DayDreamer75 Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 I've been reading a lot of breakup posts and there's just one thing that I don't get. I understand that one goes no contact to recover his or her sanity. I understand that you were hurt and so on and so on. But what I don't understand why after we break up we start treating our exes as if they were our enemies. What happened to unconditional love? What happened to forgiving? I don't think that all the people who break up do this for the same reason such as going to the pubs or finding someone new and etc. I think sometimes people just have bad moments in their lives and they simply need to be alone to figure out. Also, have you thought about what you really did to make this relationship work? I no longer think that relationships are only about feelings and love, the relationships are about giving a lot and loving even when the other fails. So, why so much hate? Personally, every time I broke my relationships, after a period of "hurt", we made the relationships work into friendship. These people were too important for me to give them up completely in my life. But this does not mean I was happy with them and I should have sacrificed myself. Or sometimes, you need some time alone to figure out what you want and whether what you have with the other person is good enough to forget about the bad. The same applies to when I have been dumped. Sometimes I got dumped because I did not love enough or did not make them happy. But whatever they did I wished them all the best in their lives and continued caring for them. Just in a different way. I don't think love is about possession as it comes out so often. I think it's about giving no matter what.
GoneButNotForgotten Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 You have to remember. The sampling on this site is not indicative of anything really. Most people posting on their breakups are still struggling with it. Once they don't feel bad anymore they get back into the game and don't come around as much. I don't hate my ex. I don't wish the best for her, and I don't wish the worst. More than anything I just don't care. I tend not to retain friendships with exes though. It can cause all sorts of issues. In most cases it is easier to remember the fond times we had together but move on in my life like they don't exist. I can see where the anger and hate can come in to play though. My ex basically gave up. She wanted to find something easier and fresher. We went 3 1/2 years in a kind of LDR. (about 3 hour drive that I made every other weekend or so) All the years of effort and I got dropped so that she could basically be the slutty college party girl. Which wasn't the girl I first started dating so meh, lost cause to fight for it. But I was hurt and definately angry with her for wasting so much of my time, effort, and even money while she apparently knew I wasn't what she wanted. In most cases it just isn't worth the effort to be friends with your ex. There are plenty of other people in the world that you can have as friends that don't have the extra eggshells to watch out for.
a_f_w Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 ^ Good post, especially the bit in the first paragraph - that's definately valid. OP - remember it all surely depends on how the breakup happened and if that revealed something about the partner's character that perhaps you hadn't really experienced before (or that you had, but had managed to ignore). That is one of the reasons I have no intention of being "friends" with my ex. If there was cheating, or maybe even some kind of physical or emotional abuse or another serious betrayal of trust, it can be very hard to come around to seeing that person as a "friend" at all. Especially if they do not regret it at all, and make no apology for their actions. It's about avoiding interaction with people who's characters appear unpleasant to you. Sure, if I just became a "friend" with my ex, the traits I dislike about her wouldn't be relevant, because they are only concerns in a "relationship" setting. But then, I wouldn't want to be "friends" with her anyway, since we have really nothing in common at that level and it would be everso dull. That leads me onto another reason - having time to step back from a relationship, or being forced back from it, can change how you see everything about your ex and not just things that were actively relevant around the breakup. I, for example, have determined that she and I were everso poorly matched in just about every way. We were each other's first bf/gf and so I guess we didn't know any better. When I was with her I never really considered it and was happy to just float along in normality. I dread to think how long I would have happily let it go on if she had not done what she did. Another reason is that it would, I expect, strain her new relationship. If I was her new man I wouldn't really want an ex from a very recent LTR still hanging around being her "friend". I have NO bad feelings towards him at all - he had no idea how it all happened at the end and as far as I know he still doesn't - and I don't want to bother him. It is for this reason that I have also had to employ NC with my ex's family, who still try to speak to me. I have lovely memories of our time together - most of it, at least - but now it's over and my rose-tinted spectacles lie smashed and broken on the floor, and I am very happy to be out of it all and where I am today. In addition to simply not having any reason to want to be friends with her, I fear that attempting to be so (for example if she wanted to) would be harmful to me. I have felt great for weeks and weeks, now, but I can't predict what might become of my emotions if I were to interact with her again. As such, it is completely out of the question. Time will tell if I change my thinking as the months pass.
blondesmiler Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 So much hate, well it certainly depends on what and how it all went wrong. But love and hate are so closely related, so once someone has taken their love away it is easy to feel hate toward them as in the feelings world the two are so similar. I think hate for alot is a survival technique, in built in alot of us, to put a barrier between us and them, us and the hurt we are feeling when dumped. I can say I don't feel hate toward my ex anymore, however neither do I want to be friends with him how he did indeed treat me toward the end is not the qualities I would expect my friends to act and be. But also personally I feel once something is done and over, then it is final. Thats just me, but everyone is different. I happen to be a feelings person so when someone hurts someones feelings its means alot, so much.
