On the "low" of the LDR rollercoaster

[Ashbash11]

I posted a while ago about how being in a LDR is often like a rollercoaster, because of all the "highs" and "lows."

 

I am definitely at one of the "low" points right now... I guess I'm just looking for some support. I've been in this LDR for about 5 months now.. It hasn't been easy, to say the least. The distance is 3,000 miles, so we see each other about once a month-once every couple of months. It's actually a lot, considering the distance we are apart.

 

Lately, I've been missing him like crazy.. I can't stop thinking about how much I miss him. All day, all night. I have dreams about him every night. It's not usually this bad. I don't know why these past couple of weeks have been worse than usual. I guess it doesn't help that he wouldn't call until I finally said something, and now he's better at initiating communication. I have spring break coming up (March 13) and I REALLY want to visit him. However, when I mentioned visiting, his response was: "we'll see". You can imagine how crushed I felt when he said this.

 

When I talked to him about it more, he told me that he's not sure about his work schedule yet, so I will have to wait to buy plane tickets... It's now 2 1/2 weeks away, and he claims he still "doesn't know" his schedule yet. I am not sure if this is true, or if he doesn't want me to visit. (We saw each other Feb. 2-9th). Should I ask him outright if he doesn't want me to visit? I don't want to seem crazy... I've just been missing him SO much and all I can think about is visiting him. For some reason, I don't think he feels the same way. I know he loves me, and we have a good relationship, but I feel like I miss him more and I am more anxious to see him than he is me.... I am not sure what to do. I don't want to force myself on him if he doesn't want me to visit, but it breaks my heart to think that I won't see him until JUNE if I don't visit in a couple of weeks.

 

I'm just frustrated and sad.

[Rollercoasterr]

Honey I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

 

I would definitely ask him if he doesn't want to see you or what the deal is with that. Don't be accusing or anything, just ask him politely if there's anything wrong with you wanting to come see him, and if there is, what that particular reason might be.

 

I know that at my work we always have 3 weeks of schedule out. And it has to be out a week in advance. So really there's a month there. I know probably not all work places are like this, but then again, I work in the cell phone industry so everyone wants to bid on the best schedules. Silly, I know.

 

I wouldn't get too upset over anything just yet. Just relax, breathe, and have a calm talk with him. And of course, tell him that you need to know something soon because it IS getting kind of close.

[Island Girl]

Here's my perspective.

 

If I am putting myself out there and putting aspects of my life on hold for this relationship then I better be getting my basic needs met.

 

To me, situations like this are an opportunity to get a conversation going that explores where both people are in the relationship.

If I am at a different level than he is, I want to know that, because it makes a huge difference whether I will continue to sacrifice for the relationship.

 

LDRs are so hard in the first place. I could very easily find a relationship here that fulfills certain things. It is a trade off so to speak and that trade off HAS to be equitable or I wouldn't continue with it.

 

He has to be at the same interest level. And if he is telling me he loves me, then that carries with it an expected level of care and support where I am concerned.

My feelings of longing and love should be of utmost importance to him as his are to me.

If they aren't I would want to know that so I could then make a decision about what is best for me.

 

If I am making sure he knows I am faithful, that I love him, and that I am making these sacrifices for him - then he should have no problem at all making those same sacrifices for me.

If not then we have a problem that is best addressed ASAP.

 

Also, if I am so invested, and he tells me he is as well, then no subject should be danced around. There should be no fear of discussion.

The only thing we have in an LDR is some sort of "spoken" communication. We don't have the luxury of gestures or any non-verbal communication that are interpreted.

A "RL" couple can reach out and squeeze a hand that conveys "I love you" or "I am sorry", etc. We do not have that 'luxury'.

 

As with anything that is a double edged sword. It hurts to not be able to do those things BUT we can use that to our advantage and get to know each other to an extremely deep level that I don't believe happens too often in "RL".

 

You can do something extraordinary for yourself right now. In the end it will be benficial for you no matter what.

But it takes courage to be as vulnerable as you need to be to just be honest with how you are feeling.

You believe that he loves you. His reaction to how you are feeling should be compassionate. He should know how you feel because to a certain extent he should be feeling the same way.

If he loves you as you love him then it would also impact him greatly to have to wait to see you.

 

If all is as you believe it is then you will get the reassurances you need right now.

 

If it isn't it is best you know now so you can decide what is best for you as to continuing the relationship and, if so, how that is going to happen.

 

I think all of that is going to sound really selfish.

 

But the way I think of any romantic relationship is:

 

I think about him and what he needs from me

He thinks about me and what I need from him

That includes listening and making adjustments if needs change.

If that is what is happening then everyone is taken care of.

 

If that isn't happening then that tells me there is a big problem. If my needs are neglected or not addressed then I would be better off spending all that energy that I use caring about him to take care of me.

