont mention it to me because for my own reasons I prefer to think of him as non existant. "

 

In saying that, you have not given anything up or asked anyone else to give anything up. Additionally, you have given them permission and reason to be loyal to you with no hostility.

[sad_panda]

You are not being bitter or childish. The reality is that you have chosen the best and only way to move on after a break up.

 

For him to feel that he must continue to be accepted by your friends and family is his manipulative way of showing he did nothing wrong. Even if he DID do nothing wrong, he is over stepping into YOUR life through them.

 

 

Thanks for the advice. I was thinking that refusing to be friends with him is a sign that I'm still affected by him, and perhaps even still in love with him. Thus, a part of me feels forced to be friends with him just so I can show everyone that I've moved on. But I don't want to do anything I don't feel like doing.

 

Deep in my heart, I know I can't be friends with him ever. Civil acquaintances perhaps, but definitely not friends. Aside from the fact that I firmly believed he emotionally cheated on me, I don't think I can ever look him in the eye and not feel humiliated and embarrassed by his rejection and my pitiful begging. My pride was what drove me to be in strict NC from the very start.

 

I think it's unfair of him to try to be part of my world, even if it's only in the sidelines. He broke up with me on his own terms, after all. I didn't get to have a say when he decided I want out. Now he doesn't get a say when I've decided I don't want anything to do with him.

[Treasa]

Thanks for the advice. I was thinking that refusing to be friends with him is a sign that I'm still affected by him, and perhaps even still in love with him. Thus, a part of me feels forced to be friends with him just so I can show everyone that I've moved on. But I don't want to do anything I don't feel like doing.

 

You refuse to be friends with people you don't like all the time, don't you? Or rather, I should say, you're only friends with people you want to be friends with.

 

I think you're more showing that you're affected by him if you let him manipulate you like this. Don't be friends with him, screw what he thinks, and tell your friends/family that they can be friends with him if they want, but you don't want to hear about it. If they DON'T want to be friends with him, they should tell him flat out.

 

I spent too long being "friends" with toxic people, and I refuse to do so for decorum's sake anymore.

[sad_panda]

I already told my family and friends that I would prefer them not to be friends with my ex, but ultimately it would be their choice...and I'm happy to report that they don't want to be friends with him, and have told him so. They're all civil towards him, but they've made themselves quite distant.

 

As my sister's boyfriend told my ex, "What for?"

 

I hate how things went down this way but my ex was the one who chose to end it like it did. Even if I wasn't that in love with him, I did care for him. We could've been friends after a year or two of strict NC. Too bad he lied to me about having another girl.

[New York]

You post reads almost 100% like my posts on this subject (down to the timing of the breakup, her reasons for the break, and me subsequently finding out that she ended things because of another man). Like you, I deleted every single thing I possibly had that reminded me of her--deleted all emails, photos, threw away everything she gave me and (other than a few brief pathetic attempts at contact from me to her which ended with me telling her off) have not reached out to her in any way.

 

Your friends and family should understand that healing takes time and respect that. To that end, I would ask them politely to remove him from any social networking sites and to respect your need to rebuild your life entirely separate from him.

 

That is not bitter. That is called truly moving on. And those that care about you should understand and honor your wishes.

 

Good luck. You deserve much more than this person evere gave to you. And his friending your family and friends seems a bit selfish and manipulative.

[miss-jem-bishop]

i dont think it is bitter or childish at all because when you get hurt sometimes its best to erase someone then have them a little bit there because it just eats at you.

i still love my ex and wish i had guts to let go of things like texts, number, facebook, chats etc but i just cnt do it.. i go to do it all the time and i cant! it hurts so much tho! but i wish i cud do it.

so you are one strong person to have done that! so well done!!

maybe you should tell you family you would rather they dont speak to him or mabye go on a family chat thing and say to him why are you doing this .... why do you feel you need to speak to my family and get invovled still. i just wanna let go im not being bitter or meaning to sound selfish but i realy just wanna put all this behind for both our sakes...

well whatever you decide to do .. good luck! x