JackJack Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 You hear tell of marriages (yes there are some) that are good. Maybe they weren't always that good, and we all know marriages/relationships will hit bumps in the road sometimes. Then there may be some marriages where its been pretty smooth sailing for the most part of it. What do you think the secret might be to good solid marriages/relationships? Why is it, some people seem to struggle in marriages way more than others? IMO, I think sometimes it has to do with two people WANTING it work and actually doing the work. I also think, it could be to, some people are just matched and meant for one another, there fore maybe the work is not as hard for some. Of course anything worth having and holding onto will require some work. So if you have a success story of your own, or know of one where the marriage seems to be really working for them, share what it is you feel keeps that together.
quankanne Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 my personal theory is that successful marriage understand that love and trust and respect are the foundation, period. Every marriage has it's problems, but when the foundation is solid, those problems become mere annoyances you've got to deal with. DH and I went through some bad patches, but after our marriage encounter retreat, I think he finally understood that even when I was pissed off, the love never changed ... I think because of his personal experience of two failed marriages, he expected me to bail even though I am nothing like the other two. with this understanding, I think it's simplified matters because we know that no matter how "bad" it may seem, that doesn't touch the love or the trust. unless one of us goes pendejo and screws around on the other ... then that's grounds for choking the one who strays!
Mr. Lucky Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I tell my wife that we have our own little "menage a trois" because there are three of us - me, her and our marriage. We've tried to see our relationship as an entity that has it's own wants and needs, requiring the understanding that on occasion those needs are more important than either of us. It's almost like raising a child as it takes the same level of nuturing, care and consideration. That approach has helped us during a couple of rough patches in a 20+ year marriage... Mr. Lucky
PandorasBox Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I think its like you said JJ, about two people wanting it to work and actually doing the work together. It can't be all about just one person wanting to make it work and that one person doing all the work. If one is, and the other is not or doesn't want to, then yeah they are probably with the wrong person.
manugeorge Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I've never been married but judging from my parents' marriage of over 35 years, I think they survived mostly because they considered each other as one unit, from the very beginning. They saw each other as extensions of themselves. So if one got hurt in anyway, the other person is just as hurt and affected. I liken them to Siamese twins who share major organs, they have to constantly be considerate of each other because what affects one also affects the other. My mom said this is what kept them going relatively happily all these years. They had their disagreements and they had their individual pursuits but at the end of they day, they were family and according to how they were raised, you don't abandon family, no matter what. It is what you are stuck with, like the color of your skin or eyes, you can't peel it off or pluck it out. It is yours to keep, find a way to love and nurture. She always strongly advised me to marry my best friend and approach my marriage with an "us against the world" mentality. She would say, a "best friend" is someone you actually LIKE being around, someone you would seek out even if romance was never an option. Someone you can fight with one minute and go back to being friends the next, like nothing happened.
quankanne Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 She would say, a "best friend" is someone you actually LIKE being around, someone you would seek out even if romance was never an option. there is so much truth to what she says ... because unless you actually like your SO, you can't really expect to deal with that person 24/7. And I think that's why so many people consider their mates their best friend ...
Touche Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I loved all the responses. And Jack you did hit on some of the key components to a good marriage that I would have mentioned. The only other thing that comes to mind in looking at my own marriage is that I attribute a lot of our success to having very compatible temperaments for the most part. I always preach about the importance of this. We're both generally very positive and optimistic people. We're both not "nitpickers." We can see the big picture. And we don't always have to be right. We both have a sense of humor and that has surely come in handy and helped us to not take things too seriously. And it certainly doesn't hurt that we're on the same page on all the "big" issues that normally come between couples. When we've had to compromise we've proven that we can but it's not often that we even have to compromise as we're generally in agreement on the big issues. I think that right there makes such a difference. At the moment, I can't think of anything else that hasn't already been mentioned.
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I think the main reason is that during the honeymoon stage of any relationship; the relationship kind of maintains itself. Then, after time, a relationship like anything else, becomes something that like anything else, can become taken for granted. I read something once that struck a chord. It said that 'whenever I look at my wife and lost interest in her, I remember that teenage boy that met her at a party that was looking at the woman of his dreams'. He remembers that boy that couldn't live without her, that got butterflies, that wanted to be with her forever, and realises HE HAS HER, so don't take what you once wanted more than life itself, for granted. Unfortunately I think most people operate from selfishness and forget to keep something that was rare, special, unique and beautiful alive. I think one of the subtlest tragedies of life is when love is reduced to a daily grind. It needs to be kept up, celebrated and enjoyed. Because you need to remember that person who wanted to see that person everyday, who got nervous waiting for phonecalls and butterflies on dates - if you're still with that person - don't take them for granted!
LovieDove24 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Im beginning to believe that both parties having a strong spiritual foundation is the key to a lasting marriage. If you are a true believer and follower, you will ultimatley put the "we" before "me" and, in turn, create lasting happiness. Im sure I'll get flamed for this, but I have never met a devout couple who were believers, not make their marriage work. The family that prays together stays together.
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Im beginning to believe that both parties having a strong spiritual foundation is the key to a lasting marriage. If you are a true believer and follower, you will ultimatley put the "we" before "me" and, in turn, create lasting happiness. Im sure I'll get flamed for this, but I have never met a devout couple who were believers, not make their marriage work. The family that prays together stays together. I don't necessarily think it's religion per se but spirituality. A belief in something greater or bigger....even if not in eternal life but I don't know, a belief in soul mates or ghosts...just the ability to take a leap of faith. I don't see how people who purely have earthy interests can believe in love - there are too many scientific theories that tear holes in love.
PerfectLee Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I think sometimes it has to do with two people WANTING it work and actually doing the work. I agree also with what Mr. Lucky said! You've got YOU, Your Other, and the relationship. They all need to be taken care of. My wife and I are.....PASSIONATE! That's how our family and friends describe us, it's a good and bad thing, but I honestly think that's our secret. We've only been together for 5 years but hey....it's been working since day 1. We fight passionately, make love passionately, eat passionately, work hard passionately, you name it-we do it. All the way or nothing! It defines who we are as individuals, but also as a couple. We offset each other very well when one wants to be calm and cool, but otherwise, we're not gonna fix what ain't broke!
Chat Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I tell my wife that we have our own little "menage a trois" because there are three of us - me, her and our marriage. Mr. Lucky Had to point this out but menage a trois means 3 people living together - isnt it funny how we all think it means something sexual - except your liitle marraige take on it cute! Now I think that education on what it takes to make a marraige work - being taught in schools will give people an idea of that its hard work, lots of communicating, comprimise and heartache - with a result of being with the one you have for life Now marraige is just the wedding with an $8 divorce at the end - thats why it doesnt work for so many
LovieDove24 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I don't necessarily think it's religion per se but spirituality. A belief in something greater or bigger....even if not in eternal life but I don't know, a belief in soul mates or ghosts...just the ability to take a leap of faith. I don't see how people who purely have earthy interests can believe in love - there are too many scientific theories that tear holes in love. Hence me saying having a strong SPIRITUAL foundation. Nowhere did I mention religion sweetie.
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