carhill Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 IMO, the word to describe the emotion is hurt not hate Hate is one possible resultant behavior. Personally, the only way I could be friends with an ex was if we were merely incompatible for intimate everyday contact, but were otherwise compatible, and the process of breaking up did not imbue me with a loss of respect for her. Otherwise, big friend sea, lots of fish for friends. Life is short
EasyHeart Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 I agree that the primary emotion on this site is hurt, not hate. I don't hate my recent ex, but she hurt me very badly. Relationships end for all sorts of reasons. Some are 'external': your careers take you different places, you're at different places in your life, etc. and some are just incompatibility: you realize that you don't want the same things from life, or you realize you can't communicate with each other. Those sorts of relationships end amiably and it's certainly possible to stay friends if you choose to. I think the hurt comes in when one person feels betrayed or disappointed by the other. It could be a direct betrayal, like lying or cheating. Or it could be more indirect, like your partner saying they want a relationship/to settle down, but then one day announce that they aren't. I think the most painful endings are the ones where one person feels there is 'unfinished business' in the relationship -- that there was nothing fundamentally wrong, but the other person is just giving up. In the case of my latest relationship (which only ended a couple weeks ago, so I'm still really raw), my ex and I had a fight over something that was simply a misunderstand, but she refused to discuss it at all. Then, when we started talking again and she suggested we have dinner together, but two days later met a guy in a bar and told me to back of because she was in a 'new relationship'. In retrospect, I'm realizing that my ex was simply too immature to have an adult relationship, and so it could never have worked out between us. But it's very hard to accept, because she had me believing that she was ready to be a grown up. So maybe the pain comes from realizing that you wasted a lot of time being in love with an illusion.
Island Girl Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 From a dumpers perspective I can say that when the end was near with obvious problems, my exes clung to me. Then when the hammer fell they kept sticking around and calling which only pulled at my guilty feelings because I was the source of their misery. There wasn't a thing I could do about being attracted to them again or being with them again. But they wouldn't let it go. So I had to get more and more evil to get them OUT of my life. So in the end some of them hated me I'm sure. And I am sickened by the mere mention of some of their names. Still others even now come out of the woodwork every once in a while. And I and am as nice as I can possibly be while I listen to them tell me how they are still "in love" and always think of me, etc. and I swallow the feelings of pity telling them I am happily married and NO I don't think of them. EVER. I am left wondering why people just keep hanging on even decades later?!!
SYL Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 I think it all depends on the stage of grief after a break-up. If an individual does not arrive to indifference, then they have not yet let go to truly move on. Hate due to hurt is part of the grief process -- it's the stage that we acknowledge to ourselves that we were mistreated, that it wasn't all good. This part of the process is actually about love, love and respect for OURSELVES. For our well-being, it forces us to reflect on the entire relationship for what it truly was so that we can make peace with ourselves, recognize that we did not receive what we needed in the relationship, and move forward knowing that it didn't work out because of ALL the factors involved. Once that is achieved, we settle into indifference, keeping in our memories the good and the bad without them having an immediate affect on us.
msjules Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 After five months of not seeing my ex and after he showed up unexpectedly on my doorstep last Monday night, we had dinner last night and talked civilly for a few hours. As it turns out, he was hurting over things I said to him that I had no idea he was hurting about and I had no intent to hurt him over. Same with him. Both of us were pointing fingers at the other, making accusations about inflicting deliberate wounds when nothing was further from the truth. I have been seething with anger for weeks now, but that was my way of separating emotionally from him. I am going to disappoint a lot of people in my life. I think we are going to get back together eventually. It is going to take time because I don't trust him not to run away again someday when times get tough. He swears he has learned his lesson but I don't think so. All I know is that I still love him as much as I did the day he walked away five months ago and I can't say no to him when he says he wants another chance. I never dreamed I would be here typing these words but I am. Hate and love are very close cousins. I was just saying I hated him not two weeks ago and nothing was further from the truth. I am so messed up right now.
SYL Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 After five months of not seeing my ex and after he showed up unexpectedly on my doorstep last Monday night, we had dinner last night and talked civilly for a few hours. As it turns out, he was hurting over things I said to him that I had no idea he was hurting about and I had no intent to hurt him over. Same with him. Both of us were pointing fingers at the other, making accusations about inflicting deliberate wounds when nothing was further from the truth. I have been seething with anger for weeks now, but that was my way of separating emotionally from him. As in my post above yours, your feelings of hate that you had posted over your ex just weeks ago after months of your break-up, indicate that you have not let go. Seems that he hasn't either... Perhaps things will go better for the two of you as you have learned from your mistakes and were able to communicate them over dinner. I can only hope that if you were to resume your relationship, you would take better care to communicate with each other. Either way, good luck!
EmperorR Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 If you have been cheated on after 3 years, dumped left for someone else, then had your name dragged through the mud and lies told about you wouldn't you hate?
