IcemanJB Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Hey everyone. I just want to say first off that the help I've gotten from people here has been outstanding. Thanks to DSM-Tom, Dmoney, Geisha, and everyone else. Many of you know my story, but I'll write out an extremely short version: My ex and I met over a year ago. She is very good friends with my sister (which complicates things because my sister and I are best friends); in fact they're living together starting this summer. Anyways, there was something there from the moment we met. We got to know each other for about 4 months or so, then started going on dates. I heard from my sister that the ex stated she wasn't sure she wanted to be "tied down". Despite this, we were "official" in the summer. We were both very happy, and things were amazing. I felt so lucky to be with her, and she said the same to me blah blah blah. Anyways, she came over to my place one Thursday night out of the blue, and I thought she was going to pass out, she looked so nervous (she gets worked up easily in general though). After 30 minutes of calming her down, she started saying a bunch of unconnected sentences of what she had been thinking, and she just sounded so scared and unsure...then she lost it and cried the rest of the night. I asked her if she wanted a breakup, but she couldn't bring herself to say the words. I told her to leave and take all her things from my room. I asked her over a few nights later because I wanted answers. She came over right away, although she said she had to stand outside my house for about 15 minutes trying to calm down...we got to talking again, and it was the same as the other night; just her crying all night. Still no answers, other than her saying "I want to be with you so bad" but she needed to break up. Finally she came over about 3 weeks later and was able to tell me simply "I didn't know why at the time of the breakup, but I can't be in a relationship right now." She does have some issues that I won't get into, but it still hurt. We ran into each other at a bar a couple weeks after that, all I said to her was "hi" and hugged her as I was leaving. She had that super nervous look again and couldn't even look me in the eye. I got a text 3 minutes later saying she wanted to talk, and stupidly I went back and we talked for about 45 minutes outside the bar, sober. We obviously both weren't over it, and the contact was hurting me. She continued texting me that weekend, and I finally told her on Nov. 24th to not contact me until I do first. She replied saying she understands, she's sooo sorry, feels awful, isn't over it, blah blah blah. So it's been 3 months NC to the day, and I'm do very well. She has 100% honored my request, even while she was frequently contacting me before; so I'm very thankful for that. I've started talking to other women, which helps. She is single and being her crazy self from what I hear. The thought of me seeing other women is now exciting, even though I think about the ex quite a bit still (but I even think of previous exs too, so that's just me). I've come to the realization that I won't get any more healed than I am, and I hate burning bridges. The point is I'm thinking about breaking NC today, or this weekend when her birthday is. I think I'm OK with any response I get, or none at all. I just wanted to know what you guys think; I know the common automatic response is "DON'T BREAK NC YOU FOOL!!!" lol, but I kind of feel as if it has run its course. Let me know what you guys think! EDIT: I guess my overall reasoning is that there is no avoiding her. I'm not going to skip hanging out with my sister this summer because she lives with my ex. That would be stupid.
Lippy2 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. It's apparent that you both have respect for each other and she has honored your request. If you feel that you are over this and in a good place then it might be a good thing, seeing that your ex and your sister are good friends. I guess my question would be is she in a good place and can you see you two being friends?
wowIlose Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Nope - if there is one day that you should not contact your ex its her birthday. I remember when I didn't contact my ex on her birthday she later told me she pondered why I hadn't (... maybe her breaking my heart into a million pieces had something to do with it.. i dunno..). The point I am making is there is no good that can come from contacting her but there is some good that can come from not contacting her - if your purpose is to get over her then you will need NC right now. If your purpose is to raise her interest in you again and have a possible reconciliation then you need to prove you don't need her and are moving on, in which case NC is the answer again. Good luck.
Ronni_W Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Hey Iceman. I think if it feels like it's run its course, then it probably has -- your gut knows about such matters . And of course, you do have the added incentive to have a more cordial relationship (if not downright friendly) due to her continuing connection with your sister. I take it you've envisioned how you're potentially going to feel/handle it when she gets around to stop being "her crazy self" and gets into a serious, committed relationship? And/or, if that happens for her before you are settled into a new relationship of your own? Even if that part needs more self-reflection, though, I can't see it hurting to wish her a happy b/day -- as you say, it also does influence your relationship/interactions with your sister, come summer.
