I need to deal with my insecurities as it ending my r'ship. Where do I start?

[D-1]

Hi all. Okay here goes...

I have been in a r'ship for a few months now and it's coming to an end as my insecurities are pushing her away even though that's the last thing I want to do. This seems to always happen so I really need to sort it out.

I'm in my late 20's and have had long and short r'ships. The partners I have usually have the same experience level as me. I have never cheated on anyone or been cheated on by anyone who I have cared about. Without sounding big headed I know I'm a catch due to getting alot of attention by females and also due to my kind heart. So it's not like if I get a partner I have to keep her or I will forever be single. But this current partner I actually like and I express this to her.

 

What are my insecurities?..

1) Well even though I trust her I always get nervous when she goes out into town with her friends. I keep imagining her bumping into one of her ex's and talking about old times and maybe igniting an old flame. I think it's more of a case that I don't trust guys trying it on with her. As I see that as a threat I would prefer it if she didn't go out. With every partner I've had I have hated their sexual history. I guess just I don't like the thought of it. Which I know is silly.

 

2) I really have trouble trusting people. For example I'm very secretive with people (average joes) but with my partners I'm as honest as can be. This one I'm with now is honest back. Sometimes though if she tells me something (maybe it's not particulally important) I will remember it. If that topic comes up again and I get a different answer. I then question why she said something else the other time (again it might not be important). Which causes her to get annoyed. Silly again I know.

 

I think my problems are something to do with family issues (being let down and having it tough) from my young childhood spanning over a few years that has caused me to be like this ever since. If I see something as a possible threat to me I try to eliminate it to protect myself but in doing so it hurts the other person. I was in a five year r'ship and still got silly about things then. Thankfully I've learnt from that and managed to always be able to communicate/talk about things rather than just shutting off (cavemen going into their caves - from 'men r from mars, women r from venus' book).

I know how I am and how I get is wrong/silly/stupid etc... but it is something I just can't help. Please has anyone else had this problem and beaten it. As I say I know I'm wrong and want to change to make my partner happy and in the end for my own sake. I really don't think talking to a counseller will help me (although I haven't tried that yet) as I'm too damn stubborn and it's too ingrained into me. I really think I need some sort of rewiring (such as hypnotherapy).

Please any suggestion/s on what will fix me???

 

Also one final thing. My partner did say she realised it wasn't my fault with me being like this and that she would help me through this and come with me to get help. Now she says she doesn't want me like this and I must seek help first. I see this as her giving up on me even I haven't actually been nasty to her ever. In fact I've been very good to her and never let her down. Maybe she just doesn't care about me enough. So my question is shall I pursue her as I know the problem is me or shall I let her go as she obviously can't be that into me as she is not willing to stand by my side while I correct myself. What is your opinion?

 

Thanks in advance.

[prettybaby]

Uhm, what is this thread?

 

You have basically written 5 paragraphs about how you really are an emotionally stable person who knows how to deal, and then you vaguely mention some trust issues. You didn't really go into detail about what it is exactly that ticks her off and pushed her to tell you to seek help. What happened for her to say that? Do you guys argue at all? If so, what is the context exactly?

[Geishawhelk]

......my insecurities are pushing her away even though that's the last thing I want to do. This seems to always happen so I really need to sort it out.

 

So far so good....

 

...... As I see that as a threat I would prefer it if she didn't go out. With every partner I've had I have hated their sexual history. I guess just I don't like the thought of it. Which I know is silly.

 

You know, of course that you have no right to dictate - or even request - this. It's your problem, not hers, you know that, yes....?

 

2) .....if she tells me something (maybe it's not particulally important) I will remember it. If that topic comes up again and I get a different answer. I then question why she said something else the other time (again it might not be important). Which causes her to get annoyed. Silly again I know.

This is very controlling.

You're testing her, and pushing her back up against the wall, keeping her on her toes, and it's grossly unfair.

You're her partner, not an inquisitor.....

.....Thankfully I've learnt from that and managed to always be able to communicate/talk about things rather than just shutting off (cavemen going into their caves - from 'men r from mars, women r from venus' book).

 

yes, but it sounds as if it has been purely for your benefit, and not for anyone else's. You're not building a relatiuonship on your honesty.

It's not getting you forward, because you're still stuck in mistrusting....

 

 

I know how I am and how I get is wrong/silly/stupid etc... but it is something I just can't help. ......

Bulls-hit.

Everything that goes on in your mind is for you to control.

This "I can't help it" bit is just crap. It's a great big cop-out.

Of course you can help it.

A thought is only a thought.

And a thought can be changed.

 

Just as you decide to go for a walk in the park, then you change your mind and stay in and watch the game instead - so you can change your behaviour.

 

 

I really don't think talking to a counseller will help me (although I haven't tried that yet) as I'm too damn stubborn and it's too ingrained into me. I really think I need some sort of rewiring (such as hypnotherapy).

