serendipity_2008 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I am 21 yrs. old and recently decided to try internet dating because i was not getting a lot of prospects here on my college campus. After talking to numerous guys via the dating sight.. one guy messaged me and we connected instantly. The only problem was that he was quite a bit older than me. (12 years older to be exact. He is very kind and him and I have been talking via internet, phone and webcam for about 2 months. Our conversations ranged from, life in general, to discussions about his ex wife as well as issues about his recently widowed mother. So we finally set a date to actually meet and prior to that I voiced my concerns to hm and told how i was very nervous and hesitant to meet him. So today was supposed to be the day that him and i met, and i texted him last night and i expressed my fears and jokingly said " i hope you are not going to try to have sex with me, bc i will sooo lose all respect for you." I was playing with him, since him and i have a playful friendship. So i get a text later saying. "I'm over it." I didn't understand what he meant, and woke up today expected him to drive here to meet up. So i called him bc i was wondering what was taking so long, and he was like I am so over it. I was like what do you mean. He never answered my ?. He then said that it was going to be an uphill battle trying to prove himself to me and that he is not a bad person and is tired of paying for the mistakes of my past bf. Which in a way I can see what he is saying bc I have brought up numerous things about how bad my ex treated me and i have been exceedly cautious about him just wanting me for sex, due to the fact that I am still a virgin. So I have kind of said some back handed comments. I was overwhelmed bc i thought everything was going great and he never seemed to be peeved in the past if i said something or questioned him. Then he gave me the speech about how he really likes me a lot, and how things are not supposed to be so difficult. So I asked where did he want to go from there and he was like u don't understand me.. i really like you and know that you are a wonderful a person and I really want us to have something special together. So we arranged plans again to meet up Wed. What is going on here???? He said that he would call me tomorrow and i noticed on the dating site his profile has been deleted. is he playing a mind game or was he seriously offended by the comment I made?
BCCA Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 The text sounded kind of accusitory and paranoid. Now, is it even ok to kiss you or give you a hug, or is that going to be viewed as trying to get some action? And NO ONE wants to be used for sex, but asking about it beforehand doesnt stop it from happening. He could re-assure you until the cows come home, and make you think thats not who he is, but as soon as your panties hit the floor -he could be gone for good. Thats the risk you take, and asking for a guarantee that it wont happen kind of makes things awkward. He could just feel like youve labeled him a player, and he is going to be fighting against that for the forseeable future. Or he could have just been looking for sex, and was over it when it wasnt going to happen. No telling. You havent even met this guy right? Well, meet him in public Wed. and see what hes about. Email/texts are hard to judge.
Girlygirl1977 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I personally feel that the age gap is too big. 12 years can be ok maybe if you are at least mid-twenties or at least out of college and working. I just feel the whole thing will be an uphill battle because you are at very different stages of your life. I mean you just be came a legal drinker and many of his friends are even married. Ok go and meet him but the whole thing seems not quite right. I think I would even feel better about it if you met in real life. I feel like on the internet a 33 year old man who specifically found a 21 year old girl is basically looking for young girls. I may stand corrected of course. . .but i think you should look closer to your age.
Author serendipity_2008 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 Thanks for the advise everyone. I will not call or initiate any conversation. I will let him be the one to do this. I was just surprised bc i got up this morning, getting glammed up thinking that he was coming and when it turned 2pm and he still didn't show up, i knew something was up. First of all he is in a different state and then i was surprised bc i thought he could at least inform that he wasn't coming. The whole.. "i'm over it" response doesn't really so very much, and if i was bothering him so bad, why didn't he say something while i did this. Ahhh, this is so confusing.
gopher Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 You called him on his plan....so he bailed...simple. My question for you is how flirty/sexual had you guys gotten in text and the like? And webcams many times can lend people to take pieces of clothing off....so, were either of you revealing a lot of skin?
