sweetxallure Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 advice. Not sure why it cut that part out of the title! Hello, I'm new here.. I found this site when looking into how to deal with cheating. I would really appreciate any advice that can be given, and fully intend to show this message to my SO. Firstly, I want to describe our relationship a little bit. We are not married and have not been together that long. However, I've been in a relationship much longer, and never felt this level of intimacy and trust. From the very first, we've always spent a lot of time together.. good time. We get along, work really well together, and as far as I've ever known-made each other very happy. We have discussed living together in the near future, getting married down the road, and even our plans/wants as far as children go. Up until about two weeks ago I thought that everything was going very well. I was happy, he's never let on/told me that he wasn't (and I do ask sometimes) and we were behaving as we always have. Spending time together, being very loving and kind to each other, etc. Never, in a million years, would I have expected him to stray or hurt me. So, two weeks ago, all of that changed. Feb 4th (wed), we got into a very minor argument over him being rude to me while we were hanging out with a friend of his. Rather than fight, I decided to just go home. He proceeded to get drunk with his friend, not bothering to call/text me all night. The next day I ignored his calls while he was at work and I was getting over the minor hurt of it. That night we talked on the phone some, and a few hours later, I asked him to come and pick me up so that we could go to sleep together and just forget about it all. Basically, he said no, then changed his mind and told me yes.. was near my house at one point with my thinking he was going to pick me up, but then ended up going home with no explanation except that he wasn't sure he was allowed to, despite my telling him he could and that I wanted him to. The next day I saw him and was upset over his indifference.. he dropped me off, left, and didn't bother calling again. It just proceeded to get worse as the days went on.. I'd ask to meet and talk, he would make excuses or just tell me no. After a couple of days, it was to the point that he wouldn't even talk to me. Any question was ignored, or given an "I don't know." I was very hurt. Confused, and lonely. I didn't know why this was happening, what I had done. I'd stay home upset every night while he was out getting drunk with his friends. The whole time he would say that he did still love me, didn't want to be single, but could give me nothing in the way of whys or what was going on. On the phone, when I told him that if he wasn't willing to work on our relationship then we were already over, he just made excuses to get off the phone. So, that Tuesday, I went to his house to get all of my stuff. Stuff of mine I had left there, and things that we had bought for when we were to move in together. He wouldn't even look at me, but was obviously upset. Shortly after, he sends me a message telling me how sorry he is, that he still loves me etc but doesn't know why he was doing this. Still nothing as to what happened or what we were going to do. The next day he called and was actually talking, answering questions, etc. He sounded pretty bad, but was saying that he was sorry, wanted to be with me and loved me. He wasn't sure why he did what he did, but that it wasn't that he felt too tied down and needed a break. However, when I suggested meeting the next day and talking, he kept refusing. Telling me that he didn't deserve me, that he was a piece of ****, etc. I got suspicious, and asked him flat out if he did anything with someone else. He responded that his friend R told him he had one night while completely wasted, but that he doesn't remember anything. I got off the phone quickly, because I was so hurt. The next day I went to pick up something of mine that was in his car, and pretty much, end it completely. He kind of freaked out, and after I left, was sending my disturbing texts. Him doing dumb things and stuff that would end up with him hurt or in jail. I had decided to end it, but I did still love him and I would never want to see anything happen to him. I went to see him and we ended up talking about everything. I decided to try and work it out. He insists that he knows that he wouldn't do anything like that to me, but I know it's possible, as he doesn't know and his friend says that he did. However, said friend is very jealous of our relationship and the time he spends with me. If it did happen, he thinks that it happened after I had come and gotten my stuff, but he doesn't really remember any days specifically. Ever since I decided to try and make it work, it has pretty much been back to normal. Obviously, I'm still hurt and confused, but he really has been trying, and appears genuinely remorseful. But, I still don't know why him not talking/seeing me happened in the first place. If I don't know, how can I believe it won't happen again? How can we prevent it? And I still don't know for sure if he cheated. I don't know if he is being honest-that he truly believes he wouldn't and that his friend is just trying to cause problems. Or, if he knows that he did, regrets it, and is trying to hide behind being drunk. It's very hard for me, because of all the people.. I would have never guessed he might. I can't stop thinking about it, and it hurts that there is that possibility.. although I have decided regardless that I'd