sunshinegirl Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Just as I was preparing to close out my on-line profile and take some time off from the dating scene, I got an email from a pretty interesting guy. We've exchanged a lot of emails in the last two weeks, and we talked by phone last week for an hour and a half. I have hinted a number of times that I would like him to initiate phone calls and suggest a plan for getting together, but for some reason he keeps putting the ball back in my court. I don't get it, and I'm getting irritated by it. Should I just put it out there, directly? "Hey, otherwise-interesting-dude, I really appreciate a guy who takes initiative and makes a plan. I feel uncomfortable when I am put in a position of being the 'driver' at this stage of getting to know each other." Any other suggestions? And - is this any kind of yellow flag, or does he just need some gentle coaching? He's 41 if it matters.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Just work your plan. Your plan was to take a break, so do it! If he calls, great, if he doesn't fine too. Why are you doing things you would prefer not to do for some guy you haven't even met?
Author sunshinegirl Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 Huh. Good question. Here's why: he seemed quite different from anyone else I'd seen on Match. He sparked my interest in a way no one else has. He seems like a grown-up - he's a pilot and runs an alternative energy company when he's not flying. (I like that kind of adventurous, entrepreneurial spirit.) We have a bunch of stuff in common. I was enjoying our exchanges until recently. It's clear he wants to meet me, I just don't get why he's being so overly accommodating / passive when I specifically ask him to make a plan. I sort of like the idea of just following my original plan... but how do you suggest I tell this guy? After all, if he would step up to the plate, I would be interested in meeting him. (And if he doesn't work out, THEN I am taking a full-on break from this.)
Girlygirl1977 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 He honestly doesn't sound worth it. You have been talking for a long time and still haven't met? I think meeting up sooner than later is better - you are already getting attached and you dont eve know if there is any real life chemistry. I would do what curiousnyc said - walk and if he is for real, you will hear from him. You shouldn't have to tell him to make a plan etc. He sounds like a doer anyway if he is an entrepreneur so there is apparently something holding him back. Cut bait and walk.
Author sunshinegirl Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 He honestly doesn't sound worth it. You have been talking for a long time and still haven't met? I think meeting up sooner than later is better - you are already getting attached and you dont eve know if there is any real life chemistry. I would do what curiousnyc said - walk and if he is for real, you will hear from him. You shouldn't have to tell him to make a plan etc. He sounds like a doer anyway if he is an entrepreneur so there is apparently something holding him back. Cut bait and walk. When I say he keeps putting the ball back in my court, this is what I mean: Me: I'll be out of town next weekend but I could definitely get together the weekend of March 7-8. Care to make a plan? Him: March 7 or 8 is fine. I know you have a busy schedule so we'll work it around that. I am open to any suggestions you might have. I can meet you for dinner somewhere during the week if you don't mind me smelling like grease and looking terrible! Or, I can make myself somewhat presentable and we can do something on the weekend. Pick your poison! Either way, I'm looking forward to it! He's done that a couple of other times too. So it's not that he's being wishy washy about wanting to meet me, it's that he seems to want me to specify the where/when - and he's not taking my hints to man up and MAKE A PLAN. And that's driving me crazy - I don't like being in the driver's seat. But then, is he supposed to read my mind? My friend argues he's trying to be considerate. I am wondering what is so difficult about suggesting Place A at Time B? We've been talking for 2 weeks after he sent me a very direct, forward first email -which I appreciated very much. I hate lengthy email exchanges myself, so it was me who suggested we talk by phone last week (which he immediately said I had 'read his mind' because he was just about to suggest that). If I "walk" at this point, what would that sound like? I don't think I could simply go radio silent on him, since just this afternoon I said I was gung ho to meet him.
melodymatters Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I don't know, I think honesty is the best policy ESPECIALLY if you've got nothing to lose ( like in this case) Just spit it out: " I'm not sure how I feel about dating and relationships at this stage,I was thinking of taking a break, but you seem like a really cool/interesting guy, lets just take the bull by the horns and meet for a drink, what do you say ?" If you're on a dating site, it's not like you can be THAT coy anyway, so just either meet, or move on. That way you won't wonder or have regrets, you gave him a shot....
Author sunshinegirl Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Melody, that's the thing. I pretty much DID suggest that we get together. *I* suggested we talk; at the end of our conversation last week he said "so how do you want to play this thing?" (buzzkill!) (but that's when we decided to meet) We were supposed to get together yesterday, in fact, but we never specified a plan because I got violently sick Friday and was down for the count all weekend. What I'm reacting to is this very weird passivity / lack of ability to make a plan even though his interest is otherwise obvious and strong. That's why I asked in my first post if I should just outright tell him I'm uncomfortable being "in charge" of making plans.
Girlygirl1977 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I guess Melody is right you have nothing to lose so it's a bit different. Pick a day and an activity and get on with it. After that if he is still not a plan maker etc. (and you can mention it), then perhaps walk. This way you won't have any regrets.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 See now had he given me those options I would have said something like "hmmmm I'll take a suprise evening on the weekend for $300 Alex" and see what he comes up with.
Author sunshinegirl Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 See now had he given me those options I would have said something like "hmmmm I'll take a suprise evening on the weekend for $300 Alex" and see what he comes up with. Hey, that's pretty good! Makes the point without being a Debbie Downer. If he doesn't deliver on THAT, over and out!
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