anubis08 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 That title sounds so text bookish. She was screwing around is the bottom line. Just looking to see what others have to say. history, well have been together for 10 years in nov. Married for 6 and we have 2 kids. Oh yea we have the big house with big mortgage and the dog to go with. She started working in a classroom with a male teacher she had know for a few years because she worked as a nurse there. She has been in there since Jan and as you can tell things have progressed quickly. she says it started 3 weeks ago and it was just friendly coversation. Ill buy it, for now. Over the last week though things started setting off triggers in my head. Sex had been slow up to that point. still getting some though. we seemed to have more space between us. adn a few other odd things. Well Friday night she goes out with a girlfriend and comes home and the lies begin. 1. she was piss drunk, 2. she never made it to the place she said she was going.3. I go to bed early cause im pissed whatever. next day we have a full date and then go out that night with the same friend from the night before. More details emerge that were unknown. Again I get pissed and go to bed. Probably the best bet since I have been drinking. Sunday was the day the bomb hit. That mornign I see she has called her male work friend at 1130pm and 1245am. Enter the lightbulb. somethings not right. I go to get on the phone logs and the site is down all day. Shes telling me through arguments that she is unhappy and pissed and not sure what she want. we agree to counseling. I go to work at 3 pm adn get on the att site. The moment i pull up the data usage my heart exploded. There was over 500 texts in less than36 hours. I throw that in her face, I text the guy, bad move for future reference, and I now own the ball and the court. SHe comes clean that they had been talking, nothing sexual. Yea right. Monday rolls around and it finally comes out that they are having sex over text messages. It all started friday night and went on all day until he got a message from me. He showed his wife, they thought it was threatening and were gonna call cops. He finally comes clean to her. his wife calls mine and I can only imagine the conversation. I am devisated. Im pretty tuff when i need to be but i worry more about our kids. they dont need that mess in there lives. My rules were as follows. 1 she leave that job immediatly, 2 i have access to alll cell email and online accounts. 3 counseling, 4 no more drinking, i think she has a problem there to. Any advise would be great. My friends have already really come through for me which is great to see. Im not sure I can salvage whats left and not feel like a fool for staying with her. Im willing to do couseling but in the long run i know what people say behind you back. Another never thought it would happen to me story.
carhill Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 My rules were as follows. 1 she leave that job immediatly, 2 i have access to alll cell email and online accounts. 3 counseling, 4 no more drinking, i think she has a problem there to. <snip> Im willing to do counseling but in the long run i know what people say behind you back. Good boundaries. What do people say behind your back when you go to counseling?
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I can understand your devastation. I would be heartbroken just the same. From the outside looking in though, at least there was no physical infidelity; if both of you desire to work through this (that is the key), I am sure you both can rebuild the trust and strengthen your marriage so that there is no possibility for emotional infidelity to occur in the future. A great author on this subject is M. Gary Neuman. One of his titles is "Emotional Infidelity and How To Avoid It." another is "Affair Proof Your Marraige." I guess at least you found out now, rather than weeks from now after they were literally in each other's arms and eventually sharing more than text... Good luck, it will be a tough road ahead, but you can navigate it and restore faith in your marraige if you (and your wife) so desire.
Author anubis08 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 didnt mean that they would talk about going to counseling but more thta when we go out with friends if everything goes back then i feel like people will judge myself and her. probably shouldnt be concerned with that but its still a thought. thanks for the responses
2sure Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Wow. I dont know how you did it, but you have done everything exactly right so far. I dont know how many posters come here when initially faced with infidelity and dont understand how important those first steps, the steps you have taken are. What you have done is stop the affair - which as you know is not going to solve any of the problems previously exisiting OR any of the problems it created. BUT - stopping the affair creates the window your marriage needs to think about whats next, what you want, what you need. First, you have to make sure she quits her job, gets a transfer. They have to have NC. NC ensures they wont start again in any manner and gives you a start towards sanity.
Author anubis08 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 spot on thanks, she has already talked to her boss. They are working on a trasfer today. I made sure she did not go to work only to the principle. She didnt really get how serious i was originally about NC. She said she needed closure for the whole thing. I told her I already took care of that when the guys wife found out. The last thing she needs to do is look for closure with him. I said id go straight to file paper work if she crosses the line on that one.Threats might not be a good way of resolving this but i really dont have anything else. I will say most of my advise came from friends. One inparticular sat me down and laid out that plan. He also stated that going out and getting drunk will only hurt my cause as he has seen me a little over the top before. I will heed his advise adn keep as clear a head as possible
2sure Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Well, you not only have a good friend but a knowledgable one as well. All infidelities and marriages are different...but the way things happen and what needs to be done are all similar. Your friend seems to have first hand experience and you are reaping the benefits. So. As to what other think, I think I can help you here. You already have one friend with some experience in infidleity. From reading here on LS, you can see just how many marriages go through something like this - as well as numerous and various tragedies that affect every marriage, every life. That being said, I'm sure you know amongst your peers a couple that has suffered from alcholism, chronic unemployment, domestic violence, drug abuse, etc. No one gets away clean. Dont worry about it.
