Still Trying Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I'm in a relationship with a lovely young woman who's company I truly enjoy. We've been dating for almost 5 months now. Our interest levels towards the other person aren't equal and I know that I care for her more than she cares for me. I'm confused because part of me wants to wait and see where the relationship goes and part of me is of course very scared of being hurt and would rather bail now before investing more time. I have honestly never waited so long to tell a GF that I loved them before, yet I'm hesitant to express myself fully because of course that fear of being rejected. I've dated people that I wasn't really that into and yet I stayed with them for longer than I probably should have because I wanted to see if my feelings for them would change - they never have. That's the fear I have. I feel like I'm on the opposite end of this unbalanced "love" and I'm not used to it. I know that she cares about me, and that there could possibly be a potential for her to love me in the future, but I get the feeling that she would not share the words with me. It bums me out. I know I'm more interested in her simply because I do not like being away from her and she certainly requires a lot more "alone time" than I currently need. I do try to lead a balanced life and I have outside interests from this relationship but I will admit that this relationship is probably the most exciting thing going on in my life right now. She has a huge well of friendships that she maintains diligently, work, other projects and I often feel left out and I don't want to feel jealousy for her time but I certainly feel that way, and more often than I would like. I realize that I am partly just not used to feeling rejection from a significant other, I want to get over this yet I'm not sure that her actions or feelings are all that normal. Some more precise details include our time spent together is 90% on the weekends when it's convenient for her. The time we see each other during the week is generally brief and almost never an overnight experience. I'm not including sex in this discussion because I'm completely satisfied in that department, and in fact she almost puts a bit too much importance on it and I wonder if that's all I'm good for sometimes. Like she gets her kicks from me and spends just enough time around me afterward for me to stick around! Ok, that's not really fair at all, but I have felt that briefly with her in the past. Is that normal for other people? For me it's still too little time to spend with someone you care about. I think it's a balancing act with me right now - I want to try to pursue this relationship because I really do care about her. I feel like I need to get over these feelings by myself, of course I'm coming across as being the "needy guy" and I am the needy guy, but on the other hand I've had relationships in the past that had nearly the same level of mutual interest especially in the beginning. Sort of like a "If you don't love me by now" scenario? I'll kill this entry with a few more specifics and people can call me crazy or normal, or probably somewhere in between. We spend on average 3 days a week together, meaning that the other days I don't see her, period. We do talk everyday on the phone and send a good night text if we're not with the other person. She has said that she "doesn't want an intense relationship right now" - can someone candidly translate that for me? We are in an exclusive relationship. She knows that I'm in love with her even though I have not said these words to her, I have said that I want to be loved as much as I love and she knew that I was talking about our relationship. When we do spend time together we get along pretty well. Sex is earth shattering. I like all of her friends. We have a lot of mutual friends. She is extremely supportive of my personal passions. I guess I'm just left feeling a little lonely while still in a relationship a lot of the time. Half of me feels like I'm being too needy, the other half doesn't care and just wants to spend more time with the person that I care most about. As always thoughts and insights are appreciated!
LovieDove24 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Hmmm. Well I wouldn't say you're overanalyzing. You're at a point in the relationship where these questions are bound to pop up. And you are right about your position of "liking her more." If you feel that its probably true. I've been in that situation more times than I care to admit, and when I feel it I'm always right. Anyways, that doesn't mean this situation is hopeless by any means. Three nights a week is plenty at this stage in the relationship. It may seem like not enough for you right now ONLY because you feel like you care more. If you felt the same level of interest, and were seeing each other the same amount, I'm guessing it would sting less. The only part of this equation that concerns me is the part where she says she doesn't want an intense relationship right now. What does that mean? I'm guessing one of two things. 1) She feels pressure from you to spend more time together and is trying to keep a healthy distance by saying this. It's indirect communication. Not the best because it leaves you slightly guessing. 2) You're just an option to her. I think you need to have a frank conversation with her about this. Ask her to give more detail into what she meant by not wanting too "serious" of a relationship. Does that mean plenty of free time? Someone to just have fun with and not talk about/deal with serious stuff (i.e. family problems, hardships), or more or less a fu$k buddy?
dwightl Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I think it's a balancing act with me right now - I want to try to pursue this relationship because I really do care about her. I feel like I need to get over these feelings by myself, of course I'm coming across as being the "needy guy" and I am the needy guy, but on the other hand I've had relationships in the past that had nearly the same level of mutual interest especially in the beginning. Sort of like a "If you don't love me by now" scenario? I don't think you're overanalyzing.. in fact, for me it's normal. If you dated someone you don't love, you won't be afraid to loose because there's no risk (being rejected). I suggest you speak to her about it. Don't think the negatives. Think positively! It works.
calazhage Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 It does not only seem like the lack of time spent with her is an issue, it seems you are not feeling secure. Especially when she says she is not "ready for an intense relationship". And I do not blame you. It does not seem like things will get better for you. Maybe the 2 of you have a different idea of how to be in a relationship.
