Dollie Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 This thread is for people to share their experiences of when a partner moves on to a new partner really quick after a break up, the feelings involved, how you moved on and the result in the end What are your stories?????????
Peter_pan Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 hmm. well we mutually broke up. but lived together for a month and a half after the agreement. but during that time we got on well and things were looking up. then she met "him" her current bf. and so to me she went off with him after 3 weeks of knowing him. it hurt. i was angry, upset, sad, depressed. how i moved on. well i moved away from the city we lived in. re connect with old friends, made new ones, did more activities, got out more. found a date for a bit. and after a year of holding a grudge against her for how she did what she did i saw her out at x mass. and basically had it all out. so that was final closure. and now im just praying i meet someone better or as good. and at the same time not lose who i am and not compare them
Rogue52 Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 I was with my girl for 6 years. We were engaged and getting married in May. She cheated on me this past November. She ended up getting pregnant with him this past month and they are now getting married in April. So, 1 month > 6 years. How am I dealing with it? I don't know. I miss her. A lot. But getting pregnant with the guy is forcing me to move on.
confused and broken Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Rebounding is 10000000000000 times better than cheating
EmperorR Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 With my ex fiance for 3 years, went away on a trip cheated on me 3 times with a dude she just met, came back dumped me, said she wanted to be alone a week later started developing butterflies or some guy at school, only time she talked to me was asking me "how can you tell if a guy likes you", I did NC, found out they started dating like a week and a half after she dumped me from her facebook. Asked her why did shse lie to me, and she's like this guy is "perfect" we have so much in common, of course my anger got the best of me at that point and I told her is he a cheat like you? How can you respect and care about some scrub you just met more than me, I smartened up initiated NC been about 5 months now since I've talked to her, I don't know if she's dating or what not but shrugs. How did I deal with it? Posting here alot and reading here helped me that I wasn't the only one dealing with this. I went through it all the shock the anger the acceptance, Worked on myself, started reading writing, eating healthy, changed my music taste, met this great girl who listened to all my problems and we've been dating for like a month now.
EasyHeart Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 My GF of 1.5 years and I had some problems last fall, and split up at the end of Novemeber. We started talking again in December and worked through things, and in January we were talking regularly. A lot of it was bickering, but some was flirtatious and fun. She told me that it would take some time to regain her trust that I loved her, so I was taking it slow. I saw her on a Tuesday in late January and we talked about having dinner together. She also said that she needed to work on herself and didn't want to date anyone for "a long time." Three days later she met a guy in a bar. They went out together a week later. After two dates with him, she told me that I needed to 'step back' and not flirt with her because she was starting a 'relationship' with this guy she had dated for the first time 6 days earlier! I was hurt and confused. I asked her why she was starting a 'relationship' with this guy a week after she told me she didn't want to date anyone for 'a long time'. She said she had a 'right' to 'change her mind'. She also went on and on about how nice and wonderful her new BF is, and that I would 'really like him' and that she can't wait to introduce me to him! She said she wants us to 'stay friends' because I am her best friend and she knows she can always count on me, but our relationship was 'just not meant to be'. I know I should hate her, but I just can't. I miss her and I'm really, really hurt that she could replace me with the first guy who hits on her in a bar.
sad_panda Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 I'm having a hard time dealing, guys. I've known for a few weeks now that he's dating someone new just a few days after we broke up. In fact I suspect that he cheated on me with her. But I just found out that he finally said "I love you" to her, and well it shattered my world once again. The funny thing is I don't want him back, and I'm happy in different ways now that he's gone. I started dating too, and I can say that I like a particular one who I went out with two weeks ago. But I don't love him, no not at all, not yet. I know it's my ego that's in pain right now. How do I get over it? How do I accept the fact that I'm forgettable and replaceable just like that?