carhill Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 i feel like people will judge myself and her. Absolutely they will (judge you for going to counseling). They're judging you right now. The key is this provides an excellent barometer as to who your real friends and supporters are. That's healthy. You need support on this journey, just like that you've received from your friend. One day at a time. Make that counseling appointment today
Author anubis08 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 she already broke the boundry rule this am. When she went to work to talk to her boss she went and saw him for her so call closure that i said not to do. What they did was find out what details they each had shared. Turns out that the only reason she told me the texts were sexual in nature was because he told her to tell me. then she told me that she had to go in there to get her supplies which she still doesnt have. Not in the car or the house. I know what she took to work adn it takes a box to get it in and out. Now I know that she has to go back in there again adn the contact continues. I am at a loss now. I cant sleep, im so furrious i want to scream and yell at her but the only thing stopping me is the kids. I dont think she took me serious. I honsetly belive there was a physical encounter from this. Shell take it to the grave adn I dont know if I can get past not knowing. My job has me on call 24 hours a day and it is a saftey sensitive job. This is going to affect what i need to do. on a day to day basis.
lkjh Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 let her see how serious you are. Separate and require she take a lie detector test if she wants the marriage to continue
lkjh Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 keep a copy of the text logs, let her know that you do not believe her. Get separate bank accounts. If you are nice she will walk all over you. She has to see action otherwise nothing will change. Just realize this she will lie as much as she can, this is a defense mechanism.
lostsunsets Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 She broke the rule you laid out. Guess what? You now take her down for a polygraph test on her. Run info off of the internet set an appointment (or make her think you have one) get in the car. Before you start the engine she will spill the beans. Why? Because she does not want to answer questions. She would rather tell you that she screwed him then to have you ask her "do you love him" and have to answer that. Get up in her grill and tell her this is non negotiable. It will cost 300 to 500. Make her pay for it.
Lying eyes Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I feel your pain. Almost the exact same situation just happened to me a couple of weeks ago. The difference is I wanted to work things out and she wanted a divorce. She called and texted the guy hundreds of times, even while we were at the zoo for our son's birthday. She lied to me about seeing her friends when she was seeing him. I have the same evidence you have including knowing without a doubt they saw each other, andI am 95% certain she had a sexual relationship too. On the last issue, I like you, may never know. Some women have an uncanny ability to lie and manipulate, and will sometimes take cheating to the grave. My advice to you is to continue with counseling, but make sure it's someone who will challenge you. We saw 3 counselors before she cheated, and none of them had the tools to help our relationship. It's also up to you both to initiate lasting change in your relationship. I think emotional infidelity is never a valid answer, but question why she felt like she needed to seek emotional or physical caring outside of your relationship. In my book this would have to be a one-time event. She's going to act hurt that you want to review the cell phone records every month, or maybe even see her messages. Work out a plan with the counselor to rebuild trust. Tell her you want to trust her again, but she damaged the trust by doing what she did. Trust is not a given and must be earned. If, like you, she wants to continue your marriage, she has to earn your trust back. If she doesn't see it that way, then she thinks you're a gullable schmuck and she'll probably do it again. By the way, my wife just flew back to our apartment to get things packed up. She said she was intending to see him because they are just friends. I made her sign a contract he would not enter our house. Of course there's no way for me to know.
lostsunsets Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Polygraph! Polygraph! Polygraph! Polygraph! Polygraph! Polygraph! Polygraph!
urdone Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 What the hell is it with women and the 10 year anniversary...damn it, is it like the magic number to destroy mens lives or something!.
Author anubis08 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 SHe wants to work it out. I dont think she has it in her long term though. SHe was all trying to get me to hug here and s**t last night. I was like wtf get the hell away. Makes no sense. shes just looking to feel better herself about what she did. "Oh for F**KS sake What the hell is it with women and the 10 year anniversary...damn it, is it like the magic number to destroy mens lives or something!." great glad there is something in the water. I seem to have an easier time during the day dealing with this Nights suck, I may just stay at a friends house. Kids will understand cause i do it for work all the time. I wish I could make her ass leave. I feel like getting revenge. I dont think it would help and do only more harm, but it sure seems like a good idea at the time. I dont have time or the funds for a poly right now. It makes sense but the 500 bucks is a hard hit to the wallet in these tight times. kinda sucks
mark982 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 unless you stick by your boundries, she's just going to laugh at you. "well i broke 1 rule he didn't do anything". time to man-up.you don't like the way things are? sorry ones gotta go, and it ain't gonna be me.
lkjh Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Do not leave your house, this could be seen as abandonment of your property. Tell her you want her to take a polygraph and both of you need to save the money for it. Make her pay for part of it. just save and do it in a couple of weeks. Do not make excuses.
