Flamenco81 Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Hello. I had made a post some time ago about possibly developing a physical attraction with someone over time and have things work out. Well I met this girl about 3 weeks ago from an online dating site. Our personalities are very similar, and she is a nice laid back person. We've been out to eat, concerts, etc in the past 3 weeks since we've met. We have been making out and that is about it so far sexually speaking. But I feel it can escalate to more soon. BUT, here is the problem. I just don't feel a big physical attraction to her. And I know how everyone talks about personality being the main thing, and hey I agree. I myself am a pretty average looking guy and by no means am I like a player or anything. But for me it feels weird. When we are getting physically intimate it feels good obviously, but the rest of the time I am not feeling like "butterflies" or anything. Like if I would have just randomly seen her on the street I would not have been interested in her physically speaking. I feel like this is destined to end sometime soon, and I feel like it is better to end it soon or talk to her and let her know I am not looking for something serious, before she would get too attached. Because I feel like she is getting a lot more attached than me. What would be the best way to tell her this without sounding horrible??? if she agrees that she doesn't mind just sharing something casual and being close but not in a committed relationship, then that would be good. But I feel like she wants something pretty serious. And I definitely don't want to just have sex with her and then break it up, as that would be horrible.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Let her go before you hurt her stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others..
DavidH Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Let her go before you hurt her stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others.. hey guy. im pretty sure his post is indicative of him thinking about others.
norajane Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 We have been making out and that is about it so far sexually speaking. But I feel it can escalate to more soon. When we are getting physically intimate it feels good And I definitely don't want to just have sex with her and then break it up, as that would be horrible. So, despite not being physically attracted to her, you enjoy making out with her, expect it could easily escalate into more intimacy and you would want have sex with her? But, you wouldn't want to be in a committed relationship with her. You're giving her every sign that you ARE interested and do find her attractive. You've been dating for a while and are making out. If you have sex with her, why wouldn't she think you were interested and attracted? Do her a favor, and break up instead of having sex and then dumping her.
Author Flamenco81 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 The point of the whole post was to say that yes, I plan to end things before we get to another level. Everyone is making me look like an *******, when I am being like the considerate guy and not taking advantage of her. I am just looking for advice as to the best way to put this to her? Without just saying "yeah I just don't feel physically attracted".
Peter_pan Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 yeah thats a bit out of order for a reply. anyway i think its good you have realised this now. but when you say " if she agrees that she doesn't mind just sharing something casual and being close but not in a committed relationship, then that would be good. " so are you after a booty call or what? do or do you not like her? you dont really make sense as to wether you want her or not. i think you should let her know that you dont want anything serious and are looking for something casual and fully appreciates her decision if she decides to walk. or take it for what it is "fun". easy peasy
norajane Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 if she agrees that she doesn't mind just sharing something casual and being close but not in a committed relationship, then that would be good. But I feel like she wants something pretty serious.Yes, that's the part that makes it sound like you'd happily have sex with her until someone comes along that you are attracted to. And if you WOULD be happy hanging out with her and having sex with her, then where's the not being attracted part, really? Anyway, I wouldn't offer that up as an option. Just tell her that you've enjoyed getting to know her but you don't see things working out for a relationship. The sooner you do it, the less she will care, since you've only recently started dating.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 How is it out of order? hes already admitted he has no attraction to her but they have been "making out" to me thats leading her along a bit no? And it sounds like shes fallen or well on the way to falling for him! I just think if at 1st theres no spark for him then he should have told her then thats all. Hes going to tell her now fair enough good for him but I'm afraid the damage is prob already done on some level..
