Separation, etc. Can a man ever learn to pick the new family over the old?

[laurie1027]

I wanted to thank the folks again who wrote to me in the midst of my separating from my Marine husband of only a few months....what a rough time. But really a time of huge growth- and certainly still growing a ton. I have my ups and downs- trying to just really stay busy with friends, take up new hobbies (starting an apiary class next week- bees, bees, bees

 

It's really interesting to read a lot of the posts- seems like quite a few men who talk about women just "up and leaving" - when really I feel like when our marriage was in a point of crisis- it was my husband who ran - straight into the arms of his manipulative family. A family that at one time seemd to enjoy me and whom I enjoyed- but who I have come to think very differently about.

 

My husband had a DUI that he hid (at great lenghths) from his family- I drove him to work, supported him, etc- while his sister called me to tell ONLY me (not the rest of the family) that she was getting married to the man that the family does not approve of this year. I'm sorry- to me this is not a "supportive, loving family". I had heard stories from my husband before about how controlling and manipulative his mother could be- took his tuition away when he got a pizza job she didn't like in college- ah the stories. (although he says he doesn't remember a lot of it now)

 

Point is- although I was there for these people (obviously especially my husband) when times were tough- NONE of them were there for me when I was beyond sad, confused and hurt at Christmas- and the initial "debate" was started by the other sister. They ALL threw me under the bus- we had our issues- his first long relationship- and my anger got the best of me- and I handled it wrong---but I WAS THERE AFTER the fallout- and he was off skiing in Colorado with that same family.

 

Wouldn't most loving, really supportive families push him towards marriage counseling and BETTERING his marriage, since they all said several times how selfish/immature he could be? The same sister that once told me I needed a lobotomy for marrying someone so clueless- then tried to convince him that I was bipolar (to which the therapists I work with AND the psychiatrist I went to see to prove to him she was 100% wrong)- laughed.

 

Regardless, it was good to see him the other day- and there is certainly still that spark there. Underneath I really love him and miss him- but as he is- is certainly bad for me. I think one of the issues is that he sees change as bad- "people shouldn't have to change when they get married" or "you shouldn't have to change to be in a relationship"-- whereas I think marriage and the people in it are always changing- growing together- learning how to work together better, etc.

 

He was really nice to me the other day- which I guess got me thinking- is there even a sliver of hope that he could ever change? Anyone experienced anything like this with the family? Again....just seeking some perspective and people were so kind here last time

 

Shannon

[2sure]

It is naive of him to think people don't or shouldn't have to change with marriage and family. Life evolves. A person with that kind of mind set is not going to be able to handle the natural changes, the ebbs and flows of life, marriage, etc. They will not move forward and will be resentful. That doesnt make him unlovable, but it does make him stunted and incapable of dealing with crisis. Will he grow up, will he change? Well, change is going to happen and he will be forced to accept it. Will he learn to grow with it...a lot of people dont.

[laurie1027]

Thanks 2sure- I think you have really given me some valuable perspective- I do think this, at least as it is right now, is really bad for me. He actually texts me a bit now- just nice- and I'll be nice and maybe one day he'll do a lot of changing- but with his family being his main support-- I somehow doubt it.

 

And I can't imagine how that would play out with kids involved- I know they do a lot of long term silent treatment/you're dead to me kind of stuff--I think I would end up very resentful, unhappy and trying to undo damage with little ones (that I would hope to have at some point)--

 

Really appreciated (and I guess there's always miracles, right- just that I'm moving on)

 

Shannon

[RecordProducer]

I am very sorry that you're going through a lot of pain now. It will last for a while and then you'll get over. We always do.

BETTERING his marriage, since they all said several times how selfish/immature he could be?

Shannon, there is no such thing as bettering a marriage. Bettering is understood as the other party changing. Are YOU willing to change? Even if you think that he's the devil himself, part of a "better" marriage is to accept your spouse with their flaws, forgive, let go, compromise, not nag, not lose temper...

 

But most of us don't want to put up with crap, not even 1% of the time. We forgive ourselves very easily, but not others. Look at your post: it's all about how terrible they are, how great you are and your mistake was mentioned in half a sentence

my anger got the best of me- and I handled it wrong---but

 

I am not saying that anything is your fault or only your fault. I am just telling you that you too defend your own side and expect from HIS family to be unconditionally on your side. You could be the best person in the world - if you're not willing to forgive and compromise, you can't live peacefully around other people. Your husband definitely sounds like that type of person. It's easier for him to run away than to deal with his problems. If you were angry at him a lot and expressed the anger, that might be the reason why he left.

 

His family is irrelevant. They can't make him leave or stop loving you.

Good luck. You'll get over and be loved again.

