Inflikted Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I know I've posted about this before, but I seem to have a lot of trouble finding advice on what to do. See, back when I was a little kid, I fell pretty hard for this girl in my class. I was crazy about her for years, but too shy to even let her know I existed. :/ Eventually, she found out, and seemed "tickled" by the idea. But then grade school ended, and we went our separate ways. High school came and went, and then about this time a year ago, by pure dumb luck, I stumbled on to her MySpace page. I wrote her, and she seemed surprisingly happy to hear from me. We kept that little online conversation going for a while, and as I learned more about her and kept writing with her, I could feel my old feelings bubbling back. Problem was, she was in a fairly serious 8-9 month relationship, so obviously I couldn't get too deep with my words. Summer came, and she came home for the summer (she goes to a college about 1.5-2 hours away, but "home" is a city that's not further than 15-20 minutes). I backed off a bit, because it was too hard seeing how head over heels she was with that other guy. As summer was coming to an end, I looked up her profile again, and was shocked to see the two of them had a major breakup. I panicked, because summer seemed like the best time for her and me to get together, and she only had a couple weeks before school started, but at the same time, she had JUST gotten out of a major relationship. My head was spinning, and I finally made the decision to write her, and ask her about meeting up before summer ended. She never responded... It's worth noting, though, that months before this, I had hinted about seeing her again, and she actually said she wouldn't mind seeing me again, either; anyway, I stopped writing to her, too embarrassed and awkward to do so, and we had no contact for months... But I couldn't stop thinking about her. Finally, after Christmas a couple of months ago, I sucked it up, and tried to get back in the loop with her, writing her a nice little late Christmas message. I wasn't hearing anything back, and I started feeling down, but then she surprised me and wrote back a nice little message, that even seemed to leave the door open for continued conversation. I tried to continue said conversation, but she didn't write me again. :/ A few days ago, I messaged her a brief little message just saying what's up, and asking her what she's got planned for spring break (I know she came home last year for spring break, and if she did the same this year, perhaps that could be my "in" for a possible meet up). She hasn't written me back on that, though... Of course, it's only been a few days, and it's not uncommon for her to be late on replying. Plus, even after these last few days, I'm still the last person that's messaged her, so maybe she won't forget about me, heh... And I know what most of you will probably say... A) She doesn't seem interested, and B) I should just forget about her. Well, for one, I never expected her interest level to be the same as mine; I wanted to BUILD her interest level, but I have no idea how to do that (not very experienced with women...), especially considering how much more difficult the whole "online" thing makes it. And secondly... I can't just "forget about her and move on". Obviously these last few years of no contact hasn't diminished my feelings for her, so what more will? I'm determined to move forward with this, because either one of two things will happen; she'll either eventually cave and give me a chance, or she'll further disconnect herself from me (maybe block me from her MySpace, etc.). Either way, I want to see this through to the end. That said, though, I don't want to just run in blind, here; I know I can't guarantee a specific result, but I want to do whatever I can to maximize my chances with her, if even by only a little. To make matters worse, I feel like I'm on borrowed time, here; recently, she added a big paragraph to her MySpace profile about how she wants to not only start dating again, but find some one who has serious long term potential, and to be honest, it's amazing to me that she hasn't already started seeing some one else. And here I am, potentially willing to offer her those things, but I'm stuck behind a computer screen, not knowing how to even get her to talk to me anymore, and who knows who she might meet in the meantime that could totally sweep her off her feet. I had such a hard time dealing with how crazy she was over that last guy she was with, and I don't want to go through that again. So here I am... I don't know what to do... I REALLY want to get this thing offline and into the real world, as I think I'd fair a lot better in the real world. This online junk just makes things too complicated, and things get lost in translation. But I don't know HOW. How do I get her to talk to me more regularly? What can I say that's clever/ interesting enough to really catch her attention? How do I better my chances that she'll actually be more open to maybe, I dunno, moving things at least to phone conversation, or even meeting up in person? These are the things that are driving me nuts. I know WHERE I want to go, but I don't know HOW to get there. @_@
Geishawhelk Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I hate to say it, but you're bashing your skull against a wall here. You've written to her on plenty of occasions. Women aren't stupid. She has without a doubt picked up that you're being friendly. If she was interested you wouldn't even think of the need to build up her interest level, because she would have responded by now. You're in a 'friend' zone. And the reason she put that big profile message on Myspace, is because you're not on her dating radar. She hasn't even thought about it. I hate to say it, or sound predictable, but - Forget it and move on. You knew it was coming, or else you wouldn't have mentioned it. Just like she knows you're there - but she hasn't even mentioned it.