 

 

Sorry I wrote another "BOOK". sheesh I am long winded.

[Ashbash11]

Islandgirl, thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed reply to my post. You wrote quite a lot in there! Let me get this straight: You are saying that I should take this opportunity to have a conversation with my BF about our relationship, and where we stand? I was definitely planning on doing this soon.. But I wasn't sure if that's what you were saying. I am still trying to make sense of your post.

[Island Girl]

Islandgirl, thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed reply to my post. You wrote quite a lot in there! Let me get this straight: You are saying that I should take this opportunity to have a conversation with my BF about our relationship, and where we stand? I was definitely planning on doing this soon.. But I wasn't sure if that's what you were saying. I am still trying to make sense of your post.

 

OMG so it is totally incoherent?!!

 

I was concerned about that.

 

Yes. It should be easy to talk to someone who loves you (who should have your best interests at heart in all ways - always) about feelings that that person can certainly help with.

 

Words do not cost anything. They should be given freely.

 

If you are feeling lost and insecure, like he doesn't want you (whether that is in person or just in general) then it should be discussed, right?

He loves you so it should be really important to him that you not feel angst and insecurity as you are right now.

 

It is an opportunity for your intimacy to grow.

 

Or it is an opportunity for you to find out if you are feeling deeper emotion than he is, if you have a different concept at this point of love, etc.

If this is true then you should know that sooner rather than later don't you think?

 

"I have been thinking about it and if we don't see each other over Spring Break, it seems there will be many more months until we do see each other. It doesn't look like it'd happen until June. How do you feel about that?"

Something like that anyway - And then you talk about it.

 

If he gives you lame answers like, "yeah I'm okay with that" etc. Then it leads into a possible conversation about where each of you are as far as feelings go.

 

He may be the type that isn't swept away by emotion. A lot of guys aren't. He may be more logical about it and that may differ from you.

So with that kind of understanding can come more of an effort to take care of what you need from him for less "insanity" o your side.

You would also have a better understanding of his nature and be more accepting of what he says at face value instead of thinking there is any false emotion behind the words.

 

If you have difficulty getting on the same page then it speaks to a problem in the relationship that is best addressed now; not later.

But before you know if this is true or not you don't even need to go there.

 

All you are doing is having a conversation.

A conversation where you must not dance around your true feelings - but it really is only a conversation.

[cresentcrow44]

OMG so it is totally incoherent?!!

 

I was concerned about that.

 

Yes. It should be easy to talk to someone who loves you (who should have your best interests at heart in all ways - always) about feelings that that person can certainly help with.

 

Words do not cost anything. They should be given freely.

 

If you are feeling lost and insecure, like he doesn't want you (whether that is in person or just in general) then it should be discussed, right?

He loves you so it should be really important to him that you not feel angst and insecurity as you are right now.

 

It is an opportunity for your intimacy to grow.

 

Or it is an opportunity for you to find out if you are feeling deeper emotion than he is, if you have a different concept at this point of love, etc.

If this is true then you should know that sooner rather than later don't you think?

 

"I have been thinking about it and if we don't see each other over Spring Break, it seems there will be many more months until we do see each other. It doesn't look like it'd happen until June. How do you feel about that?"

Something like that anyway - And then you talk about it.

 

If he gives you lame answers like, "yeah I'm okay with that" etc. Then it leads into a possible conversation about where each of you are as far as feelings go.

 

He may be the type that isn't swept away by emotion. A lot of guys aren't. He may be more logical about it and that may differ from you.

So with that kind of understanding can come more of an effort to take care of what you need from him for less "insanity" o your side.

You would also have a better understanding of his nature and be more accepting of what he says at face value instead of thinking there is any false emotion behind the words.

 

If you have difficulty getting on the same page then it speaks to a problem in the relationship that is best addressed now; not later.

But before you know if this is true or not you don't even need to go there.

 

All you are doing is having a conversation.

A conversation where you must not dance around your true feelings - but it really is only a conversation.

 

 

WOW....you are so together in this relationship stuff. I feel completely ashamed that I posted a "How do I fix this?" thread. Here I am wining about not getting to see my guy for another two months. I cant imagine what you must be going through. But I think your right, better to have a conversation now, rather than later. Better to know where he stands.

[LikeCharlotte]

Hi Ash-

I just want to add that sometimes busy and unsure mean just that. Try to believe your BF when he says that he doesn't know yet. One of the most important things right now is TRUST. Distance can make insecurities overwhelming at times. Be sure that you are being realistic when you doubt his sincerity.

 

Ask him if anything is wrong. Let it go if he says no and attempt to make a plan with him that will work for both of you. If it isn't going to work out that you visit for spring break you can be disappointed - (I'd be a mess) but try not to blame him. Sometimes you have to understand that work can get in the way of things you would rather be doing... you know, like ALL THE TIME.

