confuseddd Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 My husband is a terrible flirt and after years and years of it, I just can't take it any more. He is always flirting with the young girls at his work and sees no harm in it. He winks at them tells them their boyfriends better watch out, he'll steal them away....etc....He'll do this right in front of me. You gotta wonder what goes on behind my back. I find that disrespectful. Not only that, he is harsh and overbearing with me....I get treated like a dog and the girls he flirts with get treated like a princess. I know you are going to say I am just insecure. Whatever....I am just tired of it. HE gets really wound up about things and goes on and on about them. Like he'll talk about the economy and get almost beligerent about it all. He is controlling about a lot of things and has a hostile attitude that HE CAN'T SEE. He blows me off when I tell him that he is being an ********* or overbearing. He doesn't put me down, but his unfavor is obvious. It is very hard to pinpoint. I almost think if he would knock me around, I could look in the mirror and see the bruises. You can't SEE what he does to me. THe sex has always been mostly non existent. Even in the beginning. It got better with time (I think this is the opposite in most relationships) but he had some problems in that dept. and it dropped off to NOTHING. He took the little famous blue pill but said it made his heart race. So whadya do? That drives me insane because I am ready for it!!!!! It is sad to say that we don't have children, I just didn't want to have them. Mostly because of the way he is...and partly because I don't want to lose all my freedom that you obviously lose when you ahve children. I just couldn' stand the thought of my child feeling like I do. How do I tell him this? If it's the best he can do? We separated for 4 months (filed for divorce even) and went to marriage counseling. The counselor said we have distinct differences in our personalities. I hate it...I hate being at home thinking about him working with these young girls all day and only having about an hour or so to be with me before he goes to bed. I feel like he has the best of both worlds. He can do and say what he wants to all day, and have a soft, warm bed and the status of a successful wife in the community. I want to know why I can't divorce him? I feel sorry for him I guess. It's the best he can do...he says he can't change. He would have no insurance without me. He is 10 years older than me, further along in life to have to be starting over. WHy do I do this? Why do I make excuses for him? GEEZ! I stopped the divorce and let him come back home because it was getting close to THanksgiving and the holidays and I guess I just wasn't ready to face it alone. I was also afraid that it was REALLY over. I feel like I am in major limbo in my life (some of you even said so from my other posts) I feel SO STUCK. There is someone else who is the TOTAL opposite of hubby. He is more quiet like me...He THINKS before he speaks. (That drives me crazy about hubby....the impulsivity that he has). He seems to really care about me a lot although he won't have much to do with me b/c I am still married. When we separated, I convinced him to be with me, even though it made him feel badly. It was a real special time adn I could see something more with this man. I really could...he is so laid back about things where hubby was over the top about things. He really wants me to be divorced before anything else goes on between us and I respect that. I am just so worried that I am going to keep living like this. It has been a long time since my first post....I have posted many times on here and gotten some good advice and encouragement. But I can't make up my mind what to do. What do I do if I still care for him? I start to have good feelings again and then I start thinking about the flirting and how he can be so mean and ugly to me. I will hurt him if I leave him. It will hurt me too!!! I know he loves me but I just can't get past the differences. I am not a show off type person like he is. I am more quiet and reserved. Comments anyone? Whew, that all made my head spin. I actually feel better just typing this out.
Geishawhelk Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 You're needy, clingy, dependent and scared. You think he's necessary to your life but you will never find serenity and happiness with him, because you know his flaws, he knows his flaws, and nothing - not you, not him - will ever change them. You, because you can't fix him. Nobody can fix anyone else. Him - because he doesn't need to. If you keep taking him back and being a doormat, why should he wipe his feet on anyone else....? You'll do nicely. As you've proved. Until your eyes are sufficiently opened to the fact that you're stuck in a self-destructive spiral, then you'll keep on living in uncertainty and misery. Good luck with that.
citizen67 Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 You should leave him ASAP - you aren't getting younger, either is he. There are no kids to take into consideration. Reread your post then pack a bag
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I understand your situation and the hell of indecision that comes with it... But if you are fundamentally unsuited, then theres little you can do about that. If he were simply more loud and outgoing that would be one thing but as you say - he is also disrespectful and rude. So it is not simple a quiet V loud, intro V extro clash. It is a clash of morality where he can treat you cruelly and see nothing wrong in that. If you have an opportunity to be with someone more suited to you, than I think you should take it. If you have been unhappy this long I doubt it will change. But you should say to your husband that he is disrespectful and rude and see how he responds. If you've never called him on it, chances are he may not recognise he is even doing anything wrong. However I think these lines shouldn't even need to be set down, every person should be aware of the existance of these invisible boundaries that you do not cross.
jwi71 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Change. One word. Six letters. Simple really. And impossibly difficult. Your H has already proven with his actions and his words that he will NOT change. You have given him time, been to MC and even lived apart. And what changed? Nothing. So what will change in your M and your life with him? The same nothing. Accept it. Or leave. You have done all YOU can do. There is nothing left I can see for YOU to do to save the M. If you are NOT happy and he isn't willing to change...time to leave. Look at what you are missing...the man you met. Others like him are out there for you to meet..so go meet them. Fall in love. Meet a man with whom you WANT to have children with. (And yes, kids rob you of time and freedom...and I wouldn't have it any other way!) You did your best. Hold your head up and move on. Change.
