Sweet326 Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 I feel like I'm losing my mind this weekend! It hasn't helped that I was supposed to work all weekend, but my shifts were canceled both days. My daughter is gone to stay with her dad and I haven't left the house or spoken to anyone the entire weekend. Really bad on my part I know! So, I have cleaned house, done laundry and been reading past threads on this forum. I think that was a mistake! It's really made me pessimistic and wondering if this can really work. My other problem is lack of communication with my SO. Our only form of communication is cell phone. On the island where he lives there is no cell phone carriers, just prepaid minutes. To make matters worse, things there have been really slow and money is an issue. See, he retired at 32 and all his money is tied up in stocks and IRA's. When the stock market started taking a dive he moved some funds to a less risky account, but can't get his money until next month. Anyway, he hasn't been able to buy many minutes lately and we haven't had any communication all weekend! Thankfully, I will see him Wed. in Cancun and that's what is getting me through this. I don't doubt the way he feels for me and I think we have found something very special together. I just feel like this is too hard sometimes and wonder if it could possibly work. I'm so confused after reading past threads that I'm just not thinking clearly about this whole situation anymore. Help!!!!
Island Girl Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 I feel like I'm losing my mind this weekend! It hasn't helped that I was supposed to work all weekend, but my shifts were canceled both days. My daughter is gone to stay with her dad and I haven't left the house or spoken to anyone the entire weekend. Really bad on my part I know! I have had many days like this. MANY. SO MANY. So, I have cleaned house, done laundry and been reading past threads on this forum. I think that was a mistake! It's really made me pessimistic and wondering if this can really work. Why are past threads making you feel pessimistic? Your relationship is unique. You are two unique people who have come together and it is entirely up to the two of you how things go. If others experiences had anything to do with our relationships no one would be together let alone get married or stay married! My other problem is lack of communication with my SO. You want to talk lack of communication? Okay. Get ready to feel really appreciative of what you have!! Our only form of communication is cell phone. On the island where he lives there is no cell phone carriers, just prepaid minutes. To make matters worse, things there have been really slow and money is an issue. Well the island thing is familiar. I don't know which yours is on but mine is on a teenie tiny island in the South Pacific. It is so small on globes the country is just a name floatig in the Pacific because if they put a dot there it'd be too big and wouldn't be to scale! LOL He only has a cell and has to call using prepaid minutes. $12.00 is roughly 4 to 5 minutes. If I call him from my phone it is $1.71 a minute. Using Skype is the cheapest at $ .32 a minute. Right now my extra money is non-existent. He works for $2.50 cents an hour. That is actually a pretty good job in his country. But everything is very expensive there so it doesn't go very far unfortunately. He certainly can't spend a whole days pay to talk for just a few minutes. We used to talk everyday. But now with things the way they are we only talk once every couple of weeks. See, he retired at 32 and all his money is tied up in stocks and IRA's. When the stock market started taking a dive he moved some funds to a less risky account, but can't get his money until next month. Anyway, he hasn't been able to buy many minutes lately and we haven't had any communication all weekend! Thankfully, I will see him Wed. in Cancun and that's what is getting me through this. So you get to see each other NEXT WEEK?!! OMG Aren't you excited?!! It is always great to get to visit. And then the whole phone mess will be cleared up next month which isn't too far away. You can make it until then. I haven't seen my husband in over two and a half years. The last time we were together was August 12th, 2006. Before that we didn't see each other for three years. Yeah! I know right?!! YUCK!! I don't doubt the way he feels for me and I think we have found something very special together. I just feel like this is too hard sometimes and wonder if it could possibly work. I'm so confused after reading past threads that I'm just not thinking clearly about this whole situation anymore. Help!!!! If you have found something really special then it is worth holding on to. I always try to think about those less fortunate than I. There are plenty. What about those people who have never found love. I think of how it was when men went off to war in WWII. Those women would write letters and mail them off without knowing where their men were or if they were even alive. Every once in a while they'd get a letter and that's it. They couldn't just pick up the phone and call their SO. And I know if I absolutely have to speak with him I can. So I am grateful for that. I am thankful the two of us have found each other. I spent a lot of time and energy looking for I didn't know what. I only knew I hadn't found it. Then I met him. And it is the best thing in life. I can't imagine how empty all things would be without him. I am thankful that our hardship of being separated seems to be drawing to a close finally. It has been 7 years. I am thankful we have stayed committed and strong through the distance and other circumstances so that we now really will have a chance to live our lives together. It didn't break us. Our love is stronger for it. I now know we can make it through anything as long as we hold tight to each other. I know it gets tough. I know it is painful. You just need to decide if you are going to stick through it or not. Because once you decide then it is the way it is. There just are no questions anymore. No pessimistic doubts!
