fral945 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I realize this is a very general question, as most couples will have common goals/wants/needs/interests that can be shared or mutual. It's a 2 part question: 1) What degree of compatibility do you look for? To what degree do you want a partner who wants you for the same or similar reasons? 2) For those who have found successful relationships, what are some compatibility issues that you have found do not hurt (or possibly have helped) your relationship?
2sure Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Before my currently successful marriage...I thought having interests or lifestyles in common were the main thing. But no. It all ends up coming down to Core Values. If you plan on having a family with a partner, your basic family values will come into play every day, with every decision and if you and your partner are not on the exact same page with this....there is going to be a problem. For example: He loves surfing and blasts techno. She is a reader and meditates. No problem here. She thinks spanking and time out are good forms of child dicipline. He believes in only positive reinforcement. BIG, HUGE, ISSUE. OR Both love to travel and make seeing the world a priority. Great! But he thinks the house, as their main investment, comes first. She thinks travelling the world is an investment in life. Not gonna work.
Star Gazer Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 1) What degree of compatibility do you look for? To what degree do you want a partner who wants you for the same or similar reasons? I'm not really sure how to answer the first part of this question other than to say I look for a high degree of compatibility on the core issues. IME, a high degree of compatibility means that the same things I find important, my SO will as well. Thus, I want/need a partner who wants me for the same reasons I want him. 2) For those who have found successful relationships, what are some compatibility issues that you have found do not hurt (or possibly have helped) your relationship? Snoring. And he's a Republican. This actually makes for some lively conversations. We totally disagree on certain points, but understand where the other is coming from. Plus, he makes me laugh (at him)!
Touche Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Number one is pretty much the same answer as SG's. Number two...hmm, interesting. Well I think for us it would be the fact that I'm more outspoken than he is. It's worked in our favor in different ways. He tempers me and I get him to speak up about things he wouldn't normally speak up about. So it's a good balance that way. I can't really think of any other compatibility "issues." Oh yeah, snoring! Oh wait, I just thought of another biggie. He's very neat and pretty much OCD about stuff. I tend to be messy (not dirty though) and don't care that much about clutter. He's relaxed some on his end in that regard and I'm WAY better than I used to be. So we kind of met in the middle there. I'll post more if I think of any others later.
Trialbyfire Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 What degree of compatibility do you look for?A high degree of compatibility. To what degree do you want a partner who wants you for the same or similar reasons?A high degree, since the superficial gets you a superficial relationship, primarily short-term. For those who have found successful relationships, what are some compatibility issues that you have found do not hurt (or possibly have helped) your relationship?Compatibility doesn't always mean exactly the same or similar. For some people, it can mean that if one person is high-strung, the other is laid back.
Meaplus3 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 1) What degree of compatibility do you look for? To what degree do you want a partner who wants you for the same or similar reasons? Well he must have an open heart and open mind much like myself, becuase with an open heart and mind only good things can come IMO. 2) For those who have found successful relationships, what are some compatibility issues that you have found do not hurt (or possibly have helped) your relationship? Helpful: Matching core values Mea:)
gopher Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 For me a huge one is how someone deals with conflict...I spent 18 years in a marriage with someone who screamed at me all the time, so there is no way I would be able to be with a woman with a temper.
Touche Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 For me a huge one is how someone deals with conflict...I spent 18 years in a marriage with someone who screamed at me all the time, so there is no way I would be able to be with a woman with a temper. That IS huge. Temperament is big. I can't say it enough. Yep, I was married to a screamer too. It was horrible.
Meaplus3 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 For me a huge one is how someone deals with conflict...I spent 18 years in a marriage with someone who screamed at me all the time, so there is no way I would be able to be with a woman with a temper. Gosh.. Sounds like just what I went through. I guess I should add that a even temperment is very important. Mea:)
Author fral945 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Before my currently successful marriage...I thought having interests or lifestyles in common were the main thing. But no. It all ends up coming down to Core Values. Do you think core values are represented (or can be judged) by a person's lifestyle and/or interests?
2sure Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Gee, you know I would be inclined to say no. Unless someone has a child already. How they parent their child would say a lot about their core values and if they matched yours. But no, someone's job , home, or income dont necessarily tell you about their values. Education...maybe. Good question. Honestly, for myself - I didnt know what my values and priorities really were until i had my daughter. Then, they became central to my life and since, I have found that your core values are what it's all about.
Star Gazer Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Do you think core values are represented (or can be judged) by a person's lifestyle and/or interests? Depending on the core values you're referring to, absolutely. For example, one of my core values for compatibility purposes is intellectual curiosity. This is easily reflected in someone's interests and lifestyle (international travel, higher education, reading periodicals, etc.).
Author fral945 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Depending on the core values you're referring to, absolutely. For example, one of my core values for compatibility purposes is intellectual curiosity. This is easily reflected in someone's interests and lifestyle (international travel, higher education, reading periodicals, etc.). So how often (or how much) do you make assumptions and/or conclusions about a man's core values based on his lifestyle and interests?
not_a_happy_camper Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Hi 2sure, when you say a person's education can tell you about their core values, what do you mean exactly?
Isolde Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Before my currently successful marriage...I thought having interests or lifestyles in common were the main thing. But no. It all ends up coming down to Core Values. If you plan on having a family with a partner, your basic family values will come into play every day, with every decision and if you and your partner are not on the exact same page with this....there is going to be a problem. This is EXACTLY why my parents are still together after all these years. They have similar core values, they differed in how they spent their time but that didn't matter.
Author fral945 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 This is EXACTLY why my parents are still together after all these years. They have similar core values, they differed in how they spent their time but that didn't matter. I tend to agree with that as my own parents are a bit different as far as lifestyle and interests (they don't really like the same TV shows, music, or movies, have different hobbies, etc.) but still seem to have a happy marriage. They do have similar values and attitudes when it comes to religion, handling money, child rearing, etc. (what I would consider the important, core values). So I'm not sure how much lifestyle and interests really tie into core values. I don't get the impression that most single think this way, though (and maybe people in general, though I could be wrong).
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