burningashes Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Hey, everyone. It's been going awesome so far with my boyfriend. However, I've been getting the itch to talk to my boyfriend about what would happen if I ever got pregnant, because I think we should discuss this. Now, I DO NOT want kids right now, because I'm in school and have obligations that I need to care of, and having a baby is the last thing I want, really. I'm really religious about my birth control and will do everything I can possible to avoid getting pregnant. He knows this (he even joked that it was too early to have kids) but I haven't brought up the following topic... It CAN happen, and I want to be realistic. I can see myself dating my boyfriend for the long term, so I was wondering how to bring this up with him, to see what he'd do if this situation arose. I'm not trying to start a debate about abortion or anything here- I'm not against abortion and again, I will do everything I can to prevent putting myself in that situation. Would this be too soon to bring up? I'm curious to know his stance in this sort of situaton, whether he'd be against abortion and whatnot. Am I nuts for wanting to know so I'm more "prepared" if it happened? I'd like to think I'm just being as realistic as I can be :/ Any insight would be really appreciated, and if you could share your experience about this sort of thing, that would be great too!
ruggy Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Tell him to have is tubes tied. Then it will NOT happen. When you want to have kids and if he meets your standards, he can have his tubes untied. You can do the same now a days. Really though, you may scare him a way if the talk becomes too intense.
Touche Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 It's called a vasectomy. Men don't get their "tubes tied." And I don't recommend that at all. The success rate for vasectomies that are reversed is really low. It shouldn't be used as temporary birth control. As to the question of it being too soon to bring it up.. If you're having sex with him then it's NOT too soon to talk about it. Just ask him how he feels about it. If you feel uncomfortable about bringing it up then maybe you started having sex too soon.
Author burningashes Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 Har, har, very funny. I was trying to be serious here. The birth control methods aren't what I want to discuss. I don't see how it can scare him away since I've already told him I don't WANT kids and will do everything I can to avoid that situation. I want to get into a discussion with him if that situation does happen though, and find out what he thinks. I think I would feel better about it knowing where he stands...?
Trialbyfire Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 If you're not anti-abortion, there's always the morning after pill, so I'm not certain why you're so concerned. Why not just outright ask him if he's pro-life or pro-choice?
Author burningashes Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 Thank you, Touche. I'm not uncomfortable bringing this up at all. I'm just not sure how to get this chat started without coming across like I've got ulterior motives or something. Do I go, "Hey, what would you do if I got pregnant by mistake?" Geez, I wish this kind of thing wasn't so hard!
Touche Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Thank you, Touche. I'm not uncomfortable bringing this up at all. I'm just not sure how to get this chat started without coming across like I've got ulterior motives or something. Do I go, "Hey, what would you do if I got pregnant by mistake?" Geez, I wish this kind of thing wasn't so hard! You're welcome. Yes, I agree with TBF. Why not just start out by asking him his views on abortion. But really what's the big deal about just asking him how he'd feel if you DID become pregnant by mistake? It's a fair question. I mean any time you're having sex there's that risk. And all I was saying is that if you're comfortable enough to have sex, you should feel comfortable enough to talk about pretty much anything, including the "consequences" of having sex. Anyway, you already know that he's not ready for kids since he told you. You're not ready either. So it seems clear what would happen if you did become pregnant. I'd just make sure that you do what you can so that you don't become pregnant now.
Trialbyfire Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 burningashes, are you looking more for assurances of his long-term goals with you, rather than the issue of an unwanted pregnancy?
Ronni_W Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 I think I would feel better about it knowing where he stands...? I agree with TBF...a general discussion about whether or not he is pro-choice ought to give you the information you're seeking. Don't know if you're into 'Law of Attraction'-type stuff but, if so, would suggest to perhaps not keep "pregnancy" thoughts in your mind too often or too long. Since "pregnancy-free" sounds more like you what you really, really want to 'attract' . In any event, regardless of where either of you stand right now, what you (and/or he) would do in theory versus what will get done in reality of an unplanned pregnancy are often two very different things. TBF - Congrats! *Gorgeous* ring!! Wishing you both long, healthy and happy!!!