like to keep trying. As far as he goes.. he really has been being so sweet and caring. He is not hiding anything, has been super sweet to me, etc. Anytime I've been upset, he has tried to be supportive and understanding, though I still have to tell him that I want him to come to me.. not the other way around. But, with him not hiding anything.. he has taken to sort of.. trying to dig up stuff about me. Going through my phone, computer, etc. Asking me about what I did during that week.. and then seeming to not believe my answers. Now, I have never hid things from him, and nor do I have any reason to. I believe that had I done something during that time, it would have been justified.. but I never did. I couldn't even bring myself to hang out with friends for more than a few hours.. I was really a mess. It hurts my feelings quite a bit that he is the one in the wrong, and I'm the one being made to feel like I have something to hide or be guilty over. I feel like I've never been anything but loyal, and it's extremely insulting.. the way he has been acting. That, combined with not knowing about the girl, and about the reasons for it all happening in the first place is really leaving me hurt and confused. I'm scared that it's going to happen again.. scared that he is lying to me, and confused and insulted as to why I'm being made out to be the bad guy. I'm not really sure how to proceed, because we are actually very good, and the way that he has acted otherwise leaves me to believe nothing like this will ever happen again. I just want to be able to move on without doubts and work to rebuild the trust that he has destroyed. Thank you, really, to anyone that offers advice.
Author sweetxallure Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 I'd really appreciate it if any of you could give advice
campobellogirl Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Hi there, Oh to go back and see the signs early enough! I have been with my H for 18 years and I think hes cheating now so I worry abouth throwing all those years away. But it sounds like you haven't gotten too far into this and are not financially "entwined". Don't start out with all of the mistrust it will only get worse.What happens later on if you marry, have an argument,and he gets drunk and has another fling that he doesn't "remember". PLEASE . Listen to your instinct. I beg you.
MichelleS1983 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 SweetAllure, your boyfriend is lying. Plain and simple. First off, he's an irresponsible ass who feels the need to drink every night with his 'buddies' like some 18 year old dumbass who thinks he's cool. That's number one. Secondly, the liar knows damn well what he did with someone else, so his story about being "so wasted he can't remember" is utter bull. Have you ever been with someone who was so freakin drunk that they couldn't WALK, couldn't TALK, and didn't even know where they were? People in that condition can't even string together a coherent thought or sentence - yet he'd like you to believe that he was able to have sex with someone in this state? I've been with men in the past who had drank too much - weren't totally wasted but had clearly drank too much - and they had difficulty getting and maintaining an erection. Your boyfriend wants you to believe he was way worse than that - to the point of being completely wasted - and yet he was capable of having sex? He had sex alright, but he's using alcohol as his excuse for it, as many liars do. He knew exactly what he was doing while he did it, and obviously at least felt guilty enough to tell you. Most of them don't, so consider yourself lucky. But tell him to own his sh*t - he knows damn well he wasn't "wasted" when he did it.
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Totally agree. If you are THAT drunk, at least as a man, it's not POSSIBLE to have sex. You won't be able to get an erection let alone do anything with it!
Geishawhelk Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 He's using every weapon in his armoury to yank your chains, make you feel sorry for him and guilty for leaving him... His behaviour is completely inconsistent, and he's controlling, he's a bully and emotionally stunted. And if you do show him this thread - Good. You got some growing up to do boy, because being in a Relationship with someone, means acting upon these elements: ~Trust ~Respect ~Communication ~Effort and ~Commitment. You are sadly deficient in some of those... If I were sweetxallure - I wouldn't trust you to the wall, let alone "As far as I can throw you". You'd be permanent History by now. Sweetxallure...? Your mistake was taking him back.
2sure Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Sure, he is lyuing about the cheating. Maybe he was drunk and it was a mistake and he regrets it , and you want to forgive him. Thats all good. But that it isnt what happened and it isnt the problem. He told you he was so drunk he completely blacked out and has NO memory still of that night. Is this something that happens to him regularly?? Alcholics do have black outs but usually remember when prompted. So, really, this is hard to believe and if true, a more serious problem than a one night stand. The real problem here is his horrible treatment of you afterwards. Whether he remembered or not, lied or not, felt guilty or not....his treatment of you felt emotionally abusive didnt it? Because it was! Bad things happen, crisis occurs, feelings become confused - thats life/love. If this is what he does in face of an issue...expect more of the same.
