AgentSmith2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Here's the situation. Xgf broke up with me the beginning of Dec. The details of the story are explained on my other thread here. Until the beginning of January we had limited contact. Then I did something relatively crazy, in my heartbrokeness and desperation to get her back, and she cut off all contact. This past Friday, I sent her an email apologizing for what I did, explaining to her what I've done to change (a lot of counseling, self improvement courses, etc) and asking if we could be friends. She replied that she forgave me but that she didn't think it was a good idea to be friends. She also said she knew it would take a long time for me to heal from what happened to me in mhy past. I know the last impression she had of me was that I was clingy and needy, trying way too hard to be "the one", and even almost crazy clingy. She said that I had everything, except for the one thing she needed: belief in myself. She said if I had that, I would be unstoppable and every girl would want me. So, I was determined to improve my confidence. I've been going to counseling, talking to a pastor, I went to two confidence-building courses, hanging out with friends, getting relationship counseling, etc. I've seriously done A LOT. And it has genuinely helped A LOT. Most of my problems with confidence stemmed from being bullied a lot as a kid. I was a quiet kid. The counseling I received totally changed my perspective on how I looked at my past and myself. Cuz seriously, I've got a lot going for me: deep faith in God, very good looking (have modeled...get told all the time I look like Christian Bale), great friends, very smart (went to one of the best colleges in the country and did very well there), very nice, courageous (have flown in combat in Iraq and Afghanistan), great job, adventurous, nice house, creative, artistic, great body, etc, etc. Seriously, the only thing, and it's a BIG thing, that I lacked was confidence. And now, I feel like I'm probably at least 75% better on that front. It's hard to believe, even for me, that 30 or so years of lacking confidence can be turned on it's head so quickly, but the courses and counseling I've gone through are designed for quick and permanent changes. I was very skeptical, but it works. BTW, one of the courses I went to is called the Landmark Forum. Google it. It's amazing! My question, then, is: since my xgf and I don't have any contact and we're not physically around each other at all and our social circles don't overlap at all...how do I show her that I've changed? I know that I could easily hook up with other women if I wanted to. However, there is something extremely special about this lady and I love her with all my heart. Would love to hear everyone's opinions, esp CalifGuy if you don't mind.
BCCA Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 She said if I had that, I would be unstoppable and every girl would want me. Youre making a common mistake in assuming that what she told you during the breakup was the whole story. I can assure you it was not. This is also a very nice way to let someone down, and not look like a jerk, so keep that in mind. I have a pretty strong feeling CaliGuy is going to tell you that you cant control what someone feels or things, and if she wants you back, she'll come back - plain and simple. And chances are, in 2 months, you havent changed as much as you think.
LostLamb Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I am in a similar situation but I know my ex has new person now and i'll never see him again. You could get back in touch with her but she has probably moved on by now
cek Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 AgentSmith2009, your story is rather similar to mine. If you are interested in reading parts of it, check out my thread "Been to counseling, now what?". I also started one about getting out of the just friends zone, though there hasn't been much feedback on it recently. Like you, I had huge confidence issues, which also stemmed from school bullying. I was mercilessly bullied due to a physical impairment. Ironically, my guy has the same condition. However, we are affected quite differently, and I am actually less disabled by it. Equally ironic, although it impaired him more physically, he had less teasing and no bullying because of it. We also have very different family backgrounds. His family is very affectionate, and his parents have a wonderful marriage. My family is not openly affectionate at all (except between women and children) and almost every "couple" is divorced, or were in unhappy marriages. From a very young age, I was told that men are horrible, unreliable liars, and that I should be independent and have nothing to do with them. What did I end up doing? I fell in love with my first boyfriend, the one I'm trying to reconcile with. My family's belief is the "more fish in the sea" philosophy. I don't necessarily believe one has to "keep fishing" all the time. I believe I "found my fish", although my family does not agree and would prefer that I go out and date more. I haven't dated anyone besides this first guy. Anyway, due to the attitudes, poor advice, and poor examples I received as a child (not to mention the bullying) I believed I was incapable of being loved. As a result, I unintentionally gave off the signals that my intentions were only for friendship, which my intentions were for much more. Any time he told me he loved me, or even complemented me in any way, I brushed it off. I would tell him he didn't mean it, or that he was joking. In school, guys would tell me they liked me or thought I was pretty as a way of making fun of me. Eventually, he felt that I only wanted friendship, and ended the relationship. I too sought guidance counseling, and have made great progress as well. I no longer feel incapable of being loved, nor do I fear rejection as much. Before, I never would initiate any affection, for fear of rejection. Ironically from my own boyfriend who claimed to love me! Now, I would be happy to initiate affection. It is difficult as we do not get to see each other very often. However, he does know that I love him, which is something I never would have admitted to before, again for fear of rejection. He and I are not on NC, and are in fact great friends. We have further discussed the details of my past, and he now understands why I reacted the way I did. He apologized for hurting me by ending things. And has on several occassions, mentioned possibly reconciling the relationship. Nothing has really happened thus far, and I too am not sure how to show I have changed. I often wish that he and I could have those same conversations and encouters again, because I know I would react very differently. Ah, if only it were that simple. I wish you good luck in resolving your issue. My best advice is to follow your instinct. If you are interested in reading my thread, you are more than welcome to contribute. And, congratulations on the confidence building.
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