Author Dexter Morgan Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 I posed this question to my WS after D-Day. He admitted he would divorce me immediately. Which still kind of pisses me off. Talk about a double standard....he was allowed to get away with it and expected you to forgive him....but he wouldn't forgive you if you did. Maybe you should have said, "well, then that makes you a double standard bastard....expect to be hearing from my attorney"....and then see if he gets frantic.
Author Dexter Morgan Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 How come no actual WS's responded to this post? Didn't like the stirring it caused inside? I guess not. I think alot of WS's, like 2sure's, are thankful that their BS's forgave them and gave them a 2nd chance, but would have to be honest and say that they wouldn't give a 2nd chance if their BS came to them and told them they evened the score:cool:
pkn06002 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I guess not. I think alot of WS's, like 2sure's, are thankful that their BS's forgave them and gave them a 2nd chance, but would have to be honest and say that they wouldn't give a 2nd chance if their BS came to them and told them they evened the score:cool: No you know why WS's like me do not respond to these threads, there is no point to it. The discussion will just degrade into how evil people we are, so what is the point. Me personally I would try to work it out for our child.
LovieDove24 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 PKN, I do agree there is a great deal of degrading going on in these boards when it comes to cheating spouses and OW/OM. Somehow people assume that they themselves are less of sinners in this world. I have never cheated on anyone myself, but I also believe one sin is no better than another and that we all are guilty. Sh$t I got pregnant out of wedlock and the man ditched me. If that ain't a kick in the pants on learning from sin, I don't know what is. But I obviously had to learn that one for myself. People need to remember that life is learned through mistakes. Aside from that, I also find it counterproductive to spit venom because you are putting the poster on the defensive. You're hoping to snap them out of it but in actuality you're forcing them to put their guard up and in turn, ignore your true insight altogether. There are a few posters on here that I just skip over reading altogether because of this. I think questions like these WOULD be really interesting to read though if WS'S actually felt comfortable enough to let their guards down. Shame that they can't.
Author Dexter Morgan Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 No you know why WS's like me do not respond to these threads, there is no point to it. The discussion will just degrade into how evil people we are, so what is the point. Me personally I would try to work it out for our child. Not true. I'd be very interested to know how you'd respond if your BS suggested that they be allowed to have a few nights out and get pleasure with someone else as a way of evening the playing field. Again, I most certainly DO NOT believe in this, but am curious if WS's would end up going nuts if they knew their victim was out there getting their juke on with someone else after what you did to them. And I don't see anything about my post, to which you responded, that degraded 2sure's H...other than saying he has a double standard going on....and thats not degrading...that is a fair assessment of the situation.
2sure Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Oh yes, agreed - a double standard. Unfair. But like I said previously - "An Eye for an Eye" such as having an affair myself or simply divorcing.... Cliches are just that...not rules to live by. Crisis and tragedy happen, life is not fair. I'm no martyr and I dont feel like a doormat but , after looking at our marriage and within myself I was able to say: Nobody died. We can through this. Quid pro quo was never seriously entertained - although I agree the double standard is an irritation.
kaly6177 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Not true. I'd be very interested to know how you'd respond if your BS suggested that they be allowed to have a few nights out and get pleasure with someone else as a way of evening the playing field. Again, I most certainly DO NOT believe in this, but am curious if WS's would end up going nuts if they knew their victim was out there getting their juke on with someone else after what you did to them. And I don't see anything about my post, to which you responded, that degraded 2sure's H...other than saying he has a double standard going on....and thats not degrading...that is a fair assessment of the situation. Dexter, My response was complete silence. It was very painful and it felt like life was being drained from me. As of this morning, H and I went to our scheduled MC, I found out that he did sleep with the OW a couple of weeks after he and I started our MC. And yes, my husband and I have A LOT to work on. Did I go crazy, no. I have no right to be. Did I cry, yes. Only because he wouldn't have done that if I didn't do the cheating first. I also found out this morning that he is still very much in contact with the OW outside of their workplace (phone calls, text messages, email). I didn't ask him to find a new job as I didn't feel it was my place to make any requests or demands. And I still am not going to ask him to find a new job or stop what he is doing. I truly believe that I have lost any place that I used to have in our marriage once I started the relationship with the OM, even if it started out as a friendship. I just think it is best if he makes the decision to stop the relationship with the OW on his own. I'd like for him to want to be in this marriage and am not going to force anything that isn't going to work out. But yes, to know that my husband was with someone else, had sex with someone else, is a pain I am currently unable to explain to anyone.
