conehead Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Me and my bf live 300 miles away from each other (1 hour plane ride). He seems to want us to see each other almost every weekend if possible while I'm happy with say once every 2 weeks. My reason for that is I don't want us to get sick of each other by seeing each other every weekend and also because I think long term wise it will be better for us to be realistic with the frequency we see each other due to costs, etc. We've only been dating a few months long distance. How should I tell him without hurting his feelings? I don't want him to resent me or think I'm blowing him off. Plus I cant always make an excuse to not see him every other weekend. What should I do?
Geishawhelk Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I don't think you love hm. It sounds as if he's a convenience, because if he were my BF, I'd want to see him every minute of the day! My BF and I had an LDR and we couldn't stop being in touch with each other. In the end, it all became too much and I packed my job in to go be with him. If I were you, I'd ditch this and let him find someone who loves him. You too. You need to know that "I can't live without you" feeling. And right now, you don't got it.
Rafa Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I agree with Geishawhelk, unless it's completely down to financial restrictions.
Island Girl Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I agree with Geisha. You really aren't that into him. If he is paying for his own tickets then it isn't a financial problem either unless he is drying up his savings with no hope of replacing that money. - AND you are thinking of that because you are thinking you want to take things to the next level...and that isn't in your post. I think he's a lot more stuck than you are and that is a big problem. His big problem. As long as you keep stringing him along he can't move on to someone who really does love him in the way he needs to be loved. You might care, but you've got to let him go because you aren't there. (Where he is.)
Rollercoasterr Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 If I could see my SO every weekend you better bet that I would be. The fact that you dont want to says something is very very wrong with this relationship. Leave this guy and let him meet someone that truly appreciates the efforts that he puts forth in the relationship, cause honey, it aint you. Best of luck.
audiophile Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 If I could see my fiance every weekend oh god that'll be the best thing that ever happened to me... I agree with everyone on top, hope the guy will find someone better and best of luck to you
Author conehead Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 Wow, I guess I didn't expect these kind of posts. It is a fairly new relationship and he barely met my parents and I barely met his. That being said, it is a very serious relationship. However, he hasn't said he loves me yet. And something else I didn't mention is that it is much more convenient for me to go visit him than for him to visit me, thus he wants me to visit him 2 weekends in a row at times. I live at home and I don't think my parents will like that. They seem to think that I'm going up to visit him more than he comes down to visit me, which is somewhat true but the ratio is more like 45:55 so it's not that big of a deal. But I guess I'm frustrated because I feel like I should leave some weekends at times to spend with my family as well. My dad is not happy with my bf sleeping over at our house so my bf has to sleep at a friend's place and I feel bad about that every time he visits me so I don't blame him for wanting me to visit him instead whenever possible but it does cause some conflicts with my dad. I suppose you can say my dad is afraid that I will get taken advantage of even though I know that is truly not the case. I want my family to approve of my bf because I think its important if this is going to become long term. I can see that if me and my bf spend every weekend together that my parents will start to resent my bf for it and I don't want that.
Els Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I guess the reason why you got such answers is because most of the people on this board would give an arm and a leg to be able to see their SO every weekend, thus when someone 'complains' (I know you didn't, but it appears that you don't want it) about seeing their SO every weekend, it boggles everyone's mind how it can be so. I agree though, that you really don't sound into him... are you sad about the fact that you can't see him? Won't you miss him after a week? Have you thought of possible ways around being able to meet him every week or talked to him about your dad's problem regarding you visiting him most of the time? Sounds like you could reach a reasonable compromise, 50/50 instead of 45/55 (doesn't sound much different! but you won't ever need to visit him two weekends at a time). You live with your parents, correct? Make more time for them on weekday nights then so it won't be so bad for you to take weekends off? You mention costs, but if he's paying for his own and he doesn't mind, would that matter, since you'd personally be paying less with the 50/50 arrangement anyway? PS: That being said, I don't agree with the 'he'll find someone better than you' comment -- that was completely overboard, IMO. There's nothing wrong with YOU, we just suspect that you may not really love him. But only you can answer that.
