dnt55 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 i'm new here...i've been reading the board for a few days, and i have a situation of my own that i'd like your opinion on. ok, here it goes! i just finished up a divorce after being married for 14 years. about 9 months ago, an old boyfriend found me online and messaged me...this was a man that i was in love with and never really had closure with (long story) back then. well, he contacted me, and i was in a pretty horrible marriage (had already separated several times, the last time being for 7 months & tons of work), and so it was really nice to talk to him again. i had been thinking for the 4 months prior to his contacting me about how and when to leave my husband for good. after awhile of online/phone communication with my friend, i felt like i could do it...like i was ready and had the strength to be able to follow through. i filed for divorce, and then i started to meet with my friend (never met with him until after the divorce stuff started). well, my friend had also gotten married, and had been married for 11 years. he also had been wanting to leave his wife for years, but just wasn't ready. we've been 'together' ever since. his wife had had health issues, and he wanted to make sure that her next tests came back ok before he left (tests in oct.). they were fine. but, at that same time, a bunch of stuff happened with his job and his hours were cut way back, and he was nervous about what would happen to all they had because they needed more than he would be making to support their 'lifestyle'. so, it became a 'let's wait and see what happens' kind of thing. 2 weeks went by, and i had had enough of not knowing, and feeling like this wasn't ever going to really change, so i pulled away and told him i couldn't do it anymore. he got scared because he said he didn't want to lose me, and so he said that he would leave by the end of the year. then, things with his job got even worse, and they were going to cut hours back even further, so he took a voluntary layoff. he was even more nervous about things financially, but said that as soon as the unemployment stuff got worked out and on its way, he'd leave. well, that got worked out about 2 weeks ago now. and he's still there. he said the last time i saw him that 'everything's done, and he's done, and there's nothing else to do to get ready to go'...so, i wait. i know he had a really hard time after he wasn't working, just felt insignificant, etc...but, it's been awhile. and now, he just sits there day after day, not leaving. they haven't slept in the same room for 8 years. they're just roommates in a loveless marriage. and if 'everything's done that needs to be done' before he leaves, then why is he still there? he says he loves me more than anything, and that when i pulled away last october, he really, really realized that. we fit together so well....really do feel like we could be so very happy together. so now, i'm faced with a decision. i've been thinking about giving him a deadline in my head (not telling him what it is or talking about it - it would just be for me), and then if he's still there at that point, just telling him that i no longer wish to be the other woman, that i don't deserve to hurt like that and am choosing another way. i am SO scared to do it, though, because i don't know what he'll actually do. i have to be ready to totally lose him. i love him so much, but i KNOW i don't want to do THIS anymore. so, i know i need to handle it. i mean, i really hope he just leaves, and then this won't be an issue...the date i am telling myself in my head is march 15, because to me, it would be WAY past obvious at that point that he was never going to actually go (ok, i'm sure it should have been obvious to me before that, but... ). i just love him, and i know he loves me and isn't happy in his marriage, and that we would be so great together, and i would just hate to see that all die. am i just being totally retarded? just a fool? think i'm just pretty darn confused right now...yes, i know i have to expect a crazed mess when getting involved with a married man, but it was so different...to me, it was like, 'well, we've been together before, and he's wanted to leave his wife for a long time, and i've wanted to leave my husband for a long time, and we're so great together, and....' ok, i'm done babbling now...
