What do I do?

[HurtingInNC]

Hello all...

 

Unfortunately, I found this site because my marriage is seemingly over...

 

Here's a not-very-brief synopsis of the situation I have been plunged into as of recent:

 

My wife of almost 4 years, whom I love dearly, has made it known that she is "unhappy" and has a desire to separate. When asked about what she is "unhappy" about, she does not have an answer, and only offers that it is not my fault.

 

Our issues started, seemingly anyways, towards the end of last year. She would often speak about a male co-worker and her talks with him. Everything seemed innocent enough, and I knew the guy was married. I just wrote it off as them being good friends, and having everyday conversations. I started getting uneasy feelings though about the situation between them. I don't really know what caused it other than intuition.

 

Also towards the end of last year, I found a cigarette lighter, and eventually cigarettes in my wife's car. I had "snooped" in a way I guess, because I had smelled smoke on her several times, to which she always wrote off as being around others whom smoked at work. I pilfered in her car because something was telling me to do so, and sure enough I found the evidence. It had been an issue in the past with us, and I had made it known long ago that I did not approve, and that I felt I could not be with a smoker. When I found the evidence, I confronted her subtly, to which she denied any knowledge of what I found nor how it got there. I knew she was lying to me about it and just simply playing dumb.

 

The cigarette issue, no matter how much I disliked it, I was over it for the most part. Then came the day that I found out that her and the previously mentioned male co-worker had went to lunch together by themselves. I made it known that I was not pleased with that scenario, and that I would prefer that if she were to go to lunch with him, a third party would at least tag along. I could tell this angered her, and that basically she didn't have to abide by my wishes if it was not her choice to do so.

 

Basically, I accepted that she would do as she pleased.

 

Well, then came our first snow day in a while. A female co-worker had picked my wife up that morning to take her to work (she had a better suited vehicle for snow travel). My wife told me that afternoon that the woman that had picked her up was going to have to leave early, and that the again previously mentioned male co-worker offered to bring her home. I was not pleased, and since I was leaving my own job early, I offered to meet her after work and pick her up myself. She refused the offer, stating that it would be out of my way, and questioned why I would waste the gas (it was maybe 15 more minutes worth). The guy brought her home, and came in with her. I acted hospitable even though I was not pleased that I had been rejected. We gave him a tour of the house, and he seemed personable enough that I had accepted once again that they were just friends.

 

Then came another day here and there where I had found out they had been to lunch again... just the two of them.

 

I began asking more and more questions about their relationship, to which my wife always closed off to or got angry at.

 

In January of this year, we had to get new cell phones. She got a Blackberry. I had always kept a check online of the numbers dialed and received on both of our phones, and I tried to identify any number I didn't know. I did not let her know this, as I knew she would say I was spying on her or something of that nature. My feelings were that she should not have anything that she had to hide. The whole cigarette thing was a starting point for my trust issues, and this guy was magnifying them ten fold.

 

If I ever asked to see her phone, she immediately became defensive as to why I needed to see it. She is a very social person, and she gets a lot of text messages and emails. When she seemingly became more secretive about these messages, my trust meter was going off the charts.

 

We had had a spat about something, I think it was the cigarette/this guy/phone and email secrecy thing at the end of January, in which she fled the house and spent the night at a hotel for 3 nights. We had some contact, and agreed that we would try to work on things. Even then though, separation was threatened against me.

 

We had gotten back together and things seemingly were okay for a few days. Then, contact with this guy was again confirmed. She would meet any of my attempts at getting information about him or their relationship with hostility and anger, and refused to acknowledge anything was going on.

 

We were civil with each other, and things continued being okay for the most part.

 

Then came the night that I couldn't take it any more. She had just completely distanced herself from me both mentally and physically. As we lay in bed that night, after I had tried to initiate some sort of physical encounter that she met with pushing me away, I broke down. I asked if I was no longer attractive. I asked what I had done to deserve this emotional treatment in which I was basically just "there." Being tired, she basically just argued for a few moments that I shouldn't worry about it, and that she didn't know what was wrong. I stayed awake for the most part the whole night. She said this co-worker's name in her sleep, and that only made things worse.

 

The next day, I couldn't function at work due to emotional stress and lack of sleep. I notified her that I would be leaving just after lunch to go home and get some sleep. We had been discussing moving out of our current house and she had scheduled us to look at 2 houses that evening, so I told her I would meet her at a location near them as she got off of work.

