lkjh Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 You are going about this all wrong. You barely know her friend and think she is being honest with you. Just think about the position that lady is in..............H asking questions but she needs to stay loyal to her friend. Second it seems like everything she told you benefits your wife, like your wife is some kind of victim. Do not seek information from your wifes friends. If they went out and got drunk like you said earlier you can pretty much bet that they at least kissed.
TrustInYourself Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Yeah she's going to come to her senses because you acted quickly and logically. You didn't validate her infidelity. You told her, okay, it's over. Even if you weren't emotionally prepared for it, you handled it like you were. You separated your heart from what you had to do. Now the question to ask is whether you are strong enough to trust her again and whether she deserves that trust. That's a decision only you can make. I think it's good to talk to others and get some perspective on the situation. I would not allow that to influence my decision, but I think it's good to see the situation objectively. Who cares if her friend is lying. She cheated. That's obvious. Physical or emotionally, it doesn't change the fact that she cheated. No one is a victim. Victim is perspective. If there is a victim, it's the children.
toddro Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I dont know maybe I am just Jaded by my own experience...but this sounds pretty minor if you ask me. I mean..sex with Text? CMon...so what, I think thats pretty funny. I would laugh it off. I understand some of you may disagree, but my ex used to flirt with guys that hit on her right in front of me..I would laugh my ass off at her because she was a pro at chopping a guys nuts off. And even when she wasn't I would catch her sometimes checking out some dude...I would go over and get his phone number for her and embarass the hell out of her....ah yes those were the good times, Now its totally different of course, she finally decided to bang one of these guys after 8 years...but the point I am trying to make it is...I would try humor first...this shows you are not insecure about some silly text messages between a couple of adults acting like grade schoolers. Hell, if the deed is done (Sex) then do this one day. 1. Find out where the guy lives. 2. Get your wife to go out with you one day ( ask her if she is hungry) and find any excuse to go in his neighborhood. 3. Pull up in his driveway, get out of the car and walk over to her door. Help her ass out and then go knock on his door. When he answeres the door say " Here, this belongs to you now, it's hungry...might want to feed it and oh yeah..good luck." 4. Drive away and leave her ass there, with a dumb look on both their faces.
stone22 Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Lie detecter tests? Seriously. You've been wronged. But you need to look at this from a bird's eye perspective. Please unemotionally and OPENLY consider what you are about to read---- From the other side of the coin, and as a male who participated in emotional infidelity, it is likely that this is a 2 way street and the answer to this problem maybe so embedded in your relationship that it may take a while to uncover. In this instance you have been treated very unfairly and lied to. There is no excuse for that on your wife's part. What I wonder is what led her to establish a relationship with this guy? As wrong as this was and as mad as this may make you- there is a reason. This reason may or may not be your fault- but you must look at EVERYTHING. How do you treat her? I mean really-- how do you treat her? You mentioned twice in your post how you "got pissed" and went to bed. What does "got pissed" mean, and HOW pissed did you get? How often do you get pissed? HOW ABOUT HER? How does she treat you? Does she treat you in a way that makes you react in an unfavorable way? When I commited emotional infidelity, I did so because I didn't want to face the truth and because it was the path of least resistance. That was my own character flaw. Is this a possibility for your wife? Why was it so easy for her to give in? What happened to the glue in your relationship? Is it possible that you may have been unknowingly alienating her emotionally, causing her to seek the much needed intimate connection with someone else? What may be possible is this OM is a representation of what she would ideally like to have in her relationship, and may not be getting-- or know how to get. Is it possible that she had a poor marriage model growing up? How about you? I can imagine your pain only because I have seen the pain that my wife went though. I experienced the constant scrutinization, spying, and mistrust. Any form of mistrust- whether or not my wife felt it was justified-- pushed me away and plain pissed me off. One thing that I learned is that you CANNOT end your wife's emotional relationship for her. She has to do that, and she has to make the choice. Wouldn't you want her back emotionally if she CHOSE to be back with you, rather than feeling forced? That being said, you are in an unfair situation and kudos to you for calling her out. Kudos to you for offering a solution as well rater than being a dick. One more thing- it IS possible that she may not have physically cheated and it may be worth giving her the benefit of the doubt. If in fact that she hasn't, consider what it was in your relationship that kept her from doing so. Believe me- as a male who has been in your wife's situation and didn't physically cheat- there IS a difference and takes a great deal of self control. Regardless of how wrong the reason was for her cheating on you, there is a reason- and you BOTH need to find out what it is. BOTH of you MUST have an open mind if you want to stay together. Tried to be as unbiased as possible. Best of luck to you. Hang in there. Find some friends and don't say or do anything that you may regret later.