doomed Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 I did a rebound once, and married her. Had five years of bliss which, from here today, is a good thing bc it tells me that my feelings were more than just rebounding. Also had eight more years where I've done my part to screw the marriage up and am now separated, again, the ending of that part of the story has yet to be written. My story is a freaking soap opera, a simpsons episode, or the sopranos, so I'll just stick to the rebound aspects of it all. The rebound might have looked quick to my X, to whom I was married for 14 years and had 3 children with. Then again, I suspected she was flirting with disaster around Christmas time. I verified it in January. In February I found a draft of a "dear john" letter to me. In March I saw physical clues. In April I confirmed her cheating by simply looking in the bar, then watching who she left with and just "asking about her night last night". Not ever saying a word, just giving her more rope to hang herself with. I lost my discipline one time and accused her, based on my own eyes, but then I allowed her to think she could convince me that I was seeing things. In May, ostensibly to drop our kids off across the country with grandma, and visit family, she left for about two months. After she was on the road, I raided her computer and found all the emails that laid out (heh, LOL) her itinerary. About a month earlier I snuck on her computer and enabled all the chat logs I could find, she never noticed. A real F-your-way-across-the-USA-tour ... I met my current wife in May of that year. We had been talking online for a couple of months prior to meeting. You can do the math May-to-May and the rebound looks instant, but for me, I had already began my emotional separation from my first wife like six months earlier. So as for me, moving on wasn't so bad, because I had a lot of time to adjust to it. When the reality finally hit my X that I knew a whole lot more than I ever let on about, and that's why I moved out of the house (mostly, still had 4 horses, 3 goats, 5 pigs, a dog, and a cat who had 12 kittens to take care of), while she was on her little tour, she rebounded herself. She ended up with one of her local boy-toys living in my house immediately. The very first time I had my kids for a weekend while separated, and dropped them off at home, my 7yo daughter came running back out of the house: Daddy Daddy there's a naked man on the couch in the den... Now, I have to tell you that I've been called confrontational a time or two in my life, and this news only made me smile. I knocked on the door and asked my STBX could I come in for a cup of coffee She said yes, I sat down in the kitchen and made small talk over my coffee and just *reveled* in the awkwardness I created. The chicken ***** never did show himself. I hugged my kids, told them I loved them and I would call them. Told my STBX to have a wonderful day and left. She went on and had two kids with this prince while he was in and out of half-way-house & jail. One of them was born before our divorce was even well underway and she was pg with the other before the finals were signed. The day after the final papers were signed, she's filing motions on her own behalf (because her lawyer, that she met in a bar, quit on her bc she was sick of getting blind sided by my X's nutty behavior), to take her kids out of state. I started an immediate custody battle because part of our deal was that she wasn't going to pull this kind of stunt. In one of the hearings, the judge asked her about "the afterborn" and the "father, currently in jail". She said: Oh, we like to get together and do things, but he won't be coming with me, I don't want to marry him or anything. The judge asked her did he know she was filing this motion ? She said no, I don't think I need his permission. OMG. LOL. I've never seen such a what-the-hell-kind-of-scabby-biatch-are-you-? look from a judge in real life, they're usually so bored and all business and matter of fact in court. I ultimately lost the custody battle, but the judge ruled that she could live anywhere she wanted as long as it was in her current county or my current county. I was told later and off the record that he couldn't keep her in state forever, but it was the best he could do for me. Anyway, during the couple of years before she was able to get permission to move all 5 kids 2,000 miles away from both their fathers, she lived with her bf in the marital home, abandoned that (which I was *still* paying for in lieu of child support), lived in a camping park for a summer, lived in a motel near her bf's prison for a summer, dragging my kids around with her, lived in a couple neighborhoods, had one house that was nice on a lease-option, lost that and ended up in a freakin trailer park in a lousy area. I litigated for and won back the marital home shortly after her FIRST relocation while I was still paying for it. While she was in the trailer park, with bf #1. I learned about bf #2 from my kids. The man they're never supposed to talk about. The next thing I hear, she's living with bf #3 while #1 comes over for supervised visits with his 2 kids and who knows about #2. #3 is like, 25 years older than she is, and she's like 45 or so today. She ultimately married #3, which was a good thing because I got out of alimony. She finally got permission to move out of state to within a few hours of grandma. Which is also fine by me, because this X and I were high school sweet hearts and grew up only 5 minutes away from each other, which means a lot of my people are proximate to her as well. Heck, I ended up living in the general area within a couple of years so its all good. I do miss my adopted home in the mountains of Colorado though... doomed Some people don't just rebound, they freaking ricochet...
ATR Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Yep, she wanted a local ****... as we were long distance. Were together straight after we broke... Who gives a ****... **** her. She's his problem now. When he's gone i won't come back.
EasyHeart Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 There's a big difference between going on a few rebound dates after you break up and starting a new relationship right after you break up. I've rebound dated in the past -- it helps remind you that you're attractive and desirable after you've been hurt. But starting a relationship or exclusive dating or sleeping with someone right after you come out of a LT relationship is completely different. There's a reason that rebound relationships almost never work out -- at least one of the people is not emotionally available. Of course that's fine for a lot of people -- there are lots of guys out there who actively search for women on the rebound because they know they're vulnerable. But ultimately, I think the problem is -- as others have said -- that it's hard enough to lose a BF/GF, but learning that you were so insignificant to them that replacing you took only a matter of a few days or weeks is extremely demeaning and hurtful to your self-esteem. I'd like to think that my ex thought our relationship was significant enough that she would at least take a little time to mourn it. Or at least respect me enough to let me mourn it without rubbing my face in the fact that she never cared about me at all. It makes me wonder if she EVER told me the truth while we were dating. . .