 

When I got home that day, my suspicions were ripping me apart inside. I had remembered seeing her type part of her email password in not too long ago, so I decided to see if I could get into it. I know this was wrong of me, but I am glad I did it, and devastated at the same time.

 

I found a text message that had failed to deliver, but then redelivered later. Basically, it was stating her affection for someone to whom she said was "sexy as hell" and had "blue eyes that she would do anything for." It was sent a week earlier, which was one week after our other fight and at a time when I thought things were getting better. It led me to believe something emotional WAS occurring with the possibility that something physical could have or was going to. Immediately, I figured it was this co-worker.

 

Needless to say, I didn't sleep. I met her that evening and we looked at the houses. The whole time, this new knowledge was eating me up inside. Valentine's Day was only 3 days away, so I was debating if I should say something then, or after the 14th. Basically, it was slowly destroying me from the inside, and I felt if I waited, it would kill me.

 

I confronted her about it that night. At first, I offered her the last chance to tell me anything she might have ever said to anyone that she knew might have hurt me. She denied that she had said anything like that. I asked if she would let me read her email, to which she at first agreed, but then a few moments later changed her mind. She went to start packing a bag again. That's when I pulled up the message myself, and read it to her, practically in tears.

 

It angered her that I had obtained it, of course. I told her that it didn't matter how I obtained it, and that it mattered that I needed to know who it was sent to and why.

 

What followed was probably the worst night in my life. I basically snatched up her phone and keys, and refused to let her leave until I got some answers. Looking back, I should have never done it. Before the night was over, she had screamed out of the window to attract the neighbors attention, the Sheriff had been called, and I had finally allowed her to leave (still with no answers other than her denying I even knew who it was, and saying that I wasn't "there for her")...

 

No, I never hit her. She did end up with some marks on her arms where she had been trying to get her phone out of my pocket (which she ripped one whole side of my pants trying to do, and came at the pocket with scissors at one point even) and I was trying to pull her arms away (some minor cat-esque scratches that kill me knowing they probably came from my hands)....

 

She ended up at a hotel for another 3 nights. Any attempt to get answers on my part were futile, until she at least eventually confirmed it was this male co-worker. She swore nothing ever happened (physically I assume), but I still don't know.

 

She agreed to go out of town with me on Valentine's Day to try one last time to work on things. The day seemed good, and I felt like maybe I was reaching her. When we got home, she allowed me to question her about it. She swears that nothing physical ever happened, and that she didn't know if it would have. She told me then that she would break off any extra-curricular contact with this guy and that she thought we might be able to work things out. I told her I had forgiven her for sending that text, but assured her that I was still confused as to the whole situation between them, to which she still wouldn't talk about.

 

So, I was basically left wondering what had taken place between them, and what had been said by both of them to each other.

 

Last week, she emailed me during the work day. Basically, she said that it was not fair that she keep dragging me along. She stated again that she was just not happy, and did not know why. She assured me that it was not my fault, and that she loved me more than anything. She said she wanted a separation.

 

After a lot of confusion, my thoughts again turned to this relationship with her coworker. I asked if it involved him and if she could just be honest with me about any goings on between them. She cannot talk to me about it, but assures me nothing ever happened. I still have my doubts, which mainly revolve around why she cannot talk to me about it if it were nothing more than words.

 

I ended up being able to view our new month's cell phone records. This guy had more contact with my wife than any other number, and it was both her dialing him and him dialing her. There were several calls over 10 minutes in length, and several while she was away from me at the hotel. There was also one around 12:20 something in the morning on Valentine's Day, the last night she had spent in the hotel before we went out of town.

 

Upon finding this new information, I hit another emotional roller coaster. I had had enough. I called this guy, and he denied having anything to do with her other than being her friend. I asked about the late and long calls, to which he responded that they were talking about me. When asked "what about me?" he stated that they were talking about my marital problems. He had to go and call me right back. In the meantime, I called my wife to question her about it and tell her that I had contacted this guy. Her first response was that "we're not together" (meaning me and my wife were having problems and pondering separation). I replied that we were still married, and that I was going to get answers one way or another. I called this guy back. He basically said that she was the one talking with him, denied remembering the early AM Valentine's Day call, and said that he was trying to keep his distance from her. I told him that it needed to stop, and that I would see his HR supervisor if I needed to do so. I called my wife back and told her that he basically said she was "crazy and that he was trying to stay away from her" to which she acted surprised. I asked her was that not what he was telling her, and she confirmed that it was not.