Author serendipity_2008 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 You called him on his plan....so he bailed...simple. My question for you is how flirty/sexual had you guys gotten in text and the like? And webcams many times can lend people to take pieces of clothing off....so, were either of you revealing a lot of skin? Hi Gopher you ask a lot of great questions. First and formost him and I never got sexual on cam. No clothes were removed and i did not do anything inappropriate. Actually him and i's preferred method of comm. was via the telephone. I wanted to see him on webcam to be for sure that he was the person he claimed to be. About a month of us getting to know each other, I told him that I was a virgin and i want to move slow. I tell most guys this from the beginning bc I feel that it is good to be honest about this. That way I am not leading them on. His response to me being a virgin was not bad. He told me that he would not rush anything and whether it takes 6 months or 6 years he was willing to take things slow bc it's a one time time thing and that i should be sure. So our conversations have not really been racy. Now he has made some comments about him being physically attracted to me, but nothing over the top or extremely racy. I was just shocked to wake up this morning to see his profile removed on the dating sight. I am just confused as to why he didn't tell me that he was upset over some of the comments I had made in the past. I can't read his mind.
Girlygirl1977 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Your last piece of information makes me say it again - look for someone closer to home and your age. You are a virgin and really I dont think you need to be with a 33 year old guy who is likely pretty experienced and excited to "pop your cherry". There just seems to be a strange dynamic given your stages in life now.
BCCA Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Your last piece of information makes me say it again - look for someone closer to home and your age. You are a virgin and really I dont think you need to be with a 33 year old guy who is likely pretty experienced and excited to "pop your cherry". There just seems to be a strange dynamic given your stages in life now. I kind of agree. It seems odd to me that a 33 year old man is interested in a 21 year old girl for much more than sex. Seriously, youre just on totally different wavelength's in life right now. Also, you could find someone closer to home, and avoid this stuff.
sid3 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Right, this guy is among the 1% of the male population that doesn't mind waiting 6 years for sex. He is creepy IMO. I bet your instincts are telling you something just doesn't seem right. I don't care if you chat, email, or web cam for years, you can not honestly say you really like someone when you haven't even met them in person. No way, now how. He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear. At twenty one, you have more options right now than you'll ever have at any other point in your life. The age difference is a big deal. Not later in life, but at your age it is huge. I dated a girl I met in real life, same age difference and it was a total uphill battle even though we got along so well. Like the other posters have mentioned,your just at too different places in life at this time. I'd say don't meet him, after all he's so over it already WTF?. In the future, there is really no need to anounce your being a virgin to potential Bfs, there are a lot of other ways to determine if someone is only looking for sex. Just hearing that he is driving from another state to meet you has me thinking something is wrong. Be careful whatever you decide. Seriously.
fishtaco Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Not sure why he flipped. But he should have been more clear if he wanted to cancel. The "I'm over it" thing is pretty unclear. That whole you being overly cautious thing or whatever is just an excuse to cover up whatever real reason to why he lost interest. But why is never important. The important thing is he's outta there, so you should be outta there too. I've said many times before that most women are psycho and not worth dating. Well, men too. That's definitely a red flag. That's just how it is, internet dating or not. Welcome to the party. So think of this as you dodged a bullet. Move on. You're only 21, you're in college, it will be the easiest time and place for you to find guys and start relationships or whatever it is that you want. Seriously you don't need to go online. Even if you're exclusively looking for older men, you still won't need to go online. As for age, it's actually pretty common for women in their 20's to date men in their 30's. I don't see any issues here. Men in their 30's tend to be more stable and have found a place in life. Women in general are attracted to that stability. And of course women in their 20's offer youth. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t179135/ Gender wars can be fought about why things are this way, but it doesn't change the fact that this is just how it is.
dwightl Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 that was just very vague! saying I'm over it and not showing up? guess it's a blessing in disguise that he deleted his profile. not your loss! there are lots of great guys out there.
voldigicam Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Probably better to find out about his way of dealing with conflict now. Many men aren't particularly gentle. Dealing with women who have had bad experiences takes some gentleness. My SO I met after she had been raped. Takes a good deal of patience and gentleness to get through that kind of thing. But it isn't impossible. Or he may have really solidly gotten the realization of how young 21 is! I would, were circumstances appropriate, hang out with someone 20 for a bit, but I wouldn't date someone that age. At 54, I suspect about 33 would be a rock bottom minimum at the most extreme.