SpanksTheMonkey Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I am just looking for advice as to the best way to put this to her? Without just saying "yeah I just don't feel physically attracted". Thats exactly what I would tell her in a nice way that way its upfront honest and to the point so you dint have to lie and she doesn't have to wonder why for the rest of her life...
collegekid491 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 How is it out of order? hes already admitted he has no attraction to her but they have been "making out" to me thats leading her along a bit no? And it sounds like shes fallen or well on the way to falling for him! I just think if at 1st theres no spark for him then he should have told her then thats all. Hes going to tell her now fair enough good for him but I'm afraid the damage is prob already done on some level.. Take a chill pill... geez, your just giving a guilt trip that doesn't help the situation AT ALL. He gave the relationship a chance to work based on personality. If you date anyone for ANY extent of time you know that it progresses physically, and making out... come on, this isn't high school, its standard stuff. I give him props for actually giving it a shot, he's probably a bigger man then me cause I am a pretty... visual creature. OP, stay a bit vague. That she's not what your looking for and you know that now, as well you wanted to stop it before it got to far physically, no shame in that. Sounds elusive, but its a pot shot if you tell her the exact reason. Like that bully in school that called you names over misc imperfections, it leaves a permanent mark much more damaging then a break up. I mean personally, using physical attraction as a break up line (cause its been used on me, unbelievable, i know lol jk) is something you remember, and especially if she has heard it before... its a much deeper wound, something that definitely can lead to disastrous future relationships or even severe depression. What it ultimately comes down to, you date to get an idea if you can see a future with that person. If you can't handle the fact you may lose a few times before you win then you shouldn't even be in the game.
movingonandon Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 1) It really depends how "bad" things are with the lack of attraction. if you are really turned off by her then yes, you should break up right away. But, if you're merely unimpressed, you can be surprised what a strong attraction you can develop over time. (Anybody passively./agressively suggesting that "unless there is that instant spark/chemistry, there is no point", can eat it with some dick cheese on it ) 2) If you do dump her, don't tell her you're not attracted to her.I don't advocate bul****ting, but in this case honesty will do more harm than good. Come up with some crap like not being ready for a relaitonship (worst excuse) , still not being over and ex (best excuse), etc.
Author Flamenco81 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 Thanks for the input. Yeah I see some of you do get my point, so that is good. And yeah to clarify it's not that I find her UGLY. If I had then I wouldn't have asked her to meet for a second date or more afterward, and that is just the honest truth, there is nothing wrong with that. There has to be SOME physical attraction for you to want to pursue anything. So I felt like I wanted to give it a couple of weeks at least to hang out more and like they mentioned, to see if the personality part started taking over more and started diminishing the effect of the lack of a magical strong physical attraction. Maybe after some weeks I would start seeing her in a different light. But like I said, it's been 3 weeks, and we have had some basic physical contact, but I still feel in the same place as when we first met. So that comes to the point were I feel I should break things off because I can't make myself feel physically attracted to her.
movingonandon Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Thanks for the input. Yeah I see some of you do get my point, so that is good. And yeah to clarify it's not that I find her UGLY. If I had then I wouldn't have asked her to meet for a second date or more afterward, and that is just the honest truth, there is nothing wrong with that. There has to be SOME physical attraction for you to want to pursue anything. So I felt like I wanted to give it a couple of weeks at least to hang out more and like they mentioned, to see if the personality part started taking over more and started diminishing the effect of the lack of a magical strong physical attraction. Maybe after some weeks I would start seeing her in a different light. But like I said, it's been 3 weeks, and we have had some basic physical contact, but I still feel in the same place as when we first met. So that comes to the point were I feel I should break things off because I can't make myself feel physically attracted to her. Give it some more time maybe. There is no general guideline, I can only provide suggestion based on my own experience, which with my current GF was that for the 1st 5 dates, and then 2 times having sex i felt pretty much the way you describe, but now I can't get enough of her . So, maybe give it some more time. Of course, on the flip side, there are no guarantees, and this would only make it harder to break up if it doesn't pan out
likestolaugh Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 plz read my first thread on these forums if you want a description of a situation very similar to your own. For me, the physical attraction thing became less of an issue the more I got to like her personality. That said, looking back (and maybe it's just because I'm now seeing someone who I find crazy hot and a great personality) it was really easy to get over her ending the relationship. All I had to do was look at the unflattering pictures of her. Sounds harsh, but true. I now believe physical attraction is very important.
winsmith-84 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I've always found love, or whatever that feeling is, comes after lust and works better that way. I feel a physical attraction for a girl first, and then after knowing her, I may develop into some other feelings. I've never found it to work the other way around.