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Got to add about the child thing (not that I have any)....as the above poster said they do rob you of time and freedom...but they also give you meaning and purpose. What would you really be doing with that time and freedom anyway? But I think it's normal to not want kids if its not the right person. You want kids when you meet a person that makes you think BOOM
LovieDove24 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I want to know why I can't divorce him? I feel sorry for him I guess. It's the best he can do...he says he can't change. He would have no insurance without me. He is 10 years older than me, further along in life to have to be starting over. WHy do I do this? Why do I make excuses for him? GEEZ! If there's one piece of advice that I have learned from studying my family's alcoholism that I could share with the world its that YOU CAN'T FIX ANYONE. In fact you are only *worsening* the problem by enabling it. Same as the wife who covers up her husbands drinking from the neighbors. She sees him passed out in the front lawn one morning and instead of leaving him there to embarrass the sh$t out of himself, she lets him dodge the bullet by dragging him inside. In essense, that is what you're doing. You're avoiding giving him consequence for his terrible, terrible behavior. And its only going to get worse. It is not your responsiblity, nor was it EVER, to fix him. People should enter into relationships offering their best selves...they should not be "fixer-uppers." That is an unfair load to bear and you know it. Now you know what you have to do. You've tried. Now its time to rally up your strongest team of supporters (friends and family) and plan and execute an evacuation plan.
jj33 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Why cant you divorce your H? I dont know the COBRA rules on this but isnt there some way you could include him on your insurance as part of your divorce settlement? Staying married because you feel sorry for him and he has no insurance is no way to live. Its a major concern that he would have no insurance but... there's got to be another way. What he does to you is called emotional abuse. But he hasnt gotten you down. Instead you have been strong and he has driven you away emotionally. Its all very sad. But there must be a way out. As Lovie Dovie said, dont stay on as a codependent. Take action.
Athena Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I see your situation as worse than just the question 'why can't I leave him?' You said I stopped the divorce and let him come back home because it was getting close to THanksgiving and the holidays and I guess I just wasn't ready to face it alone. I was also afraid that it was REALLY over. and you also said: There is someone else who is the TOTAL opposite of hubby. He is more quiet like me...He THINKS before he speaks. (That drives me crazy about hubby....the impulsivity that he has). He seems to really care about me a lot although he won't have much to do with me b/c I am still married. When we separated, I convinced him to be with me, even though it made him feel badly. It was a real special time adn I could see something more with this man. I really could... Hmmm --- So you could really see 'something special with this other man' and yet you gave him up and took back your husband, so that you wouldn't be alone for Thanksgiving? Firstly, why would you be alone for Thanksgiving, when you had Mr. Special OM around? Secondly, why would you take back your husband, when you KNEW that Mr. Special would NOT accept that? He told you he would not see you if you were with your H, or is THAT why you took H back? You don't want to find happiness with a more suitable partner? I mean, really -- how on earth do you think you are going to Find Happiness where you will never be able to get it? -- from your H who is not Happy-worthy material? If you WANT happiness, then go seek it from people capable of giving you a decent relationship, not a crappy one.
Author confuseddd Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 Thank you all for your comments. They have been very enlightening to read and helped me think things through more. And yes, jj, I do feel like he has driven me off emotionally. I told him when we got back together, it would never be the same. Even though he tries, I *KNOW* how he really is, you know? And Geisha, you're right, I know I am clingy, needy, etc. It's because I'm afraid of making the big mistake. But these days, I am more inclined to feel that staying is a big mistake. Athena, I would not have rushed out to be with Mr. Special....I don't think a separation will do with this man, he wants to see papers! I just felt sorry for hubby and I guess for myself is why I asked him back for the holidays. I don't know...I just had this sinking feeling it was really over...and I guess I just was not ready so I let my desperation call him back. I can see how you compare this to addiction Loviedovie...been a long time in the making and been bullied a long time. It is hard to stand up to that finally. Been doing that lately and he sure doesn't like it. I''m sure he knows another big talk is coming. When we split up before, it was a screaming match. THis time I don't see it going down like that. I am going to talk to him this weekend. It will truly hurt b/c I know he is doing the best he can. The most revealing thing is that I do NOT want to have a baby with him and I would most definitely consider it with this other man. That is the bottom line! THanks again guys...I appreciate your honesty in this situation.
jj33 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 When you are no longer engaged emotionally there is no more screaming. Because there is nothing to defend. He cant shake you from your position and you no longer need to convince him of anything. Much as you may care for him as someone you once loved or do still love but cant be married to, it doesnt change the fact that he no longer has an emotional hold on you. He cant manipulate you into accepting unacceptable behaviour anymore. Good for you for finding the strength to stand up for yourself. Its so insidious and its so damaging to live with someone who disrespects you and eats away at your self esteem. You should be very proud of yourself for not letting it beat you down. Good luck this weekend.
Athena Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 When you are no longer engaged emotionally there is no more screaming. Because there is nothing to defend. He cant shake you from your position and you no longer need to convince him of anything. (...) he no longer has an emotional hold on you. He cant manipulate you into accepting unacceptable behaviour anymore. jj -- Very well put!
Phateless Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Grow a pair of ovaries and leave him. NOW.
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