suemaya786 Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 This is a reminder of my story from back in June 2008 - I have been married for 19 years. 7 months ago I found out my H had been having an affair for the last 2 years. I was gutted, devastated, absolutely shot to pieces. A few weeks after finding out my doctor said I was severly depressed and I have been on anti-depressants since. I just cannot believe he's done this to me, I had no idea, what a fool! I really thought I knew him after all those years. I didn't think he was capable of such deception in fact, I felt I knew him so well that I once said to him (when my 2 brothers had affairs) that if he ever did that to me "I would smell it"! Time is a great healer but I'm far from how I used to be. I didn't know this woman until my H introduced us, she is the wife of an old friend of his. He introduced us on the pretence that he was doing some work for her (he works from home designing web sites for businesses) she came to our home a few times that I was aware of, but thought nothing of it as it was business. I have since learnt that she came at least 2 or 3 times a week when I went to get our 2 young children from school. She would park down the road and wait for me to go and for him to text her the all clear. It would take me an hour to get the kids as they come out at different times, she would of course be gone when we got back. How could he use his kids like that? I will never understand. I never had a clue when we returned, he had just had sex with her, mostly in OUR BED but also in his office (where we all go on the computer) the living room, the bathroom, the hallway, many, many times. In June 2006 we went on holiday to Spain, so did she and her family, same town would you believe! She was due to fly home a week before us, the airline wouldn't let them because her young sone had chicken pox, the rest of her family flew home and she stayed behind with her son. They had nowhere to stay so we took them in for 5 days, in that time they had sex twice, once while I was in the shower! Bas**rd! I know they met at weekends and stayed in hotels, they did it in the car, at her house, he even took her tohis sister's home twice when she was on holiday and he was supposed to be looking after things for her! But the real gut wrencher is in September 2007 I went to Spain without my H, I took out kids and my mother (my father died 3 years ago and she'd not had a holiday for 40 years) my H said he didn't want to go on holiday with his mother-in-law, he would be fine. I was away for 16 days, she stayed in MY HOME while I was away, H says 2 weekends, she says 3. Don't know who's lying. My problem is this, I go over these facts again and again, it's driving me nuts! I just can't get it out of my head. I have gone on and on to find out all these facts because I just had to know. H has stopped all contact, said he loves me more now than he ever has, it was the biggest mistake of his life, he is so very sorry and it will never happen again. We have talked to each other so much, have identified that we took each other for granted, lost respect etc., we are rectifying this. But, how do I get over this, I'm getting desperate, can anyone offer me any advice? How is your H treating you after a similar A? How is he acting 12 - 18 months on? Is he still sorry and trying to make amends, if so how? Will he discuss the A with you calmly and what went wrong in the first place and why he did it? How are you coping, feeling, acting towards your cheating H? I really need some pointers.
Wibble Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Well for what it's worth I spent 3 YEARS trying to get my wife to talk about her affair, and why she thought things had gone so badly wrong between us. In the end I realised that she just couldn't face the reality of what she had done, and consequently was unable to restore the trust that needs to exist between a married couple. Thus a 21 year marriage came to an end. Part of being given the chance to make ammends is the expectation of honesty. If the WS is unable to put the marriage ahead of their own feelings, even at that late stage, then do you really want to spend the rest of your life with them?
Spark1111 Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 It is 1.5 years later and I still deal with many emotions: anger, pain, humiliation at all who knew or suspected (except me!). He seems truly remorseful, is kind and considerate, makes me a priority in his life, etc. We go to both IC and MC weekly. It is helping. He is HOWEVER, reluctant to discuss in detail his motivations regarding the affair, and that hurts. I am still waiting for him to summon up the courage. The few conversations we have had, he starts to cry. I will ask you this: With all the emotional triggers that occur during recovery, how do you live in your house???? Ever think of burning it to the ground??? Or at least, moving????
allcriedout2 Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 I made the biggest mistake of all, letting him back in without a real demonstation of remorse and change - and my thanks? I think he's at it again. It's a gut instinct but I'm looking for proof. If it's true I will finally walk away. Sadly because of my suspicions the marriage probably doesn't stand a chance.
Wibble Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I made the biggest mistake of all, letting him back in without a real demonstation of remorse and change - and my thanks? I think he's at it again. It's a gut instinct but I'm looking for proof. If it's true I will finally walk away. Sadly because of my suspicions the marriage probably doesn't stand a chance. In a nutshell, allcriedout, you have summarised why TOTAL honesty is so vital in a post-affair recovery. If the BS even gets a WHIFF of deception or dishonesty their insecurities and paranoia come flooding back, and I do mean FLOODING. The feelings of betrayal and hurt may recede with time, but they can be recalled in an instant, and are as powerful as on day 1. I found this out last December, when I discovered my wife had been e-mailing a man in Paris, and had been out to see him. At the same time she was saying to me that she wanted to give our marriage "one last try". The kick in the guts was as powerful as ever, but thankfully only lasted a few hours. The only lasting effect was my satisfaction that leaving her was the right thing to do!
Author suemaya786 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Thanks for your responses, it's reassuring to know that all the emotions I am experiencing and feeling are reasonably normal (whatever that is!). Me and my H have talked and talked about our feelings and the A, more since D day (15 months ago) than we have in probably talked about anytthing the last 10 years. At first he lied, which I think is usual, he said to spare my feelings! I bet! I bombarded him with that many questions, he said I made his head spin. Eventually the whole truth came out, I finally got through to him that yes, the truth hurts but once I have dealt with it in my own mind I can put it away, to some extent but if I feel I'm being lied to I never back down. He is kind, thoughtful, helpful says he loves me now more that he ever has. I know I will never trust him like before, which was blindly and I take some comfort from knowing it will NEVER happen to me again because I just wont let it. Surely, it makes you capable of spotting the signs a mile off? He is well aware that there are no second chances here. Spark you are so right about my house of horrors, some one called it, I am moving in about 3 weeks time and I just can't wait! If I were you I would force your H to talk about it, if you are anything like me you NEED IT, I would not have got this far if he hadn't, don't you think he owes you that at least? I could'nt bear the thought of him and his slut having secrets and knowing stuff I didn't. They should be an open book but be warned, in the case of an A the truth is much worse than your imagination.
Recommended Posts