ATR Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 But ultimately, I think the problem is -- as others have said -- that it's hard enough to lose a BF/GF, but learning that you were so insignificant to them that replacing you took only a matter of a few days or weeks is extremely demeaning and hurtful to your self-esteem. I'd like to think that my ex thought our relationship was significant enough that she would at least take a little time to mourn it. Or at least respect me enough to let me mourn it without rubbing my face in the fact that she never cared about me at all. It makes me wonder if she EVER told me the truth while we were dating. . . Exactly how i feel... but what can you do eh:rolleyes:
sad_panda Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 There's a big difference between going on a few rebound dates after you break up and starting a new relationship right after you break up. Exactly. Which makes me wonder if maybe he cheated on me with her when we were still together. My self-esteem has taken another brutal blow.
EasyHeart Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 FWIW, panda, it's pretty common for guys to date immediately after a break up. At least it was for me, especially when I was younger. In retrospect, whenever I did that it was because I was hurting and needed an ego boost by chasing any woman who would let me, and I had no interest in starting a 'relationship'. It doesn't mean he cheated.
sad_panda Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 FWIW, panda, it's pretty common for guys to date immediately after a break up. At least it was for me, especially when I was younger. My issue isn't with the fact that he dated immediately after we broke up. In fact, I expected him to date right away. However, I thought that he would ask different girls until he found a good fit. I never imagined that he already had one particular girl in mind. Based on what my ex has done in a span of one month within the break-up (dating her exclusively, going out on an out-of-town trip with her, saying 'I love you' to her), I have reason to believe that my ex already had his eyes on her even when we were together. Besides, he was the one who dumped me, so yeah, I really think he cheated.
EasyHeart Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 OK, I see your point. Does the cheating (or at least planning) make it easier or harder to let go? In my case, it pisses me off that my ex-GF immediately went into a 'relationship' with a guy she had first dated less than a week before, so I certainly can relate to the pain caused by an Ex immediately going into something that is apparently serious. I know that between my last two relationships, I dated 8-10 women before I found one I wanted to get serious with. (Though in retrospect, I sure chose poorly!!!!)
sad_panda Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 ^ In my case it's harder, because aside from coping with the feelings of rejection, I had to cope with the feelings of being fooled and lied to. It's also very frustrating because when we broke up, he laid all the blame on me. Also, when I asked if there was someone else he said that there as no one, he just wanted to rest his "tired heart." He even said that he didn't see himself dating immediately because he needed time to heal. What a load of bull!
ATR Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 OK, I see your point. Does the cheating (or at least planning) make it easier or harder to let go? For me it makes it easier. She told me there was not another guy she was dumping me for and i foolishly believed her. So i spend time beating myself up wondering what i did or could have done. Then i hear she is with the guy she promised me nothing would happen with (he was trying to get with her while we were together!!!)... which concludes that it was not my fault in any way. So there is nothing i could have done. Which, for me, makes it easier to move on.
EasyHeart Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 ^ In my case it's harder, because aside from coping with the feelings of rejection, I had to cope with the feelings of being fooled and lied to. It's also very frustrating because when we broke up, he laid all the blame on me. Also, when I asked if there was someone else he said that there as no one, he just wanted to rest his "tired heart." He even said that he didn't see himself dating immediately because he needed time to heal. What a load of bull! Sheesh, this is sounding familiar! My ex blamed me for all the problems in our relationship, then went to the old "it just wasn't meant to be" line, because my major failure (apparently) was my inability to read her mind. She also told me that she needed to 'work on herself' and didn't 'want to date for a very long time'. 3 days later she met a guy in bar and by the next week they were starting a 'relationship'. Now she wants me to meet her new BF because she thinks I'd really like him.
janjan Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 ^ In my case it's harder, because aside from coping with the feelings of rejection, I had to cope with the feelings of being fooled and lied to. It's also very frustrating because when we broke up, he laid all the blame on me. Also, when I asked if there was someone else he said that there as no one, he just wanted to rest his "tired heart." He even said that he didn't see himself dating immediately because he needed time to heal. What a load of bull! when they lay all the blame on you and you believe it, and then realize after you should have stood up for yourself, that can be hard to deal with. the whole "'i need time' and they took that time to go flirting up with someone else" thing can really drive you nuts.
sad_panda Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 when they lay all the blame on you and you believe it, and then realize after you should have stood up for yourself, that can be hard to deal with. the whole "'i need time' and they took that time to go flirting up with someone else" thing can really drive you nuts. You are so right! I feel so embarrassed now each time I remember the night of the break-up. This is a big reason why I don't think I can ever be friends with him. I don't want to be reminded of the humiliation I went through that night.
