princess Linda Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 So, hopefully everything i say will make sense & i will be grateful to whoever can give me their 'advice/opinion -or share a common story to with what i'm doing: i've changed my life around recently (not that it was ever bad in the first place) but i've set higher goals/standards & ideas for my future. perhaps it's b/c i'm a virgo (tending to be a perfectionist & expecting perfection from every1 else even tho i know it's not reality) i see everyone for who they really are. i started dating this guy from my work back in Oct.'08. we started off as friends -him pursuing me & eventually i couldn't help but to fall in love with his gentle character. he is the most kindhearted man i've been with -very humble and sweet. he wasn't what i was 'looking for' (but then again who ever is?) -i found qualities in this man that i didn't think existed. true goldy qualities, strong & pure. oldfashioned and grounded. of course he annoyed me once in a while -but mostly that is due to my own stubborness & frustrations w/ myself that i tend to take out on those i love most. ANYWAY.. my point is that i couldn't help falling in love & having a true love that has been different from all my other relationships. i told him from the begining that i wanted this to be special & 'different' and to nuture and take care of the love we have for eachother. from the begining i had been upfront/honest w/ him about who i was & what i wanted. i let him know that i wasn't going to have sex again until i got married. & the next guy i am with i will marry b/c i'm done wasting my time & others'. of course i had sex w/ all my previous serious relationships. but i had made this descision between God & myself. b/c i was tired of giving so much of my time, energy & love away. and then having to start over again. so, with this new relationship i had started with, Elias -is his name, i was loved & respected more than i'd ever been in my life. therefore returning the same love & respect towards him. nothing felt pressured or fake. it was easy to love him. & i can't begin to explain the true love that he has for me. i don't even think i know the full depth of it. i guess i'll stop rambling and gushing over what i have (or don't have for that matter) we work together. spent good quality time together (but nothing obsessive) & over the last few months i had this internal struggle and "fear" about my future with him. we had talked about marriage (no official proposal & nor would i take it serious until he sealed it w/ a ring) -so.. i honestly can "see" the future to a certain extent. crazy as it sounds i saw this with him: being poor & working hard my whole life.. struggling together to raise a family.. but happily in love. and then the practical side of me says "NOOooO"! i don't want to have kids, change their diapers and clean the house, cook dinner, go to my 9-5 and be 'stuck in a rut'. i want to find a man who brings more security, yes, financially & even more mentally than Elias* this may sound superficial or spoiled/dependant of me.. but i do have a lot to offer & i think i deserve it. and i was raised this way & i don't think it's b/c i'm lazy. i just don't want to struggle (i understand we all do) but why should i if i dont HAVE to?. my whole problem revolves around this idea. so the more i thought about this idea the more i realized i should end this relationship w/ Elias. He doesn't have money.. and probably never will have much of it. it's okay. so i ended it two days ago. and it made me sick to my stomache. i have feelings of regret & of course i still love him. i want to go back to him and blame it on 'rash' decisions. but i can't b/c i've thought long and hard. and i'm a practical girl.. who goes after what i THINK is best.. not what i FEEL is best. i followed my head & ignored my heart. i don't know if it's the biggest mistake of my life or if i'll ever find the ""ideal"" guy for me. maybe i won't find any1 who will ever love me as much as Elias did. it some ways i feel like i've been disloyal to myself and him. he says i've "illusioned" him. and i hate that it seems that way. if i truly love him.. how could i ever leave him.. ---right?.. i understand life isn't all about 'finding happiness'.. but i just need to know i made the right choice for myself. -does any of this make sense. i know it's a lengthy blog & i doubt any1 has read this far.. but if u have.. will you please share your ideas or any encouragements.. either way- should i go back to the man i love like my heart is telling me.. or should i keep focused on my goals & dreams (and take that risk that i might or might not ever find exactly what i'm looking for). they say love conqours all right? but what is it really conqouring.. all the hardships of this life.. the struggles... the fears? some say love is enough.. but not me, i want more.
Geishawhelk Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Sorry. I find the post entirely shallow. What you've effectively done is kick a man who loved you for all he is worth for the hope of finding someone who will love you just as much - if not more - but will also be financially and materialistically better placed to give you a life free or responsibilities or any form of drudgery. You've broken the heart of a man who had engaged with you in the most endearing way possible, who respected your wish to abstain from sex before marriage, loved you in a way you'd never been loved before simply because you want 'more'.... You say he was easy to love. Obviously not satisfactory. It takes more than a forum name to call yourself a 'princess'. I think you have the aspirations, but none of the attributes. You have done yourself absolutely no favours. But you've probably done him the bigest one of his life.
Author princess Linda Posted February 22, 2009 Author Posted February 22, 2009 dang.. that's harsh..* i guess there's truth to that.. of course i don't expect every1 to agree with what i'm doing. but gosh does it sting when people see things for what they really are. maybe i should change my SN -thanks for your response.. but i still am not encouraged in either direction.. you've told me what i already know.. -i just need more confirmations on whether i should keep going in the direction i'm going -if i'm doing the right thing.. or if i should try to go back to him?? or is it too late?.. BTW: I'm hurting too! maybe i did crush him.. but i crushed my heart as well!.. ((am i still sounding selfish? maybe))
anne1707 Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Definitely still sounding selfish. I am totally with Geisha on this one. Somebody really cared for you but he was not good enough for you because he did not have a bigger bank balance. You are doing no favours for other women who actually can see beyond a man's wallet. I think your ex is much better off without you so I suggest you leave him alone so he can find someone who appreciates him and really loves him.