Author Sweet326 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 Thanks Island Girl, I was really hoping for a reply from you because you make me feel better. When communication slacks off I remind myself that he is out of minutes and will contact me when he gets more, but then those insecurities start creeping up. "What if his feelings have changed" "What if he's not missing me as much anymore". I hate those feelings!! I know once we see each other all of that will go away and we will have time to spend really talking and bonding even more. I just pray when we are together I can let go of these pesky insecurities and just enjoy our time. He's very good at expressing his feeling, so I'm sure it won't be a problem. As a matter of fact, he is very enthusiastic about his feelings and told me the other day that this feeling is amazing and he has never felt anything like this. Why do I think that has changed in a matter of days? Island Girl, I hope things are moving along nicely with immigration. I think you must be the strongest person I know and I can't wait to hear news that you two will finally be together!
Island Girl Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Thanks Island Girl, I was really hoping for a reply from you because you make me feel better. I really hope so. These relationships can be so hard and a lot of time it leaves us feeling more isolated in our everyday lives because all of the people around us, those that are supposed to be closest to us, just don't get it do they? It is frustrating when we feel like when we aren't talking to our SO that everyone around us thinks we're crazy and doubts our relationship. It's like we have to constantly (mentally) fight the silent opposition and cling to our brief conversations and the soaring feelings we have in those moments. Have you seen the movie Doubt? It's like the opening sermon in that movie. Everyone around us has it and we are the lone person standing against it. Tough, tough, tough. SOOO worth it in the end. But TOUGH. When communication slacks off I remind myself that he is out of minutes and will contact me when he gets more, but then those insecurities start creeping up. "What if his feelings have changed" "What if he's not missing me as much anymore". I hate those feelings!! I remember!! I think that is natural. Really. While we are speaking we feel the connection and there is NO question about being on the same page. Then while we are alone with our thoughts we start questioning if we were reading more into it, if it was really there like we think it was or if we just wanted it to be. I had some advantage because my husband and I were together here for about a year and a half before he left. But I still dealt with what you are feeling. And it was that way for some time. Thankfully we able to talk regularly then. So I had something to cling to when those intrusive thoughts came sweeping in. And they do, don't they? They just come in like a wave and suddenly your brain is in a whole different place like a runaway train. It helped me to talk to him about it. We made an agreement that if one of us was feeling insecure in that way we would talk each other down from the ledge so to speak. He'd have his moments too. His didn't come as often but they were more intense than mine. It took a lot more effort on my part to allay his fears. I don't know how many times I heard the dreadful words, "I have a feeling" and it was just crazy doubt fueling his thoughts of what possibly could be going on here. That I was out and about meeting someone else possibly who could do what he can't - hold me and be with me. Now, it doesn't happen at all to either of us THANKFULLY. But we have been doing this a long,long time. WHEN those thoughts come it helped me to think consciously, "there has been no action or inaction to invalidate the previous conversations. I have to remember who I am in a relationship with. I felt FINE when I spoke with him last and these are just fears of me feeling vulnerable. I will not let fear and my imagination run wild. He has shown me no reason to doubt him." That helped somewhat to at least keep the thoughts from driving me insane. I know once we see each other all of that will go away and we will have time to spend really talking and bonding even more. I just pray when we are together I can let go of these pesky insecurities and just enjoy our time. He's very good at expressing his feeling, so I'm sure it won't be a problem. As a matter of fact, he is very enthusiastic about his feelings and told me the other day that this feeling is amazing and he has never felt anything like this. Why do I think that has changed in a matter of days? That reminds me of another trick! I used to keep a call journal. And I would write down details of the amazing conversations we would have. I still have them although I don't do that anymore. * I should start that again. It was really helpful!