[theROICoach]

I'm so glad you're taking every obstacle and looking for the opportunitis in it. It is absolutely possible to love someone and let them go if the person is not who you desire to have in your life and, when I say that, I mean this:

 

When someone shows you who they are, believe them! They are not going to change unless they want to and, if your love is unconditional, they shouldn't have to change in order to make you happy. I think Don Miguel Ruiz says it best in "The Four Agreements":

 

"We don't need to justify love; it is there or not there. Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them. If we try to change them, this means we don't really like them. Of course, if you decide to live with someone, if you make that agreement, it is always better to make that agreement with someone who is exactly the way you want him or her to be. Find someone whom you don't have to change at all. it is much easier to find someone who is already the way you want him or her to be, instead of trying to change that person. Also, that person must love you just the way you are, so he or she doesn't have to change you at all. If others feel they have to change you, that means they really don't love you just the way you are. so why be with someone if you're not the way he or she wants you to be? We have to be what we are, so we don't have to present a false image. If you love me the way I am, "Okay, take me." If you don't love me the way I am, "Okay, bye-bye. Find someone else." It may sound harsh, but this kind of communication means the personal agreements we make with others are clear and impeccable."

[Trimmer]

His family is irrelevant. They can't make him leave or stop loving you.

Disagree. His family is exactly as relevant as he allows them to be; that is a characteristic of his personality, and you will probably not be able to do anything to change that about him.

[laurie1027]

Thanks you guys for the posts. I think maybe my letter expressed my current views on everything- but I ABSOLUTELY think I made a lot of mistakes here....number 1 really not dealing with the problems between us when they were smaller--communication, his inability to express emotion (which he readily admits). That was dumb and neglectful of something that was so important to me.

 

I don't at all think I am an angel, but I guess I see the big difference between me and his family /him as I really try not to be mean in life- I let anger get me and can be over emotional- but I'm not purposefully, downright mean and I could never shut someone off that I really loved (which his family has done to each other on various occasions).

 

And its' not that I wanted to change him or me- I think we were very much in love and could have potentially been fabulous together--I wanted to change how we were as married folks- to learn to communicate better, give more, good habits, etc. I think that both of us had a lot of learning to do- but I've always heard the first couple years of marriage can be a good deal of work- but so worth it. But he gave up on me before we ever got there and I really feel like his family pushed him (and he followed)- and that's the part that really stinks.

 

But I guess he was really never committed in the first place then. I did want to change- I was actively changing already (and have- how I deal with anger, etc)--but I think he never really saw a need for changing some of his behaviors in our short lived marriage or didn't have the spark to try.

 

I don't by any means think I am perfect or a perfect partner- but I did want to learn to do it better- and I just really don't understand how or why his family did what they did. All he says now is "that it wasn't meant to be" and that "we would have never been happy"- which to me is just an excuse for not working and lets him not deal with his family. It really has just all sucked.

 

Thanks you guys

[laurie1027]

I fogot is that I wasn't angry at him a lot and we didn't fight a ton- but the fights that we did have were ugly. I think for the most part we were very loving, always told him how happy I was to have found him, we would both cook dinner for each other, etc....he HATES his job right now and just bought the house that I think is costing a lot more than he expected--but because he really doesn't deal with anything- I never knew what he was feeling, etc.

 

I wonder if one day he will think differently?

 

Okay hope you all have a good Monday-

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

My wife and I were having a conversation about our son and his classmate (both 9 yrs of age) yesterday... The conversation was specifically about the other son's Mom not willing to take down info about his project for him. I told my wife it reminded me of her. My wife responded immediately, and very specifically "I cut the cord the day he was born!"

 

So then somehow the conversation turned to me... My wife says, "unlike your Mom, she had to wait till you were about 30, and then you had to cut the cord!" We've been married since I was 23! Women - try and figure them out!

 

I think it's just a fact that many Mom's have close relationships with their sons... One of the things a good Mom will teach her son is how to respect and care for his wife; it is very hard to tell your own child to love, respect and care for a strange woman more than to care for you (the woman who gave him birth), but it is true and needed.

 

There is always a place for both relationships, but never a place for the two relationships to compete against one another for his love, time and attention.

[laurie1027]

I definitely agree that there is place for both women in a guys life-and I was truthfully very excited about my "new family"- we got along great in the beginning. I guess it just really hurt and upset me that they dismissed me so readily when we had problems- and they know this is his first long-term relationship and that he CAN be selfish and immature (and I surely come with my flaws!)

 

I just don't get how smart people can think or act like when 2 caring, loving people come together (they knew how much I ADORED him)- it could ever be only ONE persons fault when in a crisis. I accepted responsibility and wanted to change and they just pinned everything on me- she hung up on me. A 60 year old woman. Come on.

 

That's not cutting the proverbial cord in my opinion I do think it's important when you are beginning a family that your partner knows you would always be there, by his/her side and never run to your old family- but stick it out. And certainly never allow them to badmouth your partner. I wouldn't do it and I wouldn't take it from a friend, nevermind my "partner in life".