Crestfallen_KH Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I feel so unbelievably undateable. I signed up for eHarmony. I thought I might get rejected but I wasn't - though I only got 2 viable matches. The thing is that I'm undateable to the great majority of men. I'm 34, no children, and I don't want children. I also have zero desire to start a family and I don't want to be a step-mother. I know that makes me undateable to the great majority of men out there who would even fit the other criteria I have (single, attractive, smart, around my age, etc.). To make matters worse, my ex-husband (who also didn't want children) walked out on me (for someone who does) and my ex that I broke up with just a few weeks ago is now dating someone who "makes him so happy." I refuse to compromise what I want - if my heart isn't into raising a family, it simply isn't, and it's not negotiable. But I'm trying to accept that I'll probably be single for a long time, if not forever due to my lack of desire to breed or be a surrogate mom. I don't know, I guess I'm just having a pity party. It seems like my exes have moved on right away, and I can't get past the first date, even when I can find a guy I want to date in the first place. I know, "he" may be out there and it may take years to find him, but I'm painfully monogamous and not into casual sex and it takes so much for me to really feel "connected" to someone. I'm just reconciling that I have to accept the truth that I was scared to accept in my early 20s - I'm just going to be alone. And while that isn't a prison sentence by any stretch of the imagination, I loved being in a relationship, I love monogamous sex, and I miss it. It just sucks.
splintered thing Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Same here--don't have kids, don't want kids. Just add another ten years to get used to being undateable. It's far from a prison sentence; quite the reverse, actually, to be free to love and care for the people who matter in your life without having to own any of them. Flying solo is really pretty darned good. Sure beats spending all your time waiting for yet another passenger with way too much baggage and an unfortunate tendency to get distracted by all the other gates until finally getting lost somewhere down in Concourse C. Besides, this way you can have all the little packages of in-flight peanuts you want without having to share with anybody.
Geishawhelk Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 OK, break out the bubbly. I'm dating a guy I met in 2004, when I was 47. I split up from my ex after 22 years of marriage and 2 relatively grown kids. Understand this: Whilst you think you are setting yourselves up to unattainable standards, you are doing the same to the guys. Providing you're honest, cut no possibility out of your lives. Don't be specific about what you want or don't want. Be general. Then, if the R gets to being promising, discuss matters important to you. At your age it's unlikely (if you haven't had children) that you're going to start now. Any sensible guy with a head on his shoulders is going to get that.
mark982 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 can't figure out why you say you're indateable. alot of men don't want kids either, and the baggage,drama that's goes w/ it.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Thanks for the comments, but I've decided I shouldn't be dating anyone right now. I need to learn to grieve these relationships alone, without some male security blanket. I think if I get through this last hurdle then I'll be more open to whatever does or doesn't happen as far as my romantic life goes. Pity party over.
rchrd881 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Crest, hang in there. There are childless-by-choice men out there (including myself) and I've met quite a few over the years. Do you live in a small town? All of the ones I've known have lived in urban areas...
Zapbasket Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 At your age it's unlikely (if you haven't had children) that you're going to start now. Any sensible guy with a head on his shoulders is going to get that. Geishawhelk, you usually say such great stuff. But this I disagree with vehemently. At 34 these days, it's completely normal, at least in the Northeastern US where I'm from, and even here out west (US) where I moved last summer for people at 34 to not have children but still want them. I'm 32 and in a promising relationship, but even if it all goes perfectly, I don't think I'm going to push to have children right away. Lots of friends my age are either single or in relationships, and most want children eventually, but aren't chomping at the bit to have a baby yet. Crestfallen, there are plenty of men out there who will love the fact that you're a woman who doesn't want kids. Chin up! Give yourself time to mourn, as you say, and perhaps you'll come out of that tunnel feeling much more positively about yourself and your prospects
rchrd881 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 I know quite a few women around here who have planned (or have already had) kids in their late 30's. A good idea? Not for me to decide!
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