She wants to pull back to "just friends" - more interesting than usual!

[cmoonl7]

Mary's Story:

 

Due to work stress, financial diagreements, and Mary's desire to engage in social activities which don't interest her husband (dancing, concerts, etc...) Mary's husband is pulling away from her emotionally. She is a stay at home mom and has a limited social network to provide emotional support in this difficult time. Out of desperation, and with her husband’s tacit approval, Mary seeks a relationship outside of her marriage to fulfill this need.

 

After 10 years of marriage and limited relationships with men, Mary sees physical intimacy as way to confirm value in herself. Because of the potential for future hurt and pain, she is reluctant to engage in an emotional commitment, but feels that if someone wants her in a physical way, it validates her worthiness as a person.

Putting her plan in motion, Mary meets “John”, a married man in a similar situation. She and John share an immediate connection and a physical relationship quickly ensues, which does indeed make Mary feel wanted and worthwhile. As with any new relationship, there is excitement, mystery, a desire to discover, share experiences and ideas and beliefs with each other. Slowly the relationship moves from purely physical into the emotional realm with John treating her with the respect and attention she wishes she could get from her husband.

 

Mary is now being fulfilled physically and emotionally in her relationship with John. As time goes on, John, who is a very outgoing and social person, introduces Mary into his circle of friends. This in turn gives Mary the confidence to begin building a social network of her own. Mary is very much enjoying her new lifestyle and pursues friendships outside of her relationships with both John and her husband. Unintentionally, one of these outside relationships with “Bill” turns into a physical relationship possibly due in part, to the fact that Bill, not being married, is immediately available and has ready access to a location conducive to a physical relationship. While Mary’s relationship with Bill is not as fulfilling emotionally as her relationship with John, her need for physical intimacy is able to be met on a more regular basis.

 

Mary now finds herself in the position of being married and fulfilling her emotional and sexual needs with two different people outside of that marriage. Now that the physical demands are being met by Bill, and considering the need to address resulting feelings within herself about being involved with three men, Mary seeks to deepen the emotional relationship with John. Mary reasons that without the physical aspects of the relationship with John, and the resulting psychological issues (feelings of guilt about cheating, jealousy, bruised emotions, ego etc…) she will be able to be more open to John about her feelings in general and specifically about her relationship with Bill. To achieve this she attempts to remove the physical aspect of her relationship with John by asking him to pull back the relationship to “just friends” – exclusively emotional…

 

 

John’s Story:

John has been married for 18 years, happily for most of that time. John has always been a very social person and thrives on interaction with others. After the birth of his children, John’s wife removed herself from his social life to focus on the children, putting them ahead of John’s social needs. After some time trying to accommodate both of their needs, John moved forward with his social life without her. Consequently he has a large social network and regularly spends time outside of the home with friends.

 

Although he is popular with his friends, he misses the exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship he used to enjoy with his wife when they did thing socialy. In order to achieve that missing connection as well as to validate his sense of self worth, John pursues relationships with women outside of his marriage. For John, the feeling of acceptance, knowing that he can have a physical relationship with a woman, is more satisfying than carrying the relationship to its full conclusion. Not following through also helps John deal with the guilt he’s felt in the past the few times when he has followed through. These actions have created a situation in which John shares semi intimate relationships with a number of women friends. Although he has these relationships, it seems that John is always looking for a connection that transcends the physical – maybe it’s part of the chase: trying to get what he can’t have.

 

In his search, John meets Mary. From the first meeting he feels a connection, a sense of comfort, acceptance and openness that he hasn’t felt in a long time with another woman. It's not long before Mary expresses her desire for a physical relationship. John has been in this position so many times before that he fears losing the original basis of thier relationship if it turns physical. Because of this he doesn't accept Mary's offer.

 

After a few weeks of the relationship becoming more and more comfortable, John agrees to pursue the physical aspect. The initial physical contact is akward due to John's feelings of guilt, but with continued contact and acceptance on Mary's end, John eventually feels secure enough to fulfill the relationship. Now John finds himself in the position of having very a fulfilling physical and emotional relationship with a person outside of his marriage. This relationship is meeting his needs in every way. He has found the emotional connection he was looking for and with someone he feels comfortable enough to be physical with without the overwhelming sense of guilt.

 

In spite of this, John continues to put himself in situations that encourage other women to pursue him physically. Even though John does not follow through on these opportunities, the situation causes him great conflict as he does not want to harm the relationship with Mary. Feeling guilty, conflicted, and searching for a way to stop himself he tells Mary about these situations, seeking her help in dealing with them. While she would really prefer not to know about them, Mary accepts these indiscretions, until she's heard one too many.

 

The next day she attempts to remove the physical aspect of her relationship with John by asking him to pull back the relationship to “just friends” – exclusively emotional…

 

HOUSTON - I THINK WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

[Geishawhelk]

Both Mary and John should cease seeing each other completely until the lying cheating players that they are, can actually bring themselves to be a bit more honest with their spouses and end their relationships in order to liberate everyone from these self-imposed feelings of guilt.

Furthermore, it would also give their spouses an opportunity to start their lives again with people who would love them, be respectful, committed and honest.

 

Bill is just in it for a good screw, so he's happy.

 

But Mary and John should be ashamed of themselves.

Screwing around is one thing. Understandable even.

But lying, deceit, and disrespect is inexcusable, and they should remedy this aspect of their behaviour before even thinking of calling Houston about their personal issues.

 

What a pair.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It is more simple than it seems. Bill is into her and has likely given her the impression that he wants her, and only her. He does not share himself with any other women. John, on the other hand has a wife and encourages OOW to pursue him. John has many lines out. Bill only has one: Mary. Mary likes being the only fish on a man's line. Being the woman she is though, she needs to have several lines of her own in the water, so she holds on to her husband and her newly platonic married lover as backup plans in case things don't work out with Bill.

 

You left out Mary's husband's story and John's wife's story. I'd love to see what they have to say.

[doomed]

Mary's Story:

Out of desperation, and with her husband’s tacit approval, Mary seeks a relationship outside of her marriage to fulfill this need.

 

I'm not sure that Mary had her H's tacit approval on this. How on Earth did she get it ?

 

LOL. The houston thing puts me in mind of a count down. "If you don't take me and ravish me in the next 30 seconds then I'm going outside the marriage. 30, 29, 28, ... lift off, we have lift off".

 

If I talked to Mary's H and asked him: You approve of your wife's extramarital affairs ? Would he answer that he tacitly or even passively approved ?

 

I sympathize with Mary, I really do. I understand the unmet needs thing completely. I've been there myself and know dozens of other couples in the same situation. I think Mary might feel better about herself as a person if she owned this one 100% and did the right things, in the right order.

 

doomed