Nikki Sahagin Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 These are 3 words I would use to describe myself...and three things I REALLY want to change. Firstly I am a very intense person. I am highly emotional, constantly thinking, very passionate and very imaginative. This is both a positive and a negative in my life. On the one hand I think this intensity makes me a good candidate with the subject I pursue at university - English. It also gives me extreme empathy and desire to help people. However on the flipside, I easily become angry, I easily become suspicious, I easily become paranoid. In fact I have so many negative qualities though sometimes I can't decide if they are truly negative. I am not a trusting person at all. Though this drives me mad I also feel it is positive because it means I won't be taken in and let down. I can never shut my brain off and even if i'm having a massage, I can't relax. I am very high-strung and anxious a lot of the time. I barely ever am content because I constantly think and so I can constantly create problems. I don't really want to take any medication because I can't help but think this is just who I am and the repercussions of altering that with drugs would be dangerous. It further irritates me because my boyfriend is very laid back and easy going and as a very passionate, high-strung person we sometimes jar. Sometimes I think I would need someone as 'crazy' as me just to feel fully understood. Mixing intense and laid-back is good in some ways and a complete clash in the other. I am constantly over-analysing. I now truly believe ignorance is bliss because at least in my case, the more i've learnt, the more unhappy i've become. Second quality - insecurity! I am a highly insecure person. I am a perfectionist and I constantly put myself down and don't allow myself to take credit for the good things I do. I've achieved a lot in terms of grades etc and never given myself credit for it. I feel good for about five minutes and then worthless but I don't want to be constantly working and achieving to have to feel good about myself. I'd like to sit back and just feel content. Also I know I am a good-looking girl but I feel very insecure around other women. I NEVER used to until I had a boyfriend and now I do. Though I don't make an issue of it, it's how I feel inside. I hate that it's so easy to see naked women everywhere but barely any men. As such I don't think men can understand the feeling of supposed 'perfection' being shown to be normal. I mean as an example most glamour models have plastic surgery but are hailed up as icons of perfection and desireability. As such as a normal girl, I feel....well i'm just normal, I don't have any fake bits...so I can't compete with that can I? I just feel it's constantly thrown in our faces that you aren't good enough. And as a naturally insecure person, I feel this daily. I am happy and proud to be who I am but I suppose I am worried that despite this I am never quite good enough, never quite perfect enough... Thirdly envy! Again I didn't used to be an envious person. I am very lucky and privilledged in my life but my envy is more of people than of possessions. For example when things aren't right in my relationship (as they haven't been now for quite a while) I feel envious about other peoples relationships. It's a comfort if I think other peoples relationships are going wrong, as bad as that sounds, but if they see more than we do, or seem to be having more sex, or more holidays or more whatever - I feel jealous! I know it's immature and irrational but I can't help it! And it drives me MAD! I can't help comparing and feeling 'what's wrong with my life? Why can't I have that?' I think all three of these things link to a lack of contentment and being over-sensitive and over-analytical. But are there any ways to just be able to stop? A therapist once told me to wear an elastic band and ping it every time I caught myself over-analysing but I ended up pinging it every 5 seconds near enough!
Itsnotme Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Wow. What a frank and honest post. I admire you for being so honest with yourself. At some point we all have had feelings similar to yours. We all experience envy and insecurity in our lives. Recognising it is half of the battle. To a certain extent, I used to feel the same about myself when I was younger. I did however overcome it all. You have to keep telling yourself that you are who you are. No one is better than you, you don't have anything to be envious of. In short learn to like yourself. Not sure about the elastic band thing but try it. What have you got to lose. Another technique that a friend used was to imagine that you are carrying around yourself as a child. It's the child in you that is the damaged and insecure one. Picture that child with you all the time and constantly reasure her in your head. It sounds abit OTT but it sure worked for her. I feel for you and I wish you all the happiness in the world. Believe it or not right now, you deserve it.
Geishawhelk Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 The you that is, is the is I was. Study Buddhism. And that's all I'm saying.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 Wow. What a frank and honest post. I admire you for being so honest with yourself. At some point we all have had feelings similar to yours. We all experience envy and insecurity in our lives. Recognising it is half of the battle. To a certain extent, I used to feel the same about myself when I was younger. I did however overcome it all. You have to keep telling yourself that you are who you are. No one is better than you, you don't have anything to be envious of. In short learn to like yourself. Not sure about the elastic band thing but try it. What have you got to lose. Another technique that a friend used was to imagine that you are carrying around yourself as a child. It's the child in you that is the damaged and insecure one. Picture that child with you all the time and constantly reasure her in your head. It sounds abit OTT but it sure worked for her. I feel for you and I wish you all the happiness in the world. Believe it or not right now, you deserve it. Thankyou so much for your response. The child exercise sounds really good. For some reason it struck me when you said it's the child that is the damaged and insecure one - made me want to cry when I think back to that little girl who has become who I am now.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 Nikki: remember - She WAS. You ARE. It's funny Geisha, I was actually going to email you about Buddhism. I need something, anything to make me calmer and more peaceful because my mind and my emotions can just drive me crazy!
Lizzie60 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Methink this has a lot to do with age. You are probably quite young. I was like that when I was young.. even up till my mid-30s.. At least, you know yourself.. which is a great aspect.. now when I look back, I didn't know all this myself.. Now.. I am still intense in a positive way.. still a perfectionist.. which is still not always a good thing. I have a great 'instinct'.. I rarely make mistakes on people.. I see through them.. Definitely not envious.. of possessions nor people.. I've never been so happy and I think I am exactly where I want to be in my life right now. Geishaw gave you a good advice.. I also read a series of books from the same author (French) that helped me a lot.
Geishawhelk Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 It's funny Geisha, I was actually going to email you about Buddhism. I need something, anything to make me calmer and more peaceful because my mind and my emotions can just drive me crazy! The 'something, anything to make you calmer and more peaceful' - will be you. Nobody else is author of your Mind, thoughts and views. However, from a personal point of view, Buddhism helped me enormously, because the primary objective teaching in Buddhism, is to gain control of your own mind. Buddhism discourages proselytising, but I'll answer any questions you may have as candidly and honestly as I can.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 The 'something, anything to make you calmer and more peaceful' - will be you. Nobody else is author of your Mind, thoughts and views. However, from a personal point of view, Buddhism helped me enormously, because the primary objective teaching in Buddhism, is to gain control of your own mind. Buddhism discourages proselytising, but I'll answer any questions you may have as candidly and honestly as I can. I know it must be me to make the change. I suppose I just don't know how.
Recommended Posts