The silent treatment...kind of

[blind_otter]

I think that is my concern here....because sometimes its not always what one says or the way its said (sometimes it is too) but sometimes it can be the way its perceived. If he ALWAYS perceives the things you say as an attack or you being critical, When you know you're not, then that is on him, not you. And, then that's just his way of justifying his behavior and putting the blame off on you.

 

He certainly doesn't always perceive the things I say as an attack or me being critical. Otherwise, we'd always be arguing and that isn't the case. I mentioned this to my best friend today. She said that I can be short and very direct. She's used to it because she's known me for 20 years, now.

 

But I admit it is frustrating to say something and have it taken in a completely different way than you intend, or to say something without thinking about it and have someone suddenly be offended. Oftentimes, it seems like we are arguing about 2 completely different things but simultaneously. Communication lines get crossed. It's hard to talk politely over a screaming baby, anyways. There is something about the sound of a baby crying that drives me absolutely insane, in a way that NEVER affected me prior to having a baby. I can't think straight when I hear it; once I do I must do everything in my power to stop. the. crying. I could never do the "cry it out" thing. I think I would gouge my own eyes out.

 

I don't know. Right now we are doing well and happy and our issue was completely resolved yesterday. I am grateful for that.

[Trimmer]

He does this when we argue. A few times he has tried talking to me right when I get upset, but he ends up putting a blanket over his face and falling asleep in the middle of the discussion! He is a champion sleeper, I admit. He can lay down on asphalt with a shirt under his head and go to sleep with the sun in his face.

 

I think part of the problem is that I have, for no apparent reason, recently had difficulties verbalizing my feelings. He will ask me why I am upset and I simply cannot explain it. I guess it may be lack of sleep for the past 7 months. haha.

Not that he couldn't be better, but it sounds like he's not completely, reflexively avoidant here... Could it be that he has tried to connect during these arguments, but something about the dynamic between the two of you hasn't supported his efforts? Thus his avoidance isn't a complete avoidance of the issues, but rather, has he come to believe that trying to talk in the moment doesn't work?

 

I'm not putting this all on you, but what happens in those moments where he does try to reach out to you that causes the interaction to go south or not work?

 

Edit: crossed posts... some of your post above may address this...

[blind_otter]

This thread has been good for me, actually, I've been thinking critically about what I contribute to the dynamic.

 

When I am upset I am often like a small child, I think. I am very self focused. I get hysterical - like, very very upset and crying. I think he gets overloaded with the crying and emotional upheaval.

 

I wish I didn't get SO emotional when I get upset. I wish I had a way to just stop time and step out of my head and just SEE things without being clouded by reactive emotions from the past....

[PandorasBox]

This thread has been good for me, actually, I've been thinking critically about what I contribute to the dynamic.

 

When I am upset I am often like a small child, I think. I am very self focused. I get hysterical - like, very very upset and crying. I think he gets overloaded with the crying and emotional upheaval.

 

I wish I didn't get SO emotional when I get upset. I wish I had a way to just stop time and step out of my head and just SEE things without being clouded by reactive emotions from the past....

 

 

I can be like that at times myself....Sometimes when I'm IN the situation or moment, I don't always see how I might be acting though. Its kind of like, after something happens, I then take a step back and see it might have been me over reacting to a certain thing when maybe I didn't have to. I guess its all in the way something is handled.

 

BTW, beautiful baby boy you got there blind!

[Island Girl]

It may not be worth it to even discuss the issue, I guess you are right. I mentioned to him the other day that I think I may be blowing the petty stuff out of proportion because I haven't really forgiven him for the really bad things he has done in the past - especially with his drinking. He hasn't had any alcohol since halloween of last year, and he has been making really great progress...but I am still resentful for all that we've been through. Or rather, in my mind, everything he's put me through.

 

I went through a pretty severe betrayal in my relationship.

 

And I was dead set that it would NOT happen again. It could not happen again.

I was trusting him and he just could not betray my trust like he had (a few times in a certain time period but same issue).

 

Every time anything happened that hit that nerve I went white hot. It was fear and insecurity but it came out as anger. 0 to 200 at the speed of light.

 

My husband endured it for a year. He addressed what I was angry about - at least what I was telling him I was angry about.

And he reassured me over and over again in every possible way that my trust was not misplaced.

 

I know this is not the reaction you said you get.

 

But I tell you it still wasn't enough.

No matter what he said or how often he said it I was still hyper-vigilant.

 

Because the proof is in time and action not words. I had heard the words before and it had still happened again (and again).

 

Thankfully two things happened.

 

A friend of mine (my sounding board) whose marriage had endured an affair to the Nth degree told me:

 

"Look. You have already decided to stay in the relationship. You have made the decision to try to move past this and give him a chance. No matter what he says it will never be a guarantee or allay your fears.

You want the relationship to work out but now YOU are systematically destroying it by beating this into the ground. He WILL get fed up at some point if you continue to do what you are doing.

You have got to let go of that and NOT bring it up. Do not fight about it. If you are angry about something - before you blow get yourself in check and isolate the argument to what is relevant.

You have to forgive and let him show you and prove to you that his actions follow his words."