Author Still Trying Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 The only part of this equation that concerns me is the part where she says she doesn't want an intense relationship right now. What does that mean? I'm guessing one of two things. 1) She feels pressure from you to spend more time together and is trying to keep a healthy distance by saying this. It's indirect communication. Not the best because it leaves you slightly guessing. 2) You're just an option to her. I think you need to have a frank conversation with her about this. Ask her to give more detail into what she meant by not wanting too "serious" of a relationship. Does that mean plenty of free time? Someone to just have fun with and not talk about/deal with serious stuff (i.e. family problems, hardships), or more or less a fu$k buddy? thanks for the responses. Her and I have already had more than one serious talk about this and I feel as though if I continue to bring it up it will continue to do more harm than good. She knows exactly how I feel. I think you're right about your two points - I had been and probably am still putting pressure on her to spend more time with me, and that I am probably just the best option for her currently. While I think I'm certainly more than just a **** buddy for her I'd like to get closer to her on an emotional level but she won't let me. I know that her away time from me is very important and so I'm really trying to decide if I should learn to deal with the jealousy and feelings of rejection or if I'm going to just not be able to deal. Part of me realizes that I should just be keeping myself busy doing my own things, I could be doing a much better job of that. Don't think the negatives. Think positively! It works. Very simple advice that I can appreciate. Thanks! It does not only seem like the lack of time spent with her is an issue, it seems you are not feeling secure. Especially when she says she is not "ready for an intense relationship". And I do not blame you. It does not seem like things will get better for you. Maybe the 2 of you have a different idea of how to be in a relationship Well you're right about me not feeling secure but spending more time with her would probably help those feelings I think! Yes, trying to decipher what she means by not having an intense relationship is probably what's been bugging me the most. You're probably right, I think that ultimately we probably do have a different idea about how a relationship should be. I know she has been in live in situtations with at least one other man, maybe she's gun shy now because that ended suddenly for her. Here's another little scenario on how our last weekend played out: Friday night, too tired to hang with me. Saturday I work all day and we went out to play afterward - great times, had a lot of fun at a great party, went back to her place to spend the night. Sunday I normally do a pretty typical guys day out on the mountain bikes, it's my one day a week where I can get up with my friends and play for more than an hour or so. I decided to spend it with her instead since I had been feeling like our time together was getting more and more precious and I know she was very appreciative of me doing that. We ended up spending the whole day together and I knew quite well that she would be done with me shortly before dinner. She mentions having dinner plans with a mutual friend and when those plans fell through I asked if she'd like to have dinner with me - she actually laughed and quickly changed the subject. Upon driving me back to my car (carpooled on sat because of drinking) it was a quick goodbye and me driving back to my apartment feeling a little under appreciated and sad. Now yesterday she rescheduled with our mutual friend, this is a co-worker of mine so my GF stops into our business frequently to see us both. Of course I'm in a situation where I'm not supposed to feel jealousy, I'm supposed to just roll along with this but I'm having a really hard time not feeling this way. Here I am wanting nothing more than to spend time with her and she's making these great plans with dinner, and hanging out afterward, none of which include me at all. Keep in mind I understand the need for seperate activities but I just feel like I'm supposed to pounce whenever she offers her time to me and accept it when she doesn't. Doesn't feel really fair right now. Here's some of my thoughts on how to handle her (I'm going for one week at a time), I'd love some more opinions. Any way I have two totally and sepperate ideas and they require energy from the opposite ends of my emotional spectrum. I'm thinking of simply pulling completely away from her this week. Normally we get together around mid-week and I'm thinking about just being "busy" instead of seeing her. I may keep this up for a few weeks depending on her response. The second idea is that I stop being so scared about rejection, and since I'm seemingly so sure about her feelings towards me, it shouldn't sting too bad. Basically I've wanted to tell her that I love her for awhile, I've really been biting my lip. Is this too soon? Are things supposed to just feel right when you're saying this? In the past I've had no issues expressing my love for another but with her I'm having a tough time telling her this. Oh boy, I think I'll probably pull away from her quite a bit. I've been giving her exactly what she needs and I need to take that away from her for awhile. What do readers think? wishing relationships were easier sometimes!
DavidH Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 you can't pull away forever "I love you" ... Tell her that you feel alienated sometimes, lack of appreciation.. that you want to move on with her but just can't because the reciprocation isn't there. maybe you're just infatuated, you crave her companionship and you're looking past her flaws of intimacy - if you guys are exclusive for so many months, I don't know why she wouldnt want to express desire for the ONE man in her life. you can't love someone that doesn't want to be loved. does she want to be loved? If she's unsure about you for this long of a time, then move on and find someone better. Maybe she just has issues expressing regular affection, or she thinks that it's obvious how much you guys like eachother and shes just being 'cool'. Honestly, you guys have been together for so long.. then again, maybe shes fearful of clingy commitment? Maybe tell her that you've loved her for a long time, and it doesn't change anything, but you just want to be able to tell her? that it's just about you expressing yourself? That might eat away at you if she doesnt reciprocate for a while... but I'd probably drop the LOVE on her soon, back away verrry slightly, see what she does without you getting emotional or overanalyzing things for the next couple weeks. just dont pressure if shes just not into it, if she feels threatened or something... why waste your time. On the other hand, you could be gaining if she feels the same way.
calazhage Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I know exactly how you feel.. I went through 1 month of that, and I could not handle it. Basically you must be free whenever she is free, and then you think of her all week long. Then of course, she might cancel, etc. I can't imagine 5 months of that. I know what you mean to. Every girlfriend I had we would spend days together doing nothing at times. This last one I was with it was always seemingly on a set schedule. Just as you said. It seems your woman might want to control, or is just emotionally unavailable. I guarantee IF she does hang out with you more, it will not last long, and she will feel resentment towards you. She just does not want a boyfriend that she has to be available to.
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