Smiling on the outside, but hurting on the inside.. *sigh*

[smile_through_tears]

What gives? I sure hope everyone is coping and handling their break-up better than me...I wouldnt wish this on anyone...(unless i REALLYYY hate that person lol just kidding)... I have talked to my friends somewhat about my probelm--I'm an open person and not exactly shy at saying how I feel...which Im getting sick of talking about it..I have asked for advice--gotten it--followed it...I'm working on improving myself and whatnot...have met new people..Im a BUSY girl..I have school, I work and I go out whenever I get a chance..I realize life is not a garden filled with flowers..I handle bills & school work without complaining, no matter how hard it gets and although my life is not perfect I can say that I'm content with what I'm doing for me.

 

 

But believe me when I say I cant stop thinking about my ex no matter what I'm doing. Even if I dont necessarily "think" or "analyze" anything...I long for him and I try to fight it by "changing the way i think" or doing something else but at the end of the day,I feel like I'm fighting something stronger than me..Fighting myself and battling with these emotions...I keep telling myself that SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE i cant keep going like this...I have to be strong and not weak because that makes you vulnerable. I have so much to say to my ex...things I want him to HEAR...Things I want to apologize for, things he needs to apologize for (and not through facebook)..things left unsaid and unheard..but i dont say them cause regardless they would fall on deaf ears...

 

 

See, the thing with me is that it takes ALOT for me to open my heart to someone...I need to feel like the other person is UNDERSTANDING me and having respect for how Im feeling...but with him all I would get is a cold & heartless response..or maybe pity..and Im not going to put myself through that...Maybe I would get a different response, who knows? but im not willing to test that...I know that everyone here has their different stories, so for me to come and say that mine is a more complex story would be wrong..but it was very complicated. Meaning it had that cute love/fairytale/soap opera attached with problems/guilt/pain and confusion...sometimes I wonder if his feelings were even sincere..because it seems rediculos for someone to change like that...

 

 

My friends say that at least he doesnt know how much he hurt me...but im not sure thats even a good thing...i did that in order to maintain my dignity (and plan on keep doing so) but at the end of the day who cares what the world thinks? or how i appear like "yeah it hurt me but it wasnt that bad"...when inside im hurting ALOT...and i cant just get over it...i dont know why...i know the last time he contacted me was his last attempt..i know him way too well...he wouldnt dare to contact me again..but those were weak attempts in my eyes....and for some reason I just cannot get myself to open my heart to him because he would just crush it once more..yet going on like this isnt working either...Maybe Im too emotional or I love like an idiot not realizing that you cant put your whole heart in someone else's hands..but he was my first love, and I was his first everything...How was I to know that he would change 360 degrees? Although he has kept in touch,I feel so invisible in his life. I know he's not wondering about how Im feeling or what Im doing..I think he has moved on, I have no idea who he's with or if he's single because I went strict NC...I honestly feel so pathetic because Im still in love with him...and well he's not...I'm almost mad at myself and wishing I wasnt so damn stupid!!

[smile_through_tears]

MY SONG!

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfFpNzKmTI0

[monkeymaid]

you should be proud of yourself. you are able to feel all of those things, realize where they are from, and still function! you said it takes so much for you to open your heart, but imagine all of the good times. would you have rather never experienced them? not to say they should make you think of him, but now you know that those feelings exist, and if you let yourself, you will feel them again! you were scared to let yourself open up, but you did, and it hurts to be toyed with, or to feel unappreciated, but now you know a little bit more of who you want to let yourself be vulnerable around. part of this is you not feeling like you are going to find someone who invoked those feelings in you, but i promise you, when you can feel that way again about yourself, guys will line up to show you that they feel the same feelings of love and appreciation about you, and you will look back at this like it was no biggie. ...close your eyes and imagine youself in the future BY YOURSELF and happy, and then imagine why you are feeling that way. ...its called forward thinking abd will do wonders for your mind set now. just imagine how happy you WILL be in the future and youll start to feel better almost immediately. keep your head up cuz nobody else is gonna hold it up for you.