Author IcemanJB Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 The point I am making is there is no good that can come from contacting her but there is some good that can come from not contacting her - if your purpose is to get over her then you will need NC right now. If your purpose is to raise her interest in you again and have a possible reconciliation then you need to prove you don't need her and are moving on, in which case NC is the answer again. Good luck. This is very true, if the person isn't over their ex. I was definitely not using NC to get her back, but rather to heal. I feel as if this is as healed as I'm going to get. It would be so much easier if she had done something awful to me, but that's just not the case. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. It's apparent that you both have respect for each other and she has honored your request. If you feel that you are over this and in a good place then it might be a good thing, seeing that your ex and your sister are good friends. I guess my question would be is she in a good place and can you see you two being friends? I've been thinking about this too. I don't necessarily want to be close good friends with her; I just don't want to burn this bridge, because she I KNOW she is a good person (my family really likes her). I am in contact with most of my previous exs (some more than others), and have no problems with it. Of course I've never fallen this hard for someone, but I've also never gone NC and healed this much before! There is that chance that SHE isn't in a good place either...
Author IcemanJB Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Hey Iceman. I think if it feels like it's run its course, then it probably has -- your gut knows about such matters . And of course, you do have the added incentive to have a more cordial relationship (if not downright friendly) due to her continuing connection with your sister. I take it you've envisioned how you're potentially going to feel/handle it when she gets around to stop being "her crazy self" and gets into a serious, committed relationship? And/or, if that happens for her before you are settled into a new relationship of your own? Even if that part needs more self-reflection, though, I can't see it hurting to wish her a happy b/day -- as you say, it also does influence your relationship/interactions with your sister, come summer. About 2 months ago this (bold part) thought absolutely drove me crazy. Right now I am borderline indifferent to it. I mean my heart would drop a little if I found out she were with someone, but I don't think I would have a hard time recovering at all. I do think my ex and I have done a very good job not involving my sister though. She means a lot to both of us, so we haven't involved her. She has occasionally asked me how things are going with my ex, but I usually just say I don't feel like talking about it - mainly because I don't want it to affect their friendship. I'll think about it some more and decide after class today.
not_a_happy_camper Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Hi Iceman, I think you've handled this situation very well. You both obviously care very much about each other, and have mutual respect. And the fact that you have managed not to involve your sister in any of this says a lot about both of you. It does sound like you are at a stage where you can break NC, and you are right, there is no point burning bridges. You and your ex are obviously both very important to your sister. None of you should have to suffer for fear of bumping into the other, or offending anyone. And to be honest, it sounds like both you and your ex have the maturity not to allow the past affect the future in this way. so best foot forward. send a birthday text.
sad_panda Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Do it only when you are really sure you are ready and when you think you can handle backsliding in case you find out right then and there that you are not ready after all (which means can you fake it 'til you make it?). I used to think I want to contact my ex after year which seems to be a reasonable time for total healing. Although now I'm thinking NEVER after finding out that he lied to me about having another girl.
Author IcemanJB Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 You guys are NEVER going to believe this: I am still in shock over this. I got to work, and guess who I get a text from....yep, my ex. Talk about a total change of situation. Here I was contemplating breaking NC after 3 months, and she does it ONE HOUR before I planned to do it. AFTER THREE MONTHS of not saying a word to each other. This is just messed up. I don't even know what to think. She said something to the effect of: "this is random but I saw you walking today when I was leaving class". All I replied with was: "Where?"...then told her she was seeing things, but she swears it was me. Anyways, guess what this means! I officially held NC for 3 months, and SHE was the one to break it! It's fine though...we must be on the same wavelength regarding the healing process. Maybe she feels the same about our situation with my sister. Simply random and weird. Thanks for the responses everyone. She will probably get a birthday text from me.
Narf Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Wow that is random and weird!! But good too now you dont have to feel you let yourself down by breaking it... And you can be distant friends That is great! I would send the birthday txt
Author IcemanJB Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 Well it's a day after the whole ordeal, and I don't really feel bad about the contact. When we were talking after the breakup 4 months ago, I would feel terrible after talking to her until I saw her/talked to her again. Ha, I still can't believe that weird coincidence. I mentioned to her that I was going to text her yesterday, and she said "yeah, that is really weird". Whew, still feel great about not breaking NC though. To all others struggling with this: just hold NC until you feel it has run its course. At that point, assuming you don't hate your ex, there is no harm in sending a text. But MAKE SURE you're ready for it.
Goatsbreath Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 what if you contact her and she has a new bf or something
Author IcemanJB Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 what if you contact her and she has a new bf or something No big deal. I don't want her back. Plus she broke NC yesterday right before I was going to...she's definitely single, but I'm sure as hell not pursuing her. I mean it stings a little bit still, but I'm honestly fine and I know I deserve better than what she put me through; whether she knows what she did or not.
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