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Hmm. I get my two days off per week and I spend every moment possible with my honey. Two-hour drive between us. I'm more than happy to drive there, he's more than happy to drive here. I'm not thrilled with the mileage being put on my car, but I don't care! I want to see him. I couldn't imagine telling him I didn't want to see him one week. We've spent nearly every single one of my days off the past 5 weeks together - and that's exactly how long we've been serious. But anyway - I can kind of understand the family tensions. But how old are you, exactly? And your BF? I guess I don't understand why you can't stand up to your parents and let them know that it's your time to be happy and they have to let you make your own choices. If they wanted peace, such a silly thing would not disrupt their lives. I agree with the other poster - make time during the week for your family. The newness of your relationship will eventually fade - but now should be the time for that excitement to actually want to see each other. Your family will be around a long time (I mean - as long as any of us - there are never guarantees) - they can wait a little while so you can nurture a new relationship if they truly want you to be happy. And how about making family time WITH your boyfriend there? There are always options. But if you push your BF away so early - you definitely risk losing him. You're not going to lose your family by telling them you deserve more time with your BF.
Author conehead Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 I think the point is that my bf wants me to go to visit him more than he comes to visit me, being because when he comes here my parents don't want him to stay with us and he has to crash at a friend's place or find a motel. I understand from my bf's viewpoint how that is a huge inconvenience for him but I also understand that my parent's won't think it's fair for me to visit him more. My parents are conservative Chinese. They don't like the idea of me sleeping over at my bf's when I visit him either but there really is no other place for me to stay so they allow it. Both me and my bf are in our mid 20s and yes you may think I"m a wuss for not standing up to my parents, but this is not even a matter of standing up to them. My parents barely met my bf once and so I told my bf that I just want to let my parents get to know him a bit more and be more comfortable with him before I start flying up to visit him more. And I said perhaps later my dad will let him stay with us. I just feel like if we are patient for now with my parents then long term wise things will go much smoother. I actually just discussed this with my bf last night and told him I will talk to my parents about the flying up and living situation. I did discuss with my parents and they told me what I just described. I'm gonna discuss some more with my bf today during lunch and hopefully he will understand. Every few weekends my bf doesnt' see me because he is on vacation with his dad, or his coworkers, or visiting his friends out of town. He doesnt invite me. We basically have seen each other every weekend aside from when he is gone. Sometimes I feel that he is being a bit selfish just because he so happens to have that weekend free that he is needy for us to see each other. I mean why can't I have just one weekend free every now and then to relieve the tension with my parents when I freely let him go away on weekends with his coworkers/friends? This is only until my parents know him better. I hope my bf understands when I discuss with him today.
Rollercoasterr Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Regardless of how your parents feel or not, what they've said, or what they've done, my issue here is YOU. You may want to see him, but you sure don't act like you do. Parents are difficult, yes, but bigger odds have been overcome than yours, and from farther a distance. You need to start appreciating what you've got. And what you have is a boyfriend that is dying to see you as often as he can, and all you're worried about is postponing those visits because your parents don't want you to see him so much. What that right there says is that you're not making enough time for them, or your friends during the week. Regardless of if he's 3000 miles, 300 miles, or 3 miles away, most couples will spend every chance they get together. And if he was in the same city, it would be expected that you would have Saturday night dates every weekend just about. This makes your relationship no different from if he was in the same area. So what gives? Would you be acting the same way if he were closer? Now I'm not saying that your boyfriend isn't a little to blame for the way you're feeling. He needs to suck it up and stay with that friend without complaint as long as he's getting to see you.
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Hrm. I guess I don't get it. If you're already getting weekends away from him because he'll go off on his own little adventures without you, what is the problem? You don't spend those weekends with your family? Since he's taking personal time over coming to see you, it's fair game to ask for the same in return. Just tell him that every other weekend is easier on both of you, then you can both get your personal time. If he's wanting you to keep flying up there, maybe explain that you were raised really traditionally and it's really strange to be paying for that. Honestly, my mom would tell me that I shouldn't be paying to go see my BF at all, most likely. Or I should be paying very little. I see it as the modern age, however, and see nothing wrong with spending 20 bucks to go see my BF. A plane ticket is a whole other animal. If he wants you to fly up there, then maybe he should pony up half. I don't care if anyone agrees, or not - I'm saying what I'm saying coming from the traditionalist POV. That being the case, I guess I can understand where your dad is coming from even if I feel his views are antiquated.
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