 

And then in the midst of one of those arguments not long after my husband said, "I am willing to listen to whatever you have to say about anything else. I would love to help you feel better. But we have had the same discussion so many times and it isn't helping us. So I will not participate in the conversations anymore if it is about _____". We were on the phone at the time and when I started in again he hung up.

 

I was SO ANGRY. I tried to call him back and he answered but the second I went at him he hung up again.

 

So I called my supportive friend to vent.

And she said blatantly that she agreed with him.

 

It took a while for all of that to come together but it clicked. Finally.

 

And I was able to get it straightened out in my head.

 

Then our conversations were MUCH better and the little issues got worked out much quicker and with way less angst.

And THAT helped me to feel better about why I was still in the relationship.

 

With a little more time I was relaxing and allowing him to prove it to me by his actions.

And every day got better and I wasn't living on the edge thinking "when is it going to happen" anymore.

 

 

Maybe this experience will help you too.

[cdb]

If you're pissed, then express it on the spot. Don't worry about being accurate or thorough. And when you're no longer pissed, have enough mercy on your partner to let the topic go.

 

This is SO true-but why do women (I guess I should just say "I") keep stewing on it after the fact. I can do this for days! Then, after it all blows up in my face or we work through it (only through extreme patience on my h's part!) I wonder why the f*** I did that! I may print that out and use it as my new mantra if you don't mind, Johan. It would be a huge help if I put it to practice.

[Touche]

This is SO true-but why do women (I guess I should just say "I") keep stewing on it after the fact. I can do this for days! Then, after it all blows up in my face or we work through it (only through extreme patience on my h's part!) I wonder why the f*** I did that! I may print that out and use it as my new mantra if you don't mind, Johan. It would be a huge help if I put it to practice.

 

I kinda used to be that way myself I have to admit.

 

You get over that kind of nonsense generally when you're over the age of 35? Are you?

 

It's called maturing and recognizing the big picture.

 

Stewing about anything for "days" now is as foreign to me as you can imagine.

 

Stewing implies "helplessness" and being a doormat.

 

When you know what you want and expect and have the backbone to make it happen, there's no need to stew about anything.

 

There's a time to assert yourself and there's a time to back off.

 

Know when it's in your interest to do one over the other.

[Trialbyfire]

Oftentimes, it seems like we are arguing about 2 completely different things but simultaneously. Communication lines get crossed.

I've only experienced this once with a guy and found it bizarre. It's like you stating the sky is blue and him saying, no, the grass is green.

 

In analyzing it, it's a form of "the best defense, is an offense". When he doesn't acknowledge your issue(s) with him, putting forth a different argument, it doesn't put him on the perceived defensive. Also, in not acknowledging it, he doesn't have to address it.

 

I think your guy is using passive-aggressive techniques. How you address it, I don't know but I do wish you luck with this. Hopefully he's not consistently burying his head in the sand, ducking and dodging.

 

I do agree that you have to pick your battles. If it's not important, maybe go for a little breather yourself. The only problem is that when the same issues keep cropping up, big or small, if the two of you can't bury it in some way through resolution, it's not going to work.

[cdb]

I kinda used to be that way myself I have to admit.

 

You get over that kind of nonsense generally when you're over the age of 35? Are you?

 

It's called maturing and recognizing the big picture.

 

 

 

There's a time to assert yourself and there's a time to back off.

 

Know when it's in your interest to do one over the other.

 

 

You know, I have noticed I am better at this (though, still need to repeat Johan's words every few weeks to months) and yes, I am just at that age. Mmmm-why does it take so many years to get there!? More good advice, thanks!

[blind_otter]

I had a long conversation with S/O today about why things seem off with us for the past week or so. Prior to that things were hunky dory. I've tried to analyze what might have changed but I only know what's happening on my side, really.

 

I do know that this friday will mark the 10th anniversary of my second rape, which was in some ways worse than the first time I was raped at age 12 because I actually have a memory of what happened to me. I wonder if this is having any effect on my mood or attitude. It hadn't occurred to me that this might be an issue because I feel like I've dealt with that ad nauseum. I've been to countless therapists, I've taken medication, I've worked hard to get past that moment, though it ruled my life for far too many years.

 

I want to think that this is not an issue. Why has the anniversary passed in the past three years without much fanfare?

 

I haven't mentioned it to my S/O though. I want to figure out for sure if this is really affecting me.

 

It may be why I've been inexplicably touchy and moody for the past few days.

[NoIDidn't]

I had a long conversation with S/O today about why things seem off with us for the past week or so. Prior to that things were hunky dory. I've tried to analyze what might have changed but I only know what's happening on my side, really.

 

I do know that this friday will mark the 10th anniversary of my second rape, which was in some ways worse than the first time I was raped at age 12 because I actually have a memory of what happened to me. I wonder if this is having any effect on my mood or attitude. It hadn't occurred to me that this might be an issue because I feel like I've dealt with that ad nauseum. I've been to countless therapists, I've taken medication, I've worked hard to get past that moment, though it ruled my life for far too many years.

 

I want to think that this is not an issue. Why has the anniversary passed in the past three years without much fanfare?