boldjack Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Dude, your wife is an alcoholic, lying, adulteress. Sorry, but there it is. Do you WANT someone like that? You need to man-up and take control. Tell her you will file and name the other man, if there is ANY contact. If you find ONE, then file. She has to have NO doubts, that you WILL do what you say. Don't worry about what friends or neighbors will think. A common mistake people make is to try to hide the problem. You should tell her that ANY contact and YOU will go to the school and tell her and his supervisors, and her parents and your parents and anyone who will listen. If she wants to wear the scarlett letter, make it as big and as red as possible. Understanding is done, time to fight for your marriage.
Gunny376 Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Your playing it right ~ make her earn her way back into the marriage, your life, your trust, the family. Sounds as though it may have been just an emotional affair ~ maybe even physical, regardless she betrayed a trust and continues to do so. I believe its a case of the former from what you've posted. Matters not? She was tempted and she ate the apple. Don't be so hard on her though, in that "attraction" and sexual attraction is largely hormonal and biological based. Societal and cultural conditioning aside, its as much a woman's "need" to gather seed as it is a man's need to sow it! The OM triggered her "attraction triggers in some way or the other, which is not to say your a failure as a husband, man, father. It was just something about him that triggered her attraction triggers? Its really pretty much sub-concious
theROICoach Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Emotional affairs are often more devastating than sexual ones so whether she actually had sex with the guy is irrelevant. Call a spade a spade. But, here's the thing. I could care less about her. I'm concerned about you. Anger, hostility, the need for revenge, bitterness, anxiety, all these emotions they're poisonous, not to her, but to you. They stay in your body and they manifest as disease. Basically what I'm saying is this: you need to forgive her, forgive yourself and let all this mess go, whether or not the marriage counseling works. The forgiveness is for you, not for her. You need to forgive yourself for being with her, for not seeing this coming, for everything you might be blaming yourself about in regards to your marriage. You need to forgive her for making the choices she's made, for hurting you, lieing to you, messing up your family situation. You need to forgive her so you can be free. So long as you hold bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness in your heart, you are turning the controls of your life over to her and she gets to pull the strings. Don't do that. Now I said forgive. Notice I didn't say forget. We teach people how to treat us and you need to remember what's gone down so you know who you're dealing with and you know how to deal with her. Can this relationship be saved? Yes. Do you deserve better than her? I'd say yes. Can you have a wonderful life without her? Of course but the choice is yours and hers. You see, to have a great marriage, it takes two people who wake up every day, look at each other, and are each willing to say, EVERY DAY, "I love you for who you are, where you are. I am committed to you and only you. I'm here to create the best relationship possible and to walk through life with you because I love you just as you are. Let's go on this enchanted journey together." Now that's BOTH people saying this EVERY SINGLE DAY. You can't create that type of relationship alone. You can't make that decision for someone. If your wife is willing to work things out and make THAT choice every single day, great! You've got a shot but if you feel like you'll be doing all the work and you'll end her jailer (watching her every move, making sure she's doing what she needs to) rather than her lover, save yourself the time, trouble and heartache and let it go. Bottom line: I love Maya Angelou because she said it best when she said, "When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!"
