Isolde Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 It'll be okay! You will mess up sometimes--but without giving yourself some latitude you will never find the right parameters. I'm very inexperienced and what little I've done dating wise I sort of forced myself to do. It worked--I now feel pretty comfortable talking to guys, though I can't bring myself to initiate conversation with them unless I've had something to drink. At least I can hold a conversation with a cute guy without getting flustered... though I admit I sometimes still blush and stammer.
D-Lish Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 I definitely want to show interest in a woman, but I think being too clingy and desperate would not be good. Just remember that dating is frustrating for both genders. Everyone gets anxiety about approaching someone or asking them out. Everyone worries about rejection. The biggest barrier to people getting romantically acquainted is a fear of rejection. Dating surely requires a backbone. Asking someone out means risking being rejected. Everyone looking to date needs to come to terms with the fact that everyone gets rejected at some point. If you want to put yourself out there, you have to be able to handle rejection- you can't let it phase you. Phateless has made some good points. Practicing making conversation and light flirting with strangers is a safe way to get familiar with being more social. I make a point of it all the time. You start by practicing with safe targets- the girl behind the counter, your bank teller, people you work with. Just practice having light conversations. I used this method to get reaquainted with dating after my divorce. Pick a line at the grocery store with a woman at the cash- she's safe to talk to... it's her job- but it is great practice. And YES, the whole idea about going into a men's boutique and asking a girl to help with a new look is an awesome idea.... same with the salon hair cut. Flirt with your waitress!! Usually you won't even have to start that ball rolling- they will! My gf was once wildly mad for a guy that wasn't particularly hot or anything- but he had this funky style and confidence thing going on- he was unique... and confident despite the fact that he might not have been the best looking guy in the room. Just unique. You'd be amazed what a new look can do for your confidence. You're an intellect and an academic, you're over 6 feet tall... change your style up a bit, get a new haircut. Develop a unique sense of style. Changing the outside can only take you so far though- confidence emanates from within. That's where the practice helps... And of course the therapy. Are you involved in CBT? It's a therapy that teaches you how to change how you think, the goal is to eliminate negative thoughts through new behaviour practices. Retraining your mind. Intelligence IS sexy to a lot of women... it certainly is a big one in my books. If people actually flat out compliment you on your intelligence- it means you are capable of communicating to them that you ARE intelligent. That means you must have communication skills. Hun, that's an asset. If you find yourself in a convo with a woman that is showing interest in an intelligent conversation you are having- simply ask her if she'd like to continue the conversation over a cup of coffee. As a woman, I can tell you- I have had so many guys walk past- maybe stare or smile, or maintain eye contact... maybe even walk away and turn around again to have another look. Rarely do they strike up a conversation. It's not just you. I'm telling you- it would be nice for a guy I have given the obvious signal to, to come over and strike up a conversation with me. I think you have to learn how to read a vibe properly...if a woman tells you- wow, you're really smart... That's a compliment in the highest form, start capitalizing on those compliments. Say something witty back "that's refreshing to hear- most women can't get past my good looks".... I love wit- I find it very endearing. I love Phateless's idea- especially if you are financially okay- spending some time and bucks on some new hip clothes will make you feel better right away. It's a good start anyway.
Trialbyfire Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Intelligence IS sexy to a lot of women... it certainly is a big one in my books. Me too, me too!! Play it up because there are A LOT of women drawn to intelligent men.
Phateless Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 I definitely want to show interest in a woman, but I think being too clingy and desperate would not be good. YES! Absolutely right. Clingy is bad. All that stuff comes later, for now just focus on the stuff I posted. Over time, you'll start experimenting and trying different approaches to see what works for you. And yes, I met an employee.
Phateless Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 D-Lish is SO dead on! You're 6 feet tall, intelligent, and a good communicator. You are much farther ahead of the curve than you think. You have no idea... Start with the basics, and over time you learn how to read body language and all sorts of things. You know, most girls will let you kiss them after only 3 to 5 signs of chemistry? she twirls her hair she looks deep in your eyes, her pupils dilated she's standing a little closer to you than might be necessary she touches your arm now and then or playfully slaps your chest she laughs at jokes that weren't THAT funny newsflash - you can kiss her. Toward the end of my singlehood i became more and more bold, and i didn't get shot down once. blows my mind when i look back at only 2 years earlier.
yeex Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Dude, read all these articles, there are some great tips and sources of motivation: http://www.sosuave.com/articles/default.htm By the way I have transformed in major ways within the last couple of years and I am in my thirties too. I used to never get dates myself and I regret it now. I know I passed up so many opportunities. I use that regret as a source of motivation now. Besides some people are just late bloomers. I have been a late bloomer in other aspects of my life and they have turned out fine. Also I have learned not to panic about the timetable.