BackonTrack2 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 women arn't stupid, they are smart as hell, so smart. and the myspace thing, i dunno what to tell you but i can say this, the ex and i broke up about this time last year, i was destroyed broken, yada, yada, anyway i blocked her, deleted all pictures, threw everything away even sent a drunken text, one time well whatever...... within 24 hours of me unblocking her, she changed her relationship status on FB from "single" to "in a relationship" and i was taken back by it, for about .003 seconds, then i realized it didn't bother me, the point i'm trying to make in my case is, my ex is a loser, she has no life, she was constantly searching for me on fb and once i unblocked her, she just wanted to put salt in the wound some more, either that or she was trying to prove a point like "hey, i know you were messed up and i know you were looking at my profile so i waited until you got better before i edited it" in eithercase, means she feels SOMETHING, still, even afaer a year, even after her fawking another man for at that time 18 months, whore, eitherway i don't even know if they are still together, i have 100% no idea, she's out my life (good riddiance) either that or it was just a cowincidence, and as my cousin said, thats a hell of a cowincidence and i personally think she was just telling me 'take that ass hole' but i'l never know and i'll never ask and i'll never call so thats that.... i have no point to my story, just that its over for you and move on
Author Inflikted Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 Eh, I just wish I could be blunt with her and put everything out there once and for all. Like, something like this: "Listen, I'm tired of just kinda beating around the bush here. I'm sure you know I had a thing for you back in grade school, and yeah, I'll admit, I'm just a little curious to see if there's still something there; can ya blame me? I know I've been kinda weird with you, and I know a message like this doesn't exactly prove my sanity, but this whole 'online' thing just makes things more complicated than it needs to be. Bottom line is, I'd really like to see you again, and just take it from there. What do you say?" Of course, I wouldn't send a message like that for obvious reasons. I'm just tired of trying to catch her attention with dopey little "how are you doing?/ what's new with you?" messages. >_<
Geishawhelk Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 What are the obvious reasons you wouldn't send the message? I think it's perfect!
GorillaTheater Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I agree with Geisha, send it. Your message didn't strike me as particularly needy or clingy but rather pretty straight-foward and light-hearted. She might respond, she might not. You have to be prepared either way, and certainly if she doesn't respond, or responds in a way that makes it clear she's not interested, you need to let it go. But at least you won't be kicking yourself later on for not trying. And it's probably an age thing on my part, but I would tell her how you feel (more-or-less worded the same way as your message) in person, or at least over the phone.
Author Inflikted Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 Well, because it's too forward, isn't it? As much as I'd like to move things forward with her, I don't want her to think of me as some creepy weirdo.
GorillaTheater Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I'm a guy, so my "creepy" radar probably sucks, but this didn't strike me as creepy at all. Too foward? I don't think so. "Foward" is what confident guys do. Guys like that are willing to put it on the line, will probably get rejected more often than not, but are confident enough to shrug it off and try again with somebody else.
Author Inflikted Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 Ok, I'm not a guy....and that message would freak me. I'm all for confidence and being upfront, but you go into too much detail about the past...there is no need to explain 'why' you want to meet her - to me that would make me feel like I am on show, that you want to meet me just to see whether you still are attracted to me. Well, I put that part in there, because she DOES know I had a huge crush on her in grade school; if I don't address it, she'll get the idea that I'm some big loser that's been hanging on to that all these years with nothing else going for me. At least if I were to put it out there myself, I get that out of the way, and even downplay it a bit. Yeah, stop beating around the bush with the 'hi how are you' and just go for a simple 'hi how are you, do you fancy meeting up for a drink one evening for a proper catch up'....then she will feel intrigued and not think it all 'heavy'..... Right, but when I tried basically doing that last summer, she just kinda brushed me off. And I STILL don't know if she did so either because of a mix of still feeling upset over her recent breakup from a major relationship along with the stress of returning to school, or if it was more personally because of me, specifically. Because of that confusion, I don't really want to just send basically the same message I did last time. I wanted to do something a little more eye-catching this time. Of course, I guess this doesn't really matter, as I don't even know that I'll send such a message, mostly because I expected more people to react like you did to that "mock up" message I wrote. Part of me really wants to, but I'm unsure... I think I need more input and more tweaking before I send it. And I know, a lot of you guys are pretty set in the idea that she's definitely not interested in me, never has been, never will be, but personally, I think her interest level on my has sort of wavered. She seemed to enjoy writing with me when we first started, but I backed off because I knew I'd get "friend zone'd", considering she was in a relationship. Then I spent months writing "small talk" messages to her, and the first chance I got when she broke up, I wrote and asked her to right away meet up with me. When that kinda evidently turned her off, I stopped writing her for months, then popped in recently and started trying to get something going again. And right, I never thought her to be "stupid" in that she couldn't see what my intentions were/ are; I just think my approach thus far has been what's turned her off the most. So, the little part of me that DOES want to send that message, wants to because it shows a bit more confidence, gets right to the point, and is basically an all-or-nothing message.
