carhill Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 OP, here's a great thing I learned in MC, and perhaps I can apply it to your H. He has issues with how things are going right now. He feels he can't devote enough time to school and is overwhelmed. He has to own that perspective and take responsibility for it. The solutions for him must come from within him. You can be a support and challenge him on the way, but IMO no progress will be made unless he's in the driver's seat of his own life. Anything else will just drive a wedge into your M. He's in charge of his class schedule. He's in charge of choosing how to load his work, school and family life. He's responsible for himself. His poor choices (if they don't work out for him) aren't your responsibility. They're his. Own the choice. Cut back in another area (or add income) and pay for child care (not you, him, since he says the children are impacting his ability to study). One day a week, two days a week, whatever. Sitting around moaning about things is going to buy him an empty house and no worries about child care. Communicate that to him
Enema Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Just to clarify something. You're still having sex 1-2 times a week, but that's not enough for you?
Chat Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 As for the weekend - maybe not doing anything will be nice - let him study a while - cook some nice food - spend the evenings together just lazing about with a DVD - if he is mentally exhausted maybe just peace & quiet will help Good luck honey
Author Jennifer26 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 Just to clarify something. You're still having sex 1-2 times a week, but that's not enough for you? No. I'd love to have sex daily, but I realize this isn't going to happen. But it irritates me that I do enjoy sex, consider myself good at it, and have a husband who would rather masturbate more times in a week than he has sex with me. If it was a medical condition, or some other reason I'd be more understanding. But the truth is he was just being lazy, and feeding into his porn habit. Also, the 1-2x a week was after I would bring up over and over again that the porn was interfering with our sex life. There were times when I'd drop it and we'd have sex once a MONTH. Lately, we've been having sex about 2-3x a week, which I am happier about.
LovieDove24 Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Jennifer, Let me tell you something to maybe help you in the sympathy department for your husband. I am a single mom and got laid off from my job about a month ago. Because of this, I cannot afford to send my daughter to daycare and end up spending 15 hours a day with her 7 days a week. Its intense. Its so bone-drainingly exhausting both mentally and physically that I wish for five minutes someone would just entertain me. I CRAVE entertainment. I CRAVE adult interaction. I even CRAVE my single life sometimes because it seems as if nothing is for me anymore. I know you say you do take care of the kids at night but the four hour shift is a lot less intense than the 9 hour one 5 days a week...and I speak from experience because I've been in both positions. I really believe what this boils down to is your hubby is craving one of two things or both: time alone or time with you. Its as simple as that. Sometimes it just feels good to not have responsiblity. I know he brought this on himself so I'm not saying its up to you to fix it, its not. The best you can do is offer him time alone (not studying time) and set up dates like you're already doing. I just wanted to give you a fresh perspective on things.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 As for the school library, he could not go unless he brought the children with him. Most colleges and universities, in recognition of the fact that many students are parents, have day care on either a full time or drop-in basis. Wouldn't that get him a few hours of quiet study time? BTW - I fully agree with Carhill that penalizing you for the consequences of his choices is childish. I can't help but wonder how he'd react were you to mope and sulk about the challenges you chose to take on? Happiness is a choice, often dependent on accentuating the positive in our lives. Two great kids, a wife that's willing to support him and wants his body? What's not to like ? Mr. Lucky
Author Jennifer26 Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 I apologize for bumping an old thread, but I didn't want to start a brand new thread since this is more of an update. Since making this thread a couple of months back things have only grown worse. Today I couldn't pick up our oldest son from school, so my husband had to do it and disrupt his studying. I felt terrible about it, but there was literally nothing I could do being stuck on the other side of town. When I came home, he pulled out the syllabus for each of his classes and showed me how far behind he is in each one. He said he just can't seem to make this work. Our youngest (one year old) has become almost impossible. He cries all of the time. We thought maybe something was wrong, perhaps an ear infection - but there is nothing medically wrong with him. He's barely happy even if you devote 100% of your time to trying to entertain him. He has temper tantrums many, many times throughout the day. I am growing quite concerned to be honest, already having one child who is autistic. When I have the children in the evenings I find it very difficult to cook dinner, or swap a load of laundry. The baby will shriek and scream if you leave his presence for even a minute. This is by far the biggest reason my husband is having so much difficulty keeping up with schoolwork. I don't doubt for one minute how difficult he says it is, because I experience it too and I am not doing tasks that require a lot of mental focus. This all said, my husband said to me that he doesn't see how he can keep going. He feels like he should quit school. I didn't respond to him. I'm not sure what to say, or what can be done. Part of me thinks it would be great. We could put our son in daycare, we'd have more time as a family, less stress. But deep down I know how utterly disappointing it would be for my husband. He's worked hard for years, and to just give it up now - - I don't think he would ever be happy. Infact, I think he'd resent us. I feel maybe it would be best for him to keep going to school, and for us to split up. I could afford both children, and daycare if I moved into a smaller place and didn't pay for my husbands car pmt, insurance, etc. He could work and go to school and wouldn't have the family obligations. I know if I suggested what I just typed he would flip out on me. But I am so at a loss. The stress level in my house is hurting all of us. None of us are happy.