Geishawhelk Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Oh, by the way..... advice. Not sure why it cut that part out of the title! From the Forum community Guidelines. It is important that threads are easily identifiable and as such we expect that posters will use descriptive thread titles which refrain from making general comments requesting assistance. We assume that all threads posted on the forum are seeking assistance and consider any requests for assistance within the thread title to be redundant.
Author sweetxallure Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 Well, as to the sex thing.. he maintains that he didn't do anything. It was only ever his friend R saying he did that made him tell me. After he talked to me (I told him he needed to find out) he says that he called this friend and the friend said he was probably f-'ing with him when he said that and that he couldn't remember the night either. I don't know. If his friend hadn't said that, I would have swore up and down that he wouldn't do something like that. And I KNOW he probably was as wasted as he says..he was going through a fifth of vodka to himself each night, and most of the time, doing shots out of a beer bong. I just don't know. He really is not that kind of a person. The boy nearly worships me and that first night when we were talking everything through.. he tried to tell me everything that he'd been up to, and he couldn't stop crying. I hugged him, and he was shaking. He does seem genuinely sincere and I can usually tell, if that makes sense. Sometimes he tells me things just to placate me, you know? The jealousy thing DOES bother me. It's kind of always been that way, for both of us. I was in a pretty abusive relationship before I started dating him, and his last GF cheated on him. It's just that after what happened, I guess I sort of expected him to refrain or something.. I don't know. Maybe I'm making excuses. It's just that.. to me, he does seem to regret not seeing/talking to me for that week.. though the reason makes no sense to me.. he just says he got caught up and let his friends pull him along. And he has said from day one that he doesn't believe he did anything. But why tell me at all then? I dunno. Also- it IS immature, and I'm not excusing it. But we are both quite young. So that behavior really isn't that out of the norm for our age.
Athena Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 It could be just that he is very truthful to a fault.... so that it only looks like he might be lying or covering up. Anyway, I think its very odd that the first bout of rudeness/distancing happened in the first place. What's up with that? Why did it happen? Does he feel uncomfortable getting too close to you?
Author sweetxallure Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 It could be just that he is very truthful to a fault.... so that it only looks like he might be lying or covering up. Anyway, I think its very odd that the first bout of rudeness/distancing happened in the first place. What's up with that? Why did it happen? Does he feel uncomfortable getting too close to you? I don't know. He's tried to explain it to me, but it makes no sense. He says that he isn't sure why he did it-just that at it started out as him wanting to just drink with his friends, and got out of hand, that he didn't mean for it to get to that point. He said the best he can explain it is that he feels like he lost himself? Makes no sense to me.
Athena Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Was that the same night that he supposedly went with the other woman?... I ask because, sometimes when a husband wants to have an excuse to get out of the house to see a lover, he finds an insignificant point to get into an argument about (usually by making his wife so mad that SHE responds by flaring up) then he can react by walking out of the house, and straight into his lover's arms, sometimes thereby securing the whole night with her. The wife, next day, feels very guilty for her part in the argument and is confused and hurt by H not coming back home, so she extends the olive branch for peace... then the ball is in his court as to whether he will take it, or still be stand-offish and distant. See how this works?
Author sweetxallure Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 No, the girl thing happened about a week after the initial not talking.
Athena Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Do you think there was any possibility that your b/f used the argument to distance himself from you in order to mentally give himself permission to go out and be available to other girls (whether he actually Did or Didn't sleep with her) -- do you think he used it as a ruse to get 'single' temporarily?
pelicanpreacher Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 You also have to contend with the undermining influence of a jealous friend who hasn't respect or empathy for your relationship. I question your boyfriend's maturity and commitment if he can be pulled so easily by the allure of his lateral friendships and juvenile antics like drinking himself into oblivion and partying like he's single. I think you need to take a step back and make an objective and critical assessment of this guy's behavior, inner motivation, and commitment to your relationship instead of allowing emotions to rule your destiny!
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