sooooconfused Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 My BF and I were fighting alot for 3 months...I had someone in my family close to me die. So I freaked out and left him behind his back, packing while he was at work (coward I know). He was devastated that I left that way and begged me everyday to come back. I said no. On the 7th day he was asked out on a date by a coworker and said yes to forget me. On the 9th day of the break-up I begged for his forgiveness and to come back. He said yes, but was confused because I left him and this new girl was going waaaay out of her way to be with him. He met her to tell her he couldn't see her anymore, but decided he should try something new rather than let me leave him again. So he slept with her (we were broken up 2 weeks at this point). He and I went back and forth for the next 3 weeks fighting, NC for days, and then talking about getting back together and having tons of phone sex. He was dating her the whole time and then finally after a month and a week of being apart he called me and broke down crying for 30 minutes and said "no one is you, you are perfect for me and I am hurt, but I still love you...please come back." So now we are back together and he is being amazing...we are working through alot of things that caused problems before. BUT the problem I have is that in 2 weeks of dating this rebound girl he had feelings for her and slept with her...and within them dating 4 weeks she said she loved him (he said that was too fast for him to say that and she got mad)...I know they connected on certain things and had sex atleast 3 or 4 times...and talked for hours on the phone. I know he chose to come back to me and wants to marry me, but it is hard for me to get over that he had feelings and sex during a month long break-up. What do I do??? Some important side stuff: this girl is 30 and has been married 3 times and is going through the third divorce now, so I think her neediness had something to do with her saying I love you. My BF has severe abandonment issues (long story) and I abandoned him so I think that factors in BUT still they had sex and feelings in weeks!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaah! I want him, but it's so overwhelming.
reservoirdog1 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 The reality is, you broke up with him. He was a "free agent" during that time, and NOT because he wanted to be. After you'd rejected him, he was an easy target for another woman, somebody who found him attractive and wanted to be with him. Basically she was a shot in the arm when he needed it most. Very quickly, you're going to have to decide if you can "get over" the fact that he slept with somebody else during your breakup. If you can, and can leave it in the past where it belongs, then the relationship can survive. If you can't, and if you're going to hold that over his head for an indefinite period of time, then you shouldn't be with him. And when I say you're going to have to get over it, I mean exactly that. You must GET OVER IT. Let it go, don't in any way "punish" him for it, directly or indirectly. Don't interrogate him about it. Bury it and move on.
Author sooooconfused Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 The reality is, you broke up with him. He was a "free agent" during that time, and NOT because he wanted to be. After you'd rejected him, he was an easy target for another woman, somebody who found him attractive and wanted to be with him. Basically she was a shot in the arm when he needed it most. Very quickly, you're going to have to decide if you can "get over" the fact that he slept with somebody else during your breakup. If you can, and can leave it in the past where it belongs, then the relationship can survive. If you can't, and if you're going to hold that over his head for an indefinite period of time, then you shouldn't be with him. And when I say you're going to have to get over it, I mean exactly that. You must GET OVER IT. Let it go, don't in any way "punish" him for it, directly or indirectly. Don't interrogate him about it. Bury it and move on. I feel like you are right, but it hurts that he had feelings so fast and sex in only 2 weeks and during that whole time I was begging for him to come back. The first night he had sex with her I was packing to come back because he told me we could try again and we'd get a plan ticket for me back the next day. Instead he had sex with her and called me at midnight to change his mind. I think it was crappy, but he was really angry still at me, so I get it.
Author sooooconfused Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 So no one finds it weird he had feelings in 2 weeks? Is this because he was rebounding hard? I found a piece of a condom wrapper in the laundry...I feel sick. I tried to date too during this, but I couldn't open up and I tried to kiss someone...it just felt too weird that it wasn't him...how come I couldn't be physical or open up when he could?
Toodle Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Because you are different people, at the end of the day? We all react differently. Also, we say things we don't mean all the time. You were fighting, then you essentially rejected him (not judging you for this, just seeing it from his POV). Some girl shows an interest, he gets involved. You don;t know why he told her what he did. Maybe he meant it, maybe he didn't. Maybe he meant it at that very precise point in time, and then felt sick to the gut the minute it was over (has happened to me) Maybe he felt sick during (also happened to me) and then he said it in an attempt to validate his actions to himself. Who knows, and he might not even know either. Bottom line is if you want this to work you need to let it go as something that happened during a time you weren't together. If you can't do this, it won't work.