 

That evening, she wanted to go to our cell provider and split our plans. She is looking for another home, despite my pleas that I don't want that to happen. She still refuses to explain the whole situation between her and this co-worker. I have threatened to go to his HR officer, to which she gets angry because it would be messing with his "wife and kids," so I also threatened to call him again, to which she stated that he wouldn't be honest with me, so I threatened to call his wife, to which she did not want me to do either. She meets these threats with anger, and I feel she is protecting him with some delusion of whatever he is telling her in private as the backbone of it. I feel like he is making her promises, to which she is still believing or wants to believe, and that she is basically leaving me in hopes that something will be able to work out with him.

 

Okay, so I know that was a long story, but it's still probably not the half of it.

 

I know I was wrong and am still wrong on a lot of fronts, but this is just killing me.

 

Basically, today it was again confirmed that she will eventually be moving out. I still don't want that in a way, but I have also made it known that I could not take her back until I knew the whole truth about everything. Even if I never take her back, I still feel like I have the right to know what was said/done behind my back.

 

The more I think about it, the less forgiving I am becoming. I feel like if she is leaving me now, why should I take her back down the road knowing that she could just as well do it again?

 

I don't think I will ever be able to trust her again, and right now, it's just really uncomfortable still loving her more than anything in this world, having her still in the house, but still having so many questions that either cause anger or go unasked and unanswered due to desire to avoid conflict and keeping things civil while we are under the same roof.

 

Ugggghhh....

 

What do I do? Should I be more forgiving and just accept not knowing everything? Should I let her go and take her back if she comes running? Should I just give up now and start looking out for myself more?

 

Sorry this got so long, but the words started flowing as I started typing...

[Island Girl]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

The only way the two of you are going to be able to get through this is that from now on all is out on the table.

 

My friend went through this.

 

It is over 6 years later and they are better than they ever were but it took a lot of work for both of them.

 

He was the one who cheated. So basically he had to be an open book. Any question asked had to be answered with a straight answer.

He had to account for his time and he was scrutinized for a very, very long time. Not so much really anymore but on occasion.

 

Quit asking questions about what did and didn't happen.

Those answers aren't going to make you feel any better.

 

My friend still has never heard him say he slept with her. She assumes it to be true.

She had to make her mind up if this was something she could move on from with him. And so she imagined the situation at it's very worst - sleeping with her was the worst.

She forgave but will never forget.

 

And because of that level of betrayal he didn't have a cell phone for quite some time.

He was on quite a short leash but he was willing to do whatever it took to keep his family.

 

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. It's horrible.

[suzanne2009]

I know that it sucks and it hurts, but you need to pull yourself up and start thinking about yourself. I am going thru just about the same thing with the only difference being that I don't know who the OW is and quite honestly it doesn't matter really. I got all of the denials as well. That is standard operating procedure. You need to let her go and start focusing on yourself. Right now there is no need to debate with yourself if you will take her back since she is intent on leaving. Let her go. Let her miss you. Take one day at a time, but start putting yourself first. Also, for me the only way for me to be able to function was to go NC. It was LC while I was still in the house, but after I left I went total NC. That has helped me keep my sanity.

[cyabye]

What can you do but let her go? She is cheating on you. Definately physical at this point. You need to ask yourself this. Did you like the emotional roller coaster nonsense she's putting you through? It will NEVER stop. She will NOT communicate with you at this point and now she is leaving. Her actions will always speak louder than words.

 

My advice. Man up. Divorce her. Move through the hurt with dignity. Be sure to separate your finances from hers. Your wife left you for OM who is married and probably not really interested in a relationship with your wife other than physical.

 

If your wife DID come home, it would be because the OM rejected her in some way. Is that what you want? I promise you this. You will lay there next to her wondering all the stuff she did to OM and all the stuff he did did to her. All at your emotional expense. It will disgust you, make you angrier than hell and eventually bitter toward her. You will feel like less of a man because you took her back. You will ALWAYS wonder when she will do it again.

 

I've learned that once someone has violated your trust in this way, it's DONE. Good luck.

