PerfectLee Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Hi everyone, I just got married a month ago & everything is going really good and we're so happy! It was exceptionally special because it was a gay wedding and over 100 guests showed to support us. Our minister was awesome, it was a first for the wedding venue, and a first for both our families. My wife has been friends with a girl for over 4 years, and I met her about 3 years ago. The basis of their friendship is partying, drinking etc... When it comes to her having a friend for serious talk, this girl isn't it. I've partied with her too, and she's always been a big supporter of our relationship. She's married with kids, stay-at-home mom and about 30 years old. But regardless, a big mistake on our part, we asked her to be our MOH. (My wife had her own set of groomsmen & I had bridesmaids) I figured in knowing that she'd be my MOH she'd know how to act and not take our wedding day as an opportunity to treat the venue like another bar she frequents every week, or treat our guests like bar-buds. She has done many things for us from planning the bridal shower, bachelorette party etc... We let her know we appreciated her during those events and thanked her openly in front of guests & family. After we returned from our honeymoon, we heard from our trusted friend/bridesmaid that my MOH was going around saying that we were "biitches" and that I was a selfish "biitch". We also heard from my other good friend that on the wedding day my MOH full-on kissed my friends' 73 year-old father on the lips in front of his wife and she also tried to "hook-up" with my friends husband, not knowing it was her husband, but my MOH has a husband. We were shocked to say the least, and she was drunk to say the least. We just received our wedding video and kept seeing our MOH at the bar, and we remember having to constantly look for her on our wedding day for pictures etc... and now we know why! After speaking to my other bridesmaids, we found that they had paid evenly for many of the events while our MOH had told us that she had paid for EVERYTHING and the bridesmaids never pitched in! Why lie? We don't know. A few weeks ago my wife received a text from her wondering why we haven't spoken to her (we had just heard all this) and she kindly responded with "We need to talk, can I come over tomorrow afternoon?" My MOH flipped!!! She text her non-stop, emailed ME demanding an explanation because I wouldn't text her back. (my wife told me she'd handle it & I should stay out of it) It was a nasty, very undeserving email she sent me and I didn't even say anything to her. She accused me of somehow convincing my wife to STOP being friends with her and called me a child just because I won't answer her text messages. Since then, my wife sent her a text saying "When you calm down and want to talk, let me know" and finally the other day, my MOH says "OK lets talk" Since we found out all this info, on top of other situations that happened that's too long to explain in this thread, we both came to the conclusion that it was a bad decision to ask her, and we both no longer want to be friends with her based on her trashy behavior. (before, during & after the wedding) My wife has explained to me the things she's going to say, how she's NOT looking for an apology but rather a "this is what you did and we're offended and that's it, I can't continue this friendship any longer" I was admittedly happy to hear this because my MOH caused me much grief before the wedding that I realize now...I didn't need. Plus, their "friendship" is solely based on drinking & partying, I'm not against people who do this-don't get me wrong, but my wife doesn't need someone in her life like this. It's not me trying to be controlling over who she can be friends with, I just prefer it to be so. We have friends (separate & mutual) that we party with sometimes, but my MOH is something different. There's always "drama" lets just say. (ie: Our Wedding Day!) Now my wife is having a change of heart and wanting all this to just be swept under the rug. She figured that since it was our mistake to ask her, and although we talked to her about our expectations, ultimately my MOH was acting "herself" and we can't blame her for it. Yeah she lied, but that's what she does. Yeah she made out with my friends' father, but who doesn't right??? Why am I SOOOO upset and she's NOT anymore? How do I support this friendship and support my wife at the same time? This is our first "marital" dilemna, so any advice would help! Thanks!
Chat Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Congratulations on the wedding Now to the nasties - read what you wrote and you will realise how 'high school' the situation is. Yeah maybe not a good idea to have her as the MOH - but hindsight is just that - and yeah maybe she told a fib to make herself look better than she is - she clearly has self esteem issues - dont hate her pity her (it p*sses them off more too) and maybe she made out with your mates dad - lucky old coot how many guys his age get passhed by a 30 year old? But I degress - point is - it sounds like there is a whole lot of heresay and b*tching going on - so wait till it comes from the horses mouth... As for your wife wanting to sweep it under the rug - express how your feeling - ask her to atleast talk to MOH regarding these indiscresions - and see what she says - IF your wife chooses to be friends with her still then make clear boundaries about your interactions with MOH - you cant choose your wife's friends but you can limit YOUR exposure to said friend... ..most importantly - communicate - relax and dont get caught up in the BS.
2sure Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 You know that in the not so far future you will tell this as a funny wedding day story right? I know it isnt actually "funny" but every wedding has one character like this. Typical psycho MOH behavior, often can be typical of any member of the wedding party. Often Brides are not themselves. Weddings can bring out the worst as well as the best behavior. That being said, your MOH acted no different than she usually does: inappropriately. You expected more, and didnt get it. No surprise. Nothing said is going to change what happened, or her behavior, or even get an apology. Your wife may choose to avoid the conflict of the conversation and simply choose to see this person less until she is nothing but a memory and wedding story. Fine.
Author PerfectLee Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Chat-Yeah I read it 3 times before posting it and thought to myself how high school it is, but was upset because it happened on our wedding day. We are doing exactly what you suggested, she's going to talk to her and see what happens and I've expressed how I don't want this swept under the rug and certain things need to be said to her with no apology expected in return. 2sure-Thanks! Looking back, I wasn't myself much either. I didn't have the cold feet or nervousness most brides have, but I was much more tolerant, patient, and went with the flow of everything. On a normal basis, I worry a lot, I'm skeptical, but I have a very calm demeanor. Our MOH was acting "herself" but we were hoping for her to "change" for just that one day and it didn't happen. I guess I should've thought harder and not been so hasty. (I asked 2 other close friends prior to her and they declined based on personal difficulties & I understood their reasons) I really hope the last thing you said is true for us, I think my wife has really seen this girls true colors and is personally disgusted by them. If she hung out with her less often than before I'd be ok with that.
Chat Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Let us know how it all goes if you want - (Chat being French for cat - curiosity ) Be strong - and communicate - consider this your baptism into marriage
Athena Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Perfectlee, let your wife handle her friend the way she wants to, and THEN you can meet up with MOH and say what you wish to say to her.... since she was also your MOH, and it is your marriage, and your wedding, and your mutual friends, it is certainly your business too. If MOH wishes to punish you by trying to ignore you because you didn't respond to her text messages, tell her that your wife wanted to handle the situation first and asked you not to contact MOH just then... I understand your desire to rather cut MOH out of your life, but since she is your wife's friend primarily, you need to let your wife handle that call. In the meantime, whether your wife says the things that you wish her to say, or not, at least you can give yourself an opportunity to do just that in a follow-up conversation with MOH.
Recommended Posts