Does this guy sound like an abuser???

[befuddled1]

Recently met a guy who's mid 30s, divorced for nearly 2 years.

 

Over the course of our conversations, he's revealed some things that are of concern to me.

 

1) He'd been married for 6 years, and was the one to initiate them separating/the divorce. He's not really clear as to why he wanted to end things but did say he married the wrong person and that they stayed together longer than they should have, merely for the sake of their daughter.

 

He says that several months ago, he'd been dating a very nice women who also had a daughter, and to make a long story short, he and this girlfriend bumped into his ex wife and her boyfriend at some function their daughter was a part of (they have shared custody)...and his girlfriend "met" his wife there. They exchanged hellos and such.

 

He says that he came to find out that for several weeks, his girlfriend and ex wife had been emailing each other.....with his ex wife basically telling his then-girlfriend what a rotten guy he was......that he'd physically abused her, wasn't a good father, etc.

 

He says his ex wife did this because "she was jealous" that he'd moved on and found someone new.

 

I asked him "how ever did your ex wife and girlfriend make contact by email?" He said it was quite accidental, that he would "forward" emails of nice quotes and sayings to his girlfriend, his mother, his sister, and to his daughter......and without thinking (his daughter was 6 at the time), his wife obviously would have been the one to open the emails up for his daughter.....and in doing so, was able to see the other email addresses that he'd sent the "forward" to, thus, getting his then-girlfriend's email address....so I guess that's how they began communicating. (Now why a man would be sending this type of email to a 6 yr old child sounds very strange to me, but...)

 

He says that his ex wife essentially ruined the relationship with this girlfriend because this girlfriend had a previous abusive relationship or marriage and when she heard from his ex wife that he had been abusive to HER, she was very freaked out.....and though she (the girlfriend) confronted him about it, and he profusely denied it and tried to get her to believe it was all bogus crap to make him look bad, this girlfriend just couldn't take the chance that it was true.....so she ended things.

 

During a different conversation, he admitted to me that his eye color is a lighter blue....but when he's extremely "angry", his eye color turns more to black....and it's very obvious if looking at him/his eyes, that he's furious.

 

Now.....the sensible side of me asks why a guy would divulge this kind of info to me, knowing these "allegations" ruined one relationship............but then the more skeptical side of me wonders if he divulged this so that should we begin to seriously date and his ex wife ever were to make contact with me and try to tell the dirt on him, that at least he could say to me, "see, I told you she does things like this, remember how she did it with my ex girlfriend?" Therefore, it may have been more of a pre-planned "cover your butt" kind of move.

 

Interestingly, he states that his wife was abusive to him; that she threw things at him, including frying pans and such, and that she "threw him down the stairs."

 

I suspect I'll never know the entire truth of what took place, or whether this man has a propensity to be an abuser (I fully believe that once an abuser, always an abuser), so based on that alone, I should just walk away.

 

Curious what your thoughts might be on these kinds of revelations.

[Java]

That's the thing about ex's and pasts..... there's three sides to every story, his, hers and the truth is often in the middle. Like you said, you'll never really know.

 

You're right, he could have divulged that information as a back up for when the ex wife butted into this relationship with her information...... or it could be that he was simply telling you about his recent past with no hidden agenda. Time will ultimately tell.

 

It's a bit of a concern that he would talk about his eye colour changing when he's furious..... he must get furious a lot for people to actually notice his eye colour changing and tell him, or he's gotten furious enough to have checked his own eyes out in a mirror.... like who does that?. Seems an odd thing to admit off his own back given he believes he's not an abusive type o guy, given he believes his ex is just making up that he's abusive..... did nothing for his case at all.

 

Always a bit of a worry I think when someone doesn't own their stuff.... rather blames the other person entirely.

[LadyX]

Start doing a little investigating and see what you uncover. Does he have a criminal record? Don't be afraid to contact the X and ask questions. If she can back up her story...run don't walk, out of this mans life!

[befuddled1]

Thanks both of you for taking the time to respond.

 

LadyX, I've only met this man a couple of times. I have nothing invested in him, or a relationship (at this early point). I guess I'm a firm believer that if I am seeing someone, in the very early stages, and there's signficant concerns raised re: them having a history of infidelity, dishonesty, abuse...well I really can't be bothered going to such lengths as investigating. I feel that if I'm starting out having concerns or doubts or questions, that's likely a huge sign that things should not be pursued. I know that when it comes to abuse, you will likely get the entire story. Considering abuse is such a horrible thing, I just wouldn't be respectful to myself to get involved with someone who leaves some doubts in my mind. His ex wife could have been a trouble maker, or she could have been a previously abused woman who was desperately trying to tip off another woman to help her prevent being the victim of his abuse.....who could really ever know the truth, or her true motivations for saying these things?

 

Interesting, though...he did say that when the above mentioned girlfriend ended up ending their relationship because of her concerns, his ex wife "felt really bad" and she tried to "get them back together." I found that extremely bizarre...if she was talking trash about him out of jealousy, why would she then get busted for it, and suddenly want to try and repair the damage?

 

It all sounds bizarre. I just don't think it's worth my time. It all sounds too crazy to me.