 

Hope this helps,

cyabye

[lkjh]

you need to man up. Tell the HR department and the OM's wife, do not be a doormat.

[HurtingInNC]

Well, after I posted this, I went into the bedroom to check on her and kind of feel her out about everything again. I started searching for answers about things again, which were again met with nothing.

 

I let my emotions get the best of me, and she started getting angry again. I said some things I probably shouldn't have said, but they probably needed to be said. I stood my own ground and told her that if she left me, it probably meant I could never take her back.

 

She got up and started packing up again and has just left, which she said it was for good this time.

 

She'll have to come back at least so we can go through the house and separate things. I found out she has already spoken with a lawyer and has one that has offered to do the separation agreement for us at no cost. I guess that is what we will have to do.

 

She wouldn't tell me the lawyer's name. Basically, she said we just have to list the things we will each be taking and he will write up the agreement that we both have to sign.

 

Do I need to consult my own lawyer?

 

Should I go tomorrow and take half of our money and split it into accounts in only my name?

 

She told me she hated me in the heat of the moment, and that basically we were done.

 

I told her that if she left, then she left knowing that I probably could never take her back. I wanted to make sure she understood that.

 

Now is the time I have to start looking out for myself.

 

Thank you all for the swift replies, and I will try to update you all on how everything goes. Hopefully we can keep it civil and out of court, but we will see.

 

Thanks again.

[Island Girl]

Do I need to consult my own lawyer?

 

YES!!!

 

Should I go tomorrow and take half of our money and split it into accounts in only my name?

 

If you do (and I would 1st thing in the morning)

 

Get and keep a printout BEFORE showing the balance and the most recent activity.

 

Then withdraw your half and open a separate account.

 

 

AND I AM SO SO SORRY.

[HurtingInNC]

YES!!!

 

Well, I have spoken with one and will probably contact him again before the actual divorce, but if this one is just going to do the agreement, I still have to sign it, correct? I could speak with my own counsel then if not before, and just let them go over the agreement's legal terms and give them to me in layman's terms, no?

 

If you do (and I would 1st thing in the morning)

 

Get and keep a printout BEFORE showing the balance and the most recent activity.

 

Then withdraw your half and open a separate account.

I am pretty sure at this point that I will be doing this. I had printed a balance sheet this past Friday, but we have had some activity. She took the bills with her tonight, and I asked her if she was going to go ahead and pay them. She said she would if she found a place to stay that allowed her to (she took her laptop and she has all the online access to our credit cards and other bill senders). I don't know that I should wait for her to pay them, or just leave half of those known bills (which I copied Friday too in case I needed to know what the balances were) in the account that I remove money from.

 

You think that would work?

 

 

AND I AM SO SO SORRY.

Thank you very much! I just wish she could have brought herself to utter those words, and mean them...

[Island Girl]

You absolutely need to have your own counsel check the agreement before signing it.

 

And you can tell her to hold off on paying the bills that she hasn't paid by the time you get to the bank.

 

Tell her AFTER you go to the bank of course so she doesn't withdraw the funds before you can since she has computer access.

You can also talk to the bank about shutting off the online banking or removing you from the account while you are there.

 

The credit cards need to be handled immediately as well. That is why you need to talk to your own attorney right away.

 

Do not leave anything up to chance. Do not believe that "she wouldn't do that" because you didn't think she'd cheat and she did. You didn't think you'd ever hear her say she hates you and she did.

You didn't think she'd ever leave and she did.

 

So now that she has you have to assume ALL things are possible.

That means she could rob you blind, take what is rightfully yours in an instant, not be "fair", etc.

 

You have to look at this as business now. No emotions involved. And protect yourself and think about you and you only.

 

Don't get wrapped up in "where will she go", "she doesn't have any money", etc.

 

She made her bed. Let her lie in it.

[signedin2008]

Why are yout NOT telling his wife what has been taking place? Tell her every detail that you know of including that late V-day call. I am sure his wife would be surprised to find out about that? IF you were in her shoes, wouldn't you want to know that your spouse is having a "possible" affair with a married person that resulted in a divorce?

 

Do the right thing.....tell his wife.

 

With regards to the disclosing to human resources, use your judgment. But, you have to tell his wife what you know.

[Gunny376]

Have ALL the funds withdrawn and then call the credit card companies and have them issue you new accounts in your name only and then have the blanaces transfered to the new accounts. Take 100 % responsility for any and all debts.