Author 39388 Posted February 27, 2009 Author Posted February 27, 2009 I think, when things turn for you, it will happen quickly. Hope you're ready I hope so! I'm doing what I can to get ready. It'll be okay! You will mess up sometimes--but without giving yourself some latitude you will never find the right parameters. I'm very inexperienced and what little I've done dating wise I sort of forced myself to do. It worked--I now feel pretty comfortable talking to guys, though I can't bring myself to initiate conversation with them unless I've had something to drink. At least I can hold a conversation with a cute guy without getting flustered... though I admit I sometimes still blush and stammer. Thanks! The more practice the better. I can talk to female friends with no problem. I just have to take the next step and try to be as comfortable around strangers. Me too, me too!! Play it up because there are A LOT of women drawn to intelligent men. This will be the easy part for me
socialight Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 dlish and phateless are 100% correct. And phateless's story is very similar to mine and others I have seen or heard. You have a lot of work to do. But it is doable. And putting the working in will help build the confidence you need! There is a goofy book out there called "the game" by neil schartz. I encourage you to read it, not because it is a how to manual or that the guys featured are role models, but how it speaks to the power of transformation of mental attitude.
clv0116 Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 None, been afraid to and never got any indication that anyone has been interested. I clearly need to make more of an effort. Dude, just start talking and ask. What will they do, kill you and eat you?
Author 39388 Posted February 27, 2009 Author Posted February 27, 2009 Dating surely requires a backbone. Asking someone out means risking being rejected. Everyone looking to date needs to come to terms with the fact that everyone gets rejected at some point. If you want to put yourself out there, you have to be able to handle rejection- you can't let it phase you. You're an intellect and an academic, you're over 6 feet tall... change your style up a bit, get a new haircut. Develop a unique sense of style. Are you involved in CBT? It's a therapy that teaches you how to change how you think, the goal is to eliminate negative thoughts through new behaviour practices. Retraining your mind. If you find yourself in a convo with a woman that is showing interest in an intelligent conversation you are having- simply ask her if she'd like to continue the conversation over a cup of coffee. As a woman, I can tell you- I have had so many guys walk past- maybe stare or smile, or maintain eye contact... maybe even walk away and turn around again to have another look. Rarely do they strike up a conversation. It's not just you. I'm telling you- it would be nice for a guy I have given the obvious signal to, to come over and strike up a conversation with me. I love Phateless's idea- especially if you are financially okay- spending some time and bucks on some new hip clothes will make you feel better right away. It's a good start anyway. I'm definietly saving your post! The biggest change I need to make is bolded for a reason! I need to get the guts to do this and stop thinking "what if she has a bf or is married or whatever else". simply ask her if she'd like to continue the conversation over a cup of coffee. The new haircut and new clothes are doable in the near future. I also have to figure out how to pick up more signals that a woman wants to talk. I sometimes miss things. Practice is probably key here. I've not done CBT. It sounds like an interesting idea. I'm can be positive about a lot of things but have been so negative about a few. If I can even change negative, even to neutral on these few, life would be so much better! I'm already there or close on a number of the other points you made. I was an early bloomer on many things academic. Maybe I'm just a late bloomer on dating.
Author 39388 Posted February 27, 2009 Author Posted February 27, 2009 There is a goofy book out there called "the game" by neil schartz. I encourage you to read it, not because it is a how to manual or that the guys featured are role models, but how it speaks to the power of transformation of mental attitude. I'll look it up! It looks like I have a lot of reading to do in the near future, but then I need to take action. Dude, just start talking and ask. What will they do, kill you and eat you? You are right. What was I thinking all these years? I was very afraid of "worse than a no" from a woman.
clv0116 Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 I also have to figure out how to pick up more signals that a woman wants to talk. I sometimes miss things. Oh sweet lord almighty. Talk to her, ask her out. If she's not interested you won't have to wait for some magical smoke signals. Talk. Ask. When you inevitably get rejected (expect it) keep on trying. Stop over thinking the whole thing and don't focus on the 'failures' as such. You chatted an attractive woman, she wasn't buying what you are selling. So what? Eventually one will.
D-Lish Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 I think it's just important to recognize that someone that is talking to you enough to recognize you're intelligent is already engaging with you- so take that as a positive sign. Asking about the coffee is also a neutral invitation~ it's not like you're starting out by putting yourself way out there. Even if you have a coffee and it's not a love connection- it's still building a social circle that can lead to meeting other people (women)... You're sounding more positive today. That's good to see. Seriously- if I can "walk the walk " when I am at the bottom of a depression and make it through the day without anyone knowing how bad I sometimes feel on the inside.... You can ask a girl out for coffee.