[Island Girl]

I think all of that is going to sound really selfish.

 

I think I should add to this line from my post #1 to clarify.

 

I think the way I put things may sound selfish. But at the very core of everything you do or commit to is you. So you have to take care that you are putting that enormous amount of faith in the right place.

 

That should always be a given.

 

WOW....you are so together in this relationship stuff. I feel completely ashamed that I posted a "How do I fix this?" thread. Here I am wining about not getting to see my guy for another two months. I cant imagine what you must be going through. But I think your right, better to have a conversation now, rather than later. Better to know where he stands.

 

Thanks you. That was really nice.

 

I am going to go look at your thread and if I have any perspective about what you are going through I'll post to you there ----- so no thread-jack.

[Ashbash11]

LikeCharlotte-

Definitely, I agree. I trust my boyfriend, for sure. It's just.. in this case, I have this gut feeling that he doesn't want me to visit. I don't know why, I just do...I can't ignore it. I feel like, if he really wanted me there, he'd be more proactive about asking his boss about his schedule (he doesn't know the times that he will have to work). He's been vague all along (for about a month now) about this visit.

 

It just kills me to think that he doesn't want to see me as much as I want to see him. I could be reading too much into this, but I can't shake the feeling that he doesn't want me there, for some reason. Ah well. it's time for a talk, like you guys said.

[JaydaLeah]

certainly a time to talk, ash. I can completely comprehend u. The last time i saw my bf was almost 2 mths ago and indeed, it gets tough. Talking things out doesnt mean having to make things ugly or what not. Like what islandgirl said, words are free. (but can kill too so use with digression.. hehe). I usually try to curb my insecurities. But when it gets to a pt when its making me nuts and effecting my communication with my bf, i tell him. And its better he knows what has been going through my head than to act all weird and he wonders why am i being so? Guys can get thick in the head, so they need girls to clear the air sometimes. I hope things work out fine for u!

[JaydaLeah]

gawd, did i just say digression?? no, i meant discretion. Ooops.

[Ashbash11]

Well guys, my gut instinct was right. I just got an email from my BF this morning, telling me that his work schedule will not permit a visit. My spring break starts on March 13, and he doesn't have off until March 18th, so I would only see him for 4 days, after flying 3,000 miles. So, to say that I am crushed is an understatement. I can't blame him, because it's a schedule issue, and work comes first, but... I'm still really upset over it. I think the next time I will see him is in June, but even that isn't for sure. This long distance relationship stuff is REALLY hard... It's starting to take its toll on me, for sure. I might need a break for a while.. Anyone ever taken a break (few weeks) to have time to themselves??????

[Island Girl]

I have been through forced breaks before. We are kindof in one now.

 

When the phone lines have just been too screwed up to really talk - only getting through every couple of days and then the whole conversation is either him not hearing me or me not hearing him "what? honey? I can't hear you? what?" UGH!

 

Too frustrating on top of all of the difficulties already.

 

Now it is a matter of money - because direct dial is $1.71 a minute - and even $.32 a minute on Skype is adding up too quickly.

 

Both of us know we're together and that we will be be seeing each other soon enough (his interview will be in March so he could be here as early as April - as lat as August).

 

So we are just dealing with life right now and not trying to push our already tested limits.

There is a stress due to not communicating as often.

But it is less than when we end up venting our stress and frustration to each other at this point.

Both of us have just reached our breaking point and we will not allow that to happen.

 

Hope that makes sense to you. I know it will not to anyone not in an LDR and perhaps not make sense to some of those in an LDR as well.

[gracielou]

Hey Ashbash,

 

I am also doing a 3000mile LDR. My bf and i started our LDR in july, and actually went the first 3-4months with out seeing each other. It was hard, it was really hard for me. I was a mess and starting to pick fights or just randomly start crying while talking to him on skype, and when i did see him it was just for the weekend. He flew from Boston to Orange county for a weekend trip. Since then we have both made 48 hour trips to see each other, and i flew home for christmas so we got to see eachother for a week. Since ive been back to cali, we have had the luxury of seeing each other once a month, most of those have been weekend trips. Its so worth it tho.

 

The trip across the country just to see my boyfriend is totally worth it, i think it has made us appreciate the time we have so much more because we are together for so little time. This coming sat hes flying out because its his spring break, which im excited to see him, but he is well aware that I am a busy grad student and im out the door at 740am and not home till 6 or 7pm. I feel bad that hes going to have to fend for himself most of the day. However, i am going to try to get home as soon as I can, but there are days that its just not possible due to a night class and teaching.

 

I will fly out to boston for a grand total of 4 full days at the end of march and i know he will have to study since he will have at least 1 midterm while i am there, and have classes. Which doesn't matter because i'll see him and spend time with him, but i know he will need time to study so i have contacted old roomates and other friends from college that are still in the area to get together with them (which is most of my friends since we just graduated in may).