Author sooooconfused Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 Because you are different people, at the end of the day? We all react differently. Also, we say things we don't mean all the time. You were fighting, then you essentially rejected him (not judging you for this, just seeing it from his POV). Some girl shows an interest, he gets involved. You don;t know why he told her what he did. Maybe he meant it, maybe he didn't. Maybe he meant it at that very precise point in time, and then felt sick to the gut the minute it was over (has happened to me) Maybe he felt sick during (also happened to me) and then he said it in an attempt to validate his actions to himself. Who knows, and he might not even know either. Bottom line is if you want this to work you need to let it go as something that happened during a time you weren't together. If you can't do this, it won't work. Part of the reason I left was he talked to a couple girls long distance the first few months we dated and lied about it. They flirted and I don't know what else, but it wasn't physical. That was part of the reason I left and the other part was fighting. I left for a funeral and decided not to come back because I freaked out. I am the only woman he's never cheated on including an ex-wife and we are 31. I felt like I couldn't trust him. He is being nice about this, but yesterday I freaked about her telling her she loved him after knowing him 3 weeks and he admitted that it got a bit intense, but that he didn't feel as strongly as she did by far. They had sex atleast 4 times, but as much as I know him I am sure it was lots more. The whole time he was dating her during our break-up he was lying to her. He said he and I had broken up months before and that we'd hadn't had sex in ages and that he had no feelings for me. Plus he and I were having phone sex all the time...it makes me feel weird he could just lie like that and cheat and not feel bad about it just because he only knew her a short time. I feel bad for her.
Toodle Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Ah right... So in a way this is someone who is a serial cheat? I think if they flirted long distance then he did cheat, emotionally anyway. So he's cheated on every woman he's been with, and I'm not saying this to hurt you, just giving you an unpleasant but impartial view. And then he cheated on her with you in a way. He's maintaining his 100% record. If you do want to pursue this I'd say tread incredibly carefully, but personally I'd walk. You're going to be entering a world of pain.
Author sooooconfused Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 Ah right... So in a way this is someone who is a serial cheat? I think if they flirted long distance then he did cheat, emotionally anyway. So he's cheated on every woman he's been with, and I'm not saying this to hurt you, just giving you an unpleasant but impartial view. And then he cheated on her with you in a way. He's maintaining his 100% record. If you do want to pursue this I'd say tread incredibly carefully, but personally I'd walk. You're going to be entering a world of pain. when we first started dating it was over the net LD and we hadn't met in person yet...at the time I didn't know he was also speaking to a girl and an exgf. when we started dating in person some of those conversations carried over with the exgf. it was mostly just trying to be friends, but sometimes it would be a weird "what if?" and "maybe we should meet up?" but he never did (I know this because I ended up talking to her while he and I were broken up-long story). He did for sure cheat on this girl with me while we were broken up...but he was trying to be back with me, but scared. That doesn't make it right though . If he did cheat on me it was an emotional thing in the beginning, but it's like everyone else he's dated has been cheated on and it is so shi**y.
Toodle Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 He has issues. If it helps you make a decision, I'll share that I had a VERY long relationship from the age of 15 to 22. We both cheated on each other over and over. It took me years of therapy and 2 more relationships to stop that behaviour. My last relationship just gone is the only one it hasn't happened in. It would happen because I would get insecure and seek ressurance from other people rather than the person I was with, which of course didn't help anything. My advice? Walk away as it will take years for him to correct this behaviour, if he ever does. Like I said it took me a step of recognising it, wanting to change it, and then going through with not only therapy but several abortive attempts. I now feel I have the maturity to avoid such destructive behaviour, but it's much like being a recovering alcoholic/drug addict.
Author sooooconfused Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 He has issues. If it helps you make a decision, I'll share that I had a VERY long relationship from the age of 15 to 22. We both cheated on each other over and over. It took me years of therapy and 2 more relationships to stop that behaviour. My last relationship just gone is the only one it hasn't happened in. It would happen because I would get insecure and seek ressurance from other people rather than the person I was with, which of course didn't help anything. My advice? Walk away as it will take years for him to correct this behaviour, if he ever does. Like I said it took me a step of recognising it, wanting to change it, and then going through with not only therapy but several abortive attempts. I now feel I have the maturity to avoid such destructive behaviour, but it's much like being a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. thank you for your honesty toodle i do need to rethink all of this...can i trust him? can i get over this? ugh.
Toodle Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Even in my last relationship there were two occasions when I nearly couldn't trust myself. And I feel as if my strength in dealing with this is as hardcore as it will ever be.
Author sooooconfused Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 my head is going to explode...should i assume i am like the rest and that he's never changed...can't change...should i judge him on his past and that he cheated on his rebound with me? he makes me believe i am different and this is special...am i stupid?
Toodle Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I know the feeling - what made me seek help was the feeling I had when i knew i was being cheated on. It's horrible. You're not stupid at all - he is. He's doomed to this cycle until he gets help, but he doesn't even recognise it. If he says you're special but behaves the same way, what does that tell you?
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