 

Go to a book store and at least thumb though the section about divorce in a book titled "Re-building Your Credit For Dummies"

 

Speak to every diovrce attorny for fifty miles around, once they've spoken with you they're bound ethically not to speak with the STBXW, even if you don't retain them. She's probally not spoken with one and I would be very surprise if she found on that draw up a seperation aggreement for "free"? Lawyers don't do anything for "free" and stay in business for very long especially in this economy. BS!

 

 

The "scorched earth" policy in that you need to be looking out for yourself. If she needs money? She can ask you for it and you can dole it out as you see fit, while making sure that the bills are being paid. That's your responsibility unless you want to eventually end up with a much lower FICO/credit score, and/or other credit problems.

 

Change the locks to everything unless you find your coming home to an empty house or partially empty house.

 

Call the HR manager where they work at, if that puts his wife and children in trouble? Oh well, HE should have thought about that before he started pursuing a relationship with another man's wife, and "dating the payroll" (How freaking stupid is that? Even a dog knows not to crap where it eats! I'm single and know better than to date the payroll!)

 

Then you call his wife, his mother and father, his preacher, his freaking neighbors, his best friend, his dog. Find out where he and the DW go to church and then stand up and testify in front of the enitire congegation and testify and don't hold back! If you CAN affford it, take out a billboard for a month just outside of where she works.

 

They don't have any consideration for your feelings why should you have any for theirs? This @sshat has ripped your world apart, why shouldn't he have the priviledge of sharing in the same that he's put you in?

 

Where in the Hell did you ever get it in your head that this was the best that you could do and deserve? What one woman will refuse, another can certainly use!

 

There's not a shortage of men ~ but any woman that's single will tell you that there's a shortage of good men! I mean for real! Factor in all the druggies, the drunks, the crack-heads, the crank-heads, the slackers, the under-achievers, the sex addicts, the gambling addicts, the one's that have a rap sheet, are in prison, that don't/can't hold down a job, or are working in some POS low-paying, no-paying job with little or no chance of moving up in the World! Come on!

 

I realize your self-esteem and what-not has taken one in the bow like the USS Arizona on 7 Dec, but you've got to pull it together and get your act together quick, fast and in a hurry like ~ You married a cheater, a liar, a dishonest person.

 

And she's going to try to pull one out of the "Cheaters" playbook and blame it all on you.

 

A man cheats? Its his fault! A woman/wife cheats? Its still his fault!

 

He worked to much!

He didn't work enough!

He didn't pay me enough attention!

He didn't help with the children!

He didn't touch me just right!

He didn't cuddle with me enough!

He was too cuddly!

He was too focused on the children.

 

Yada, Yada, Yada!

[LakesideDream]

Yea Guns, I'm feeling a bit over vicious myself tonight. I enjoyed your analysis of the sitrep and plan of action. Hit fast and hard, get em back on their heals. Our weakness is being light infantry. Once we do our damage we're tired and we know it's time to let the heavy's hold what we got.

[Island Girl]

I love Guny.

 

After reading that I wanted to stand up and salute! lol

 

OP do exactly what he said and put all of your emotion in just getting the tasks done.

 

And I agree you need to tell the work and the wife.

 

Hell, I agree with everything Gunny said.

 

He is such a MAN. Who-RAH!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Expose to the wife, HR people, and get a bulldog lawyer and have her served at her job all within the samn damn day!!!

 

Let the chips fall where they may.

[Gunny376]

Yea Guns, I'm feeling a bit over vicious myself tonight. I enjoyed your analysis of the sitrep and plan of action. Hit fast and hard, get em back on their heals. Our weakness is being light infantry. Once we do our damage we're tired and we know it's time to let the heavy's hold what we got.

 

The Chosin?

 

Hue?

 

Que San?

 

Flaguia?

 

Ok? The Marines have done thier thing and now its "safe" to send the Army in.

 

Now the First MarDiv (Ref) is going into Southern Afaifghastain!

 

Oooorahhhha! Get some!

 

FEAR ME! :mad::mad:

[HurtingInNC]

Okay... So I know my last post was made after a blowup, and I realize that everything I have said, while true, was probably said in anger and appears rather one-sided...

