chuckza Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Hello all. Backstory: Dated a girl for two and a half years back in 2001/03. Started off as a long distance relationship (her in FL, me in Scotland) - then lived together for best part of 18 months in Scotland and the US. I then had to move back to Scotland (visa issues) and the relationship didn't survive the return to 'long distanceness'. Our split was amacable, though it still hurt us both. We kept in touch (though obviously not as much as before the split) and while difficult at first, we remained 'friends'. I have since moved on with in life, got married and now enjoying my second year of marriage. She is also now married and raising a family. Over the following years we exchanged a few e-mails about once a year or so and over the time as the pain of our failed relationship faded our mails became less guarded and we started to actually joke and chat like we used to. I certainly didn't/don't want to get back together with her as a partner. I did miss her - that much is true. I certainly didn't think about her all the time, but occasionally something would remind me of her and that would trigger a day or so of introspection. The last time we spoke via mail - she seemed to be doing very well -she was enjoying life as a mother and was pleased for me getting married. This was about 18 months back now. I've had some odd (non sexual) dreams where she features and this is leading me to belive I need to seek some sort of closure on our romantic relationship. As I said - it was an amicable split, but one brought through by physical circumstance more than emotional. About a year after we split we did touch on the topic - she mentioned that she felt I may have been the love of her life and that splitting up was a mistake (though she was having issues with her then BF, so naturally looked back with rosetinted specs at our relationship), I, for my part, said that while we were not romantically linked anymore, I did care for her deeply and was happy that we did get to spend the time together that we did. I think what has been bothering me all these years is that our relationship never ended 'properly' - we didn't cheat on each other, we didn't have some massive fight, we didn't fall out of love - it just simply ended with a mail(!) saying - and I can still quote it verbatum after all these years: 'I'm sorry, and I know this is going to be hard, but I can't see where this relationship can go from here. I can't bear the thought of being apart from you, so if I can't be with you, then I mustn't be with you. We can talk about it on the phone if you want, but I just had to say it here' As I said, I'm not interested in getting back with this girl, but I do want to have some sort of proper closure. Strangely enough the biggest argument we had as a couple came after we had split up - it was about this very subject. I think at the time of the argument it was too soon - the emotions were still raw. Do I still care for her? Yes, of course. Just because you are no longer romantically attached to someone doesn't mean you have to not care for them. Would I seek a relationship with her if the chance arose? No. We had our time together, and for that I am thankful. I want to find some sort of closure to that period of my life - quite what that closure could be, I'm not sure. Thanks for listening. I know there is no magic answer, but just telling this to someone is helping.
Treasa Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I really don't think you should pursue any closure with her. This sounds like the beginning of an emotional affair. Closure comes from within. You've both moved on with your lives and are now with other people. If you want to test whether or not what you're feeling is appropriate, tell your wife every single thing you told us, and see what she says.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I hate that closure word!!! there will never be closure from staying in contact with an ex. Closre does come from within. It's a self realization within u!!! I bet if your wife was in a similar situation you wouldnt find it fair would you?
not_a_happy_camper Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I absolutely agree with the above! The closure here is in the fact that you are both with different people. You are MARRIED. To other people. Does this fact not speak for itself? I really feel your wife would not like to hear this information, suppose you did contact your ex and your wife found out? she would be heart broken, and I'm sure you know that YOUR WIFE is worth so much more than that and deserves better
LostLamb Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 You have unresolved feelings for this woman and still love her. Stop lying to yourself and focus on wifey.
Recommended Posts