Truly Lost Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I've written about my situation with breaking up with my ex on here a few times so I won't go into detail about that. I just wanted to reflect on the feelings I still have for him. Its been about a week shy of 2 months since we split. I saw him a few weeks ago (he was paying me back some of the money I loaned him) and it tore me apart. I held my composure while he was around, maybe got a little teary eyed, but was as calm as I could be. I told him that I missed him, but he said nothing to that. After he left thats when it really hit me. All the horrible heart wrenching feelings I had were back. I lost my appetite, cried sporadically, couldn't sleep, etc. It took a week before I could get back to normal. It killed me to not be able to be with him romantically anymore. His being cold to me didn't help. It actually pushed me away. I spoke to him later that day and told him I can't see him again and to either send the payments to me in the mail or put them in my mailbox. I don't need to be around for him to pay me back, like he originally wanted. He agreed to this arrangement and added nothing to our conversation. For those who don't know my situation, I will say that our break up was more of a mutual situation. He was happy and I was not. But I don't think he wanted to tie me down any longer if he couldn't make me happy. He actually told me the night we broke up that he thought things were going great. I thought to myself, "he is out of his freaking mind." I think he felt it was out of his control. A little background on him, he was previously married, now divorced, and has two children from that marriage. The problem I had was his terrible paying job, bad credit, child support, and complete inability to put anything into our relationship, financially (and more recently, emotionally). He seemed to have little regard for my happiness, that or he is an extremely selfish person. Those things really hurt me and were the basis for many of our arguments. He kept saying he was going to work on making me happy, but those were just words. Everything would go right back to the way it was, once the smoke cleared. Just for the record, he wasn't horrible to me, just our relationship was going nowhere fast. I wasn't getting anything that I wanted out of this situation. A relationship takes two people contributing, not just one person, being only myself. I know he is no good for me, but we've got a really big attraction to each other, or maybe its just on my side and I'm diluting myself into thinking he feels the same way. I just don't understand why I can't snap out of the feelings I have for him. He can't make me happy or do anything for me that would be typical of having a relationship with someone. We were together for a year and a half and never once did we discuss moving in together. I wanted to, but was waiting for the right time, but that never happened and it didn't look like it was going to because of his bad credit and financial restraints. I'm angry that he can't give me what I want in a relationship. The best kind of relationships are the ones where you both have good chemistry, you know, the strong desire you have for one another. I had that feeling with this guy almost instantly when we met. I still have strong feelings for him. Why do I have these feelings for him when I know he can't be that person for me. I wish he could be. I'm so disappointed in him and really scared to meet anyone else. This experience has made me really bitter. I'm still struggling with acceptance.
stace79 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I understand totally how you feel. My bf and I have been going back and forth pretty much our entire nearly-three-year relationship. I love him very much, and I know he loves me, too, just in his own way. We have different ideas about love, about life and the world in general. Even though I love him, I feel like he's probably not the right person for me. And this is why we have so many problems/fights. I want to live an active life and I'm very social and outgoing. I'm ambitious and want to be financially successful in my career. He is happier spending a lot of time at home. He can be extroverted, just not like me. He is ambitious, but material things aren't at all important to him. He's registered democrat, I'm republican (for the most part). I grew up with a very strong Christian faith; his parents made him go to Catholic church but he never really believed in that. He is very much in to alternative medicine; I'm not. Yet, he has a lot of health issues, and therefore I feel like I'll always be taking care of him. I feel like I am choosing between my love for him and the life I really always envisioned myself having. The list goes on and on. Anyway it's gut wrenching. We lived together for over a year, but I had to move home with family because of being laid off. So we still are "together" and see each other frequently, but we both have discussed this ad nauseum and are considering breaking up. I wish I hated him, because then it would be easy to break up and move on to the life I believe I really want and deserve. But we have such a connection and neither of us wants to say goodbye. I wish I had the answers, but I am here to talk!
MeMyself&I Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 TrulyLost and Stace: Wow!! combine your two men together and you get my Ex that I recently broke up with. TL--I am dealing with almost EXACTLY the same situation. My Ex is divorced, he has children from his marriage and is very bitter about it. His job is not that bad but he does have bad credit (but the money stuff was not a problem). He is unable to display affection verbally or physically at least in public (and we know as women and men that affection in the bedroom cannot always be interpreted as love/affection). We talked and he would try to be better at it but it did not last. He is very introverted--liike Stace's ex and would rather sit home all day and play video games or work on a project. This was okay with me but usually if I was around when he did these things it was as if I wasn't even there. All the second-guessing I had to do emotionally drained me and I wasn't good for anything else that needed my attention. I broke it off withhim a month ago and miss him like crazy!! The sad thing is that once I broke up with him he FINALLY showed me how much he cared and I had hurt him. Ugh! TL--I too ran into my Ex--twice now. Once I tried to tell him how I felt and wanted to try to work it out. (not even a week after the break-up) It was way too soon. He wouldn't even look at me. The last time was last friday. We have a lot of mutual friends and he was out with his friend who dates my best-friend (it really sucks). I tried to initiate a little small talk and he would answer back as briefly as possible and never initiated any talk with me. OUCH, that really hurt. I went home and was totally depressed the rest of the weekend. So I know how you feel. My boyfriend too told me during our break-up conversation that he was giving me all he could right now and that obviously he couldn't make me happy and it wasn't enough for me. The chemistry is obvious between us. When we were in the early stages of approaching each other to date again (we have a really long history and had dated 2 yrs before with a long break in between this last dating attempt). Our friends would say things like "you guys need to be locked in a room and either duke it out or just ***k each other" (sorry a little blunt but that's how it was put). He is the best lover I have EVER had. It hurts to know I will never hold him, see him, talk to him and that somebody else will or maybe is filling that role. Like you TL the thought of meeting somebody else (and for me being intimate) scares me and seems wrong to me at this point. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm here if you need to talk. It sounds like our situation is failry similar. I know you've heard that time heals all wounds and it's rather cliche. But I believe it is true. I hate the thought of not having him in my future. I hate that I lost his friendship. But as you and I have both seen.........it is painful to see them at this point and sets us back.
IcemanJB Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Often times it seems both people still have lots of feelings/chemistry even when they break up. My breakup was mutual (or so she says...it was mostly her), outside things just wouldn't allow the relationship to continue; I won't get into details. Through the course of the breakup, and even months afterwards she admitted she has really strong feelings for me still. She did this when we randomly ran into each other at a bar one night (both of us were sober). I've never had chemistry as strong as this with any other girl before - I remember every intricate detail of the first kiss so clearly. But I guess it takes more than strong chemistry for a couple to stay together. I suppose I'm writing this just to let you know that you're not the only one splitting, while still having strong feelings for one another. It sucks. Sometimes things are just out of the control of the couple.
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