Juristhea Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 When young married people act like this, they may have started to look at other's lives which could've been theirs if they never got married young. Maybe your husband's just depressed with how he's life is progressing and how he's not enjoying some of his "youth" now.
carhill Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Suggest it. Perhaps that empty house scenario I alluded to upthread will be his wake-up call. Marriages are a team effort. If you're not a team, you really shouldn't be married. Sorry.
Juristhea Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Suggest it. Perhaps that empty house scenario I alluded to upthread will be his wake-up call. Marriages are a team effort. If you're not a team, you really shouldn't be married. Sorry. Yup! I definitely agree with you. Every relationship needs the two people involved to help keep the relationship strong.
michelangelo Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I don't buy his sulkiness at all. People go to college and juggle young family responsibilities all the time. It can be done. If he wants to quit? So let him! His failure is his alone. He is using you and your kid as an excuse for his lack of productivity. Don't shoulder that burden at all. If he can't hack school, then quit and do something else. Or take less classes and get a job too. He sounds pretty whiney to me. If he can't participate in the family (like picking up a kid when he is "studying") then too bad for him. I'm sorry, I have no empathy for his plight at all. A man's gotta step up when steppin up is needed.
Author Jennifer26 Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Many years ago my husband worked full time, went to school part time in the evenings and then spent almost 100% of his freetime to do homework. I have to admit, this arrangement did not work. We never spent anytime together, alone or otherwise. We grew apart, we both started doing things outside of the marriage (for him porn, an emotional affair, contacting an ex) for myself it was seeking male attention online. We both agreed the arrangement was disastrous for our marriage, and it's a big part of why he stopped working altogether so that he could focus only on school and be able to do homework during the day while I was at work, so that we could have weekends to spend time together. Going back to the way it was is just not an option. I'd rather just file for divorce now and save myself from going back down that road. Even now things are hardly close to ideal. I don't see him at all Monday-Thursday. Friday he comes home about 6:30PM and we're able to spend a few hours together. Saturday is usually the day we do something as a family, or are able to go on a 'date' which happens maybe once a month. Sunday is usually back to homework for him for things due on Monday. I wish there was someway to put both kids in daycare. But with my income alone supporting the household there is just no way. Unless we filed bankruptcy and foreclosed on our house and rented somewhere less expensive. But the thought of doing that makes my stomach churn. That is about it for our options. I looked into the University's childcare, and there is currently a sixteen month waiting list.
Star Gazer Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 My mother took one class a semester to enable herself to meet all of her obligations (work, childcare, etc.). Why can't he do the same thing? He doesn't have to take a full load of courses. Perhaps that will help you both achieve some balance?
Juristhea Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Does he really need to take up all the classes? From what I've been reading, it seems that he's letting his schooling get in the way of taking care of you and your kids.
michelangelo Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 What is he studying? How old are you two? And how much more does he have to complete his degree?
Author Jennifer26 Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 He'll be 34 in a few months. Also, there is a 14 credit requirement to be eligible for any financial aid (we're using federal loans). Beside the loan issue, time is also an issue because of his age. He is going for a degree in English Literature. Ultimately, he wants to teach English at college level and be a writer.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 It might be worth while to put off school for a while, and then go back before the credits expire. As for pursuing a career as a professor and a writer... well, to be honest at entry level it isn't lucrative and the chances of making it as a writer are slim at best. Has he considered a minor or a concentration in something that will broaden his chances at getting a better job? It can be frustrating to work for something that is a distant dream, and even more frustrating when you can't work for it at all. I went through a similar thing waiting for a chance to go back to school. It is depressing and extremely guilt inducing, feeling like you are prevented from reaching your dreams by something you can't help but to love and see as your top priority (family).
michelangelo Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 is he almost done? BTW, I got a degree in journalism at age 25. My first job was for a weekly paper. I'd have made more money working at macdonalds. as satisfying to the ego as it was, it was not enough to feed a family. I had to change my career.
