broncos23 Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 After searching all through the internet, as well as forums, I really could not find the answer to how to go about handling a "break". When it comes to a full break up you have your techniques that you can use such as NC or whatever it may be but how do you go about a break. Of course every situation is different but you at least have a general outline on how to go about it. From my own experiences I just think that "breaks" don't work or at least in my case they do not. I have had experiences where the relationship continues just as it was before just without the tittle. And just recently my gf told me she needed a break and it really made me think on how to go about one to make the relationship work again. I want to know how to go about one. Maybe you could share your past experiences or how you dealt with them and maybe with all this we could compile something to make a "Break Blueprint". Thanks.
EmperorR Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Break is just a nice way of saying break-up
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 The difference between a break and a breakup can be compared to a job scenario: Let's say you work in a busy retail place like Best Buy or something, and it is your day off but you decide to go in there to shop. You walk in and it is busy as hell, your fellow employees are all in their uniforms and sweating their way through customer after customer and putting every effort they have to give good customer service and follow all the rules they need to in order to keep their jobs. You, on the other hand are in there in jeans and a tee shirt, taking your time, not obligated to help anyone, doing what you want to do - because you are off the clock. You don't have to follow the rules, follow a dress code, or even be nice to customers - because you are off the clock. Your coworkers see you over there loafing around and are a bit resentful because here they are working their butts off and you are loafing. They can't say much because - you are off the clock. Eventually you have to go in the next day or the next and it is back to the timeclock, the rules, the uniform, and the work but for now... you are off the clock. That is a break in a relationship. It is like being off the clock but walking around your workplace. Technically you can do whatever you want with your time. Breaking up would be like walking into your job and quitting. Right now, your girlfriend is like that employee loafing around off the clock doing what she wants, knowing that if she wishes she can come back later and clock in. You are the overworked boss watching her walk around do nothing in the workplace, but can't say anything... because she is off the clock. In a break, there really isn't anything you can do to fix things. That ball is entirely in the court of the person taking the break. Another thing to realize is that people don't take breaks to figure out if they love their partner and want things to work - they take breaks to figure out why they don't. The best thing to do when someone hands you a 'break' is to hand them a solid 'break up'. That usually helps their 'thinking process' some when you take away the backup plan. They really have to decide what it is they want without emotionally loafing around on your time.
haley121 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I just did a month-long break a little while ago, and it ended in a break-up. I think breaks can help both people think, and sometimes they end well, but they usually don't because if there's a need for a break in the first place, the relationship probably isn't the strongest. Also, keep in mind that some people will use breaks as an easy way out even though they already know they want to break up. That's not the case every time, but it's something you should pay attention to. Rules for a break: 1.) Determine the reason for the break. Why is it needed? What are you or your S.O. hoping to gain from it? If you or your S.O. can't answer these questions, then a break will not help you at all. 2.) Talk out how the break is going to go down. How long will it last? Will you talk at all during it? Can you see other people? Be very specific about the "rules." I suggest 100% NC and being able to date other people (but just casually, not seriously). I think treating it like a temporary break-up (with the possibility of permanency) is the best way to go, but you can figure out what rules will work for the two of you according to why you need the break, etc. 3.) After the break ends, have a serious discussion and get right at the heart of the matter. Talk about any realizations you had during the break. Decide if you want to make the relationship work, and if so, what you are going to do to improve things and make sure that you won't need another break in the future. At this point, if your relationship is still very hazy on either side, don't drag things out any longer. It's over. 4.) Be as prepared as you can for the relationship to be over when the break ends. Maybe you'll be able to work it out, but try to approach the situation without expectations because otherwise you may be in for a rude awakening. 5.) Keep yourself as busy as possible. Meet new people! Do new things! Don't just sit around on your butt counting down the days til you can see each other again. Even though my break ended badly, I'm still glad that I did it. It allowed me to gain back my confidence and independence, and it helped me to see my relationship with renewed perspective so that I was more ready for the break up when it happened (though it still hurt tremendously, of course). I'm an advocate of using breaks as long as they're only used when the situation really calls for it and if they're handled well. Breaks are rough because they put you in "relationship limbo," but just use the time to work on yourself and experience life. I hope your situation ends well.
Touche Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 In the end "breaks" almost always lead to break-ups. Because even when the break results in a second chance, second chances almost never work out. So yeah, a break signals the beginning of the end in one way or another. If someone wants a break, I'd just turn them loose completely. Not worth prolonging the inevitable.
Zapbasket Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 If someone wants a break, I'd just turn them loose completely. Not worth prolonging the inevitable. I agree. If you want to leave the door open a tiny crack for them (in case the break makes them realize how much they *do* want to be with you), tell them, "Fine, if we are going to take a break, don't contact me unless it's because you want to get back together." And then, treat your "break" as a solid break-up in your mind. Focus on moving on and whatever you do, don't contact her. Date other people. That way if you never hear from her, it won't matter, because as far as you were concerned it was a breakup anyway.
Author broncos23 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 The job scenario is really interestring. I've never looked at that way. I guess its always better to compare something to something else to have a better understanding of it. As far as the break goes I think I am just going to give it a week and after that if she still is hesitant than time to move on. Though as much as I would like to make this worse it seems that all of you do tend to agree that a break is just a hint of the future of what really is to come.
Touche Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Yeah, I mean think about it...how many happy couples do you know who have been together for at least a few years, needed a break from each other at any point in time? I bet hardly any at all (if any.)
Author broncos23 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 Yeah that's pretty right. I guess it's like putting a bandaid on a wound when in reality you need stitches.
openbook08 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Break is just a nice way of saying break-up you said it. if they want a *ucking break tell them to have a kit kat.
Author broncos23 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 you said it. if they want a *ucking break tell them to have a kit kat. HAHA . That is probably one of the funniest and most original thing I've heard in a while.
openbook08 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 well glad it made you laugh!! goes along same lines of 'if they want space tell them to become a *ucking astronaut' and my new fave courtesy of citizen erased - 'dont piss on my back and tell me its raining' sometimes ya just gotta step back & laugh
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