Geishawhelk Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Send it!! What have you go to lose - ??
Author Inflikted Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 OK, how long ago were you in grade school? If I met someone that I had a crush on from school then I wouldn't expect to have to 'address' it, or vice-versa if I met someone that liked me. You're making it really heavy when it is not. Being heavy and addressing it makes it sound like it is a big deal and that you HAVEN'T got over it - even if it is a big deal to you at the moment you can't really know how you feel until you meet, and you mustn't come on too strong or heavy. It will make her RUN.... It's been about 7-8 years. She had to transfer out after 6th grade, so that's two years of grade school, then four years of high school, plus another year or two-ish. So 7-8 is about right. And really, all I meant was, she knew I was nuts about her when we were kids, and she MUST know my interest right now goes beyond just being friendly; it'd be easy for her to make the wrong connection, there, perhaps she already has, and that's another reason she's a bit wary, because she thinks I'm some crazed guy that's been "searching for her for years", or something. If I'm right, and she already has connected the dots that way, then me writing her without addressing it wouldn't do anything to dispel that impression; it'd probably facilitate it even more, to be honest. But again, I'm not completely sold on sending it (at least as is), but I'm just trying to get you to see that line from my perspective. Secondly, you asked her out for a drink last summer - that was ages ago. Just ask her again, don't make the message long so she can ignore that bit. If she replies positively then pin her down to a day and time.... That's kinda what I did last time, though; I warmed her up a little bit first just by writing her and asking her how her summer was going, and she responded positively (didn't mention her breakup at all, or seem upset), so I basically said "That's great!" and then the rest of the letter was me coaxing her to meet up.
BCCA Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Send it!! What have you go to lose - ?? Agreed, what the heck? Take one more shot at it, see what happens. Dont be surpised if you get the same lack of a response, but if/when you do, youll know for sure that its time to let this one go.
Author Inflikted Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 Hah, well, yeah, I WANT to move this forward, but like I said, I still want to do anything I can to maximize my chances, here. What do you guys REALLY think of that mock up message? Heh, no offense, but I kinda get the feeling some of you guys are just pushing me to get it over with, and I just want to make sure there's nothing there that's too over-the-top (like what Mary1977 was talking about).
Geishawhelk Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Right. Get this straight: The big problem - particularly with the young - is that they don't have a clue on how to communicate. This is because they spend their entire time with headphones in listening to ipods, or stuck infront of a computer playing games, or cruising facebook/myspace, or watching TV, or sending e-mails or IMing one another, or texting by 'phone. To the ridiculous point that they actually have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to either write properly, or engage in a proper, face-to-face, actual, live, dynamic engaged verbal eye-to-eye conversation. WITH BODY LANGUAGE!! *gasp!!* So it's little wonder that (ONE) you find it hard to believe the direct approach will work, and (TWO) that you think we're all joshing you. Actually, I'm here pulling my hair our screaming at the screen, calling you all kinds of names (in a nice way! ) because you're actually considering communicating effectively - which is so rare as to be almost non-existent!! And you find it so unusual to be agreed with - that you're suspicious.... Kind of sad, isn't it....? SEND IT!!!
Narf Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I personally think mentioning you use to have a crush is not stalkerish it is light and funny and will bring back memories (hopefully good ones) From being a kid and being at school... Then you follow it up with a friendly meeting with the possibility of something more... Your whole message doesnt come across stalkerish at all to me... If i received i would laugh and wouldnt see the harm in meeting up for drinks... It wouldnt mean anything except 2 friends reconnecting Even if you dont send it, i do think you need to ask her for coffee or drinks or something... Otherwise you will constantly have the what ifs in your head
Author Inflikted Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Well, I sent the message last night. In a way, I almost feel relieved. I'm sure it's much too soon for her to have written me back, but I haven't checked my e-mail at all, yet, because for some reason, in the unlikely event that she DOES write me back, I'm nervous about what she might say.
Author Inflikted Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 Nah, it actually doesn't even look like she's logged on since I've sent it, so I don't think she's even read it yet.
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