SYL Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 If you have been cheated on after 3 years, dumped left for someone else, then had your name dragged through the mud and lies told about you wouldn't you hate? After a while, no. You realize that you love yourself enough to know that it was not the way you wanted to be treated. It is good riddance that s/he has moved on to ruin somebody else's life while yours is restored with the perspective that the relationship did not give you what you deserved, needed, and wanted as a whole. There is always a silver lining. Remember the good times and know that you once loved that person -- that warrants a special place in your memory bank. If you still hate that person, then you have not yet let go. For closure, indifference is the goal.
EasyHeart Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 If you have been cheated on after 3 years, dumped left for someone else, then had your name dragged through the mud and lies told about you wouldn't you hate? I'm not as noble as SYL. I'd hate a person who did something like this to me. Jes sayin'.
SYL Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 I'm not as noble as SYL. I'd hate a person who did something like this to me. Feeling all negative AND positive emotions is healthy. I am going through some negative ones right now myself but I know what the goal is for closure -- indifference. This process is necessary for yourself.
UCLAMike Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 In a breakup, our exs ARE OUR ENEMIES, at least for the time being, because that is the source of our hurt and betrayal. Do Israelies view Palestinians as enemies? YES. Does this mean Palestinians are evil? No. Does this mean Israelies are evil? No. There is a place and time for everything.
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 It all comes down to how they treat you. I don't usually think it's hatred - hatred is an overwhelmingly powerful word. Would you murder your ex? If yes, then THAT is hatred. I don't think people experience hate; they experience extreme dislike and disgust. If a partner beats you, cheats on you, emotional abuses you, treats you like ****, then naturally you will feel these kinds of feelings. Rarely if things end well do you dislike the person.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 I could never see myself being friends with an ex. Especially if she just tried to dump me for someone she perceived was better. I'm looking at it like what the hell do I get out of it? When are my needs being forfilled? Trust I was in that situation for a long time till I broke free of it, it made me a better man that knows what he wants and will not tolerate a female's consolation prize speech and let's be friends BS!!!!
Ingenue Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I have to agree that much of the feelings post-break up are tainted by the actual break up method. In my situation, I had been dating a guy for 5 years. He broke up with me by email and was dating a new woman within a week of dumping me. Whether there was physical cheating or not, I won't ever know, but considering that he had known the woman was available, he was most likely laying the groundwork for a future relationship (ie cheating in an emotional sense). During the initial stages of the break up, I never hated him. I was feeling such a devastating loss, that I was more upset than filled with hatred. Eight months after the fact, I still don't feel hate. In fact, I've told him I've forgiven him. But the truth of the matter is that how I feel for him now is in no way comparable to the respect I once had for him. That would take a lifetime to repair and rebuild. Even if I was able to do so, at the back of my head would be the nagging thought of how demoralizing I felt after he hurt me and threw me away. If you are going to hate your ex, at least try to use the hatred in a positive way and direct that hatred towards rebuilding your self-esteem and sense of self. If it helps you to move on with your life because you hate your ex, so be it. Just remember to not let it consume you and to eventually move on.
IcemanJB Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 As others have said, a lot has to do with how the relationship ended. I don't hate my ex at all. I'm not even mad at her or disgusted with her. It's taken time for me to believe what she said through all her tears; she really does have some things/issues to figure out (won't go into detail out of respect to her). Over 4 months afterwards and she still isn't seeing anyone, so I'm very glad she's doing what she needs to do for herself. Don't get me wrong, I think she's a little on the immature side, but I'm kind of glad she spared me of her trying to work through her issues; it's not up to me to figure those out for her, and I said that. Because of that she's stated to my sister that the breakup was mutual; IMO she broke up with me. Doesn't really matter though. Now if she had cheated on me or something, I would have had a much easier time getting over it, and would have been extremely disgusted with her. Probably not hate, but just a general dislike.
Ricky01 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 From a dumpers perspective I can say that when the end was near with obvious problems, my exes clung to me. Then when the hammer fell they kept sticking around and calling which only pulled at my guilty feelings because I was the source of their misery. There wasn't a thing I could do about being attracted to them again or being with them again. But they wouldn't let it go. So I had to get more and more evil to get them OUT of my life. So in the end some of them hated me I'm sure. And I am sickened by the mere mention of some of their names. Still others even now come out of the woodwork every once in a while. And I and am as nice as I can possibly be while I listen to them tell me how they are still "in love" and always think of me, etc. and I swallow the feelings of pity telling them I am happily married and NO I don't think of them. EVER. I am left wondering why people just keep hanging on even decades later?!! In this case the truth just hurts. I don't hate my ex. I spend most my time trying to not think of her. I have been that disgusting clingy guy in the face of the break up. Being that I will never agree with the cold turn around of what this particular quote says, the truth is there from this writer's point of view. Why can they just turn away so easily??? They just can.
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