Viking Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I am just looking for advice as to the best way to put this to her? Without just saying "yeah I just don't feel physically attracted". http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t179816/ Eh eh?
Isolde Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I mean personally, using physical attraction as a break up line (cause its been used on me, unbelievable, i know lol jk) is something you remember, and especially if she has heard it before... its a much deeper wound, something that definitely can lead to disastrous future relationships or even severe depression. I'd have to agree with this. It just ... hurts to be told this, no matter who you are or what your background is. This is even more true if she's going through an otherwise rough time. I know the general advice on this board is to be honest and not treat others like fragile flowers, but I think in this case you'd be best off being gentle--ESPECIALLY since it's not like you're repulsed by her or anything. The truth is you don't feel the spark, it doesn't feel quite "right." Tell her that. This does not mean exactly the same thing as not being attracted.
prettybaby Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 if she agrees that she doesn't mind just sharing something casual and being close but not in a committed relationship, then that would be good. But I feel like she wants something pretty serious. Don't even get there. A nice clean breakup is the way to go. You don't want to get into some messy strictly sexual type of deal, especially when you're not even that attracted to her in the first place. It's bound to turn into a big mess, and you know it.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Take a chill pill... geez, your just giving a guilt trip that doesn't help the situation AT ALL. He gave the relationship a chance to work based on personality. If you date anyone for ANY extent of time you know that it progresses physically, and making out... come on, this isn't high school, its standard stuff. I give him props for actually giving it a shot, he's probably a bigger man then me cause I am a pretty... visual creature. . I just don't like mucking people around thats all its my opinion I'm not trying lay any guilt trip at all! if he or any one else takes it that way thats not my fault. Really so making out means nothing at all these days ha? I wouldn't just make out with my mail man but guess thats just me lol.. it would have to for me as a women be some one I have real feelings for. And I would also take things getting to that point as a def sign the guy really was into me in every way which as hes said himself poster #1 isn't. Thats were I was going with my posts I'm not trying to bash him good on him for not letting it get to the sex stage I give him credit for that! And Ive dated people for years doing just what #1 was trying to do look past/ignore the lack of attraction and guess what? It didn't progress it stayed that way and any relationship I tried that with did the same and in the end some one or both of us usually ended up getting hurt! So no it doesn't always progress in time no matter how much we may want it to...
GoodOnPaper Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 BUT, here is the problem. I just don't feel a big physical attraction to her. And I know how everyone talks about personality being the main thing, and hey I agree. I myself am a pretty average looking guy and by no means am I like a player or anything. But for me it feels weird. When we are getting physically intimate it feels good obviously, but the rest of the time I am not feeling like "butterflies" or anything. Like if I would have just randomly seen her on the street I would not have been interested in her physically speaking . . . What would be the best way to tell her this without sounding horrible???. Your situation is very much like mine when my wife and I got together. On the one hand we clicked on many levels, while on the other hand, I didn't want to be seen with her (overweight issues). Unfortunately, she was very much into me and I didn't have the nerve to break it off. The lack of lust at this stage in your relationship will make it VERY difficult for long-term intimacy to develop. I thought just moving on to the next stage in life (and then the next stage, and then the next . . .) would help, but I had the cart before the horse. If you decide to break it off, try not to think about the guilt about seeming horrible. Maybe a quote on breakup guilt from the No More Mr. Nice Guy website will help -- "Women are only fifteen minutes away from their next relationship."
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