Trialbyfire Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Thanks Ronnie. We're both pro-choice but if an accident were to happen, wouldn't abort, since we both want children in the future.
Author burningashes Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 If you're not anti-abortion, there's always the morning after pill, so I'm not certain why you're so concerned. Why not just outright ask him if he's pro-life or pro-choice? I'm pretty sure by the time I find out I'm pregnant, it would be much too late for the morning after pill. Thanks for the advice everyone, I think I'll just ask him about what his views are on abortion etc. When we talked about it in general, he didn't mention when he wanted kids. He's made mentions about having kids, like, "If my kid did that, I would ground him for a month," so I know he's open to having kids, just not when. Anyway, not the issue here. I guess I wanted to bring it up so that I'd know his views, and be better prepared to handle him if it did happen. burningashes, are you looking more for assurances of his long-term goals with you, rather than the issue of an unwanted pregnancy? That hadn't entered my mind when I posted this. I'm pretty secure with how things are progressing with him, so, I don't know, do you think this is my subconscious at work? Don't know if you're into 'Law of Attraction'-type stuff but, if so, would suggest to perhaps not keep "pregnancy" thoughts in your mind too often or too long. Since "pregnancy-free" sounds more like you what you really, really want to 'attract' . In any event, regardless of where either of you stand right now, what you (and/or he) would do in theory versus what will get done in reality of an unplanned pregnancy are often two very different things. Definitely, once I deal with this, I'll get rid of the pregnancy thoughts . You're right though, it's different when it actually happens, but still, I would think things would go smoother if we had discussed this beforehand as opposed to have this issue catch us completely by surprise. Sort of like how you'd bring up expectations for the relationship that you need to discuss with your SO to communciate your needs/wants or whatever so that you guys are on the same page.
Isolde Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 If he's having sex with you, you should be able to bring up the topic. It shouldn't scare him away because you are being careful to AVOID something that would be an issue for BOTH of you.
Lucky_One Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Why don't you tell him that you are really paranoid about pregnancy because you are not ready for a pregnancy, and that you want him to use condoms (which I actually would have hoped you were doing anyway, but it appears that you are the only one using a birth control method here) as a back-up to the BC that you are already using. An easy entrance into a ticklish subject.
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 For opening it up for discussion, how about keeping it light? Point out the obvious, "You know, having sex usually makes BABIES and birth control is generally 99% effective when used religiously like I do it. Meaning that every year, 1 out of every 100 women taking BCPs CAN get pregnant. Now I know that you and I both are NOT ready for that. But in the incredibly rare, off-chance that it COULD happen - how do you think we should handle it?" I don't see how that could be taken as ulterior motives. If he knows you well enough (you didn't say how long you've been dating), then he should know that you DO take your BCPs religiously. And if he's mature enough (neither did you say how old both of you are), then he should be able to talk about this subject like grown-ups without getting antsy. My BF and I talked about this kind of stuff BEFORE we had sex...I'm confused why other people don't do this.
Ronni_W Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 burningashes, are you looking more for assurances of his long-term goals with you, rather than the issue of an unwanted pregnancy? That hadn't entered my mind when I posted this. ...do you think this is my subconscious at work? Short answer: Yes . Longer answer: Your (inner) response to the question seems to suggest that, yes, something that may just have been subconscious for you could just have broken through into your conscious. Of course, you're the only one who can tell for sure, though. , it's different when it actually happens, but still, I would think things would go smoother if we had discussed this beforehandNo, not really. I tested positive AFTER a tubal ligation. Believe me, it didn't go any "smoother". Turned out ectopic, no problems at all. BUT. For that week or so that we didn't know wtf was going on...NOT smoother, not by a long shot! (But I did learn that there IS such a thing as "a little bit pregnant" .)
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