Confused4Now Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 i'm new here...i've been reading the board for a few days, and i have a situation of my own that i'd like your opinion on. ok, here it goes! i just finished up a divorce after being married for 14 years. about 9 months ago, an old boyfriend found me online and messaged me...this was a man that i was in love with and never really had closure with (long story) back then. well, he contacted me, and i was in a pretty horrible marriage (had already separated several times, the last time being for 7 months & tons of work), and so it was really nice to talk to him again. i had been thinking for the 4 months prior to his contacting me about how and when to leave my husband for good. after awhile of online/phone communication with my friend, i felt like i could do it...like i was ready and had the strength to be able to follow through. i filed for divorce, and then i started to meet with my friend (never met with him until after the divorce stuff started). well, my friend had also gotten married, and had been married for 11 years. he also had been wanting to leave his wife for years, but just wasn't ready. we've been 'together' ever since. his wife had had health issues, and he wanted to make sure that her next tests came back ok before he left (tests in oct.). they were fine. but, at that same time, a bunch of stuff happened with his job and his hours were cut way back, and he was nervous about what would happen to all they had because they needed more than he would be making to support their 'lifestyle'. so, it became a 'let's wait and see what happens' kind of thing. 2 weeks went by, and i had had enough of not knowing, and feeling like this wasn't ever going to really change, so i pulled away and told him i couldn't do it anymore. he got scared because he said he didn't want to lose me, and so he said that he would leave by the end of the year. then, things with his job got even worse, and they were going to cut hours back even further, so he took a voluntary layoff. he was even more nervous about things financially, but said that as soon as the unemployment stuff got worked out and on its way, he'd leave. well, that got worked out about 2 weeks ago now. and he's still there. he said the last time i saw him that 'everything's done, and he's done, and there's nothing else to do to get ready to go'...so, i wait. i know he had a really hard time after he wasn't working, just felt insignificant, etc...but, it's been awhile. and now, he just sits there day after day, not leaving. they haven't slept in the same room for 8 years. they're just roommates in a loveless marriage. and if 'everything's done that needs to be done' before he leaves, then why is he still there? he says he loves me more than anything, and that when i pulled away last october, he really, really realized that. we fit together so well....really do feel like we could be so very happy together. so now, i'm faced with a decision. i've been thinking about giving him a deadline in my head (not telling him what it is or talking about it - it would just be for me), and then if he's still there at that point, just telling him that i no longer wish to be the other woman, that i don't deserve to hurt like that and am choosing another way. i am SO scared to do it, though, because i don't know what he'll actually do. i have to be ready to totally lose him. i love him so much, but i KNOW i don't want to do THIS anymore. so, i know i need to handle it. i mean, i really hope he just leaves, and then this won't be an issue...the date i am telling myself in my head is march 15, because to me, it would be WAY past obvious at that point that he was never going to actually go (ok, i'm sure it should have been obvious to me before that, but... ). i just love him, and i know he loves me and isn't happy in his marriage, and that we would be so great together, and i would just hate to see that all die. am i just being totally retarded? just a fool? think i'm just pretty darn confused right now...yes, i know i have to expect a crazed mess when getting involved with a married man, but it was so different...to me, it was like, 'well, we've been together before, and he's wanted to leave his wife for a long time, and i've wanted to leave my husband for a long time, and we're so great together, and....' ok, i'm done babbling now... Time lines just don't work...In my situation I was chasing a date for my MW and then all came the excuses. The dates kept being pushed out. So bottom line is just go do your thing...he will come when he's ready. Do you really want him if he's not ready yet? Trust me if you force him he might regret it later and put on the blame on you. Wow...this actually makes me sick thinking about it ...man it was a tough year last year. Good luck your going to need it....
Island Girl Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 You have been waiting and it sounds like you'll still be waiting. He told you they've slept in separate bedrooms for eight years and you BELIEVE him? Maybe you should go read more threads in the OW/OM section. This is an EXTREMELY common lie. He wasn't in a loveless marriage. His wife still loved him and in her eyes he was being true to her (she had no reason to think differently because he was a liar). Now he has you both dangling on a string - her with a long commitment and marriage at stake - and you with a bunch of promises and some rolls in the hay. She is tried and true and you are exciting and new. Who to choose? Hmmmmmmmm. Every time I read one of these threads I am so thankful that I would never put myself in the situation where I am competing for the affections of a man. All the while knowingly being part of the destruction of a relationship. It would be different if you didn't know but you did.