Please any suggestion/s on what will fix me???

One, yes, you do need counselling, and two, the only thing that will fix you - is you.

Counselling will guide you and point you in the right dirextion.

It will help you get to the bottom of your behaviour, the origin and the source, by making you dig deep and siscover what you let manifest, and why.

 

You fix you.

Nothing else ever can, or will.

Get that through your head.

 

ONLY YOU CAN FIX YOU.

 

Also one final thing. My partner did say she realised it wasn't my fault with me being like this and that she would help me through this and come with me to get help. Now she says she doesn't want me like this and I must seek help first.

 

She's absolutely right.

She will stick by you, but only if you conscuiously do something to get help. She can't do this on her own.

And neither can you.

 

I see this as her giving up on me even I haven't actually been nasty to her ever. In fact I've been very good to her and never let her down.

 

Of course you've let her down.

You're saying you don't want counselling, and yet you want something to fix you.

That's letting her down, big time.

You think she should stick around whilst you do nothing? get real!!

 

Maybe she just doesn't care about me enough. So my question is shall I pursue her as I know the problem is me or shall I let her go as she obviously can't be that into me as she is not willing to stand by my side while I correct myself. What is your opinion?

 

Thanks in advance

 

Contact her and let her know you are going to go into counselling and stick it out until you rebuild who you are.

 

It's still up to her what she does, though.

You can't control her.

heck, you can't even control yourself......

 

Start with you.

Then, think of dating.

because right now, you're no good to - or for - anyone.

[D-1]

Thanks for your reply.

No we do not argue, we haven't once argued. Because I am not a trusting person I often quiz her on answers that don't match to answers she has given me previously. So I think me double guessing her has pushed her away and ticked her off.

She said when we first met what is the catch, why are you single?! I said that because I don't trust people I don't like to get too close hence why I'm still single, maybe I'm scared of being let down again as I was in my childhood.

The real issue is me and my insecurites. She is probably thinking do I like this guy enough to help him through it. I wouldn't blame her if she walked as it's only been a few months in.

Okay the real issue that I need crack/fix is me. I need to stop being controlling, untrusting, possesive etc... I have always tried to control things that I see as a threat to me.

Examples...

1) Don't want her to go into town as there will be loads of guys there that will try it on with her and I could possibly lose you.

2) I don't want her to have any contact (text, email, speak to) with any ex's and it will remind me of them being intimate together.

3) If she doesn't do for me what she has done for others then I don't feel like I'm number 1 and I get pissed off then shut off.

 

Basically I'm a control freak to protect myself from things I may not like. But in doing so I'm not making her happy and being a jerk.

 

I need to stop myself being controlling, untrusting, possesive etc... and have more peace within myself. People have told me I need to change and let my partners past sexual history go. They are right and I know this myself. But I just don't know where to start. I really do think I need rewiring as it's so ingrained into me.

[LovieDove24]

Also one final thing. My partner did say she realised it wasn't my fault with me being like this and that she would help me through this and come with me to get help. Now she says she doesn't want me like this and I must seek help first. I see this as her giving up on me even I haven't actually been nasty to her ever. In fact I've been very good to her and never let her down. Maybe she just doesn't care about me enough. So my question is shall I pursue her as I know the problem is me or shall I let her go as she obviously can't be that into me as she is not willing to stand by my side while I correct myself. What is your opinion?

 

Thanks in advance.

 

It is nobody's job but your own to find serenity and happiness. Period. When you enter into a relationship you should not be looking for how much happiness and joy that person can bring to you, but rather how much happiness and joy YOU can bring to THEM. You have to be the best person you can be in order to even attempt having the best relationship possible. Now with that being said, I can completely relate to your insecurity issues. I am now in counseling myself, dealing with some demons from my past. But I can tell you from experience, if you really are interested in your recovery and genuine in your pursuit for happiness you will find them both my friend. One thing I have found true for myself is that I often end up in insecure relationships so subconciously I can SWITCH the focus to dealing with issues surrounding THEM as opposed to dealing with the icky reality of myself. I project my insecurities onto them, and it becomes their issue too which isn't quite fair. But thats just something to think about.

 

Again though, it is nobody elses responsibility but your own. Your girlfriend should have never said she would "help" you to begin with. The only thing a partner can do in this situation is be patient and supportive. But they cannot change their behavior to cater to your insecurities... which is what it sounds like your GF started off saying...and then soon realized it was an unfair load to bare.

 

Want an example of "help" vs "support?" Help would be not going out drinking/dancing for awhile until you have come to a point in your therapy where you're ok with it. Help would be calling in frequently or constantly reassuring you that you have nothing to worry about. Help would be her rearranging any of her previous lifestyle to purely suit your needs. SUPPORT on the other hand would be her driving you to your therapist, her asking what youre learning, her asking how your day was and really listening, or her giving you non-judgemental feedback when you express your feelings. This is the difference between these two things. Ask her if she is willing to do the latter...tell her you wouldn't expect her to "help" with your recovery that you are the only one who can do that. See where she takes it from there.