Trialbyfire Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 "NOOooO"! i don't want to have kids, change their diapers and clean the house, cook dinner, go to my 9-5 and be 'stuck in a rut'. I'm trying to figure out why this has anything to do with your ex or any man? If you want financial security, I'm not certain why you can't pursue it on your own instead of relying on someone else to "take care" of you.
carhill Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Follow your path and respect the paths of others. If your paths converge, bonus! IMO, you'll be ready for a healthy LTR when you're clear about your life path and you accept and appreciate, as well as are compatible with, the life path of your partner. This doesn't mean to avoid relationships, but rather to celebrate them as a fulfilling part of life and be clear about your responsibility within them. Did you take responsibility here? How do you feel about that?
Ronni_W Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Well, yeah...Geisha's observations are on the mark. But. You're making choices based on your own needs, desires, values...and fears. (Same as how we ALL make our choices.) Is it "immature/selfish" or is it "fear-based"...or is there a difference? Is it "wrong" to place a higher value on financial/material security and safety than on emotional intimacy and fulfillment? I don't think so. (Not "right" or "wrong", that is.) It's going to end up being about 'the path NOT taken', and we each get to determine what we can and cannot live with, about that. Who DOES want to "commit" to a life of struggling and being poor and working (too) hard? Which SANE person, that is? If you're okay giving up whatever you need to sacrifice in order to have a...higher level of material/financial comfort, that's your call. (The real deal is to just not bitch about it later, and complain the rich partner isn't emotionally and/or sexually into the relationship. It's about then remembering what we chose, up front.) There isn't "perfect"; there isn't ONE "ideal" person who is going to be able to fulfill every single one of our needs and desires down to the tiniest detail. It's about being okay with that, and making choices from "the one who BEST fits MOST of what I want and need; and to whom I can make the biggest contribution in terms of his/her wants and needs." i understand life isn't all about 'finding happiness'.. IMO. Life is TOTALLY all about finding happiness! The challenge with finding it, though, is that most of the time we haven't exerted ourselves sufficiently to get totally, 100% clear on what will make us deep-down, genuinely happiest. The kind of happiness where our life experiences and circumstances are supporting our Life Mission and Soul Purpose. So, maybe...what do you need from your primary relationship, for YOU to be able to fulfill your Mission and Purpose? (And to be able to support your partner in doing the same.)
LoveisWar Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Seems to be the problem is that everybody is too concerned about their own needs being met and not looking at the bigger picture. You said that the guy you have fallen for is kind hearted, gentle, grounded, strong and pure. Hes also made sacrifices to be with you. The only downside is that hes not loaded financially. Hes going to provide with you emotional support, a listening ear and loving arms. The only reason you dumped him is because of his wealth, or lack of it. Man, if i found love like that with a girl id hold on to it regardless, come what may. Its something precious, it cant be bought or sold. You ever seen or heard about these rich guys who cant find true love? They cant find it, because its something you cant buy. Money cant buy you love. So if you got the love, but not the money wheres the problem? you can work on the money part later. Dont take this too harsh but in what you just said confirms my belief that theres something sadly lacking in relationships today. That is not to realize or appreciate what you got, and at the first hint of not having your needs met or problems you dump him like some piece of refuse. Poor bloke. He probably doesnt realize it but hes better off without you - he deserves to be appreciated.
Author princess Linda Posted February 22, 2009 Author Posted February 22, 2009 OMG* i do suck... i'm a lousy loser... i wonder if he'd even take me back* and if he did... maybe his love for me would never be the same b/c of me tainting the relationship by breaking up w/ him in the first place. you're right "Loveiswar" this is exactly what i needed to hear thank you
Mino Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 I think you Princess are very shallow, and I can bet you will be a very unhappy person at the end. If you want the greater things in life, you go after them yourself, you shouldnt expect someone eles to do that for you. That true "love with all the right chemistry, where you feel the person is the "one" is very rare. You were blessed to have found it. Then you kicked it to the curb. Imagine the opposite, where you have a guy who makes a ton of money, but your not in love with him, your not crazy about him. Thats a Divorce written on the wall. Sure you may want to be "practical and think you deserve more, but money cannot buy happiness for very long....I have been on both sides of the fence, at one point. I choose "love":love: I also choose to make my own income, thats why I earn 6 figures, Because I want too, You can too, if you set your mind to it. But going after "practical" will make you unhappy over time...And sweetie, there is no such thing as a princess, only in fairy tales....
nittanylion Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 I got to response you. You ideal of happiness is so not reality like. You think a knight will come to you and swoop you up. Give me a fking break! LOL! You are a shallow person. Yeah you want more, and you will end up nothing. I feel sorry for the guy. I hope he finds someone to love him for who he is. He gave you love and everything except one problem he is poor ass man but appareantly you want more. Yeah, it does not surpise me to find someone like you who expect a man to fullfill all your needs. Get fking real, are u living in a fanatasy land? lol. What happen to the term let work together as a couple? I guess it does not apply to you. lmao! Well, I hope you find your rich dude to fullfill your happiness.
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