* Anyway - I'd write down these amazing things he'd say - like that gift your man gave you - and then in those times of doubt I'd re-read them and it would take me back to that feeling I had on the phone almost instantly. That really really helped! And see?!! I had forgotten all about that! THANK YOU for triggering that. Island Girl, I hope things are moving along nicely with immigration. I think you must be the strongest person I know and I can't wait to hear news that you two will finally be together! Thank you so much. One of my friends here who knows the two of us from the beginning called me on Valentine's Day to say that too. It helps me tremendously to hear that. So much of my world is silent when it comes to my husband. - Does that translate? In any event, I'll let you know I am very anxious about what is coming with Immigration. I haven't expressed it here on LS but I have been laid off and now finances aren't what they were. It is the story of so many here in the US. *sigh* But when he interview is scheduled it will take quite a bit of money to get him to Fiji so he can turn in what he needs to and get the interview done. I am terrified that I won't have it when the time comes. So I am caught wanting it to get done immediately for my heart, mind, and soul (sounds totally cheesy but true) and wanting it delayed to give me time to find another job which I am finding is extremely difficult now. I have always been able to get a job right away but these times we're in are like no other that I have lived through. If the interview is scheduled we can reschedule it for a later time but that looks REALLY bad to the Immigration officials. *sigh* After all of the spilling of my guts I have to thank you for your kind words. It means the world to me. This LDR has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It is the first time I have ever been really committed to someone. In that sense it has made me realize my capabilities which is empowering. But waiting for it to come to fruition is beginning to wear both of us down. We are not questioning our commitment or love for one another. We just both want to say "we're through!" with the long distance crap. I hope I didn't ramble too much. Another sleepless night being stressed. So I apologize in advance if this isn't what you were looking for. I can't even edit at this point because everything is running together.
Lucky_One Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 T/J to Islandgirl. A word of advice -take ANY semi-decent job that comes along. You are going to have to demonstrate in a I-864 that you can support your husband at a level 125% above the US poverty level for your household size, or have someone else in your family sponsor him.
Island Girl Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 T/J to Islandgirl. A word of advice -take ANY semi-decent job that comes along. You are going to have to demonstrate in a I-864 that you can support your husband at a level 125% above the US poverty level for your household size, or have someone else in your family sponsor him. Thanks. Have that covered. All of that stuff has already been approved and done. They have four years of tax returns submitted and approved. All of these statements show I am at over 200% of the necessary income. I am willing to take just about anything. This happened only 3 1/2 weeks ago so I am moving along as fast as I can - it is just that for every one job 500 people are applying. Sorry for the off topic Sweet326.
Author Sweet326 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Just hang in there Island Girl, you are on the downhill side of this. It will probably be a matter of weeks and this will all be behind you. I loved the idea of the call journal! After I read your post I wrote down things he's said when we've talked previously. It really reminded me of how much he loves me. He has really put his heart out there and been so open. When you said so much of your world is silent when it comes to your husband I could so relate to that. Especially since I haven't told my daughter about our relationship and won't for a while. (she's still dealing with mom and dad not being together) So, I have to be so secretive. I can't wait until I can put a picture of us out and talk openly about him! Also, there's the fact that no one knows what this is like and just how hard this is. Thank heavens for this forum!! Well, I must go pack. Will be flying to see him tomorrow!!
