violentdayzie Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Sorry for the length, but if you can bear to read it all, I would really like some advice: I dated a guy for a VERY short while (few months) about five years ago. He was 18 at the time, and I was around 22. We broke up because I'm bipolar and have traits of borderline personality disorder to boot - basically, I got super attached and then got into a horrible depression (complete with cutting) that scared him, rightfully, off. We've kept in touch on and off over the years... he's one of the many friends in my life that I only talk to for a few times before he gets distracted and then runs off and I don't hear from him for a few months or another year. This never bothered me - it's who he is, and I'm the same way, so we've just been comfortable in this sense. In the last few months, he's reappeared again. He wrote me some very long messages about how he is in love with me and wants to prove to me that it is possible for someone to love me for all of my imperfections and he is willing to wait for me to take as long as I need to really believe how he feels. He says he was afraid of being with me in the past because he felt that he could really see himself being with me forever, and that scared him senseless. He thought he needed to sleep around and avoid commitment to "live life to the fullest", but after spending these years doing that he's come to the conclusion that I was always the only girl for him and the only girl that can complete him. This is coming from a guy who is extremely uncomfortable talking about emotions and I can honestly appreciate how vulnerable he must feel by saying these things to me. It's been three states (I move a lot) and a whole lot of heartache since the few months we dated so long ago. I've grown quite a bit and I'm sure he has too, and I'm afraid that he is seriously overhyping me here. I have a nasty habit of jumping into things whole heartedly and falling flat on my face. I've moved all over the place for men who say nice things to me, and the lack of a ring on my finger and my lonely apartment obviously show how well that's worked out for me. I'm extremely hesitant about doing this sort of thing again, particularly with one of the few people who's actually been a friend to me for this long. I'm terrified of relationships at this point, basically because I get so desperate about starting my own family that I go a bit crazy and do desperate things when I start to feel abandoned. Still, I have such fond memories of the brief time we did date that I still brag about the really nice things he used to do for me, and NO ONE has ever written to me as nicely as he did yesterday. I do love him as well, but I'm worried that I'm not capable of having any sort of normal relationship. What's a crazy girl to do when someone who does actually know them swears to love her even with her craziness?
Joker77 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Sorry for the length, but if you can bear to read it all, I would really like some advice: I dated a guy for a VERY short while (few months) about five years ago. He was 18 at the time, and I was around 22. We broke up because I'm bipolar and have traits of borderline personality disorder to boot - basically, I got super attached and then got into a horrible depression (complete with cutting) that scared him, rightfully, off. We've kept in touch on and off over the years... he's one of the many friends in my life that I only talk to for a few times before he gets distracted and then runs off and I don't hear from him for a few months or another year. This never bothered me - it's who he is, and I'm the same way, so we've just been comfortable in this sense. In the last few months, he's reappeared again. He wrote me some very long messages about how he is in love with me and wants to prove to me that it is possible for someone to love me for all of my imperfections and he is willing to wait for me to take as long as I need to really believe how he feels. He says he was afraid of being with me in the past because he felt that he could really see himself being with me forever, and that scared him senseless. He thought he needed to sleep around and avoid commitment to "live life to the fullest", but after spending these years doing that he's come to the conclusion that I was always the only girl for him and the only girl that can complete him. This is coming from a guy who is extremely uncomfortable talking about emotions and I can honestly appreciate how vulnerable he must feel by saying these things to me. It's been three states (I move a lot) and a whole lot of heartache since the few months we dated so long ago. I've grown quite a bit and I'm sure he has too, and I'm afraid that he is seriously overhyping me here. I have a nasty habit of jumping into things whole heartedly and falling flat on my face. I've moved all over the place for men who say nice things to me, and the lack of a ring on my finger and my lonely apartment obviously show how well that's worked out for me. I'm extremely hesitant about doing this sort of thing again, particularly with one of the few people who's actually been a friend to me for this long. I'm terrified of relationships at this point, basically because I get so desperate about starting my own family that I go a bit crazy and do desperate things when I start to feel abandoned. Still, I have such fond memories of the brief time we did date that I still brag about the really nice things he used to do for me, and NO ONE has ever written to me as nicely as he did yesterday. I do love him as well, but I'm worried that I'm not capable of having any sort of normal relationship. What's a crazy girl to do when someone who does actually know them swears to love her even with her craziness? Take it very slowly and see what happens. If you jump into it full fledge, you can forget about it.
Author violentdayzie Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 What exactly does "taking it slow" entail, anyway? I've never quite been able to figure that one out. Especially considering he's trying to start this off by telling me he's in love with me and I'm the only girl for him? I'm honestly not even sure I'm willing to give it a go.... I certainly can't move right now and he's in another state entirely, and the long distance thing has never really worked out for me. But, if I do come to the conclusion that it's worth a shot, I do wonder how I could implement your advice.
Joker77 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 What exactly does "taking it slow" entail, anyway? I've never quite been able to figure that one out. Especially considering he's trying to start this off by telling me he's in love with me and I'm the only girl for him? I'm honestly not even sure I'm willing to give it a go.... I certainly can't move right now and he's in another state entirely, and the long distance thing has never really worked out for me. But, if I do come to the conclusion that it's worth a shot, I do wonder how I could implement your advice. Basically it means starting all over again. Don't try and pick up where you left off. It means taking the time to get to know each other again face to face and see where it goes.
Author violentdayzie Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 Heh, well after that long a timeframe (and that short an initial "relationship") I don't think there's any problem with trying to start off where we left off. I barely remember it! I seriously think he probably doesn't remember it either, and that's why he's idealizing me to this extent.
Island Girl Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 When this has happened to me (an ex reappearing and saying he wants us to "try again") I am touched, it is a huge ego boost of course, and I don't EVER do it. In your case there is even more of a reason not to. You're friends. And it sounds like you really do need close friends that do care. If you get involved at that level it may just be something you can't go backwards on and it may ruin the friendship if indeed it doesn't work.
GorillaTheater Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I dated a guy for a VERY short while (few months) about five years ago. He was 18 at the time, and I was around 22. We broke up because I'm bipolar and have traits of borderline personality disorder to boot - basically, I got super attached and then got into a horrible depression (complete with cutting) that scared him, rightfully, off. ... What's a crazy girl to do when someone who does actually know them swears to love her even with her craziness? You may well be a nut, but you're rational enough to ask a very good question, and you've gotten some good advice: take it slow. But I don't see you asking the question that jumped out at me immediately: how on earth can this guy be "in love" with you? That's not meant as a slap against you at all, but rather pointing out that I don't think you've spent enough time together to make such feelings legitimate. In my own non-shrink opinion, he loves some construct of you that he's woven together over the past few years. I'd be concerned over his reaction when he inevitably discovers that reality doesn't match his fantasy. Fortunately my advice on dealing with that aspect of the situation is the same as for the other: take it slow and get to know one another again. And I hope you're in a better place now and are getting help for your issues. Because of course those issues are a relationship destroyer. Be careful, because I think he has issues of his own. Beware of the guy who thinks he's knight in shining armor who will rescue you. He can't do it, only you can.
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