 

I took some money out and put into my own accounts... I took what we had, divided it in half, figured out outstanding bills, and subtracted half of that from the half of the total...

 

I sent her a rather lengthy email explaining that action, and the other actions that would probably need to take place at some point... She couldn't get to the email until today, and she told me it made her a little ill.. I told her not to be, and that I fully expected her to take the same amount out and set aside for herself...

 

Well, last night, she had sent me a message, stating that regardless of all that was happening, she loved me more than anything, and that she still saw me as her soulmate.. I told her it was nice to hear it, but it sure didn't feel like it.. We had a brief civil exchange, and told each other goodnight..

 

Tonight, she called me to check in for a minute... We talked for a few about things and she still seemed to insist that she would be moving out at some point soon... It ended up that I heard her say something about not having enough money to do her laundry (she had went through a drive thru for supper).. I told her to come over and let me wash them for her, and that she could just watch TV while she was here, and that I wouldn't try to talk about anything...

 

It ended up being a good visit... We kind of held each other for a few moments at different times, and even kissed a little... Once we got her laundry squared away, she packed it all up and headed back to the hotel...

 

Once she got there, she sent me a message, and we talked for a good bit... She opened up to me finally about a lot of stuff, and answered all of my questions....

 

Nothing physical ever happened with the coworker, and I truly believe that now... Basically, he was giving her the attention that I wasn't at times, and she latched onto it...

 

I asked if she could stop contact with him outside of work, and she agreed that it would not be as much, and that she would distance herself... She also agreed on no more lunch dates with just the two of them...

 

She assured me that I was the only one she has been with since even before we were married, and that she was still very attracted to me and still wanted us to work out... I trust her on all of that...

 

The only thing I don't get is that she still seems set on moving out. She claims it is because she feels like we need to start over, and that by moving out, we could begin "dating" again, and it would allow us a fresh start... I tried to explain to her that I would feel abandoned, and that it would cause issues monetarily as well as mentally for both of us... Basically, I told her that if she followed through, I could not guarantee that I wouldn't start letting her go...

 

So, what is the next step? Do I let her move out, try to work things out, and see what happens? Do I let her move out, start to let her go, and never look back? Do I try to convince her to stay in our current setup and that we can work around our problems that are making her want to leave (arguments)?....

 

Ugghhh.. I hate this emotional roller coaster.. I have hope, and then I don't...

 

Thank you all for your advice, and your patience... I know this is kind of complex...

[Mountains10]

Okay... So I know my last post was made after a blowup, and I realize that everything I have said, while true, was probably said in anger and appears rather one-sided...

 

I took some money out and put into my own accounts... I took what we had, divided it in half, figured out outstanding bills, and subtracted half of that from the half of the total...

 

I sent her a rather lengthy email explaining that action, and the other actions that would probably need to take place at some point... She couldn't get to the email until today, and she told me it made her a little ill.. I told her not to be, and that I fully expected her to take the same amount out and set aside for herself...

 

Well, last night, she had sent me a message, stating that regardless of all that was happening, she loved me more than anything, and that she still saw me as her soulmate.. I told her it was nice to hear it, but it sure didn't feel like it.. We had a brief civil exchange, and told each other goodnight..

 

Tonight, she called me to check in for a minute... We talked for a few about things and she still seemed to insist that she would be moving out at some point soon... It ended up that I heard her say something about not having enough money to do her laundry (she had went through a drive thru for supper).. I told her to come over and let me wash them for her, and that she could just watch TV while she was here, and that I wouldn't try to talk about anything...

 

It ended up being a good visit... We kind of held each other for a few moments at different times, and even kissed a little... Once we got her laundry squared away, she packed it all up and headed back to the hotel...

 

Once she got there, she sent me a message, and we talked for a good bit... She opened up to me finally about a lot of stuff, and answered all of my questions....

 

Nothing physical ever happened with the coworker, and I truly believe that now... Basically, he was giving her the attention that I wasn't at times, and she latched onto it...

 

I asked if she could stop contact with him outside of work, and she agreed that it would not be as much, and that she would distance herself... She also agreed on no more lunch dates with just the two of them...

 

She assured me that I was the only one she has been with since even before we were married, and that she was still very attracted to me and still wanted us to work out... I trust her on all of that...