troubadour Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Emotional affairs are often more devastating than sexual ones so whether she actually had sex with the guy is irrelevant. Call a spade a spade. But, here's the thing. I could care less about her. I'm concerned about you. Anger, hostility, the need for revenge, bitterness, anxiety, all these emotions they're poisonous, not to her, but to you. They stay in your body and they manifest as disease. Basically what I'm saying is this: you need to forgive her, forgive yourself and let all this mess go, whether or not the marriage counseling works. The forgiveness is for you, not for her. You need to forgive yourself for being with her, for not seeing this coming, for everything you might be blaming yourself about in regards to your marriage. You need to forgive her for making the choices she's made, for hurting you, lieing to you, messing up your family situation. You need to forgive her so you can be free. So long as you hold bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness in your heart, you are turning the controls of your life over to her and she gets to pull the strings. Don't do that. Now I said forgive. Notice I didn't say forget. We teach people how to treat us and you need to remember what's gone down so you know who you're dealing with and you know how to deal with her. Can this relationship be saved? Yes. Do you deserve better than her? I'd say yes. Can you have a wonderful life without her? Of course but the choice is yours and hers. You see, to have a great marriage, it takes two people who wake up every day, look at each other, and are each willing to say, EVERY DAY, "I love you for who you are, where you are. I am committed to you and only you. I'm here to create the best relationship possible and to walk through life with you because I love you just as you are. Let's go on this enchanted journey together." Now that's BOTH people saying this EVERY SINGLE DAY. You can't create that type of relationship alone. You can't make that decision for someone. If your wife is willing to work things out and make THAT choice every single day, great! You've got a shot but if you feel like you'll be doing all the work and you'll end her jailer (watching her every move, making sure she's doing what she needs to) rather than her lover, save yourself the time, trouble and heartache and let it go. Bottom line: I love Maya Angelou because she said it best when she said, "When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!" It is ludicrous... simply ludicrous.
merlot Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Do you think that marriage counseling will help put things back on a good path for you and your wife? Are you both willing to hear things that may be difficult to hear and not throw up walls? It takes looking long and hard at the difficulties in the marriage that brought about the EA in the first place. EA's or affairs of any kind don't just come about overnight. Something lacking in the marriage has to set about the terrrible chain reaction. Only you and you wife know of the difficulties that you've both experienced behind closed doors. You both have ownership in getting to point that you are at now. She did the wrong thing, but what made her make that choice? Speaking from first hand experience here. I think that if you both are willing to go into counseling with an open mind, and the desire to really work things out, things may be salvagable. You may even come out with a stronger marriage for it if you choose to stay. It sounds like you still love your wife. But only you can make the choice to decide if your marriage is worth fighting for. In my experience, the EA came about only after me telling my spouse repeatedly I was unhappy many times before my EA began. I don't know if he was in denial, didn't think it was that serious, or what. All I know is once the door was opened to affections, attention, and caring gestures from another, my emotional cup was filled. It felt good. I wished that I was getting that attention and caring from my spouse, but it wasn't there even after repeated attempts and requests for it. I'm not saying what I did was right by any means, and a lot of people suffered from my choices to accept the attentions of another. In the end, it was not worth it to have caused so much pain to so many people. The only silver lining I have been able to find if there is one, is that now my marriage may come out stronger after a long process of both self examination, and examination of my marriage. This is all new to me too, and I'm trying to work things out with my husband. I love him and never stopped loving him even through the EA. I don't know if any of my words have helped, I just wanted to give you some perspective from the other side of the coin. Good Luck!
Shehe Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 My advise is to continue with counseling. This is an unfortunate situation where kids are involved. Tell her that she needs to grow up and become a responsible mother.
Author anubis08 Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 we are going to go forward with the counseling and see where it leads. She has actually been on here reading most of the posts. I guess the whole idea of coming on here is to get multiple views adn then pick and chose which ones are actually valuable. Its been a long week now, the time way gave me some time to gather my thoughts and not be quite so tied in knots. This is a bad way to go on a diet none the less. Im not sure what willcome out in the counseling. she says that she has some things that arent going to be nice to hear. evidently not to take blame from her but reasons as to why we are at this point. biggest for me is the fact that the boundries set forward have been crossed. Not sure how to deal with that as it just seemed to stop last week. Long after the boundrys were set on sunday of last week. they included going to the classroom twice, once on mon and once on tues. later in the week there was an attempt to email in which she later texted me and told me that they are blocked from talking. that to me sounded as though the emotional side still has not been severed. I dont have access to her work email so that would be the best option to keep things from me. Luckily it turns out that her employer is watching her closely. which could be trouble if they find that to be a problem. Im stressed, not eating well, and constantly tired. this blows.
TrustInYourself Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Address the negative, but focus on positive solutions. Coming back to the same old crap, just creates a feeling of resonating crap. That's my advice. You should listen, but you are not the one who is cheating. If there was a problem, she should have addressed it with you prior. Finding solutions and building on the positive in your relationship is not easy, if you are constantly focused on the negative. Good luck with your session.
Shehe Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I am glad to hear that you both decided to go with counseling. I believe it is a big step for both of you towards the path of saving your marriage. It shows comittements on both parts. It is not going to be easy or pleasant but as TrustInYourself mentioned you have to focus on the possitive and move forward. Good luck !!
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