 

i guess my point is that even though your trip is only 4 days, isn't 4 days better than not seeing him at all? especially since the next time you will probably see him is june.

 

out of curiosity do you guys have an end date to the LDR? and have u a "scheduled" talk time every nite on skype or via phone? or have u tried to do any "date" nights via skype? its not the same but it definately helps.

[moman]

I don't see why you wouldn't go for four days?

 

From my home it's about 4500 miles to London, but I could leave here right now and be there in the morning, and leave there in four days and return to my home that same afternoon. It's different if going from east to west, but the point is that where there is a will there is a way.

 

In my LDR, I told my girl to hold off once on a scheduled trip because of work. At two weeks out and I still didn't know, I told her to plan the trip, but if I happened to be on call, I would pay for the change fee for her.

 

There is more to this than meets the eye from his side. Find out what it is.

[Ashbash11]

Gracielou- Your situation sounds almost exactly like mine! We are also Boston-Orange County, CA! How funny. At least you understand what it's like.... People I know don't seem to. Most of them are doing much shorter distance.. like an hour's drive.

 

The truth is, I'd love to visit him for 4 days, but I can't afford it! I am a full-time graduate student with a part-time job that hardly pays anything.. I can't afford the flight, especially since I've already been there twice to see him and spent over $1,500....

 

I am not sure that there is more to this than what's been said. I take what he said at face value: He has to work until the middle of my spring break, simple as that. The hard part for me is accepting this. I've been marking my calendar every day that goes by and counting the days until I can see him again. I've decided to grant myself a "mental break," which basically means, I am still in the relationship (of course) but I am allowing myself to relax and enjoy my life here, and STOP obsessing about him and missing him and thinking about his schedule and why he didn't call, or what he's up to.

 

I am freeing my mind, basically. I told him I need a little space.. I think I've gotten too caught up in the intensity of the LDR and that's why I was SOO disappointed that we couldn't see each other in March. I need to get my life back. It starts today!

[gracielou]

I know what you mean about it being expensive and being a poor grad student! however from John Wayne airport to boston tix have dropped in price drastically under $300! oh and idk if you have tried kayak.com to look for tickets but i use it all the time and they generally find great deals!

 

Having your own life in a LDR is a must. you get this time to work on what your doing so if thats immersing yourself in your work for grad school, or going out with friends. A few of my friends do dinner nights where we all make dinner for each other once a night. Also I found this forum to be helpful as well as talking to my other grad friends at UCI who are also going through a LDR. Its another support system. Make sure your busy, the more busy you are the less time you have to think about missing your boyfriend, even though you do, your mind will be distracted. I find i miss my boyfriend the most when im hanging out in my apartment alone not really doing anything, especially on the weekends. Those are really hard for me, since i last year i lived at his apartment on the weekends.

 

Heres a little suggest tho it would depend on how you and ur boyfriends schedules coordinate, but my boyfriend and I skype every nite 8pm cali time and so its 11pm boston time. But it is guaranteed time that we set aside specifically for each other every day. We talk about our day and anyother random topic we sometimes end up on. If you both have the luxury of doing that then i suggest trying that. That way you don't have to sit around and wonder why he won't call.

 

I also asked my BF to fill out a google calender so i wouldn't text him while he was in class. My boyfriend and I use technology to our advantage, we text and IM each other most of the day, either just to say i love you or to see what the other person is up to, or share some fun fact or just to say hi

[tresz08]

what a sad story my dear..

for me it is true that having a long distance relationship is difficult.a lot of things that both of you should be aware and ready.sometimes being in a LDR is much more painful regarding when the two of you doesn't see each other everyday...in your case you are the one who makes an effort but still your bf doesn't want to be with you..you should ask him frankly about that situation..

[Ashbash11]

Gracielou-

I definitely agree that it is important to have your own life when you are in a LDR... In my case, it's a bit trickier, because my boyfriend and I lived in Boston together for 8 months, and then he moved away.... FAR away. I find myself hanging out with his old friends a lot, and they always talk about him/ask how he's doing, etc... I'm constantly reminded of him, and therefore I constantly miss him. It's a tough situation for me to be in.

 

You gave good advice regarding coordinating schedules to talk on Skype.. However in our case, it's not that simple. He works nights, so he sleeps during the day. We only have a window of about 1-2 hours that we can talk... He has no cell phone service where he works, so Skype is our only option. Add that to the 3,000 mile distance, and it's hard for me not to go insane. It's only been 5 months, and hopefully we can continue this. I have 1 more year of grad school, and then I hope to be able to move out to CA, but we'll see....

 

The long distance thing definitely takes an emotional toll on me. I feel like it doesn't affect him QUITE as much, because he's in a new place with new people, but I am the one left behind, with all of the reminders of the "good old days" so to speak.