Spark1111 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Dexter, My response was complete silence. It was very painful and it felt like life was being drained from me. As of this morning, H and I went to our scheduled MC, I found out that he did sleep with the OW a couple of weeks after he and I started our MC. And yes, my husband and I have A LOT to work on. Did I go crazy, no. I have no right to be. Did I cry, yes. Only because he wouldn't have done that if I didn't do the cheating first. I also found out this morning that he is still very much in contact with the OW outside of their workplace (phone calls, text messages, email). I didn't ask him to find a new job as I didn't feel it was my place to make any requests or demands. And I still am not going to ask him to find a new job or stop what he is doing. I truly believe that I have lost any place that I used to have in our marriage once I started the relationship with the OM, even if it started out as a friendship. I just think it is best if he makes the decision to stop the relationship with the OW on his own. I'd like for him to want to be in this marriage and am not going to force anything that isn't going to work out. But yes, to know that my husband was with someone else, had sex with someone else, is a pain I am currently unable to explain to anyone. Kaly, How honest of you and because I have felt it, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling now as a BS. Some posters here, who have been in exactly your situation, have commented that they had absolutely no idea the pain they caused their BS, until they became one. I applaud your honesty in admitting as much. Did it change the way you view the role of OW? From when you were one to now having one in your life?
Author Dexter Morgan Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 But yes, to know that my husband was with someone else, had sex with someone else, is a pain I am currently unable to explain to anyone. And this is a pain I think all WS's need to feel. But how can one show that kind of pain, as a BS, unless they become a WS themselves? Oh the need for revenge always seems sweet, but its the kind of revenge I'd never partake in. Do not misunderstand...this is not a reply to rub it in. I truly wish there was a way for a WS to feel what the BS feels....but don't condone cheating in any way...even in revenge.
kaly6177 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I truly wish there was a way for a WS to feel what the BS feels.... No I don't think there is a way for a WS to feel what the BS feels or goes through, unless they too become a BS. I know that my H was hurting, but never really knew the actual pain he felt until I heard him admit today that he did sleep with his co-worker. Did it change the way you view the role of OW? From when you were one to now having one in your life? I don't honestly know what to think of the OW right now. I just know that she came at a time in my husband's life when he was very hurt and betrayed by his wife, and she gave him the attention. I do however do not like the fact that she confronted me just a few minutes ago saying that she liked me very much until I cheated on my husband. She doesn't know that I know what is happening between them. I did however reply, "Well, isn't that nice of you to call me out on my dirt. Perhaps your husband would want to know how caring and loving you are towards my husband in his time of need?" I know I shouldn't have said that, but she caught me off guard
NoIDidn't Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Not a WS, but wanted to chime in. My H gave me *one year* to do it and get instant forgiveness. I turned him down on the one year option and told him I never gave him permission (OR a time period in which it would be acceptable, LOL) so I don't need his should I ever decide to cheat. He knows me to be one to call BS on double standards and dropped it like a hot potato. If I did have one, it wouldn't have been to hurt him back - it would have been so that I could feel whatever ego stroking he was getting but wasn't giving me. Oh, and he also said that I could only have an EA since that was what he did. Again, I called BS. It wasn't my fault he got busted before he got the goods. (sorry if my humor is not well received, I'm pretty much over the EA and able to laugh about it but understand that not all are there)
pelicanpreacher Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Not a WS, but wanted to chime in. My H gave me *one year* to do it and get instant forgiveness. I turned him down on the one year option and told him I never gave him permission (OR a time period in which it would be acceptable, LOL) so I don't need his should I ever decide to cheat. He knows me to be one to call BS on double standards and dropped it like a hot potato. If I did have one, it wouldn't have been to hurt him back - it would have been so that I could feel whatever ego stroking he was getting but wasn't giving me. Oh, and he also said that I could only have an EA since that was what he did. Again, I called BS. It wasn't my fault he got busted before he got the goods. (sorry if my humor is not well received, I'm pretty much over the EA and able to laugh about it but understand that not all are there) Oh does the worm squirm at the slightest prick of the hook!!! :lmao:
Lizzie60 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 What's good for you is also good for me.. a lot of people think that way.. but in reality, it's a different story.. Women are a lot more forgiving about cheating than men are.