jwi71 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 dnt55, Like Island Girl says...you still have a lot of waiting of to do. Like until hell freezes over. Or he gets caught. Why don't you try knocking on his door? I mean, its a loveless M where they sleep in different rooms right? He's ready to leave to right? Shouldn't be a problem... You won't? Why not? Because your MM is lying to you. Period. (and you know it) He loves his W. They sleep in the same bed. They prolly have a pretty good sex life. If he wanted out...he'd be out. Its really that simple. Stop waiting.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 i had been thinking for the 4 months prior to his contacting me about how and when to leave my husband for good. after awhile of online/phone communication with my friend, i felt like i could do it...like i was ready and had the strength to be able to follow through. Some paragraphs would make your post easier to read and respond to . If you really had the strength to deal with the end of your marriage, you wouldn't need the crutch of this affair with a MM to go forward. You need to take some time and put in the effort to find out what you want and need to be successful in a relationship. Waiting by the phone isn't going to help you. You have been waiting and it sounds like you'll still be waiting. He told you they've slept in separate bedrooms for eight years and you BELIEVE him? Maybe you should go read more threads in the OW/OM section. This is an EXTREMELY common lie. I'm still waiting for the first OW to post on here that her MM told her that he had hot, fabulous and frequent sex with his wife. It's amazing how all cheaters seem to sleep in a bedroom separate from their spouses ... Mr. Lucky
Author dnt55 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 thank you, everyone, for your posts...i see that i might have been a bit naive about all of this...i appreciate all your opinions/advice...
MichelleS1983 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 DNT, your story is so full of cliches that I actually chuckled when I read it. He's supposedly slept in the guest room for the last 8 years has he? It's a loveless marriage, is it? They're only roommates now, are they? Jesus. They ALL say that. Then he used that over-done, "my wife is sick - it's serious" routine to buy more time at home, did he? Now for the last umpteen months, he's used his financial situation and his 'worry' about how his family will survive. You've been taken for a ride.
Author dnt55 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 okay, so i need to tell him we're done and go NC. what if he were to actually finally leave and then call me and tell me? what then?
Geishawhelk Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Don't commit to anything he promises until you see the final divorce papers and know his address is different to hers. Is the short answer to that one.
Athena Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 okay, so i need to tell him we're done and go NC. what if he were to actually finally leave and then call me and tell me? what then? Don't tell him you're done and go NC -- tell him not to bother contacting you until he's moved out. Also, why did you and he break up the first time you guys dated? Have you thought that if it didn't work out then, it may not work out now?
Author dnt55 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 Don't tell him you're done and go NC -- tell him not to bother contacting you until he's moved out. Also, why did you and he break up the first time you guys dated? Have you thought that if it didn't work out then, it may not work out now? when we were together before, he was in the army, and i was going away to college, and we ended up being 18 hours apart....it was going to be that way for another year, so we decided to put things on hold. when he got out of the army, he called me, but i had moved on and was engaged to the man that i just divorced. ok, so i should not tell him we're done? just tell him to not contact me again until he's moved out?
Athena Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Yes, you want to encourage him to be with you, right? So don't dump him and go no contact... just tell him its too painful and stressful for you to be on high alert by 'waiting' for him to get off the fence, and to give you a call once he is packed and ready to go. That should give him enough time to make up his mind, in his own time, without the fear/threat of losing you, and without you pressuring him... in the meantime try find joy in your life while he makes up his mind (nope, I don't mean to date others, but certainly go out with female friends)
Athena Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 the way I see it is that he is having both you and his comfort zone at home right now... but if you tell him to not bother you until he's ready to come over, it's gonna force him to make a move. The way it is right now, he's just sitting pretty
Author dnt55 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 Yes, you want to encourage him to be with you, right? So don't dump him and go no contact... just tell him its too painful and stressful for you to be on high alert by 'waiting' for him to get off the fence, and to give you a call once he is packed and ready to go. That should give him enough time to make up his mind, in his own time, without the fear/threat of losing you, and without you pressuring him... in the meantime try find joy in your life while he makes up his mind (nope, I don't mean to date others, but certainly go out with female friends) oh my gosh, thank you so much, athena....this is an excellent way to put it! i appreciate your help and advice. i will do that, and we'll see what happens...
Athena Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 dnt you are welcome, I wish you all the best
Recommended Posts