 

The only thing I don't get is that she still seems set on moving out. She claims it is because she feels like we need to start over, and that by moving out, we could begin "dating" again, and it would allow us a fresh start... I tried to explain to her that I would feel abandoned, and that it would cause issues monetarily as well as mentally for both of us... Basically, I told her that if she followed through, I could not guarantee that I wouldn't start letting her go...

 

So, what is the next step? Do I let her move out, try to work things out, and see what happens? Do I let her move out, start to let her go, and never look back? Do I try to convince her to stay in our current setup and that we can work around our problems that are making her want to leave (arguments)?....

 

Ugghhh.. I hate this emotional roller coaster.. I have hope, and then I don't...

 

Thank you all for your advice, and your patience... I know this is kind of complex...

 

My wife fed me that same line too. People who are married don't separate to work stuff out usually, they work it out together under the same roof. Sounds to me like she's trying to keep you on her side for financial reasons.

[toddro]

So, what is the next step? Do I let her move out, try to work things out, and see what happens? Do I let her move out, start to let her go, and never look back? Do I try to convince her to stay in our current setup and that we can work around our problems that are making her want to leave (arguments)?....

 

Ugghhh.. I hate this emotional roller coaster.. I have hope, and then I don't...

 

Thank you all for your advice, and your patience... I know this is kind of complex...

 

This is your mistake; you can not "let" her do anything. She is a grown woman and can make her own choices..... This is not 1957; the importance of making a marriage work has been eroded in this day and age. Women today are more liberated than at any time in history, the stigma of divorce has been erased...in fact just the opposite.

 

Today's society looks at a person making "themselves happy" as attractive, it’s a snowball effect. Commitment, Accountability and reason have been replaced by the "me" culture. Instead of trying to fix the problems and make a stronger marriage, the easy way out is seen as a acceptable even sexier choice. Marriage today is a joke, it means squat.

 

As long as a person has their looks and personality ( further inflated by having multiple partners or potential partners all pining for their affection) then it is not taboo for that person to milk it for all its worth.

 

She is using you; you are jumping through hoops and pumping her ego. If she is so desirable (Further enforced by your being her doormat) then why should she "settle" for you? Would you?

 

She is just doing exactly what she wants to do, being herself and you are questioning everything about yourself. Limit your contact with her, however you have to do this.

 

1. When you do have contact, keep it short and sweet.

 

3. Do not change yourself for the sake of her... that will only re-enforce her belief that its your fault in the first place....change yourself for the sake of either being totally comfortable with yourself alone or finding another partner. Try to find a happy medium between both I would suggest.

 

4. Do Not, try to be her knight in shining armor, again see the why above.

 

5. Do not help her with anything. Money, Time or effort...now this is the tricky part...because if you want her back you have to do this in a way that it seems you are just to busy. Don’t sit on the couch and if she asks you to help her carry a box ( Whatever , you get the idea) , don’t say " Nope, not my job"...that makes you seem like a jerk...just don’t be there when she needs you. Break an appointment or two and when she asks why.. sincerely say " Sorry, I really had planned to be there for that, I even wrote it down. but I had this come up or I just forgot...I guess my mind was somewhere else." But BE NICE.

 

6. Don’t let her suck you back in after a few days of this with tears or she is sick or she needs help, flip this on her. Make her have to chase you, don’t be fake or try head games...just be unavailable.

 

7. Don’t have hope, hope can drive a man insane. Treat her as if she were another man's wife...I feel like you are a stand up guy...would you make moves on another mans wife? Well, treat her like she belongs to another man...treat her like you are this single guy who cant hit on her or show her attention in a way that you would not want another man doing to her if you two were together... look at this way...She is taken and off the market and you are single! Treat her like that! Maybe she will see that the grass on the other side is the same color! If she trys to hug or kiss you act a little surprised ( not over the top here) and then tell her "you dont think its appropiate for a woman in a relationship to be kissing another man...or at least if she were with you...you would not approve"..... you are the one having the affair with her now..why is it ok for her to kiss and hug on you when she is with him, but it was not ok for her to kiss and hug on him when she was with you....see what Im saying here...now its Ok because you are the one being kissed? Thats not right...wrong is wrong...right?

 

Or, the other thing you can do is treat her like a slut when she tries to make a move on you, call her bluff.

 

But dont kiss her ass and wine and dine her, she will not respect you for that. She is already getting that somewhere.

 

Just be nice but indifferent.