 

I haven't mentioned it to my S/O though. I want to figure out for sure if this is really affecting me.

 

It may be why I've been inexplicably touchy and moody for the past few days.

 

It could have something to do with your mood but not his behavior.

 

Having a child magnifies the feelings of past sexual traumas. All the stress of taking care of the child in the first year brings out those hidden insecurities and doubts. Things you don't think have anything to do with those traumas have somehow been linked in your mind.

 

I know. I've been there. My last child didn't trigger anything this time, thank God. I knew what to expect this time.

 

Perhaps this angle is something to speak with your SO about.

[blind_otter]

I guess I won't be sharing that kind of information with my S/O....

 

He didn't come home last night and didn't answer his phone. I have no idea where he is, but I suspect he is with his younger brother who is also an alcoholic.

 

I am upset, but not as upset as I have been in the past when he did something like this.

 

Luckily my best friend came over and spent the night, just to keep me company and listen to me vent.

[JackJack]

I guess I won't be sharing that kind of information with my S/O....

 

He didn't come home last night and didn't answer his phone. I have no idea where he is, but I suspect he is with his younger brother who is also an alcoholic.

 

I am upset, but not as upset as I have been in the past when he did something like this.

 

Luckily my best friend came over and spent the night, just to keep me company and listen to me vent.

 

Oh damn BO I'm sorry, that sucks! Try to hang in there! I know that you will.

[carhill]

Some wise person on LS once said a healthy relationship shouldn't be so much work. Cr@p, B_O, that blows. I sure hope he didn't fall off. {{{B_O}}}

[Touche]

Sorry, BO. Did you ever find out what happened to him?

[whichwayisup]

He didn't come home last night and didn't answer his phone. I have no idea where he is, but I suspect he is with his younger brother who is also an alcoholic.

I'm sorry that you have to worry and wonder what he's up to (again).. I really wish your SO would WAKE UP and be a responsible and reliable man.

 

He needs to suffer some consquences, enough that he'll really change and get better.

[Trialbyfire]

More passive-aggressive behaviour. Hopefully he'll show up soon. This is the last thing you need right now.

[whichwayisup]

B_O, are you alright? Post soon, k..

[Art_Critic]

I am upset, but not as upset as I have been in the past when he did something like this.

 

** Hugz **.. Here ..Have a Dove Dark..

They are the Easter Egg shaped ones

 

No wise advice from the clown.. you need me I'm here for ya...

[blind_otter]

Well he dragged himself home on the 25th around 11am. He was a mess and he had fallen off the wagon. At first he was trying to tell me he'd just had a six pack plus a couple of beers, but pretty soon he admitted that he had had double that amount. He had stayed at his brother's house, who is a heavy drinker as well. Because it has been 4 months since he last drank, it messed him up quite a bit.

 

He says he is committed to getting back on the wagon. I'm not going to make him feel worse, I know he feels bad enough as it is and there's no point in rubbing it in. I will continue to try to attend to my part of the relationship, as it stands, and though I hope he will get back on the wagon and re-commit himself to sobriety, I cannot control what he does, nor do I want to. I hope for the best, but as always prepare myself for the worst.

 

Thanks for listening. I hope things will get better, but I am not putting all my eggs in one basket, that's for sure.

[2sunny]

hmmmm, big hugs BO! dang, no consequences for him?

 

no reason for him to change if he's not uncomfortable...

 

if nothing changes - no changes! you better get used to this vicious cycle he has you on... i see things on the same rollercoaster he always taken you for a ride on... for that - i'm sorry.

 

please change something BO... you and your son deserve some peace of mind... might as well start now. otherwise you'll get 20 years down the road and wonder why everything is the same it is now.

[NoIDidn't]

Well he dragged himself home on the 25th around 11am. He was a mess and he had fallen off the wagon. At first he was trying to tell me he'd just had a six pack plus a couple of beers, but pretty soon he admitted that he had had double that amount. He had stayed at his brother's house, who is a heavy drinker as well. Because it has been 4 months since he last drank, it messed him up quite a bit.

 

He says he is committed to getting back on the wagon. I'm not going to make him feel worse, I know he feels bad enough as it is and there's no point in rubbing it in. I will continue to try to attend to my part of the relationship, as it stands, and though I hope he will get back on the wagon and re-commit himself to sobriety, I cannot control what he does, nor do I want to. I hope for the best, but as always prepare myself for the worst.

 

Thanks for listening. I hope things will get better, but I am not putting all my eggs in one basket, that's for sure.

 

I think you should still talk to him. He can feel like you are rubbing it in his face if he wants to, but you can't carry on a relationship by yourself. While I don't condemn him for falling off the wagon, he's got to get back on it and quickly. Addictions are hard to get over. Habits are hard to kick. So it will be two steps forward and one step back for a period.

 

Praise his four month effort, but tell him he's got to put at least four months between this incident and any potential next ones to really achieve sobriety.

 

Back onto the topic that you started this thread with too. The silent treatment. Don't allow his drinking to derail or change the subject. He needs to learn how to walk and chew gum at the same time without falling into a bar to cope.