[carhill]

IMO, you'll never change your intrinsic perspective within the relationship which identified it without professional help.

 

You're describing basic personality characteristics.

 

A competent psychologist is going to get into your relationship history and childhood. Do you want to go there? You'll have to, with an open mind, to "fix" it.

 

Personally, my first step of taking responsibility would be to end the current R on good terms, meaning positive ones, meaning I need to get this help for myself and, if what we have is real, it will stand the test of time and distance, and I can be the kind of partner to you I truly want to be and you deserve. Then, do it and enter therapy. No contact.

 

Fear is a potent motivator. You fear what I suggest. That's because it's important.

[Geishawhelk]

I'm just going to say this one more time, because you don't appear to be listening.

You Need Counselling.

 

You cannot be 're-wired' by somebody outside of yourself - you're not a computer, you're a human being.

 

The only person who can re-wire you - is you.

You need counselling to discover the source of your insecurities and trust issues, and then guidance on what to do to change what you think, say and do.

 

Let her go.

 

In your current frame of mind, you're not a good partner to be with....

If she wants to stick with you, great.

if not, you still need to get counselling, otherwise you'll just keep sabotaging every relationship you're ever in.

 

Got it now?

[LovieDove24]

Geisha is right. 100% right. If youd like to read some of my previous threads I statrted about controlling, guards being up, insecurities, yada yada...go right ahead. Im telling you from experience that you will continue finding yourselves in these types of pickles with every woman you date until the PROPER change is made. And no, that doesn't mean the girl. It means you. It doesn't matter if its this girl, or 5 girls from now. If you don't deal with your issues you're gonna be controlling--and frustrated--the rest of your life.

[D-1]

Hi all

Thank you for all your replies. They have been very informative. Geishawhelk my first reply was to 'prettbaby'. You must have typed your first message as I was in the process of my reply.

Thanks again.

[LovieDove24]

Umm thats not very informative D1. Quite honestly I'm interested since you asked for our help (in what sounded like desperation) what your next step is going to be. So what is it?

[D-1]

I will seek professional help as thinking this way is unhealthy for me and others. Myself and my partner care deeply for each other and she is eager for me to speak to someone as she knows it should correct me. I guess this is just part of life and me showing her I am willing to do something about it shows her that I realise there is a problem and I'm concerned enough to go and fix it. If the roles were reversed I would be by her side as long as she is actively making an effort to fix things. Everyone has their faults and this is mine but forgetting this I am a very honest, trustworthy and loyal boyfriend which is something she hasn't really experienced before. So we need to compliment each other on things as we will be good for each other.

[MotherGooze]

Yes Geisha is right. I have also been in a situation like yours, and I know it can be very hard for you. I didn't have trust issues, but a lot of fears that destroyed a perfectly good relationship.

 

Don't let it come that far. You need help, and even though you will have to do all the big steps yourself a therapist will point you in the right direction. It'll be a rought road, but if you really love this girl, it'll be worthed. And even if your relationship wouldn't work out, do it for yourself. It will make you a more happier relaxed person if you can overcome this.

[jadelil25]

I know how you feel as im an insecure person my self, due to being cheated on.

 

You need to relax and calm down. You have no reason to be like this. Take a minute out, breathe and relax.

 

Also go out with your friends and have some fun. This will take your mind off things and show that you are independant and have a life away from her aswell. Join a gym or some clubs.

 

Also concentrate on the positives and not the negatives. Enjoy the moment and enjoy the time that you have with her. Dont take things to seriously and just have fun together.

 

Give her space and let her have time with her friends this is important, friends are there no matter what.

 

Also maybe arrange something fun to do together, something that you will both enjoy and something to take the tension away. Show her that you can be fun.

 

Also think has she really given you any reason for feeling like this? By what you say she is not doing anything wrong.

 

Just relax and back off a bit. Cut back on communciation and let her do her own things. Also communicate - communication is important.

 

I am sure all will be fine. Just have fun and concentrate on the moment!

 

I hope this helps. Good luck!

[LovieDove24]

I will seek professional help as thinking this way is unhealthy for me and others. Myself and my partner care deeply for each other and she is eager for me to speak to someone as she knows it should correct me. I guess this is just part of life and me showing her I am willing to do something about it shows her that I realise there is a problem and I'm concerned enough to go and fix it. If the roles were reversed I would be by her side as long as she is actively making an effort to fix things. Everyone has their faults and this is mine but forgetting this I am a very honest, trustworthy and loyal boyfriend which is something she hasn't really experienced before. So we need to compliment each other on things as we will be good for each other.

 

Sounds like a plan, just don't let her become your crutch. That will ultimatly hinder the therapy process dramatically.