Geishawhelk Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Don't for goodness' sake stay together for the sake of the kids. It's better to be as honest as you can with them, and tell them mum and dad are going their separate ways, but they're safe, loved and cherished. Kick her out. She wants to go play? Hit the road lady.... And file. Show her you mean it. Serve her with papers. Now, what happens after that, is down to her......
lostsunsets Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 You don't have to spend the money. Just run the info show it to her and tell her you made the appointment. She will cave in. You can even come up with the list of questions and show them to her. Seriously. Just tell her that they don't care if she sees the questions. And it makes no bearing on the results. This will totally freak her out. Have you kissed him? Have you discussed the future? Have you lied to your husband about him? Do you love him? Have you had any kind of sex with him? Do you plan on seeing him again? Are you still seeing him? Have you had oral sex with him? Have you ever cheated before? These are some hard questions. She will dump the info. She does not want to be hooked up to that polygraph. Just show her the internet info.
troubadour Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 You don't have to spend the money. Just run the info show it to her and tell her you made the appointment. She will cave in. You can even come up with the list of questions and show them to her. Seriously. Just tell her that they don't care if she sees the questions. And it makes no bearing on the results. This will totally freak her out. Have you kissed him? Have you discussed the future? Have you lied to your husband about him? Do you love him? Have you had any kind of sex with him? Do you plan on seeing him again? Are you still seeing him? Have you had oral sex with him? Have you ever cheated before? These are some hard questions. She will dump the info. She does not want to be hooked up to that polygraph. Just show her the internet info. Lostsunset, I din't know how old you are but you are too naive regardless what your age is. She is going to answer NO to all these questions and inform anubis08 that she is not interested in taking a polygraph test. PERIOD.
seibert253 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 It doesn't seem she's taking you serious, so it's time to ramp up the voltage a bit. Pack her bags, and tell her she needs to find someplace else to live until she's serious about this, because you are. Restate your boundries and expectations and let her know if she wants to remain your wife she will abide by these, or the deal's off.
2sure Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Maybe its me. All of this "proof" gathering, like a polygraph test - is just not necessary, not emotionally or legally in my state (for divorce grounds). Each WS denies all & will not come clean. So, the BS tries to gather proof to present so it cannot be denied. If you know you have been betrayed - and this poster does - thats enough. Do not participate in the gaslighting. I had clues, but not black & white proof, and it was enough. He didnt come clean and it didnt change the facts. More proof would not have helped our recovery, nor made me feel any better. More proof would not have made him tell me everything. I wanted to know everything. Every detail. I got a lot. I'm sure I didnt get it all. And now that we are past it, I realize I didnt need more information. The betrayal, not the details, was the issue. Now, your wife has broken NC - your #1 Rule and the base you need to survive this. She broke it because she is still in an emotional fog (like it or not) and is truly not herself, and not making decisions. She hasnt committed to NC and she wants to make the marriage work. Apparently she is unable to make a decision in her current state. You know what happens when you dont make a decision: One is made for you. For right now, you have to treat your wife as if she is incapable of making her own decisions, let alone decisions for the family. So, you will do this for her, for the marriage, for the family. As far as you, the marriage, and the kids go right now: This is your world, she's just living in it. You dont have to be malicious about it, just businesslike.
Author anubis08 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Im gonna steer clear of a polygraph. Even if i didnt find out anymore there would still be questions. thats the bottom line. On a better note. I called her best friend who is a new adn recent friend, female. SHe just went through this exact same scenerio 1 year ago. I just met her last saturday and i felt as though being a strong christian woman and someone with a past history of this made her a good person to call to get some true answers. she broke it down like this. SHe said it started roughly 2 weeks ago, close to wifes story, said the guy was extremely agressive at pursuing her, not an excuse by anymeans, and that she was one hundred percent certain that it did not get physical. SHe did however say that within a week it would have. From what i have seen I have to agree. She apoligized and said her scenerio was different and her husband lied all the time, hence her divorce. she said she told my wife repeatedly that what she was doing was gonna end bad. SHe said she talked to her everyday and told her everytime that she will lose everything. That part was spot on with what my wife said. first true statement in 5 days, that i know of. that takes a little pressure off me as far as wondering. im gonna do the couseling next week and see what happens. her friend told me thta time was all that helped her. she she was gravely sorry this happened to me and it came to this. Now I get to leave for 4 days for work. That space should help me gather my thoughts. I hear bermuda is nice this time of year. thanks all. I ll be back in a few
Meaplus3 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 My rules were as follows. 1 she leave that job immediatly, 2 i have access to alll cell email and online accounts. 3 counseling, 4 no more drinking, i think she has a problem there to. First off sorry you are going through this. You know if she has a problem with drinking this probably is the most important thing to address first. Because if she's drinking all the time, then she's probably not thinking with a clear mind.. and getting herself involved in an ea or other risky types of situations are sort of common when one has an addiction. I think your list is a good one. Let her no what the rules are and make them clear. Best of luck. Mea:)
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