missinshadow Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 My H and I have been married 13 years together for 18. We have 1 son who is 12. During our marriage the last few years I was not as there as I probably should have been. Let family consume my time, over weight so I didn't feel attractive, etc.. I know these types of things are not my fault for my husband leaving and having an affair but I do feel it was the start of driving him away from me. I didn't have enough confidence in myself. My H left in the beginning of August. I came home car was packed and he already told my son he was leaving. I was devasted! 2 weeks later I found out he was having an affair w/ a woman at work. She lives up the road from us. My H isn't the only H she's been with in the past and she has broken up a few marriages. My H now feels That since he told me we are separated and he isn't living here he can date! What the Hell! Before he left I had started a diet and have since lost 40 lbs and weigh what I was when we married. Since I have made some wholehearted changes in my life to refocus on my marriage. I knew I loved my H very much but now that I don't have him in my life I see exactly how much. I know most of you will say dump him and move on but I do love him greatly and am willing to forgive one time to restore my family. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I want my husband back.
Lucky_One Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 How are your interactions now? Is he living with the OW? Are they still a couple? Would he be amenable to going to marriage counselling with you? (You can tell him that you need some help coming to grips with the ending of the marriage.)
OpenBook Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Then start dating other men, with your new figure! Nothing brings a guy back faster than jealousy... especially when the guy is your H! I can't say if this is true in your case, but the vast majority of males don't like anyone else encroaching on their territory... and you are still technically his territory.
stampdaddy Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Dump him and move on!! no, just kidding.. Keep doing what you are doing, take care of YOURSELF and your son (your family). Ask your H if he would go to MC with you to work on "the family" because I am sure that this has to be VERY confusing for a 12 year old boy (as well as mommy and daddy). Tell him that it is VERY important to "the family", because it IS. See what shakes out in the end, and DO NOT use it as an ulterior motive, cause that would be about as see through as a wedding nitey.. Keep your chin up...
Lucky_One Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 You also may want to try reading on MarriageBuilders.com. You will get lots of good and proven advice there.
Author missinshadow Posted February 22, 2009 Author Posted February 22, 2009 Thank you to all. Lucky One---Our interactions are fine. We are getting along better than we have in years---as long as she is not brought up. Then it could get ugly. Arguing. He does not live with her he is staying with his mom which is down the road from me and 3 blocks from her. They are still together but have been fighting alot recently. She has been having guys over then had one that works in her dept spend the night last week and my husband knew about it!!! She says they are just friends. (Yeah right) H was p****d . Said "he's done!" He knows she has guys around and calls all the guys. My H even checks her phone records b/c he doesn't trust her but says he doesn't want to let her go. At the same time can't let me go either. I don't know how she talks her way out of the trouble all the time and gets him back. Maybe it isn't talking she does. I don't know. He won't go to MC but a couselor I see on and off has emailed him and he has answered her questions. OpenBook-- I don't know if I could date. I feel uncomfortable with that thought. I really believe in being so faithful. Other people have told me that also. I have gone places with friends and H does get worked up when he doesn't know who I'm with or where I'm going. But then backs off when he catches himself doing that. I do have a guy friend who likes me but will not pursue anything unless I divorce that H knows about. It sems to bother H but then other times it seems it doesn't. stampdaddy-- I am trying to take care of self and son. If I'm not careful this does tend to take over my mind and thoughts. Nothing else matters then. So I really have to keep myself in check. I want him back so badly it kills me. I'm almost at 7 months now and still cry everyday. Keep the help coming thankyou!!
jj33 Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 On the other hand... do you really want to be with someone who doesnt support you when you arent feeling your best and would come back because you lost weight? Yes yes I know losing weight is external proof that you are taking care of yourself again and want to feel desirable but.... Its not up to him whether he "lets" you go. Its up to you. I understand you have a marriage and a family hanging in the balance but you and your son dont deserve to be messed around like this. I wish you luck but if he is not wiling to give this woman up and not willing to go to MC you will move beyond this. Let him have this woman who doesnt love him. You will find someone who is mature enough to deal with the ups and downs of life and marriage. He apparently is not.
Author missinshadow Posted February 22, 2009 Author Posted February 22, 2009 jj33-- you are correct in all of that. Thank you. I really feel that my marriage can be saved b/c I see glimpses of the H that I really know. Not the one that has his head filled with the b******t the OW gives him and puts in his head. She seems to be a pro at what she does and he's the idiot making the choice to fall for it all. But all in all I do care for him deeply and think it is repairable. At least one shot at it.
jj33 Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Then go for it. Hed be crazy not to want to make things work. Without condoning what he did, there is no excuse, maybe this was the shake up your marriage needed and will come back stronger. Take good care.
Author missinshadow Posted February 22, 2009 Author Posted February 22, 2009 Would NC be a good thing to do for a little bit? I try but it is very hard to do. When your used to someone always being there to talk to then they aren't I'm having a hard time dealing with that.
Author missinshadow Posted February 22, 2009 Author Posted February 22, 2009 Should I try NC for a little bit? People say I should do that for a while. That is something would be very difficult for me. I just love to be able totalk to him. Hearing his voice. What should I do?
Owl Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I'd suggest that you go by the marriagebuilders.com website...read the free information, but stay away from the forum. Pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley. Read it, specifically looking for how to negotiate the end of an affair. Right now, you need to be in "plan A". You can read about that and plan B over on that website I'd mentioned. It's a good step towards getting the affair ended and beginning to reconcile.
KismetGirl Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Has he even said he WANTS to reconcile? You haven't mentioned that anywhere. From what you've said, I don't see anything saying he even wants to save your marriage, which is why im confused why people are offering counseling ideas. That won't do any good if he's already finished with the marriage in his mind, will it? Sorry , just not sure, cause you haven't mentioned what he's said about restoration of the marriage, or if you are the only one who wants to restore it.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 But all in all I do care for him deeply and think it is repairable. At least one shot at it. Have you laid it out for him just as plainly as you've said it here? That you'd like to work with him to restart your marriage? He may not know clearly how you feel... Mr. Lucky
Author missinshadow Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 No he hasn't mentioned reconciling. when he left he said he was done but now says he doesn't know what he wants. He says he didn't realize I loved him this much. He's confused. ( join the club) He also will not mention divorce either. He actually gets upset if I go out and he doesn't know who I'm with or where I'm going. So I just don't know.
jj33 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Well then something is working youare shaking him up a little bit. Its good for him not to know where you are or what you are doing. Give him a preview of life if YOU divorce him. I have never been divorced but have you looked at marriagebuilders? You probably have. The thing is, you look great, and he can no longer "predict" what you do. All the sudden you are new... The real question is do you still REALLY want him back? Do you feel you could trust him? And is he willing to work on things and be faithful? Being a little bit less available until he knows what he wants would be a good idea if he is still seeing the OW. Its not your job to "compete". If anything, its his job to win you back.
Author missinshadow Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 Thanks to all for replying again. I have looked at the marriagebuilders website and even though owl said not to i have gone on the forum and it has helped. The couple people who replied have been helpful and full of ideas like all of you. I have laid it all out there in the past how I feel and working things out. But as the other site says, he is in quite a fog. I am on Plan A although it has been difficult to adjust to. I have faultered in it at times but I restart and keep going. Any of you have any additional ideas or comments, post away. I am open to all of it. I don't get offended . And to answer the question, yes I do want to Have him back still b/c I do see glimpses here and there of the husband I once knew. If the fog would ever lift I think we could be stronger than we were before and have our family back together again. Trying to be optomistic but realistic at the same time ( if that's possible) Thanks again everyone.
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