Gingerboom Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I'd honestly love to know how people can move on and even just meet other people that quick?!? Perhaps the rebounders were never that caught up with things in the first place? They can compartmentalise, and move on like their life is a conveyor belt? Choosing to treat people and take them off and put them back on the rack as and when they want?
carhill Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Perhaps the rebounders were never that caught up with things in the first place? Superficial emotional attachment. Not to be confused with meaningless or anything manipulative. It's just that the "love thang" wasn't that deep. Some people are just not capable of deep emotional and spiritual connections. You will never know this unless you're in an intimate relationship with them. If you're real experienced, you'll see signs, but there are too many other variables. Attraction can cloud the issues. TBH, once a relationship has ended for me, I don't keep track of what a former partner has done so have no clue if they rebounded quickly or not. I know that I never have. Takes months to years to realign all the parts for another relationship of the type I prefer. I'd wish them well nonetheless. Whatever works for them
Tryng2Trust08 Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 My story...I was married for 5 years. We didn't have the best relationship, but I never thought he would leave, I had COMPLETE trust in him. After having our second child, he kept leaving and drinking heavily, we tried marriage counseling, which he later threw in my face that he tried everything he could to make our marriage work even counseling didnt work. A bunch of bull. Anyway, he had a GF thats why he left...left me and my children, got divorced. Made a complete fool out of me, lied, went on vacations with her. While Im at home with an infant. So, my point is men/women sometimes seek something they think they want, think the grass is always greener, so they go looking for that. I dont put it past anyone to rebound quickly, I just know I wouldnt do that because I know you need time for yourself then to throw yourself into a relationship right away.
Tryng2Trust08 Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I'm having a hard time dealing, guys. I've known for a few weeks now that he's dating someone new just a few days after we broke up. In fact I suspect that he cheated on me with her. But I just found out that he finally said "I love you" to her, and well it shattered my world once again. The funny thing is I don't want him back, and I'm happy in different ways now that he's gone. I started dating too, and I can say that I like a particular one who I went out with two weeks ago. But I don't love him, no not at all, not yet. I know it's my ego that's in pain right now. How do I get over it? How do I accept the fact that I'm forgettable and replaceable just like that? Panda, How do you know he said I love you to her and why are you keeping track of this. I have been through the pain of lied and cheated on, but one day you are going to look back and smile and be glad you are not with him. I know it hurts you were replaced quickly because you loved him with everything you had,but you need to tell yourself you're better than him and his lies. You are above him and keep telling yourself that over and over. And even if he was seeing this girl when you were dating, he is never ever going to admit it to you, not in a million years. You know what you feel and what happened, dont look to him for answers.
EasyHeart Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 A huge factor is how long you've been together. If you dated for 2 months and decided that the other person just wasn't for you, then I don't think dating someone else right away is really a 'rebound' - you're just dating someone else because things didn't work out with the first person To me, in most cases you can't be in a 'relationship' if you haven't been exclusive for 3-6 months. When it comes to relationships, there can be a number of reasons that people are able to rebound quickly (or not), like: 1. For the dumpers, a lot of times they started detaching long before the break up. They started 'breaking up' emotionally long before they told their partner, and don't actually tell their partner until they've either moved on or found someone else (BTW, I personally think this is rather cruel and cowardly, but we all know it happens). 2. For some dumpees, they try to 'get over' a relationship by dating/sleeping with as many people as they can. I've experienced this with my guy friends, whose advice after a break up always seems to be "You need to get laid!" It's an ego boost and makes you feel like you're attractive after your self-esteem has been demolished by being dumped. 3. For both dumpers and dumpees, some people want to 'get back out there' because they feel incomplete without a relationship. "If I don't have a BF/GF people will think I'm a loser!" Or they simply can't stand being alone. 4. A variation of No. 2 are people looking for a 'relationship' to validate themselves and build their self-esteem. No one likes being alone and no one likes to think that they caused their previous relationship to fail. So dating right away gives you a self-esteem boost and validation that you aren't to blame for the relationship failing, but once your ego has been repaired, you wonder what you ever saw in the person you're dating. To me, this is a classic 'rebound' -- instead of going through the process of grieving the loss of your relationship, you jump into another one to avoid having to accept and learn from the failure of your relationship. So you're really using the other person to help you get through the anger/sadness of your healing process. There's probably more reasons, but these are the ones I can think of right now. And, of course, there's a reason most rebound relationships don't work -- the rebounder is not emotionally available. In situation No. 1, I think the new relationship has a good chance of succeeding. In the other three situations, I think the odds are against the relationship succeeding.
Recommended Posts