NoIDidn't Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 What's good for you is also good for me.. a lot of people think that way.. but in reality, it's a different story.. Women are a lot more forgiving about cheating than men are. LOL. Yeah, that's true. I remember telling my dad (the former serial cheater) of the exchange between me and my H (my dad is the that said my hub was probably cheating - he would know right?). Dad told me that if he were my H he would divorce me because no woman of his was going to sleep with another man and come back to his bed. I told him, be glad you aren't married to me then because that double standard BS doesn't fly with me. I just know that if I did take him up on his offer, it wasn't to hurt him. He knew that too. I've already spoken here about the state that my marriage was in. It was hurting. Not limping along but definitely hurting. I wanted that validation too. But I decided it wasn't worth it for my kids' benefit. I still feel that way. Adults have to take their lumps. Its not fair to the kids to be in a family that's unstable because of infidelity/ies.
Lizzie60 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 But I decided it wasn't worth it for my kids' benefit. I still feel that way. Adults have to take their lumps. Its not fair to the kids to be in a family that's unstable because of infidelity/ies. I think this is the ultimate sacrifice for your children.. I know a lot of women would do it.. I thought I would stay with my first ex for the sake of my son.. (there was no cheating involved) but I didn't have the strength to continue.. I sacrified my son in a way.. and I agree with you.. it's never fair for the children..
NoIDidn't Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 But I decided it wasn't worth it for my kids' benefit. I still feel that way. Adults have to take their lumps. Its not fair to the kids to be in a family that's unstable because of infidelity/ies. I think this is the ultimate sacrifice for your children.. I know a lot of women would do it.. I thought I would stay with my first ex for the sake of my son.. (there was no cheating involved) but I didn't have the strength to continue.. I sacrified my son in a way.. and I agree with you.. it's never fair for the children.. I know my H would forgive me if I cheated. Given the guilt he feels for hurting me and betraying my trust in that way, I'm pretty certain I'd be forgiven - provided I didn't go out of my way to disrespect him or involve our kids in some way. But I am not sacrificing my happiness for my kids. Far from it. My kids benefit from a strong marriage and family unit. I just don't want to put them through the upheaval caused by infidelity once its out in the open. And my H agreed. Seeing the kids affected by his EA was humbling for my H. My kids are too young for a conversation on infidelity, but they knew mom was having difficulty functioning and that dad was distant. I would never put my kids through that again. I'm confident my H wouldn't either. But you are so right. Many women do choose it because we consider the emotional health of our kids more than men do up front and in general. Its not surprising that you feel the way you do and there was no infidelity. Those are always the hardest cases for parting ways - when people feel like you have no *good* reason. Infidelity is seen by most as the ultimate of *good* reasons to separate.
Author Dexter Morgan Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 I know my H would forgive me if I cheated. Given the guilt he feels for hurting me and betraying my trust in that way' date=' I'm pretty certain I'd be forgiven [/quote'] What if he never cheated in the first place? You think he'd forgive you then? As far as Lizzie's comment, I can't say anything with regards to women being more forgiving. But as a man, I can say, for myself, cheating is unforgivable.
