Phateless Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 It's nice your're getting results of a sort, but it doesn't really get elevated beyond a really obscure online game until you get to the "let's meet" phase, and I'm thinking that for you this is gonna be a potential crutch to allow you to put the real life interaction off. You need to get out there and stop hiding behind that PC. He's right. do both. Chatting online through AIM or Yahoo! Messenger, etc. can be great flirting practice. Chatting online honestly helped me to become better at flirting in real life. But DO NOT let it replace real life.
Author 39388 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 He's right. do both. Chatting online through AIM or Yahoo! Messenger, etc. can be great flirting practice. Chatting online honestly helped me to become better at flirting in real life. But DO NOT let it replace real life. I was afraid to even chat online or even post on a messageboard until January when I joined this one. I'm still learning how to interact online. I missed out with so many lonely years and I don't want to miss out any longer!
Isolde Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 39388, if you don't mind my asking, what changed all of a sudden to make you become more proactive? It's great that you're taking action--it just seems such a drastic change from your earlier trepidation.
Author 39388 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 39388, if you don't mind my asking, what changed all of a sudden to make you become more proactive? It's great that you're taking action--it just seems such a drastic change from your earlier trepidation. A part of it is I'm getting more support than ever before. Would it be ok to PM some of the details as much of it I don't want to post on a public board?
Isolde Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 A part of it is I'm getting more support than ever before. Would it be ok to PM some of the details as much of it I don't want to post on a public board? Sure, go ahead
Author 39388 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 Sure, go ahead Thanks. I'll PM you soon.
Phateless Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 39388, if you don't mind my asking, what changed all of a sudden to make you become more proactive? It's great that you're taking action--it just seems such a drastic change from your earlier trepidation. We're all really proud of him here.
Author 39388 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 We're all really proud of him here. Thanks. Change is very tough. Learning things that are obvious to most people 20 years younger is the weirdest feeling. You think why didn't you pick that up at 15, but you are so glad you finally figured something out. I realized that I'm having trouble myself answering completely why I changed so much in 2 months. I always want to know the whys and I understand some of it, but not all of it. I should be careful not to overanalyze. lol
Author 39388 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 My first rejection is official. I'm kind of smiling since I was rejected very softly. I was expecting a non response, but instead just got the we may not be a good match thing. Clearly she was not attracted to me, but she said it nicely without saying those words. I gave her a nice response saying I hope both of us find someone. A rejection is nowhere near as hard as I thought. True, this is very very early.
clv0116 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 No worries man, expect more of the same and then some different. Keep on going for it and you will become more comfortable with the whole process. Remember, rejection is more about them than it's about you.
Phateless Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 A rejection is nowhere near as hard as I thought. YES!! Now you really have nothing left to fear. You're going to start gaining momentum very quickly here. I'm excited for you.
IcemanJB Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Hey! It's good to hear the steps you're taking. I'm assuming this rejection of yours was online? That's a great way to get an idea of what it's like when it happens to your face. I had one about a week ago. Actually, we'll call it a mutual rejection. I basically told her I'd be willing to go on a 2nd date with her, when I really didn't feel the spark there during the first date (I figured maybe nerves got in the way). She replied saying she didn't feel the connection, pretty much exactly how I was feeling haha. No big deal, I told her we're on the same page so it's all good. Sometimes the rejection can be kinda funny. If you can laugh it off, you KNOW you're on the right path. Keep it up.
Author 39388 Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 I'm finding rejection is much harder when they say they are interested, but then don't respond to your messages.
amerikajin Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I'm finding rejection is much harder when they say they are interested, but then don't respond to your messages. Think of this as an evolution. It will take time. Don't think about the past, don't think about the rejection, just think about where you're going. Each rejection is a new experience and something to grow from.
Author 39388 Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 Dude, that happens to everyone. Think of this as an evolution. It will take time. Don't think about the past, don't think about the rejection, just think about where you're going. Each rejection is a new experience and something to grow from. Cherry Blossom, Amerikajin Thanks for your help and support! You're messages are always helpful! I'm hurting a lot right now. I know rejections will happen in this way, when you think you may just have something and suddenly no responses. I've seen so many LS members get over worse. I know I will too, but tonight may be hard. I think once I get over the hump and get that first date that I've wanted for countless years, part of the pressure will be off me. I need to keep pushing ahead and flirting online with new women.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 There is way more rejection online than IRL, in my opinion. People seem to be ruder because they are hiding behind their computer screens. I wouldn't worry about it at all.
Author 39388 Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 There is way more rejection online than IRL, in my opinion. People seem to be ruder because they are hiding behind their computer screens. I wouldn't worry about it at all. I'm know you're right. Even making an online profile was a big step for me, given how I was continually depressed only a couple months ago. This is a long process that may be very tough, but even now when I'm stuggling I know the process will eventually get easier and more fun!
D-Lish Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 When it comes to online dating don't put all your eggs into one basket. Often, people are talking to more than one person at a time- or they just get sidetracked and don't return messages. I can't tell you how many people I have started to talk to- then had it fizzle out. Happens all the time. These people don't know you, it's not really rejection. Keep talking to different women until something actually comes out of it.