Star Gazer Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 He'll be 34 in a few months. Also, there is a 14 credit requirement to be eligible for any financial aid (we're using federal loans). Beside the loan issue, time is also an issue because of his age. He is going for a degree in English Literature. Ultimately, he wants to teach English at college level and be a writer. One class at a time isn't expensive - at all. And my mom didn't graduate college until I was 18. (She was 48.) She's pretty successful in her own right.
Juristhea Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 One class at a time isn't expensive - at all. And my mom didn't graduate college until I was 18. (She was 48.) She's pretty successful in her own right. I guess things can be accomplished if you set your mind to it. Maybe your husband needs to reassess his priorities first.
taylor Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 This all said, my husband said to me that he doesn't see how he can keep going. He feels like he should quit school. I think your husband should quit school or cut back. When you choose to have children, you choose to put yourself second and put them FIRST. Your husband has this attitude that the children are "interfering" with his study time and with his career goals. He has that backwards. His choice to further his education is interfering and disrupting the care of the children and your family life. It's a matter of priorities. IMO, he should stop whining and take care of the children he chose to produce. If there is time for anything else, then squeeze THAT in. There are many single mothers working jobs to support children, are going to school to better themselves so that they can offer their children a better life, AND they are taking care of their children. They are exhausted mentally and physically but they plug away day after day with a smile on their faces. They pull out pictures of their children to boast about them..tell others how everything they are doing they are doing for the kids and that it's all worth it. They don't sit around and complain. IMO, your husband should quit school and find a job to help you support the children you both made. He can go back to school when the children are both in school and you are both better off financially. He is putting your marriage and your family in a horrible spot to pursue his "dream." I say, if you brought two children into this world...one autistic with special needs...it's time to grow up. Stop being so selfish. And get a job to support the family you made. What your husband is doing to you is selfish and unfair. I also feel for your children. Kids can sense a lot of things from their parents...stress, tension, resentment. No wonder the little one cries all the time. And my heart goes out to your oldest child. We have an autistic child in our neighborhood. BOTH parents totally dote on him. BOTH of their worlds revolve around him. He truly is the joy of their lives. They invest hours and hours of their time with him and he is thriving because of it. He just won a regional spelling bee. I agree with the poster who says you are bending backwards so far.... Do you really think the answer is splitting up and removing the family obligation from your husband? Put it all on you so that he can go follow his dream? How will that work anyways? He would still have to find a job to support himself and pay his bills...and go to school. When would he study? At his job? But if you think it would be better for him to get a job and go to school, why not suggest that? Then you can put the kids in daycare (since you will both have an income) during the day while you are both at work. He can go to school at night and you can watch the kids at night.
Juristhea Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I think your husband should quit school or cut back. When you choose to have children, you choose to put yourself second and put them FIRST. Your husband has this attitude that the children are "interfering" with his study time and with his career goals. He has that backwards. His choice to further his education is interfering and disrupting the care of the children and your family life. It's a matter of priorities. IMO, he should stop whining and take care of the children he chose to produce. If there is time for anything else, then squeeze THAT in. There are many single mothers working jobs to support children, are going to school to better themselves so that they can offer their children a better life, AND they are taking care of their children. They are exhausted mentally and physically but they plug away day after day with a smile on their faces. They pull out pictures of their children to boast about them..tell others how everything they are doing they are doing for the kids and that it's all worth it. They don't sit around and complain. IMO, your husband should quit school and find a job to help you support the children you both made. He can go back to school when the children are both in school and you are both better off financially. He is putting your marriage and your family in a horrible spot to pursue his "dream." I say, if you brought two children into this world...one autistic with special needs...it's time to grow up. Stop being so selfish. And get a job to support the family you made. What your husband is doing to you is selfish and unfair. I also feel for your children. Kids can sense a lot of things from their parents...stress, tension, resentment. No wonder the little one cries all the time. And my heart goes out to your oldest child. We have an autistic child in our neighborhood. BOTH parents totally dote on him. BOTH of their worlds revolve around him. He truly is the joy of their lives. They invest hours and hours of their time with him and he is thriving because of it. He just won a regional spelling bee. I agree with the poster who says you are bending backwards so far.... Do you really think the answer is splitting up and removing the family obligation from your husband? Put it all on you so that he can go follow his dream? How will that work anyways? He would still have to find a job to support himself and pay his bills...and go to school. When would he study? At his job? But if you think it would be better for him to get a job and go to school, why not suggest that? Then you can put the kids in daycare (since you will both have an income) during the day while you are both at work. He can go to school at night and you can watch the kids at night. Well said, Taylor.