Island Girl Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Just hang in there Island Girl, you are on the downhill side of this. It will probably be a matter of weeks and this will all be behind you. Thank you for the kind words. I worry too much. I have this whole time. So many things have happened that sound so far fetched but they have been real. I have stopped him from going to the dentist now because he may be coming so soon - I want him to see one here instead for anything because if there is a cavity the treatment they give is to pull the tooth. And since I saw him last he has had 6 pulled. It just stresses me out he lives in the conditions he lives in. And then the paperwork - the "what if's" that I KNOW I shouldn't ask but those doubting questions come anyway. The time that has gone by and keeps ticking. Ugh yuck. I loved the idea of the call journal! After I read your post I wrote down things he's said when we've talked previously. It really reminded me of how much he loves me. He has really put his heart out there and been so open. I know! I can't believe I forgot about that! So many here have said "how do I stay strong" or "how do you handle the time when you aren't talking" in various forms. And I have forgotten that this entire time!! It is SO helpful!! I think you have already seen it is like a miracle worker. Just rereading those blissful conversations snap you back from the drifting doubts. It is instant assistance and it is there for you no matter what time it is or what day it is. I am so glad I remembered! I hope others are reading this thread and catch on to the idea. I can not stress enough what a GREAT help it is!! When you said so much of your world is silent when it comes to your husband I could so relate to that. Especially since I haven't told my daughter about our relationship and won't for a while. (she's still dealing with mom and dad not being together) So, I have to be so secretive. I can't wait until I can put a picture of us out and talk openly about him! Also, there's the fact that no one knows what this is like and just how hard this is. Thank heavens for this forum!! I hear you o all of that! My mother HATES my husband and probably will never accept him so she just ignores the fact that he exists. The last 7 years have been convenient for her because since he isn't physically present it is very easy to pretend I am just a single woman on her own. As far as everyone else goes, most people have never known him except through my words. He was gone before I met them. The friends I have that do know him ask what is going on, when was the last time I spoke to him, etc., every time I talk to them. That is helpful. Do you have anyone you have confided in? If not, no matter. You have us here. And you can post here as much as you want and say whatever you want. Well, I must go pack. Will be flying to see him tomorrow!! Didn't that go by faster than you expected? You are going to SEE him tomorrow. KISS him tomorrow! I am beaming for you. Enjoy, enjoy!
KikiW Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Sweet - let us know how it goes! I just saw my LDR off on Monday and cried like any fool in love, we had such a wonderful weekend and my daughter just adored him Good luck!
Author Sweet326 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 Island Girl - I'm sorry to hear that your mom feels that way, it must make things even harder. I'm glad to hear you have friends that are supportive though. I hope once he is there your mom will grow to like him ( or at least accept him). I do have people to confide in and it really helps. My step mom is really great at giving advice and it was her brother that introduced me to my SO. I also have friends that met him when I did, so at least I have people here that know him (that helps!). Kiki - I am so glad you got to spend time with your guy, I know it wasn't nearly long enough! When I was at the airport last time I left from seeing mine I cried like a baby! Will be doing that again I know! Glad to hear your daughter liked him, was this the first time they met? Have you already talked about your next trip? Can't believe this time tomorrow we will be together! He told me today he can't wait to see me so he can "bare his soul to me". Don't know how much there is left to bare, but excited to find out!!
KikiW Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 YOU MUST BE SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW, I assume you are already with him I'm so excited for you :) My daughter has met him once before, but they didn't really get any time to spend together. This time there was lots of that, and she had lots of fun - played jokes on each other, teamed up against me or she and I teamed up against him... she said more than once that she wished he was around all the time Hope you have a wonderful time and look forward to hearing all about it when you get back.
Author Sweet326 Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 Got back Sunday night and hated every minute of saying goodbye! We both cried!! Well, we have a "light at the end of the tunnel" now. In 6 months (if all is still going strong) we will start making plans to be together!!! He is willing to move to me, which really shocks me because he lives on the most beautiful island in Belize and just loves it. I wouldn't want to leave! Until then, he is flying me down this month and next month. Then he is coming here in May (to meet each other's families!) and then he wants me and my daughter to come spend the summer. Oh I'm so in love!!
Island Girl Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Got back Sunday night and hated every minute of saying goodbye! We both cried!! Well, we have a "light at the end of the tunnel" now. In 6 months (if all is still going strong) we will start making plans to be together!!! He is willing to move to me, which really shocks me because he lives on the most beautiful island in Belize and just loves it. I wouldn't want to leave! Until then, he is flying me down this month and next month. Then he is coming here in May (to meet each other's families!) and then he wants me and my daughter to come spend the summer. Oh I'm so in love!! OMG beautiful Belize for a whole summer... That is a dream!! I'm jealous! I wish I could say I'm kidding! And an end in 6 months!!!!!!!!!!! Congrats on that!!
Recommended Posts