Author 39388 Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 When it comes to online dating don't put all your eggs into one basket. Often, people are talking to more than one person at a time- or they just get sidetracked and don't return messages. I can't tell you how many people I have started to talk to- then had it fizzle out. Happens all the time. These people don't know you, it's not really rejection. Keep talking to different women until something actually comes out of it. You're right. I'm going to to try and flirt with and ask out as many women as possible and need to keep doing this until I'm at the kissing stage with a woman, which may be a few dates. Definitely a change from how I used to think. I'm really need to get better with the phone. I can't tell you how many times I've angred friends by calling at the wrong time. I've woken them up at 10am and 9pm alike or called them during work. I also overthink when to call becuase I want them to be there and don't want them to be upset, but then I still seem to call at the wrong time. I get so nervous when leaving messages that I often don't leave one and try later. Then they see I called several times and may not like that. Hmmm this may be why talking to people online is easier. That phone is intimidating. I hope to change this! I tried writing my message down yesterday to prepare for her not being there, but still had trouble getting it out. My heart beats so fast it seems before a phone call with someone new. Hopefully I'll soon have the confidence to expend beyond online dating. I do have the confidence to ask a woman out for coffee, which I most certainly did not have a few weeks ago.
Phateless Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 You're right. I'm going to to try and flirt with and ask out as many women as possible and need to keep doing this until I'm at the kissing stage with a woman, which may be a few dates. Definitely a change from how I used to think. I'm really need to get better with the phone. I can't tell you how many times I've angred friends by calling at the wrong time. I've woken them up at 10am and 9pm alike or called them during work. I also overthink when to call becuase I want them to be there and don't want them to be upset, but then I still seem to call at the wrong time. I get so nervous when leaving messages that I often don't leave one and try later. Then they see I called several times and may not like that. Hmmm this may be why talking to people online is easier. That phone is intimidating. I hope to change this! I tried writing my message down yesterday to prepare for her not being there, but still had trouble getting it out. My heart beats so fast it seems before a phone call with someone new. Hopefully I'll soon have the confidence to expend beyond online dating. I do have the confidence to ask a woman out for coffee, which I most certainly did not have a few weeks ago. You're making steady progress, and I'm glad you're forging ahead despite the discouragement. I won't lie to you, there will be more discouragement, but there will also be progress. Just keep pushing and you will eventually get there. For the phone - a general rule of thumb is to try and keep it one to one. ONE call with VM and then you do something completely different until they call back. DO NOT blow people up. Texts count as one. You're not allowed to text AND call before getting a response, you can do one or the other. If you don't get a response within two days, then you can try again, but never more than once in the same day without a response, unless it's genuinely urgent. (concerned for someone's safety, etc) edit - D-Lish is dead-on about online dating, and real dating as well, for that matter. Diversify your portfolio. Talk to lots of different people and don't assume success too early. It's all practice and over time you improve. Think of driving stick-shift. You can't read about it then hop into a car and be good. There is just no substitute for putting in the hours of seat time required for practice. There just isn't. Make sure you stay on task with doing things that are good for you and make you feel confident and empowered. Try out new hobbies, etc. When you're ready, perhaps group outings, speed dating, salsa/swing dancing lessons, etc. All of these are good tools to socialize you and improve your abilities at relating to people. Plus, you just get accustomed to being around people and beautiful women, which raises your confidence. Here's another link that may help anyone in general, I'm hoping I don't get busted for posting it. It's about what we do to shoot ourselves in the foot when attempting to change. I think you are already well on your way to conquering these self-limiting beliefs and tendencies, but this article is still an inspirational read. http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200901_omag_willpower
Phateless Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Very interesting article, Phateless. Isn't it? It really spoke to me.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Isn't it? It really spoke to me. Me too. Something I have thought about when it comes to certain habits of mine that I've found very difficult to change. Makes me not feel so bad I like the idea about just trying a little at a time, to test yourself and see how you feel. If you can get through it with minimal anxiety, then you can try again. I think this article would really help 39988. Or whatever those numbers are
Author 39388 Posted March 29, 2009 Author Posted March 29, 2009 For the phone - a general rule of thumb is to try and keep it one to one. ONE call with VM and then you do something completely different until they call back. DO NOT blow people up. Texts count as one. You're not allowed to text AND call before getting a response, you can do one or the other. If you don't get a response within two days, then you can try again, but never more than once in the same day without a response, unless it's genuinely urgent. (concerned for someone's safety, etc) http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200901_omag_willpower I have a lot to learn about the phone and my least favorite game of phone tag. I finally got a rejection email. She didn't explaicitly say why, but it's clear that I called too much. I certainly acted desperate. Complicated rules, but at least I know what they are. Now if I could just follow them without letting my emotions get in the way. Organic chemistry was never this hard! I'm already talking to another woman on the site and always serching for more. That link was great reading!
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