Ponder Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I studied came home looked after kids and got bored and depressed. I also looked up porn. Hey what else can you do that gets a little excitement in a day? Sex is the first thing a guy will think of if he wants to get a little natural high. I was bored because i was working my ass off studying and then coming home and being left all day with the kids and my wife hardly ever came up with ideas about how we could do anything different........oh and since the kids had come along she had pushed me aside and never initiated sex. Wanna know what hubbies thinking ? Hes bored ****less, tired, probably feeling guilty a bit subconsciously for putting his family in a holding pattern while he studies, anxious about being able to support you as an author and probably also wondering if this is really worth all the hard work. Yeah your both bored and tired and im not saying your not in the same boat but all that lovely bachelor type stuff guys get to do when they are young disappears when you get married. My suggestion is yes you reassure him, take him to bed and show him a great time, then tell him to snap out of it. Arguments are great for clearing the air and letting out all that pent up angst. But hey im just a guy its only my opinion.
taylor Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I studied came home looked after kids and got bored and depressed. I also looked up porn. Hey what else can you do that gets a little excitement in a day?Sex is the first thing a guy will think of if he wants to get a little natural high. I was bored because i was working my ass off studying and then coming home and being left all day with the kids and my wife hardly ever came up with ideas about how we could do anything different........oh and since the kids had come along she had pushed me aside and never initiated sex. So what do you think women do when they study all day, take care of the kids all day, and are bored and tired? Where is HER source of excitement?? Instead of porn, why not try to get a natural high from your kids. You made 'em. Why not try enjoying them? What are they doing while you are getting your natural high looking at porn? You weren't "being left" all day with the kids. When your wife is with the kids and you are off somwhere, is she "being left" with the kids? You act like you've been abandoned or something. Your wife seldom came up with ideas of how you could do anything different? You mean she didn't come up with any ideas of how to alleviate your boredom? And what ideas did you come up with while you were sitting around being bored? Oh, yeah, porn. Did it ever cross your mind to think of some ways to bring her a little happiness? Your wife has pushed you aside since the kids have come along? Poor baby. Maybe she's busy taking care of the kids...something you should be helping her with. She doesn't initiate sex? Why not? Maybe she's bored with you. They say only the boring get bored. Maybe she's irritated because you're looking at porn instead of spending time with the kids. Maybe she's tired, too. You boo-hoo your life and blame your wife. Is her life any better than yours? Is she finding great happiness in her life at your expense? What are you doing to make her life happier? Did you ever stop to think maybe you are both in the same boat? I think you need to grow up, take care of your responsibilities, and quit blaming others...your wife and kids... for your unhappiness. You chose this life, you don't like it, and now you are trying to point your finger at everyone else for your unhappiness. Try turning that finger around at pointing it at yourself. Yeah your both bored and tired and im not saying your not in the same boat but all that lovely bachelor type stuff guys get to do when they are young disappears when you get married. That's right. And you knew it going in. And so did your wife. All the "lovely bachelorette type stuff girls get to do when they are young" disappears, too, when they get married. Your wife "gave up" her single life, just like you did, when she married you. Is she sitting around boo-hooing it? take him to bed and show him a great time, then tell him to snap out of it. Why do guys always think sex is the answer to everything? Sure, it's a few moments of pleasure and a great escape from the real problems, but then what. How does sex solve the childcare issue, the financial issue, the exhaustion issue, etc. How old are you?
Juristhea Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 I dont think SEX can solve their issues, regardless of intimacy, financial or other argumentative issues. Counseling is what they really need.
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