Author 39388 Posted February 27, 2009 Author Posted February 27, 2009 I think it's just important to recognize that someone that is talking to you enough to recognize you're intelligent is already engaging with you- so take that as a positive sign. Asking about the coffee is also a neutral invitation~ it's not like you're starting out by putting yourself way out there. Even if you have a coffee and it's not a love connection- it's still building a social circle that can lead to meeting other people (women)... You're sounding more positive today. That's good to see. Seriously- if I can "walk the walk " when I am at the bottom of a depression and make it through the day without anyone knowing how bad I sometimes feel on the inside.... You can ask a girl out for coffee. I'm getting closer and closer to getting over the hump. It is clear what I need to do now. I'm sure I'll get an opportunity before I know it and I need to be ready with the word "coffee"
Phateless Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Right on, I can already see that you're making progress. Do some reading on body language, that will be huge for picking up signals. The Game is by Neil Strauss. Great book. As far as fear goes, think of it this way: If you ask and get shot down you will probably forget about it in a day or so. If you are too much of a chicken to ask even though you want to, you could be obsessing about it for two weeks! Take the easy way out. Ask her out.
Phateless Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Oh, signals... -she makes eye contact with you and holds it, even if it's only for a second. That split-second when she held your gaze means she noticed you, even if she looks away and doesn't look back. She might be shy. That's actually a good thing. That means she considers you someone worth being shy around. Get it? -what direction is she turned? is she facing you directly or is her shoulder toward you? if she's facing you, that's good. shoulder turned just means she might not be aware of you. not a bad thing, just means it may take a little more effort to get her attention. -proximity. i was at a party where i met this girl and ended up spending the whole night naked together in her bed. at the very beginning of the night i knew it was on from one simple thing. a group of people and i were talking, they gradually trickled away, she remained. the conversation had kinda died, yet she was lingering right next to me, for no apparent reason. that was all it took for me to know i should make a move later. -touch. F*ing DUH!!!! If she's touching you, she likes you. last thing to know? don't mistake signs of interest for signs of intent. there is a very distinct difference between the two. attraction is mostly subconscious, while choices are conscious. just because she's attracted to you and likes you does not mean she'll allow herself to go through with it. rejection may have NOTHING to do with you, so don't get caught up in taking it personally if you do get rejected. you have to learn to disconnect from rejection. she may be trying to take it slow, she may like someone else, she may still be talking to her ex, or she may not want to feel like a slut in front of her friends. remember what i said about the power of holding back and making her come to you. it works.
Author 39388 Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 If you ask and get shot down you will probably forget about it in a day or so. If you are too much of a chicken to ask even though you want to, you could be obsessing about it for two weeks! Take the easy way out. Ask her out. It might take a little more time a first, but I suppose it gets easier! I see where not asking anyone out has gotten me. Obsessing or even angry for how many years? Asking her out really is the easy way and I have to be ready at any time. You never know when you will see a woman you like
clv0116 Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Dude, don't obsess over this. This isn't some once in a lifetime surgical elite special forces strike where the satellites have to be aligned with the target asset before you send in the team or something. The next time you are out and you see a non-mutant woman, say hello. Converse a little. You can even cut it off and excuse yourself. Repeat this many times. Ask for a number, coffee, whatever. Two things are sure. You will fail some, and you will succeed some. Simple.
Phateless Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Dude, don't obsess over this. This isn't some once in a lifetime surgical elite special forces strike where the satellites have to be aligned with the target asset before you send in the team or something. The next time you are out and you see a non-mutant woman, say hello. Converse a little. You can even cut it off and excuse yourself. Repeat this many times. Ask for a number, coffee, whatever. Two things are sure. You will fail some, and you will succeed some. Simple. This is sage advice. It really is that simple.
clv0116 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 I'm just turning 35 and have never had a date. I am now convinced I should try rather than give up. I do not know when to jump in. So how many women did you chat up yesterday? What is your goal for today?
Author 39388 Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 So how many women did you chat up yesterday? What is your goal for today? I was not out a whole lot this weekend. The weather has been horrible which is why for the most part I stayed home. I talk briefly to a few people each day when I was out, but not a whole lot of opportunity to do little more than a hello. I will be out and about significantly more this coming week and will report on how it goes.
Author 39388 Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 This is sage advice. It really is that simple. I hope one day this is simple! At least it doesn't seem impossible anymore.
clv0116 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I hope one day this is simple! At least it doesn't seem impossible anymore. Go get 'em. Just remember, you will fail, expect it. Don't let it get you down, don't take it personally. Keep on trying.
clv0116 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 So how many women did you chat up yesterday? What is your goal for today? I'm gonna hound your ass until you get out there.
Phateless Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 So how many women did you chat up yesterday? What is your goal for today? I'm gonna hound your ass until you get out there. This guy really wants to help you.
Recommended Posts