Author serendipity_2008 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Thanks for all the wonderful advice you guys. I just really don't want to let this one go. I know that for the past few weeks that I have been overly cautious and he just texted me that he is tired of justifying himself but he is still interested in meeting me simply because he cares for me. I am trying my best not to be too naive but in all honesty we have not really gotten into it alot. This was really the first time something like this happened. I guess I am hesitant to completely let go bc we really did have great conversation and people consider me mature for my age, so it was so refreshing to talk to a man who could actually converse about more important matters, besides what's on tv and other trivial stuff.. I recently got out of a really sh*tty relationship and if you read my pasts posts you would see why I am so scared to 'trust again.' I can honestly sit here and admit to saying things along the line of showing that I didn't trust him etc.. but I am thoroughly surprised how he would be so vague about the entire thing and not go off until the last minute. I even asked him if he thought it would be best if we did not communicate and he mainly kept repeating that he did like meand that he does still want to meet me bc he wants something more.
Author serendipity_2008 Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 Hi everyone, I just thought I'd give you a little update on this guy. I still hadn't heard from him and he was supposed to call me on Tue. so we could discuss our plans of meeting up on Wed. Yet he never called. So I didn't want to seem too desperate so I waited and finally decided to text him tonight. I asked him what happened and he responded nada. Then I said you didn't call so i am assuming you no longer want to converse and I told him that I'd leave him alone if that is what he wanted. (i have been through a relationship were everything was long and drawn out, so i'd rather come to the conclusion of are we or aren't we so i can start moving on) Any who he replied ease up i have some things going on and i texted him that i wished him the best of luck and he responded simply by laughing. I finally said well why is that funny. I told him that I would back off and leave him alone. Now he hasn't replied. So my question now is that if i should take the ease off as meaning back the f*ck away from me and move on or shoudl i still give him time. The reason the whole.. "some things going on" bothesr me is bc when my last bf had things going on, that was when he started to emotionally detach from the relationship and when it became pure h*ll to even get him to call and we broke up soon after. I asked him if it was me and he promised over and over that it wasn't and he finally broke up with me, but he did it in a way in which he did something that he knew would hurt me and i reacted by saying someting very harsh and that's when he broke up with me. (so he planned it) That's off subject, but how should i read this. Should i continue to wait on him or just move on. I am just so surprised how everything took a turn. A wk before we were supposed to meet he told me that he was having issues with his mom and her invading his privacy, and in a way she takes advantage of him bc of her husband's death. During this time he was acting a bit strange. So all in all what should I do now? I seriosly doubt that he is married bc i have his house phone number as well as the cell.
gd26 Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 He sounds seriously screwed up... kinda jaded and cynical, almost like he has been in too many relationships and has some pent up hostility towards women. I know this is tough for you to walk away from someone you are into, but if I were in your shoes... I'd cut my losses and not respond to a single text or email or call from him from now on. You are much better off without this creepy guy in your life. You are young, and will have plenty of choices in men. Don't waste your youth on this messed up guy who will only bring you heartache. You have so much more to offer, and some great guy who adores you and doesn't play mind games will see that. Good luck!
gopher Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Truthfully...while he pretended to be the new sweet, understanding, caring b/f....all he really wanted was to f**k you...I know that sounds raw, but take it from me, the way he acted after you reminded him about your being a virgin and not wanting to have sex, was a dead give away about his character. It's a very good thing that you never met him in person, I wouldn't trust this guy at all! You'll find someone that is a bit closer in age and life experience, and honestly that's what you need at this point.
Author serendipity_2008 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 Truthfully...while he pretended to be the new sweet, understanding, caring b/f....all he really wanted was to f**k you...I know that sounds raw, but take it from me, the way he acted after you reminded him about your being a virgin and not wanting to have sex, was a dead give away about his character. It's a very good thing that you never met him in person, I wouldn't trust this guy at all! You'll find someone that is a bit closer in age and life experience, and honestly that's what you need at this point. Thanks. Although it was blunt, I just have to work on myself and make better decisions. Thanks for giving me your opinion on this. This will be another lesson for me unfortunately.
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