pkn06002 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Not true. I'd be very interested to know how you'd respond if your BS suggested that they be allowed to have a few nights out and get pleasure with someone else as a way of evening the playing field. Again, I most certainly DO NOT believe in this, but am curious if WS's would end up going nuts if they knew their victim was out there getting their juke on with someone else after what you did to them. And I don't see anything about my post, to which you responded, that degraded 2sure's H...other than saying he has a double standard going on....and thats not degrading...that is a fair assessment of the situation. I am not referring to this thread specifically, that is splitting hairs to try and say you don't know what I am referring too. In general this site it like all sites where WS and BS mix, where BS take their anger and hurt out on WS that post. WS just don't see the point in getting into the discussions/arguments. There was a reason I have not posted for a few months. I have read enough of your posts to know what perspective you come from. Frankly I have think you do have a pretty healthy idea of how you handle situations. You do have a clear definiton as to what is a deal breaker for you. So back to the discussion, me I would not actively invite the "you have a free pass". If my wife decided to do a "tit for tat" fine. What I mean by fine is the rub, our "relationship" would be over for all practical purposes. I would continue the marriage for our child but I would no longer be intimate with my wife that part of the relationship would be over. Why would I not end the marriage because of the emotional, relationship with my child and financial changes it would create. Double standard sure I will admit that. Now here is a thing to throw in as well. If she cheated because of issues within the marriage and not a "tit for tat" I would try to work things out. The revenge idea of "tit for tat" would end the relationship for me, that kind of hate is not something I would be interested in working with.
Author Dexter Morgan Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 So back to the discussion, me I would not actively invite the "you have a free pass". If my wife decided to do a "tit for tat" fine. What I mean by fine is the rub, our "relationship" would be over for all practical purposes. So let me get this straight. I take it you are a WS. Fine, it is what it is. So the "relationship" isn't over since you were the one that cheated, but you wouldn't give your wife the same consideration if she had done the same? I would continue the marriage for our child but I would no longer be intimate with my wife that part of the relationship would be over. Why would I not end the marriage because of the emotional, relationship with my child and financial changes it would create. why not? I don't think my children would want me to be unhappy. You only get one life. And now my bond with my children is just as strong, and the only financial situation that sucks is my x-wife's. She has custody, but if something ever happened to where she clearly can't take care of them, they always have a good home to come to with me. Double standard sure I will admit that. Now here is a thing to throw in as well. If she cheated because of issues within the marriage and not a "tit for tat" I would try to work things out. The revenge idea of "tit for tat" would end the relationship for me, that kind of hate is not something I would be interested in working with. So your type of cheating is morally superior to revenge cheating? I understand what you are saying. I think revenge cheating is a *****ty idea from someone who should be better than that.
pkn06002 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 So your type of cheating is morally superior to revenge cheating? I understand what you are saying. I think revenge cheating is a *****ty idea from someone who should be better than that. Morally superior??? No just deal breaker for me since a revenge affair demonstrates a different level of premeditation and hate. Especially if it comes out as "you did it so I can too". What is there to build on if that type of "tit for tat" starts? Where does it end? With my child being young the idea of not being there everyday is something I cannot mentally do. With an older child my decision making may of been different, who knows.
Author Dexter Morgan Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 Morally superior??? No just deal breaker for me since a revenge affair demonstrates a different level of premeditation and hate. Especially if it comes out as "you did it so I can too". I can buy what you are saying here. What is there to build on if that type of "tit for tat" starts? My take is what is there to build on after one partner cheats in the first place? With my child being young the idea of not being there everyday is something I cannot mentally do. I felt the same way. But in the end, I couldn't be with her. I couldn't pretend to put on a happy face about living with her.
pkn06002 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 My take is what is there to build on after one partner cheats in the first place? You have a point and that is your deal breaker. There is a reason I see you having a health notion of what ends it for you. I felt the same way. But in the end, I couldn't be with her. I couldn't pretend to put on a happy face about living with her. I understand this and struggle with it everyday. We all cope in different ways.
pkn06002 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 So let me get this straight. I take it you are a WS. Fine, it is what it is. So the "relationship" isn't over since you were the one that cheated, but you wouldn't give your wife the same consideration if she had done the same? Dex let me add one more thing to this. I asked my affair partner if our affair was revenge for the two her husband had. If she would've said yes I would not of continued with her.
Author Dexter Morgan Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 Dex let me add one more thing to this. I asked my affair partner if our affair was revenge for the two her husband had. If she would've said yes I would not of continued with her. What if her husband had not cheated on her.....what then?
lostsoulmate Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 I felt the same way. But in the end, I couldn't be with her. I couldn't pretend to put on a happy face about living with her. Couldn't live with here for what she had done years ago?, couldn't live with her because she lied for so many years? or couldn't live with her because she was cheating again?
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