PennyWithAHoleInIt Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 OK, a little background: Always had low self esteem and depression, always said that I would dump a cheater in a heartbeat.... because of what my mom and sis went through with men. Now fast forward. Got married because I did not want to be a single mom. Was not in love with him but did it anyway. STRIKE ONE Was not really attracted to him (but who was I to judge) he seem to like me. STRIKE TWO I was very depressed and evil during the marriage and he was never there (hanging with the fellas and such not at home...working extra for his toys). Never really respected him and always felt that he was a weak cowardly man. STRIKE THREE FF>> 5 years found out he cheated and has been for the past 4years...I was devastated. I wondered why though since I wasn't in love and didn't really like him that much. I decided to stay since I was always evil and unapproachable and figured I did push him away never wanted to have sex and such either. I also was a sahm so I was not working @ the time which would've made it harder to leave. (not excusing him in anyway for cheating though). So I told him what I wanted.... no clubbing or bar hopping and hanging out with single friends extended periods of time and being more affectionate.(neither of us are/were affectionate so we both wanted this). Now 3yrs later I still feel like a fool for staying. The love hasn't grown for me. He has not been going to any clubs and his single friends has since gotten married. I have gotten treatment for the depression but it seems I just want to still run far far away or should have left when I had the chance. I don't know what it is maybe because I have a career and I could survive without him and now I am not trying to prove to anyone that "I" can make it or that my marriage is happy.... Those in similar situations how did you get over feeling like a fool for accepting them back?? I'm starting to feel hopeless and depressed again being married.
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Get out and divorce him. You never loved him from day one and got married for the wrong reasons. He probably married you for whatever reasons too - Seems neither of you have had any love or respect for one another. Why save a marriage that never truly was a marriage to begin with? Don't let fear of being alone or learning to be independant stop you from ending it and healing so you CAN find the love of your life.
65tr6 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Was not in love with him but did it anyway. STRIKE ONE. It is VERY easy to go back and indulge in a monday morning quarterbacking. Are you sure you are not doing this due to your low self esteem issues ? STRIKE TWO I was very depressed and evil during the marriage and he was never there (hanging with the fellas and such not at home...working extra for his toys). Never really respected him and always felt that he was a weak cowardly man. . Have you ever had BRUTAL conversation with your husband about how you felt about him and the marriage and if his needs are being met by you OR what your needs are and that they are not being met ? Now 3yrs later I still feel like a fool for staying. The love hasn't grown for me. . First of all, there is NO excuse for his cheating. For you to accept him back for what he has done takes lot of courage. Let me ask you this, after you made the decision to accept him back, what have you done actively to work on your marriage ? Did you expect the love grow back on its own ? Was your husband remorseful for what he has done and how much he has hurt you ? Did you both make your marraige priority one ? What changed in the last 3 years compared to the years before ? Are you both confident that you gave it the best shot and still things didnt work out ? Feeling stupid for what ? For taking him back ? So you regret your own decision making ? What about marrying him in first place ? Never gets that simple, does it ?. You make the best of what you have. You give it a best shot and if things dont work out alteast you can walk out knowing you have done your best.
jwi71 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Got married because I did not want to be a single mom. Was not in love with him but did it anyway. STRIKE ONE Was not really attracted to him (but who was I to judge) he seem to like me. STRIKE TWO I was very depressed and evil during the marriage and he was never there (hanging with the fellas and such not at home...working extra for his toys). Never really respected him and always felt that he was a weak cowardly man. STRIKE THREE OK, you don't love him, you're not attracted to him and you have no respect for him. And you married him for what reason? I mean, besides his income. Because your child needed a father? Except..it doesn't sound like he was there much... I don't know what it is maybe because I have a career and I could survive without him and now I am not trying to prove to anyone that "I" can make it or that my marriage is happy.... OK. Filed for divorce yet? Those in similar situations how did you get over feeling like a fool for accepting them back?? I'm starting to feel hopeless and depressed again being married. Obviously you have issues with depression and low self esteem. The steps previously taken were NOT enough. I would heartily recommend perhaps seeing a psychiatrist and taking a pharmacological approach to your depression. Concerning your M...if you are done then make it official. File for D and move on with your life. If you feel "stupid" for staying then the remedy is leaving. Or...go to MC and see if the M can be repaired. But honestly, considering your first three points...get out. Good luck...if you want your life to change...then change your life.
Ronni_W Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I decided to stay since I was always evil and unapproachable and figured I did push him away never wanted to have sex and such either. I also was a sahm so I was not working @ the time which would've made it harder to leave. It does not sound as if you acted like a "fool" when you decided to try to make your marriage work. Rather, it seems that you thought it out with all the logic and facts then available -- you made an informed decision, based on your then-current feelings, beliefs, circumstances and needs. No "fool" ever does that! As for the present, it would be acting "foolish" if you choose to just stay in a situation that is promoting your feelings of hopelessness and depression. Your wise decisions include: 1. Make a serious, heartfelt commitment to REALLY put in the work to make the much-needed changes and improvements in your marital relationship. Your attitude doesn't support a happy, successful marriage. I would suggest that both individual therapy and marriage counseling are being called for. There are also good articles and questionnaires at marriagebuilders.com OR 2. Make a serious, heartfelt commitment to end your marriage in a way that will be least harmful to your husband and your Self. (It's going to hurt, regardless, but holding thoughts of understanding, empathy and forgiveness can go a long way to make things feel more...manageable.) Good luck. Either of those choices comes with lots of "self/growth work" -- your ultimate successful outcomes are completely dependent on the efforts YOU make. If he is not willing to make similar levels of commitment and effort, that is your answer, too. Without any changes, this situation will stay mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually depleting and exhausting for BOTH of you.
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 It is not love that makes you stay. It is dependence. You require him as a crutch because when you met, you were at a vulnerable stage in your life and requested a father figure for your child. It is not neccessarily stupidity. It is weird the things that drive us as human beings. I expect your shock and devestation came because he WAS that crutch and though you do not love him, you don't want to lose that walking stick. But you do need to leave. This will do nothing for your depression. After all this time, you need to learn to cope independently.
LovieDove24 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Its like working at a job you hate versus working at your dream job. Some people can mull through life as a dead end waitress and be content with the comfort in consistancy it brings. Others believe there's gotta be more to life than that and pursue, pursue, pursue because they have a dream and believe they can achieve it. So, are you the dreamin' kind or the content kind? Sounds like you used to want the comfort, now you want the dream. You know the answer. You should apologize to your husband for USING HIM and leave. Never look back. Do not let your past mistakes hold you back. But also please ask for forgiveness cuz you sure done wrong.
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